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25th Aug 2009, 19:02
old man n d parrot

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black make up around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him. With an attitude, the boy said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I got drunk once and I had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.

25th Aug 2009, 19:03
how to stop church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked

in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home . . .and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

25th Aug 2009, 19:05
This is an old one from several years ago, a list of possible slogans for International Condom Week


25th Aug 2009, 19:08

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act dnd look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer
and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television.

Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to
your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about
such important matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ? A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank
you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

25th Aug 2009, 19:10
signs u are too drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

betty la fea looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

25th Aug 2009, 19:15
something to declare

An elegant young woman on a flight to the UK
> > was seated next to a priest. They chatted
> > for a while then the woman asked the priest:
> >
> > 'Father, may I ask a favour? '
> > ' Of course child what may I do for you? '
> >
> > ' Well, I bought an expensive woman 's electronic
> > hairdryer for my Mother 's birthday which obviously is
> > unopened but as the value exceeds the Customs’
> > limits I 'm afraid they'll confiscate
> > it. Is there any way you could carry it through
> > Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
> > '
> > 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
> > you: I will not lie. '
> >
> > ' With your honest face, Father, no one will question
> > you. '
> > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
> > her.
> > The official asked, ' Father, do you have anything to
> > declare? '
> > ' From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
> > nothing to declare. '
> >
> > The official thought this answer strange, so
> > asked:
> > 'And what do you have to declare from your waist
> > to the floor? '
> >
> > ' I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on
> > a woman, but which is, to date, unused ' replied the
> > priest.
> >
> > Roaring with laughter, the official said,
> > ' Go ahead, Father. Next! '

25th Aug 2009, 19:34

26th Aug 2009, 07:51
something to declare

An elegant young woman on a flight to the UK
> > was seated next to a priest. They chatted
> > for a while then the woman asked the priest:
> >
> > 'Father, may I ask a favour? '
> > ' Of course child what may I do for you? '
> >
> > ' Well, I bought an expensive woman 's electronic
> > hairdryer for my Mother 's birthday which obviously is
> > unopened but as the value exceeds the Customs’
> > limits I 'm afraid they'll confiscate
> > it. Is there any way you could carry it through
> > Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
> > '
> > 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
> > you: I will not lie. '
> >
> > ' With your honest face, Father, no one will question
> > you. '
> > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
> > her.
> > The official asked, ' Father, do you have anything to
> > declare? '
> > ' From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
> > nothing to declare. '
> >
> > The official thought this answer strange, so
> > asked:
> > 'And what do you have to declare from your waist
> > to the floor? '
> >
> > ' I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on
> > a woman, but which is, to date, unused ' replied the
> > priest.
> >
> > Roaring with laughter, the official said,
> > ' Go ahead, Father. Next! '

good one my friend....

keep it up!!!

26th Aug 2009, 09:43
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

26th Aug 2009, 09:44
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

26th Aug 2009, 09:45
In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

26th Aug 2009, 09:47
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

26th Aug 2009, 09:48
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

26th Aug 2009, 09:49
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

26th Aug 2009, 09:50
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are
all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like

26th Aug 2009, 09:52
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

*Hi. Now YOU say something.

*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.

* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Paul and Molly. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Molly likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . really slowly. So leave a message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

26th Aug 2009, 09:53
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

26th Aug 2009, 09:55
So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a d*ck on his face"

26th Aug 2009, 09:56
Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"

"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

26th Aug 2009, 09:58
Sayang. Di ako matyaga magbasa ng english joke

26th Aug 2009, 09:58
10 commandments of being a teenager:

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping (why wait?)

2. Thou shall not do drugs (alochol lasts longer)

3. Thou shall not steal from sari sari store (SM has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism (destructon has a bigger effect)

5. Thou shall not steal from their parents (everyone knows Grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights (start them)

7. Thou shall not skip class (take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not go to strip clubs (Hooters has better food)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex (like Nike says... just do it)

10. Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street (leave them in the middle)

26th Aug 2009, 09:59
you know you live in 2009 when....

1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling

8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your

9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity (hehe)

26th Aug 2009, 10:00

26th Aug 2009, 10:01
10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

26th Aug 2009, 10:04
Girl's Poem:
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon, I can get a massage without a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook, I can pump my own gas, Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass. My beauty is a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles, at any cost. I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost. I never forget an important date. You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late. I don't watch movies with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay to remember the score. I won't lose my hair, don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch. Don't say to your friends, oh yeah I can get her. In your dreams dear, I can do better. Flowers are okay, but jewelery is best. Look at ME, idiot, not at my chest. I don't have a problem expressing my feelings, I know when you are lying, you stare at the ceiling. Don't call me a GIRL, a BABE, or a CHICK. I am a LADY....Don't you get it? You d*ck.

