DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?

"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS."

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'Virus detected'! :lol:

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too
eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

THE SINGING FROG

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

VENTRILOQUISM: Ventriloquism is an act of stagecraft in which a person (a ventriloquist) manipulates his or her voice so that it appears that the voice is coming from elsewhere. (ginagamit sa puppet show) ang galing ng daga! haha..:lol: :rofl: :lmao:

FAMILY VIBRATOR

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied,
"I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!" :lol:

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles!!! :lmao:

THE BOX TO JAIL

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." :rofl:

ang saya :happy: :rofl:

MASARAP NA PULUTAN

Isang araw, may isang lasenggero na nagyaya sa
kanyang kumpare na makipaginuman sa isang handaan..

Lasinggero: Pare sama ka sa akin sa handaan,
may inuman..

Kumpare: Sige lang pare...

Lasinggero: Tara na pare, masarap ang pulutan don..

Kumpare: Sige lang pare..

Lasinggero: Bahala ka pare, sige pare bahala ka..

Pagkalipas ng ilang oras, bumalik ang lasinggero
sa bahay ni kumpare at nagumpisang magyabang..

Lasinggero: Sabi sayo pare ang sarap ng alak at
pulutan doon sa handaan..

Pare: Ows talaga?

Lasinggero: Oo pare, may afritada, sisig, bopis,
kalderetang kambing at marami pa..

Pare: Sarap talaga no?

Lasinggero: Oo ah.. (biglang natahimik)...
Saglit lang pare.. Susuka na ako...

Maya maya pa ay sumuka na ang lasinggero..
Nagkalat ang sinuka nyang PANSIT sa daan...

Pare: Akala ko ba masarap ang pulutan?
Bakit pansit ang sinuka mo?

Lasinggero: Bakit ko naman isusuka ang masarap
na pulutan!

MGA SHORT NA JOKE

BF: baby may date tayo ngayon. magbihis ka na at pag bumusina ako lumabas ka na..ok?
GF: ok baby. ano ba dala mo, kotse?
BF: hindi.
GF: motor?
BF: hindi.
GF: van?
BF: lalong hindi.
GF: e ano?
BF: busina! :rofl:

EMPLEYADO: boss, namatay pala ung manager natin.pwede po ba ako ung pumalit sa pwesto nya?
BOSS: pde nman..ewan ko lang kung papayag yung funeraria! :lol:

Bata: nay, ako lang po nakasagot sa tanong ng teacher namin kanina!
Nanay: wow, ang galing naman ng anak ko! ano ba ang tanong?
Bata: sinong walang assignment! :rofl:

Kulas: Miss, pabili nga ng siopao, 'yung pang babae.
Miss: Pang babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo, 'yung may papel na sapin. parang napkin.
Miss: Ahh, ganoon po ba? Lalaki po ang tinda ko.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Miss: Oho, may itlog sa loob! :lmao:

Lumindol ng malakas noon. Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sigaw ng isang lalaki: "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa rin lalaki: "Tanga! Akinse pa lang ngayon"! :lol:

sa isang classroom.....
titser: class, ano ang iba't-ibang kulay ng saging?
juan: green, yellow, red and brown mam!
titser: may brown ba na saging???
juan: eh ung sinaing na saging, ano yun FAKE?! :spit:

Isang araw sumakay ng Bus si Lola...
Konduktor: Lola psensiya na po kc puno na! Payag po ba kyo ng Patayo?
Lola: Tinamaan ka ng Li***k! kung inabot mo lang ang kabataan ko, kahit patuwad payag ako! :chair:

Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho! :lol:

Question: bakit ang sign na NO ID, NO ENTRY na malimit natin nakikita sa mga school ay hindi tinatagalog?
Answer: Kasi pag tinagalog yan, WALA ID, WALA PASOK...:hit:

TAGUMPAY SI PASTOR

May isang pastor sa isang malayong barrio at mayroon siyang pinangangasiwaang malaking congregasyon. Subalit ang kanyang mga miyembro ay hindi nagbibigay ng ikapu at kaloob, laging huli dumalo ng service. Laging hinahanapan ng kahinaan yung pastor etc. Isang araw pagkatapos ng service ng Sunday siya ay nagpalamig muna sa plaza. Nagkataon na piyesta sa kanilang lugar. Habang siya ang naglalakad, may nakita siyang mga tao na nagkukumpulan. Naki usyoso siya at nakakita siya ng isang elepante. Narinig niya ang sabi ng emcee "Kung sino ang makapagpaiyak sa elepante mananalo ng P5000." Sinubukan ng mga tao na paiyakin ang elepante pero kahit anung gawin nila hindi talaga nila mapaiyak. At dahil may problema si pastor kung saan siya kukuha ng pambayad ng upa ng bahay, kuryente at tubig naisipan niyang subukan. Kaya ikinuwento ni pastor sa elepante ang lahat ng kapighatian at hirap na kanyang nararanasan habang ikinukwento niya ito sa elepante sa awa sa kanya nito bigla na lang napaiyak ang elepante. Siya ang nanalo ng P5000 na premyo. Tapos muling nagtawag ang emcee, sabi "Kung sino ang makapagpailing sa ulo ng elepante mananalo ulit ng P5000". Sinubukan ulit ng mga tao, ang ginawa ng iba hinawakan sa tenga pero hindi talaga nila mapailing ang ulo ng elepante. Sabi ni pastor subukan ko kaya ulit. Ang sinabi lang niya sa elepante "Gusto mo bang maging pastor?" sabay iling ng ulo ng elepante. :rofl:

SEXY HOUSEWIFE

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't take his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... an unusual request. But first, you have to promise me that you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes..."

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes..."

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?" :lolcard:

THE HOLE

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on.

"Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.

"Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo." The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.

"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!" :lmao:

CODE WORD

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." :lolcard:

CODE WORD

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." :lolcard:

:lmao: :lmao:

:clap: ayus!

hehehe funny,,, thanx

:clap: nice share..:rofl:

:clap:jejeje tnx 4 d share:rofl:

hehehehehhe thanks for sharing nice one bro :rofl::lmao: