sandwich20m
23rd Oct '07 Tue, 15:18
1. Comelec: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong
tentacles?
Reli: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsisimula sa letrang "O-C-T-O"
Erap: October?
Comelec: Hindi.
Edong: Erap, "walo" ang "tentacles" nito!
Erap: Octo-walo?
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Ronnie: Erap, ang hayop na ito ay malambot ang katawan.
Erap: Ah, Octoart dancer!
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Reli: Last clue. Nagtatapos sa "S" ang pangalan.
Erap: Octoarts dancers!
Comelec: Sorry! Hindi pa rin!
Next question...
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2) Comelec: What is the national tree of the Philippines? (Narra)
Reli: It starts with the letter "N"
Erap: Alam ko 'yan...niyog.
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, mas malakas pa diyan!!!
Erap: (In his strongest-sounding voice)...NIYOG!
Comelec: Sorry!
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3) Comelec: OK, History naman...Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Edong: Erap, it starts with letter "B" (Bagumbayan)
Erap: OK, OK...sa kanyang "Back"
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie, Edong, Reli and the Comelec enter in quiet discussion.
Reli: O, Erap, puwede rin daw ang letter "L" (Luneta)
Erap: 'yon pala...sa Likod!
Erap's three advisors and the Comelec confer again...afterwards...
Ronnie: O, Erap, last clue daw. Puwede rin "R.P." (Rizal Park)
Erap: Tenks, Ronnie...kuha ko na! Sa kanyang "Rear Part"!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4) Comelec: Saan pumupunta ang tao pag-summer upang maligo?
Ronnie: Erap, starts with letter "B"!
Erap: Siyempre...Banyo!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Remember..."pag-summer"
Reli: E'tong clue...maararawan ka diyan!
Ronnie: Last clue,
Erap...maraming naka-bikini diyan!
Erap: Sana, sinabi mo pa 'yan kanina!....BEERHOUSE!
Comelec: Sorry,
next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5) Comelec: What is the national bird of the Philippines? (Maya)
Edong: Starts with the letter "M"
Erap: Manok???
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, "brown" ang kulay nito!
Erap: Piniritong manok?
Comelec: Sorry!
Ronnie: Maliit na maliit ito, pero itsurang ibon pa rin!!!
Erap: Maggie Chicken Cube?
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6) Comelec: What is the country's national flower? (Sampaguita)
Edong: Starts with the letter "S" and grows in the sun!
Erap: Sunflower???
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, binebenta ito sa kalye!
Erap: Stork?
Reli: Bulaklak, sabi eh...
Erap: Ah, sitsarong bulaklak!
Ronnie: Isa pang clue! Ends with the letter "A"
Erap: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: Last clue! Kapangalan ito ang isang sikat na singer!
Remember,
Erap, starts with "S" and ends with "A"!!!
Erap: Sharon Cuneta!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7) Comelec: Ano ang tawag sa taong sumasagip sa nalulunod?
(Lifeguard)
Edong: Isipan mo, Erap - may "buhay" sa Ingles ang sagot nito!
Erap: Ah...Lifebuoy!
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: O, Erap...isipin mo...may "bantay" sa Ingles!
Erap: Safeguard?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Malapit na, Erap! Pagsamahin mo na lang ang sagot mo!
Erap: Safeboy?
Comelec: Sorry...last clue.
Ronnie: Hindi siya "boy" at maskulado ang katawan niya!
Erap: 'Yon pala! ....Mr. Clean!
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8) Comelec: Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Edong: Ang kapangalan niya ang isang tao sa chess (Eugene Torre)
Erap: Carole King?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa sa King.
Erap: Al Quinn?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Erap: Armida Siguion-Reyna?
Comelec: Try again.
Edong: Mas mababa sa reyna.
Erap: Bishop Bacani?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
Erap: Johnny Midnight?
Comelec: Sorry. Last chance.
Ronnie: Erap, mas mababa pa sa knight!
Erap: Kuha ko na! Jerry Pons!
Comelec: Sorry! Last chance talaga!
Reli: Erap, isipin mo! Ano ang piyesang hindi ba binanggit?
Erap: Thinking...thinking...ah, 'yun pala...Sylvia La Torre!
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9) Comelec: Oh, simple math na lang! Ano ang "2 plus 2" ???
Erap: Three!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Mataas pa diyan!
Erap: (In his highest-pitched voice) Threeeeeeee!!!
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l0) Comelec: OK, last question na ito! You still need one correct!
Sino ang national hero sa 500-peso bill? (Ninoy Aquino)
Edong: First initial is "N"
Reli: Second initial is "A"
Erap: OK, I got it! Nora Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay "Y"
Erap: Ah...Guy Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Erap, dating senador ito!
Erap: Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, patay na siya!!!
Erap: Ano? Patay na si Nora Aunor???
ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do'n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!
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DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap heard a guy at a nearby table saying "All Filipinos are assholes."
Erap: Who said that?
(The guy stood up, 7 ft. pala!)
Guy: Why, are you a Filipino?
Erap: No, I'm an asshole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
A:He can spell BMW.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Erap break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only sixmonths?
A: The box said "2 to 4 years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground
first?
A: Cory... Erap has to stop to ask for directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
A: So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: He moved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: What happened to your 2 red ears?
Erap: I was ironing and the phone rang, I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear?
Erap: That sonuvab*tch called back!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
A: So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap: Isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the Malacañang palace without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap's wisdom:
1. Don't judge a book if you're not a judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
A: He thinks his picture is being taken.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap, who is tired of being thought of as dumb, disguised himself with beard and sunglasses. To prove his point, he goes to a sheep ranch and asks the sheep herder if he can guess the number of sheep in his herd, can he have one?
The herder says "Go ahead". He looks at the herd and says, "352 sheep". The sheep herder is amazed and said to pick any sheep he wanted.
As Erap is ready to leave the sheep herder says, "If I can guess who you are, can I have my dog back"?
Bakit may wrist band si ERAP?
Para malaman nya kung ano ang left sa right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pano mo malalaman kapag ginamit ni ERAP ang computer?
May liquid paper sa monitor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakit nakatitig si ERAP sa juice bottle?
Kasi nakasulat concentrate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bakit nag-iismile si ERAP pag kumikidlat?
Akala niya may nagpi-picture taking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little ERAP opened a box of animal crackers and spread it all over the table.
MOM: What are you doing?
ERAP: It says on the box "Do not eat if SEAL is broken." Hinahanap ko yung SEAL!
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ERAP to Gloria: Galing ng bagong cellphone ko! GSM!
GLORIA: Bakit naman?
ERAP: Kasi adaptable, pwede sa lahat!
GLORIA: Ha?
ERAP: Oo, GSM = Globe, Smart, Mobiline!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ambassador to ERAP: I haven’t met your wife? Where is she?
Napadaan si Loi.
ERAP: Oh my wife? She just passed away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap was about to return a bottle of coke when he suddenly went back home.
WIFE: Why did you return?
ERAP: I forgot my hat. It says return with cap.
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Returning from Australia...
ERAP: Ganda ng animals don lalo na yung dangaroos!
BODYGUARD: Sir, baka kangaroos?
ERAP: Hinde! Sabi ng sign "Please don’t touch, these animals are dangerous!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP at a ballet performance. He sees the dancers tiptoeing and twirling.
ERAP: Tsk! Tsk! Silly choreographers! Why didn’t they just find taller ballerinas?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a restaurant Erap heard the couple next table are ordering: "Bring us Swiss steak and French fries."
ERAP: I’ll have the same, give me the sweepstakes and first prize.
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BATA: Mr. President, bakit ganyan ka maglakad?
ERAP: Kasi sabi ng Doc, Cholesterol is bad for the heart. Kaya iniiwasan ko yung itlog.
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ERAP in New York bumps into a blackman.
BLACKMAN: Hey watch it! You MUDAFUCKA!!!
ERAP: Gago to a, MADAFAKA rin sana!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP paging Jinggoy: "Jinggoy, you left your beeper in the house."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP to operator: Pwede bang malaman kung ano ang time difference ng Philippines sa U.S.?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir...
ERAP: Oh i see... thanks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver to ERAP: Boss, pakitingin naman yung signal lights kung gawa.
ERAP (nilabas ang ulo at tinignan): Oops gawa, oops sira, oops gawa...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FVR: Sorry I’m late. Na-stuck kasi ako sa elevator for 2 hrs.
ERAP: OK lang yon, ako nga na-stuck ako sa escalator for 3 hrs eh!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap at the Fish Port...
PRESS: Sir, kamusta ang peace and order dito?
ERAP: Ang fish marami, ang order konti dahil sa lumubog na barko.
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Sa isang lamay...
ERAP: Tayo na Jinggoy, mauna na tayo.
JINGGOY: Bakit po?
ERAP: Hindi mo ba nakikita yung sign, "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP: Wow, bango mo ngayon ah. Anong pabango mo?
Loi: Basta, secret!!
ERAP: Secret? diba pangpahid yon sa kilikili?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP: Ano ang English ng "hindi ko alam?"
Ramos: I don’t know!
ERAP: Ha ha ha!!!
Ramos: Bakit ka tumawa?
ERAP: Kasi hindi mo rin alam ang sagot!
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CHINA: We’ll send a man to space by year 2000.
RUSSIA: We’ll send a man to the moon.
USA: We’ll send a man to Mars.
ERAP: We’ll send a man to the sun.
SCIENTIST: Impossible! It’s very HOT!
ERAP: Stupid! We’ll send him at night!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap orders pizza.
WAITER: Sir do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 or 8?
ERAP: 4 na lang baka hindi ko maubos pag-8!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the news it was mentioned that Erap was gonna buy Philippine AirLines and that he's gonna call it ERAP-plano!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paano mo mapapagkasya ang 71 katao sa isang kotse at tumatakbo pa kayo ng 120 Mph.
Ganito 'yun: Iyung dalawang tao nasa likod ang nag-si-sixty nine, then plus driver and watcher.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paano mong malalaman kung walang panty ang madre?
Pag nakita mo iyong itim na sapatos niya na may balakubak.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Civilized na
IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."
IDOT: "Africa?"
BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"
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NO Virgin
A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass.
The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so.
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men. La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man. Maryknoll reported that it couldn't come up with even a single virgin.
to be continued :D
tentacles?
Reli: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsisimula sa letrang "O-C-T-O"
Erap: October?
Comelec: Hindi.
Edong: Erap, "walo" ang "tentacles" nito!
Erap: Octo-walo?
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Ronnie: Erap, ang hayop na ito ay malambot ang katawan.
Erap: Ah, Octoart dancer!
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Reli: Last clue. Nagtatapos sa "S" ang pangalan.
Erap: Octoarts dancers!
Comelec: Sorry! Hindi pa rin!
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2) Comelec: What is the national tree of the Philippines? (Narra)
Reli: It starts with the letter "N"
Erap: Alam ko 'yan...niyog.
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, mas malakas pa diyan!!!
Erap: (In his strongest-sounding voice)...NIYOG!
Comelec: Sorry!
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3) Comelec: OK, History naman...Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Edong: Erap, it starts with letter "B" (Bagumbayan)
Erap: OK, OK...sa kanyang "Back"
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie, Edong, Reli and the Comelec enter in quiet discussion.
Reli: O, Erap, puwede rin daw ang letter "L" (Luneta)
Erap: 'yon pala...sa Likod!
Erap's three advisors and the Comelec confer again...afterwards...
Ronnie: O, Erap, last clue daw. Puwede rin "R.P." (Rizal Park)
Erap: Tenks, Ronnie...kuha ko na! Sa kanyang "Rear Part"!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4) Comelec: Saan pumupunta ang tao pag-summer upang maligo?
Ronnie: Erap, starts with letter "B"!
Erap: Siyempre...Banyo!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Remember..."pag-summer"
Reli: E'tong clue...maararawan ka diyan!
Ronnie: Last clue,
Erap...maraming naka-bikini diyan!
Erap: Sana, sinabi mo pa 'yan kanina!....BEERHOUSE!
Comelec: Sorry,
next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5) Comelec: What is the national bird of the Philippines? (Maya)
Edong: Starts with the letter "M"
Erap: Manok???
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, "brown" ang kulay nito!
Erap: Piniritong manok?
Comelec: Sorry!
Ronnie: Maliit na maliit ito, pero itsurang ibon pa rin!!!
Erap: Maggie Chicken Cube?
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6) Comelec: What is the country's national flower? (Sampaguita)
Edong: Starts with the letter "S" and grows in the sun!
Erap: Sunflower???
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, binebenta ito sa kalye!
Erap: Stork?