26th Aug 2009, 10:04
man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

26th Aug 2009, 10:05
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

26th Aug 2009, 10:07
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

26th Aug 2009, 10:09
------------ The English Language-----------------
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French
fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
coming or going!!!

26th Aug 2009, 10:10
u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!

sweet :D

26th Aug 2009, 10:11
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she s**ts on you!"

26th Aug 2009, 10:12
Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

26th Aug 2009, 10:13
Ever noticed how all women's problems begin with men?
MENtal illness....MENstrual cramps... MENtal breakdown... MENopause... GUYnecologist !

26th Aug 2009, 10:13
10 Ten Reasons it sucks to be a d*ck

1. You've got a hole in your head.

2. Your master strangles you all the time.

3. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

4. You shrink in cold water.

5. You never get a haircut.

6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

7. Your closest neighbor is an a**hole.

8. Your best friend is a p*ssy.

9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

26th Aug 2009, 10:14
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God
Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a
very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?
YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

26th Aug 2009, 10:18
a fat ugly woman said to a guy, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". guy's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

26th Aug 2009, 10:19
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV

26th Aug 2009, 10:23
my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

26th Aug 2009, 10:24
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
unzipped his fly and said Jill,
do ya wanna?
Jill said yes,
took off her dress and they did the hankeypankey,
but Jill forgot to pop the pill and out popped little Frankie!

26th Aug 2009, 10:26
Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

26th Aug 2009, 10:36
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots...

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

26th Aug 2009, 10:39
1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas ...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ..Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men a re like .. Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like . Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ..Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how ma ny inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .. Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots .. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

26th Aug 2009, 10:41
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

26th Aug 2009, 10:42
30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know
1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reasons we're going out with you.
7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.
9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10. We never shave our legs. So get over it.
11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong.
12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.
13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe
14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet
Boys, NSYNC,98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go
16. Just cause you think you're always right,
doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."
17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for
you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,
cause you might get what you wish for.
20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.
21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyways
23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship.
24. PMS is not an excuse.
25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're
done you should put it up when you're done.
26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was.
That doesn't turn us on.
27. And remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.. and maybe..oh nevermind.
28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be
that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong
29. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.
30. And last but not least: We know you're not
always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

26th Aug 2009, 10:43
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

26th Aug 2009, 10:45
A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You b*****!" And the mom screamed, "You bas***!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Sh**!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "F***!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you b***** and b******, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the sh** off of his face and mom's in the kitchen fu**** the turkey!"

26th Aug 2009, 10:49
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope," they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the F***ing Pope as a driver!!

26th Aug 2009, 10:51
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Pepito, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

26th Aug 2009, 10:54
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught


I look at the stars and I see you,
I look at the moon and I see you,
I look at the trees and I see you,
Please step aside, you are blocking my view.

26th Aug 2009, 10:57

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.

7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

26th Aug 2009, 11:27
Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
______________________________________ ____

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

26th Aug 2009, 11:28
Guy: Why are you wearing a bra? It's not like you have anything to put in it!
Girl: Why are you wearing pants then?!

26th Aug 2009, 12:39
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"

26th Aug 2009, 12:43
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

26th Aug 2009, 12:46
born with bullets

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was mast*rbating and I shot the dog."

26th Aug 2009, 12:49
"Santa's Dilemma"

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

26th Aug 2009, 12:51
robot secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have s*x, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

26th Aug 2009, 12:54
dont drink too much

A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."

The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will no tbe any complaints in the morning.

The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

26th Aug 2009, 13:01
viagra strikes again

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

26th Aug 2009, 13:24
Pick-Up Lines

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Cristmas can I visit you in between the Holidays?

Let's play lion tamer . . .
You open your mouth and I'll put my head in.

Man: Hey come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure could make your bed-rock!

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: "Do not enter".

You must be an astronaut because you are out of this world.

Man: Oh baby! Is that an airplane I hear or is that my heart taking off?

Man: God must be crying right now ...
Woman: Why?
Man: Because he just lost an angel...

If I told you that you had a nice body would you hold it against me . . . PLEASE

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? n never come back?

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: "Excuse me, are your pants mirrors?"
Woman: "No, why?"
Guy: "Because I can see myself in them."

Man: "Oh! baby are you hurt?"
Woman: "No, Why?"
Man: "It's a long fall from Heaven."

Are your parents thieves?
Because they stole the stars and put them into your eyes.

Guy: Hey there. Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Woman: NO.
Guy: Enough to break the ice. My name is . . .

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

26th Aug 2009, 13:28
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss(pees) onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock(fork). I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits(sheets) onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

the best evah!!

26th Aug 2009, 13:43
poopie list

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

26th Aug 2009, 13:55
Sayang. Di ako matyaga magbasa ng english joke

haha it's ok.. mas maganda kasi sa tenga ang mga mal*l*swang tagalog if translated sa english ahahaha :D

26th Aug 2009, 15:55
no more baby talk

It's the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.

"What was the best part about your summer?" she asks one boy sitting in the front row.

"I went to visit my nanna," he replies.

"It's fifth grade now, so we'll expect you to use the adult word, 'grandma,' okay?" says the teacher. The boy nods.

Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. "What is your favorite food?"

The girl replies, "I like peppermint gummy goodies."

"Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade," says the teacher. "Try to use the adult word, okay?" The girl nods.

The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. "Do you like to read?" she asks.

"Yes, ma'am," he replies.

"Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!"

The boy thinks for a moment, then says, "Yes, Winnie-the-Shit."

30th Aug 2009, 10:23
funny sayings

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

30th Aug 2009, 10:28

A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies

I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.

Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said "this butter's bitter! But a bit
of better butter will but make my butter better" So she bought some better
butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so 'twas
better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter! - sent in by Nick (warwickschool )

Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?

A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.

If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.



I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

if a sledering snail went down a slippery slide would a snail sleder or slide down the slide- By S.Walton

bubble bobble, bubble bobble, bubble bobble

These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue .

Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

Lala Gope Gappungam Das. sent by Vishal Jain..(Mumbai)

You curse, I curse, we all curse, for asparagus!

Kacha papaya pacca papaya Kacha papaya pacca papaya Kacha papaya pacca papaya.

Sanjeev's sixth sheep is sick sent by S.Raju ...(Cochin)

Double bubble gum, bubbles double.

Betty bought butter but the butter was bitter, so Betty bought better butter to make the bitter butter better.

A sailor went to sea To see, what he could see. And all he could see Was sea, sea, sea.

A box of mixed biscuits, a mixed biscuit box.

Upper roller lower roller Upper roller lower roller. .... sent by Poonam Damani ..(Guwahati)

Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch? ...sent by Richard Walsh.


Which watch did which witch wear and which witch wore which watch? ..sent by Uncle Philly (USA)

Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

How much wood could a wood chuck; chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood..........sent by Kiran Grewal - USA

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Paresh P Patel plans to peel potatoes in Pune

An Ape hates grape cakes.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore she sells sea shells no more - By Sethna Hilla

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. And on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.

Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.


A skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. the skunk thought the stump stunk . What stunk the skunk or the stump?

The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo, baboon bamboo......

My Bhaiya buys black Bananas by the bunch.

The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.

Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors.Daddy draws doors.

Do tongue twisters twist your tongue? by Sneha. A (New Delhi)

Friendly Fleas and Fire Flies

If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing. by Saachi Khatri (Mumbai)

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, FuzzyWuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... was he???

How many cans can a canner can, if a canner can can cans?
A canner can can as many cans as a canner can, if a canner can can cans.

How much wood could a wood chopper chop, if a wood chopper could chop wood?

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

If Freaky Fred Found Fifty Feet of Fruit and Fed Forty Feet to his Friend Frank how many Feet of Fruit did Freaky Fred Find?

Penny's pretty pink piggy bank

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, 'Is it harder to toot or to tutor two tooters to toot?'

One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
wheres the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Black bug's blood.

Crisp crusts crackle and crunch.

It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!

Tie a knot, tie a knot.
Tie a tight, tight knot.
Tie a knot in the shape of a nought.

Freshly-fried fat flying fish

Rubber baby-buggy bumpers.

Jolly juggling jesters jauntily juggled jingling jacks.

Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king's kitchen.

Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit,
did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit?
If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit,
Where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought ?? .....By Shirish Karker ( India)
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

30th Aug 2009, 10:30
She saw a fish on the seashore and I'm sure The fish she saw on the seashore was a saw-fish.

Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!

A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Betty Boughter bought some butter
But she said the butter's bitter
If I put it in my batter
It will make my batter bitter
But a bit of better butter will make it better than the bitter butter
So she bought a bit of better butter
And put it in her batter
And her batter was not bitter
So t'was Betty Boughter bought a bit if better butter and put it in her
batter and her batter was not bitter.

Here's the answer:
The doctoring doctor doctors the doctor the way the
doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor.
Not the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctored.

Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

I cannot bear to see a bear
Bear down upon a hare.
When bare of hair he strips the hare,
Right there I cry, "Forbear!"

A tree toad loved a she-toad
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad
But a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree toad tried to win
The three-toed she-toad's heart,
For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground
That the three-toed tree toad trod.
But the two-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower
With her three-toed power
The she-toad vetoed him.

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.

You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light,
It is really not quite right
To light night-lights with their slight lights
On a light night like tonight.