Reli: Bulaklak, sabi eh...
Erap: Ah, sitsarong bulaklak!
Ronnie: Isa pang clue! Ends with the letter "A"
Erap: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: Last clue! Kapangalan ito ang isang sikat na singer!
Remember,
Erap, starts with "S" and ends with "A"!!!
Erap: Sharon Cuneta!
Comelec: Sorry.
Next question...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7) Comelec: Ano ang tawag sa taong sumasagip sa nalulunod?
(Lifeguard)
Edong: Isipan mo, Erap - may "buhay" sa Ingles ang sagot nito!
Erap: Ah...Lifebuoy!
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: O, Erap...isipin mo...may "bantay" sa Ingles!
Erap: Safeguard?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Malapit na, Erap! Pagsamahin mo na lang ang sagot mo!
Erap: Safeboy?
Comelec: Sorry...last clue.
Ronnie: Hindi siya "boy" at maskulado ang katawan niya!
Erap: 'Yon pala! ....Mr. Clean!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8) Comelec: Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Edong: Ang kapangalan niya ang isang tao sa chess (Eugene Torre)
Erap: Carole King?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa sa King.
Erap: Al Quinn?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Erap: Armida Siguion-Reyna?
Comelec: Try again.
Edong: Mas mababa sa reyna.
Erap: Bishop Bacani?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
Erap: Johnny Midnight?
Comelec: Sorry. Last chance.
Ronnie: Erap, mas mababa pa sa knight!
Erap: Kuha ko na! Jerry Pons!
Comelec: Sorry! Last chance talaga!
Reli: Erap, isipin mo! Ano ang piyesang hindi ba binanggit?
Erap: Thinking...thinking...ah, 'yun pala...Sylvia La Torre!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9) Comelec: Oh, simple math na lang! Ano ang "2 plus 2" ???
Erap: Three!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Mataas pa diyan!
Erap: (In his highest-pitched voice) Threeeeeeee!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
l0) Comelec: OK, last question na ito! You still need one correct!
Sino ang national hero sa 500-peso bill? (Ninoy Aquino)
Edong: First initial is "N"
Reli: Second initial is "A"
Erap: OK, I got it! Nora Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay "Y"
Erap: Ah...Guy Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Erap, dating senador ito!
Erap: Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, patay na siya!!!
Erap: Ano? Patay na si Nora Aunor???
ERAP: Nakakahiya!
JINGGOY: Bakit Dad?
ERAP: Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko do'n, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOCTOR: I need your semen, urine and stool samples
ERAP: I am a bit in a hurry. Can I just leave my underwear?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap heard a guy at a nearby table saying "All Filipinos are assholes."
Erap: Who said that?
(The guy stood up, 7 ft. pala!)
Guy: Why, are you a Filipino?
Erap: No, I'm an asshole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
A:He can spell BMW.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Erap break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only sixmonths?
A: The box said "2 to 4 years!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground
first?
A: Cory... Erap has to stop to ask for directions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
A: So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: He moved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: What happened to your 2 red ears?
Erap: I was ironing and the phone rang, I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: Oh dear! What happened to your other ear?
Erap: That sonuvab*tch called back!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap always wear condoms on his ears every time he has sex?
A: So he wouldn't get hearing aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap: Isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the Malacañang palace without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap's wisdom:
1. Don't judge a book if you're not a judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
A: He thinks his picture is being taken.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when Erap sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't Erap dial 911?
A: He can not find the eleven on the phone!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
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Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
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Erap, who is tired of being thought of as dumb, disguised himself with beard and sunglasses. To prove his point, he goes to a sheep ranch and asks the sheep herder if he can guess the number of sheep in his herd, can he have one?
The herder says "Go ahead". He looks at the herd and says, "352 sheep". The sheep herder is amazed and said to pick any sheep he wanted.
As Erap is ready to leave the sheep herder says, "If I can guess who you are, can I have my dog back"?
Bakit may wrist band si ERAP?
Para malaman nya kung ano ang left sa right.
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Pano mo malalaman kapag ginamit ni ERAP ang computer?
May liquid paper sa monitor.
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Bakit nakatitig si ERAP sa juice bottle?
Kasi nakasulat concentrate.
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Bakit nag-iismile si ERAP pag kumikidlat?