Of all the felt I ever felt,
I never felt a piece of felt
which felt as fine as that felt felt,
when first I felt that felt hat's felt.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought
I thought I thought.

Swan swam over the sea,
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swam back again
Well swum, swan!

30th Aug 2009, 10:42
moron jokes

Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

How did the moron try to kill a fish?
He tried to drown it in the sea.

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him .

How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !

How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow! (hehehehe)

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

30th Aug 2009, 10:47
Actual signs

In an office:

Outside a farm:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

Outside a photographer's studio:

Sign warning of quicksand:

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

Sign on motorway garage:

Notice in health food shop window:

Spotted in a safari park:

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a field:

Message on a leaflet:

Sign on a repair shop door:

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

Sign on a famous beauty parlour window:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother.

30th Aug 2009, 10:55
bruce lee is not dead
-he’s just kicking around somewhere

is there any intelligent life on earth ?
yes but I’m only visiting

this is where napolean tore his boneapart

drive carefully ....don’t kill a child
-wait for teacher

*LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday’s experiment

the only way to avoid mistakes is to gain by experience. The only way to gain experience …is to make a mistake.

if we learn from our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education

evil spelled backward is live

he who finds fault in his friend’s has faulty friends

smile -things may get worse more slowly

constipation is the thief of time

always be sincere ……even when you don’t mean it

the road to success is usually under construction

30th Aug 2009, 11:12
They lived happily until they got married.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."

There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive

"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two!

Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!

God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!

Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting.

Whom are you working for?
Same people. My wife and four kids.

I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Yes. Meow.

30th Aug 2009, 11:20
lool. ang hirap ng english. thankx

30th Aug 2009, 11:29
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Where is the cat in the catwalk?
Do models walk like cats?

Why are apartments so close together?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road... whatever happened to the other shoe?

Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

30th Aug 2009, 11:31
lool. ang hirap ng english. thankx

hehe old na xe mga tagalog jokes eh hehe

30th Aug 2009, 11:47
Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

30th Aug 2009, 11:52
Problems when using WIFE 1.0 software

To: TechNICAL Support

Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected :(

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!


To: Rajeev

Dear Rajeev,

This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed !!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

tch. support

30th Aug 2009, 12:01
dami dami.. hehehe

nice post :D

30th Aug 2009, 12:07
Weird Information

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. asia,america,africa,australia,europe,antartica

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time
displayed on a watch is 10:10.

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

30th Aug 2009, 12:20
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.

Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!

Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?

Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.

Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.

Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?

Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.

Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!

Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!

################################################## #####

Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.

Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.

Then see below..

. Answer below (scroll down) ...


There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".

30th Aug 2009, 15:50
pick up lines

I’ve heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?

Excuse me, but I’m new in town, can I have directions to your place?

Can I buy you a drink - or would you just prefer the five bucks?

I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

You must be the reason for global warming because you’re hot.

You know what would look great on you? Me.

Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

I think I need to call heaven because they’ve lost one of their angels.

Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get!

That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous.

Excuse me for interrupting and I’m not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if you’re packing that much ass.

Your mom was pretty good, so i figured you would be too.

I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.

Damn, I’m glad I’m not blind!

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

You look like my second wife! And I’ve only been married once!

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

If you were Sprite, I’d obey my thirst!

Do you like bananas or blueberries? Why? I wanna know what kind of pancackes to make in the morning.

Excuse me can I borrow some coins, it is an emergency. My mom told me to giver her a call the first time I fell in love.

Hey are you wearing space pants because your ass is out of this world

if you where my home work, I’d do you on the table

u turn my software to hardware:lmao:

*rubs her back*
I thought angles had wings

i love your outfit but think it would look alot better on my bedroom floor

well theres the exit…will u go out with me?

Guy: My magic watch says that you don’t have on any underwear. Girl: I do Guy: Damn! it must be 15 minutes fast

Are you a zoo? Because you bring the animal out in me.

MAN:Do you wanna dance? Girl:NO MAN:Sorry i guess u didnt hear me correctly i said you look fat in those pants

step away from the bar please, you're melting all the ice.

Nice legs, What time do they open??

you have something on your ass..what?.. my eyes

30th Aug 2009, 15:54
how to get rid of roommate in 10 days

Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.”

Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences.

“Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”

Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”

Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then give away the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here somewhere.”

While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that “It’s a jungle out there.” Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull’s eye.

Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.”

Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”

Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (”Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!”)

When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and cursing.

Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.

Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.

Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

31st Aug 2009, 01:17
galing naman ng post sis :clap: :rofl:

31st Aug 2009, 06:52
galing naman ng post sis :clap: :rofl:

:thumbsup::thumbsup: salamat

31st Aug 2009, 09:23
funny school excuse notes

“Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.”

“Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.”

“Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Joyce from jim today.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”

“Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

“Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.”

31st Aug 2009, 09:28
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first grade kids (6 or 7 year-olds)!
funny proverbs by kids

* Strike while the ………insect is close.
* Never underestimate the power of…………ants.
* Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
* Better to be safe than…………….punch a grade 7 boy.
* If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
* It’s always darkest before…………DaylightSaving Time.
* You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
* No news is…………………………….impossible.
* A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
* You can’t teach an old dog new…………..maths.
* Love all, trust………………………..me.
* The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
* An idle mind is…………………the best way to relax.
* Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
* Happy the bride who……………gets all the presents.
* A penny saved is……………………….not much.
* Two’s company, three’s…………………the Musketeers.
* Don’t put off till tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed.
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……….you have to blow your nose.
* There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
* Children should be seen and not………….smacked or grounded.
* If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
* You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
* When the blind leadeth the blind……..get out of the way.
* And the favorite:
* Better late than……………………….pregnant

31st Aug 2009, 09:41
" Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. A guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration? "


1st Sep 2009, 06:51

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

1st Sep 2009, 06:59
drunken fool

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

1st Sep 2009, 12:31
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.

L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.

B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.

N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.

I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction

K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.

E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.

M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.

M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.

I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.

P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.

C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.

P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.

P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice
And Quiet Under Ecstacy.

T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.

P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.

Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.

M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of
Romance Only.

Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!

And a favorite acronym so far:

P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please..
I Need Erotic Stimulation

1st Sep 2009, 12:32

Restituto Fruto ....Tutti Fruti
Casimiro Bocaycay ....Cashmere Bouquet
Rogelio Dagdag ......Roger Moore
Veneracion de Asis..... Venereal Disease
Alfonso de Asis........ Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril ......Top Gun
Francisco Portero ...Frank Porter
Juan Tampipi ......John Samsonite
Victoria Malihim .......Victoria's Secret
Anacleto Torres...... Clit Towers
Eliutario Ignacio .....Electronic Ignition
Bienvenido Jurado...... Ben Hur

1st Sep 2009, 12:39
What's the similarity between sperms and mayonaise?
1. Pareho silang spreadable
2. Pareho silang may proteins
3. Pareho silang galing sa itlog
4. Pareho silang Ladies Choice!

Spanish Poem:
Bomba este Mama.
El papa la bomba de Mama de kama.
Tres beses birada.
El papa pagod na, la Mama gusto isa pa.
Papa takas na porque titi niya maga na.

Q: Bakit ang brief ay may bulsa?
A: Kasi lalagyan ng asin, pampaalat ng itlog
Q: Eh, bakit ang panty wala?
A: Kasi maalat na ang mani

69 --- good position
96 --- magkaaway
66 --- bading
6.9 --- KADIRI (( kasi may period ))

Ginabi ang dalaga sa pag-uwi...
Dalaga: 'Nay pasensya na kayo hah ginabi ako kasi kinain ko pa
ang cheesedog ng boyfriend ko eh !!
Nanay: Wala yon anak, totoo naman eh may mayonaise pa
nga ang labi mo eh !....

Q : Ano ang pagkakaiba ng SANITARY NAPKIN sa BRA ?
A : Sa Sanitary napkin parang wala kahit meron, samantalang
sa bra parang meron kahit wala !

BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo "
Hilow, hus cooling place ? "

A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.
SALESGIRL: " Is it as big as papaya ? "
MAN: " No "
SALESGIRL : " an apple "
MAN: " No "
SALESGIRL : " ahh..an egg ? "
MAN: " YES , but fried ! "

GIRL 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?
GIRL 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
GIRL 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya ?
GIRL 2 : yung misis niya !

SweetHearts making love ..
GF : " Luv, alam mo ikaw lang ang naikama ko "
BF : Sweet mo naman luv ! GF : Oo, kasi, yung iba, sa
CR, Sala, Kusina at kung saan saan pa !

MAN 1 : Kinakausap mo ba misis mo habang nakikipag-sex ka ?
MAN 2 : Hindi ah ! pinapatay ko nga celfon ko para di niya ako

Q : Ano ang pagkakaiba ng mag-syota at mag-asawa ?
A: SYOTA - " Excuse me, lalayo tapos uutot " ! ASAWA
" Uutot muna, lalayas tapos wala pang " excuse me "

1st Sep 2009, 12:45
GUY 1 : Noong, nakaraang buwan, isinama ko syota ko
sa bahay ng lolo kong milyonaryo para makilala nito.
GUY 2 : Anong nangyari ?
GUY 1 : Lola ko na siya ngayon !

2 wives are buying gulay at a local market .
WIFE 1 : Everytime I see potatoes naaalala ko ang
itlog ng mister ko.
WIFE 2 : Wow ! ganyan kalaki ?
WIFE 2 : Hindi, ganyan kadumi !