Akala niya may nagpi-picture taking.
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Little ERAP opened a box of animal crackers and spread it all over the table.
MOM: What are you doing?
ERAP: It says on the box "Do not eat if SEAL is broken." Hinahanap ko yung SEAL!
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ERAP to Gloria: Galing ng bagong cellphone ko! GSM!
GLORIA: Bakit naman?
ERAP: Kasi adaptable, pwede sa lahat!
GLORIA: Ha?
ERAP: Oo, GSM = Globe, Smart, Mobiline!
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Ambassador to ERAP: I haven’t met your wife? Where is she?
Napadaan si Loi.
ERAP: Oh my wife? She just passed away.
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Erap was about to return a bottle of coke when he suddenly went back home.
WIFE: Why did you return?
ERAP: I forgot my hat. It says return with cap.
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Returning from Australia...
ERAP: Ganda ng animals don lalo na yung dangaroos!
BODYGUARD: Sir, baka kangaroos?
ERAP: Hinde! Sabi ng sign "Please don’t touch, these animals are dangerous!"
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ERAP at a ballet performance. He sees the dancers tiptoeing and twirling.
ERAP: Tsk! Tsk! Silly choreographers! Why didn’t they just find taller ballerinas?
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At a restaurant Erap heard the couple next table are ordering: "Bring us Swiss steak and French fries."
ERAP: I’ll have the same, give me the sweepstakes and first prize.
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BATA: Mr. President, bakit ganyan ka maglakad?
ERAP: Kasi sabi ng Doc, Cholesterol is bad for the heart. Kaya iniiwasan ko yung itlog.
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ERAP in New York bumps into a blackman.
BLACKMAN: Hey watch it! You MUDAFUCKA!!!
ERAP: Gago to a, MADAFAKA rin sana!!!
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ERAP paging Jinggoy: "Jinggoy, you left your beeper in the house."
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ERAP to operator: Pwede bang malaman kung ano ang time difference ng Philippines sa U.S.?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir...
ERAP: Oh i see... thanks!
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Driver to ERAP: Boss, pakitingin naman yung signal lights kung gawa.
ERAP (nilabas ang ulo at tinignan): Oops gawa, oops sira, oops gawa...
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FVR: Sorry I’m late. Na-stuck kasi ako sa elevator for 2 hrs.
ERAP: OK lang yon, ako nga na-stuck ako sa escalator for 3 hrs eh!
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Erap at the Fish Port...
PRESS: Sir, kamusta ang peace and order dito?
ERAP: Ang fish marami, ang order konti dahil sa lumubog na barko.
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Sa isang lamay...
ERAP: Tayo na Jinggoy, mauna na tayo.
JINGGOY: Bakit po?
ERAP: Hindi mo ba nakikita yung sign, "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."
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ERAP: Wow, bango mo ngayon ah. Anong pabango mo?
Loi: Basta, secret!!
ERAP: Secret? diba pangpahid yon sa kilikili?
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ERAP: Ano ang English ng "hindi ko alam?"
Ramos: I don’t know!
ERAP: Ha ha ha!!!
Ramos: Bakit ka tumawa?
ERAP: Kasi hindi mo rin alam ang sagot!
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CHINA: We’ll send a man to space by year 2000.
RUSSIA: We’ll send a man to the moon.
USA: We’ll send a man to Mars.
ERAP: We’ll send a man to the sun.
SCIENTIST: Impossible! It’s very HOT!
ERAP: Stupid! We’ll send him at night!
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Erap orders pizza.
WAITER: Sir do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 or 8?
ERAP: 4 na lang baka hindi ko maubos pag-8!
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In the news it was mentioned that Erap was gonna buy Philippine AirLines and that he's gonna call it ERAP-plano!
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Paano mo mapapagkasya ang 71 katao sa isang kotse at tumatakbo pa kayo ng 120 Mph.
Ganito 'yun: Iyung dalawang tao nasa likod ang nag-si-sixty nine, then plus driver and watcher.
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Paano mong malalaman kung walang panty ang madre?
Pag nakita mo iyong itim na sapatos niya na may balakubak.
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Civilized na
IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."
IDOT: "Africa?"
BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"
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NO Virgin
A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass.
The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so.
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men. La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man. Maryknoll reported that it couldn't come up with even a single virgin.
to be continued :D