Q: Why do women wear black panties ?
A : For the memory of those who got buried inside !
Q: Why do men have to wear white briefs ?
A : To pretend that it's pure & never been buried !

KOSA 1: Ganda kotse o Siguro kay meyor yan!
KOSA 2: Dili, bay!
KOSA 1: Ah, kay Warden.
KOSA 2: Tunto! Kay Father yan, nakasulat na nga sa
likod " SAFARI "

Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE ..tried it on his
penis & had a wonderful orgasm but couldn't remove
it so he read the manual & fainted. It said " AUTO

Kring, kring.........
AMO:Inday sagutin mo ang telepono baka kabit yan ng Sir mo!!!
INDAY:Si Ma'am talaga o.....pinapaselos ako!!!

1st Sep 2009, 12:50
BADING: Wow! ang laki naman niyan!
BOY: Malaki nga pero wala namang silbi dahil split na kami ng
ko, paputol ko na lang kaya at ipakain sa aso!!!
BADING: Aw!!Aw!!Aw!!!Arrff!!Arrff!!

The interpreter was trying his best to translate what the
witness is saying in a court case:
Witness: "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung
Pinoy Interpreter: "After the what-what came the who-who!"

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Husband: Lagi mo pala dinadala ang picture ko sa bag
mo pag pumapasok ka sa office. Baket?
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat,
nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal
mo ko.
Wife:Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi

Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang
ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!

1st Sep 2009, 12:56
Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay
88 yearsold na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang

Tatlong kolehiyala sa loob ng jeep?
Katrina: Bakit amoy malansa?
Karen: Oo nga! Parang amoy sperm!
Gina: (violent reaction) Ang aarte naman ninyo! Para
dumighay lang ako, eh!

Txt Shortcuts?
TB: Txt Back
TT: Txt Tayo
TTLAKI: Txt Tayo Later Ako Intay
KKLIIT: Kuripot Ka, Lagi Ikaw Intay Txt
PUKIMO: Pag-Uwi Ko, I-txt Moko, Okey?

Sa hardin ng Paraiso?
Adan: Lord, hindi ko na kaya ang pagtukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso ng ahas sa iyo?
Adan: Supot! Supot! Supot!?

Totoy: Inay, ano po ba iyong sexx?
Inay: Ah, eh? iyan ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para magkaanak.
Totoy: Ang haba naman noon, Inay! Paano ko isusulat iyan sa biodata?

1st Sep 2009, 18:02

ikinuwento ni porky ang panaginip nya nung nakaraan kay chopy...

porky: alam mo pre nanaginip ako nung nakaraan tsk tsk tsk muntik ng magkalaboan!

choppy:bakit ano bang nangyari?

porky:kasi ganito kasi yun..naglalakad daw ako sa tabing dagat..

choppy:tapos anong nangyari...?

porky:sa pag lalakad ko may nasipa akong isang bote..!


porky: biglang may lumabas na jinny......


porky: oo jinny..

choppy:tapos anong nangyari?

porky:sabi ng jinny SALAMAT PANGINOON AKO IYONG PINALAYA BILANG GANTI MAG BIGAY KA NG ISANG KAHILINGAN AT AGAD AGAD KO ITONG TUTUPARIN...(napaisip si porky) sige! ang hiling ko gawin mo akong maliit na bagay..para mapagitan ako ng dalawang hita ni christine hermosa!!

choppy: woOnly registered users can see the link. christine hermosa pa ha!! ohh anong ginawa sa iyo ng jinny...?

porky:kumumpas agad ang jinny...! MATUTUPAD ANG IYONG KAHILINGAN!!! ginawa nya akong sanitary nupkin ginawa nya akong MODES...

choppy: ehh di napagitan ka ng dalawang hita ni christine hermosa..??

porky: pre hindi rin ehh.......

choppy: bakit????

porky: whisper gamit nya ehh!!

choppy:buOnly registered users can see the link. !!

1st Sep 2009, 18:03
Madre sa kumbento:

may 3 madre sa kumbento,at nakahanap sila ng bisikleta na nasa gilid ng simbahan at napag-usapan nilana sakyan ito.

madre 1 : Weheheheheeeeee! ang sarap mag bisikleta!!!! yahoooooo!!!

biglang lumabas ang Mother Superior

Mother Superior: HOY! ang ingay mo naman, mahiya ka nga, nasa kumbento tayo dapat tahimik lang kayo, lugar ito ng pagdadasal!

madre 1 : sorry po mother superior...

Nainggit si madre 2 at sinakyan din ang bisikleta

madre 2 : Haaaaaayyy!!!! ang sarap mag bisikletaaaaa!!! weheheheheeeee!!!

Lumabas nanaman ang mother superior

Mother superior : HOY! pinagsabihan ko na kayo ah... ang titigas ng mga ulo ninyo, sabi ko nga wag maingay eh! tigilan niyo na yan!

madre 2 : sorry po mother superior... di na po mauulit...

si madre 3 nainggit kasi siya lang ang di nakasakay, kaya sinakyan niya nalang bigla ang bisikleta pag alis ng mother superior

madre 3 : PUTANGINAAAA!!! ang sarap mag bisikleta!!! HAAAAAAY!!!!

Lumabas si mother superior at galit na galit na talaga ito.

Mother Superior : Anak ng petchay! Maingay ka na nga, nagmura ka pa! Akin na nga yang bisikleta na yan at ibabalik ko na ang upuan!!!

1st Sep 2009, 18:10

Bata:Manong, Ano po ba capital ng Pilipinas?
Manong:Alam Mo walang capital ang Pilipinas.
Bata:Bakit po?
Manong:Kasi puro utang....


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Teacher question 2 student:
teacher: Rick use Euthanasia in the sentence
Rick: Mam, Euthanasia is an act of mecry killing.
teacher: Good! Rick
Teacher: Juan use Euthanasia in the sentence
Juan: Easy yan po mam. Our maid is no longer a virgin because na Euthanasia.

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ERAP: Akyat kang puno, pisilin mo ang bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (Umakyat at pinisil ang bunga.) Oo, pare, hinog na!
ERAP: Sige, baba ka na, sungkitin natin!

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ANAK: Mommy, bakit ka tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni Daddy?
MOM: Wala, anak, pinapaliit ko lang ang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
ANAK: Wa epek 'yan, kasi hinihipan ulit ni yaya.

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MAHIYAIN - Covering face with her skirt, exposing her "kuan".
MATULUNGIN - "Ako na lang ang maghuhubad, Sir."
PAKIPOT - "Ayoko sa harap, sa likod na lang."

ANAK: Inay, 'yung BF ko, hindi naniniwala sa LANGIT at IMPIYERNO. INA: Pakasal kayo, anak, at ipalasap mo sa kanya ang LANGIT at ako ang magpapakita sa kanya ng IMPIYERNO!

Ano ang animal na di sigurado? Eh di BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? Eh di CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di I-COW!

Alam mo ba irog kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?Bakit Mahal?

1st Sep 2009, 18:14
What Women Say:
Teenage girl: Kiss me, but marry me.
Wife: No money, no honey.
Mistress: With house, open blouse.
Secretary: Forget your wife, always remember me!
Kumare: Wala ang pare mo, pwede na tayo.
GRO: No pay, no lay.
Pokpok: Money down, panty down.
Salesgirl: Buy me this dress, I give you happiness.
Madre: Gusto ko sana, may pari bang kakasa?
Biyuda: Matagal nang wala, ikaw ay pinagpala.
Matandang dalaga: Noon pa sana, ngayon, paano na?

REPORTER: Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?
ERAP: I'm totally against it!
REPORTER: Baket po?
ERAP: Napakarami namang motel diyan, baket kelangan sa movies pa?

Bagong salta sa America, yung Pinoy ay gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas kaya dinayal yung "0 for Operator".
Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in... Important and L as in... Elephant.

1st Sep 2009, 18:29
I read on the newspaper that sending text messages causes a radiation that is cancerous. That's why I have decided to stop….to stop reading newspapers.

The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too. But if rain really makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?

Whenever I hear people say something bad about you, like when they say that you are not cute enough, I would always come to your defense and say "She's trying to be one naman a!"

"Learn to appreciate art," I told my girlfriend. She said, "How could I appreciate you, then?"

You've got sex appeal, you've got style, you've got intelligence, and you've got class. You've got the face and you've got the body but I've got the wrong number… Sorry ha, mali pala!

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're a grownup, I have one question..... What happened?

Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose - your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don't have!

I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with two angels. Your angel is cute but mine is not, so tampo ko. I asked why cute ang angel mo. They said: "Balance of nature".

How can you know if a person is cute? First, he or she has a poor memory. Second - umn … I forgot na!

Our friendship means a lot to me, that if we were the last people on a sinking ship and there's only one life vest, I'll..uhm.. ah.. eh..I'm gonna miss you for sure!

Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Kasi sabi nila cute daw ako kapag naiinis ako! Kaya, Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!

Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

Smile is the secret to stay young and cute. Naks, bakit ka nakangiti?

If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. If you need money, wait for your salary.

No matter how sad, no matter how sick, I feel better just thinking of you... But I'm happier each time I send you a message 'coz I know I'll be disturbing you!

Between the thousand yesterdays and a million tomorrows, there's only one today and I wouldn't let this day pass without saying this to you - ang cute ko, grabe!

When I say good morning, it means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, it means I care for you. When I say ang cute mo, antok lang ako. Tulog na ko.

I saw someone at the mall. So cute, smart-looking, simple, elegant, and looks like a celebrity. Kainis paglapit ko nauntog ako. Salamin pala!

Just got my medical exam results. Malala na ang sakit ko. Everyday lalo akong gumaganda at wala raw gamot dito. But don't worry, di daw nakakahawa. Safe ka.

You're like my asthma, you take my breath away. Like dandruff; I can't get you off my head. Like my car, you drive me crazy. Like dentures, I can't smile without you.

If you're not cute don't continue reading this.... Naks! yan ang gusto ko sayo eh, lakas ng fighting spirit mo! O pumipindot pa! Lupit mo!

If only I'm an angel, I'll protect you. I'll lend you my wings. I'll watch over you. But I'm not an angel, hawig lang.

No one is too fat to run, except the Pinoy policeman.

I looked at the sky. The sky is beautiful. I looked at you. I looked at the sky na lang ulit.

I'm afraid to die not because it will hurt or I don't know what will happen, but because I might be waiting for you in Heaven and be disappointed.

Some people choose friends who are thoughtful and caring. Some prefer those who are smart and good looking. When you chose me, pinakyaw mo na lahat.

I live a very difficult life. I'm always hurt! Whenever people call me cute, good looking, smart and lovable, I'm always hurt! Totoo pala, the truth hurts!

I asked my guardian angel for a friend whom I can love forever. She gave me you. And so I called on her again and asked: "Wala na bang iba?"

What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you and torture is thinking of you too much.

I'm so sorry for not telling you this before. You ought to know how smart, cute, witty, sweet, charming, alluring and wonderful you are!... I didn't know I've influenced you that much!

When somebody who's deeply in love with you tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic, I agree. That's true, believe me, I swear. Cause love is blind!

Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. That's enough bout me. How about you?

When I was lost, you were there. When I was down, you were there. When I was bankrupt, you were there. When I almost died, you were there... Teka, baka ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!

1st Sep 2009, 18:34
Sintomas ng mga Sobra Adik sa Chat

1. pasmado ang kamay
2. ulcer
3. lumulobong eyebags
4. warak na warak na bladder
5. tumatawa kahit walang tao
6. nagsasalita kahit walang tao
7. kinikilig habang tumitipa sa keyboard
8. nagkwekwento na gumagalaw ang daliri kahit walang keyboard
9. delingkwente sa trabaho at eskwela
10. lumiligaya ng sekswal kahit hindi nahihipo (psst... mga nagsa-cyber diyan..lol.)
11. kapag naiinis..parang gusto mag .(dot) kill
12. Walang kaibigan na me pangalang normal...
13. Hindi na kilala ng pamilya...
14. nanginginig kapag nalalayo sa computer
15. madalas manigas ang daliri
16. Inaatake ng kung anu-anong sakit kapag nasisira ang modem/down ang ISP
17. Kapag nakakarinig ng paulit ulit na nagsasalita na tao ang isinisigaw eh "stop flooding"
18. Ayaw ng maglunch pag nakaumpisang magchat
19. Overstay sa office instead of overtime.
20. ASL pa rin ang tanong pag nakikipagkilala in person.
21. BRB pa rin ang sinasabi sa teacher o sa Boss kung pupunta sa CR..
22. When they greet someone, they say, "Hello Everybuddy!!!
23. Before leaving, they say "5...4...3...2...1... Bye Everybuddy!!!
24. When they see a girl, or someone who looks like one, they'll say Muaaaahhhh!!!"
25. Living out their fantasies in the chat room, like kissing a girl or someone who looks like a girl, or someone pretending to be a girl…..can't do that in reality kaya sa chat room na lang.
26. Their typing speed is 100 words per minute.
27. Laughs like this, "Bwahahahahah!"........Hak Hak Hak "
30. Always gives a fake age and sex
31. Pag natutulog at nagising, unang dinig "Welcome or You got mail" ...Lol
32. Laging mataas ang Phone Bill, kahit nasa Africa tinatawagan.
33. Kahit nasaan, `pag may nakitang Comp. IRC agad ang nasa isip.
34. May blackbook na dala , pero puro screen name ang nakasulat instead real name.
35. Puro punters and tosser pinag uusapan, wala ng iba sa personal.
36. pag may nakilala kahit hindi onliners tanong agad "Chatter ka?"
37. Puro onliners ang GF o BF, ayaw ng nde onliner.
38. Laging nasa gimik ng IRC at kilala ang mga members.
39. Wall paper sa kwarto puro pic ng mga onliners. Lol
40. Laging nag-iisip kung anong nick name ang next na gagamitin.
41. Minumura si chanserv at nickserv kapag "currently down"..(nde kasi nila makukuha ang OP status nila!!)