View Full Version : All about Love
13th Feb 2007 Tue, 06:31
The Five Love Languages
got this from www.mabutingbalita.net
Have you ever given someone a gift, and then felt that he did not appreciate it?
Does it seem that your family does not understand that you are working hard for them?
In the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we learn that there are five main love languages:
1. hearing words that affirm
2. quality time spent together
3. receiving gifts and tokens of caring
4. having things done for you
5. physical touch and connection
All of us need all five forms of love, but there is one (or perhaps two), that is our “primary language” and crucial to our feeling loved and cared for. If our partner doesn’t speak to us in our “primary language” we feel as if something is missing, and we feel unloved, even if they are speaking to us in their own “primary language.” The other person may love us totally and completely, but we don’t experience what they say or do as being loving toward us. The same is true for them—we can show great love for them but if we are not using their “primary language”, then they feel abandoned and unloved.
Words of Affirmation
Several years ago, I had the mistaken belief that I should limit my praising of people (especially children). Ever since learning that this is an expression of love, I have practiced honoring and verbalizing my admiration to people who do good things, no matter how simple. Tesa, our 4-year old still has difficulty writing letters correctly. Every time she makes an improvement, we see to it that she hears that we are proud that she has improved. It encourages her more and is glad to know that her parents (us) are supportive of her efforts.
You can affirm someone in the way they dress, their promptness, their joyful disposition and positive attitude – even their mere presence, makes you feel special and loved.
In my opinion, this is the hardest form of expression among the five. Why? In this era of instant downloads, instant coffee and instant everything, we have become accustomed to a fast-paced life. We are always in a rush. We like the frenetic pace.
In my experience, quality time is not focused on what is done but on who you are with. With my kids, it’s reading or playing or just goofing around. For Gina, she is content doing nothing, just having light conversation, just being together. For others, it’s listening to them, knowing that they are heard. (Many times, you don’t even have to speak).
Note: Watching TV together is probably not classified as quality time.
Gift-giving might me the most common form of love. We give gifts during Christmas, Valentine’s Day, birthdays, when we feel like it, for the fun of it or when we did something wrong.
The gift itself is not of primary importance. The symbol behind the gift is. People who have this as their principal love language will appreciate any token and not giving them anything may be interpreted as a lack of love.
There are people who like having things done for them. Their primary love language is service. Some husbands, even if they can make coffee for themselves, would ask their wives to do that for them. Some wives on the other hand would ask their husbands to drive for them and help in the buying the groceries even when they could very well do it themselves.
This is my love language. I like holding hands with my wife anywhere, or just having her beside me, skin or elbows touching. With my kids, you would always find my arms wrapped around them, smelling them (even when they are all sweaty).
With some children who have this love language but do not get enough of it, they might express it in some form that you might mistake for naughtiness. For example, if you are walking past and they suddenly lunge or hold their leg (like barring), it may be a sign that they would like some physical contact with you.
Know your love language. Know those for your loved ones too.
It could spell the difference in your relationship.
13th Feb 2007 Tue, 06:32
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways
Love is in the air… It’s near Valentine’s Day. I’m seeing red everywhere.
Just a quick note: Love should be expressed daily, not just on February 14 or on days we feel like it.
Love is an action verb not an emotion. The nice feelings we get are good effects but they shouldn’t be our sole basis.
Love is a choice.
How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Count the Ways
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
13th Feb 2007 Tue, 06:37
7 IDEAS FOR DATING YOUR SPOUSE
In our community, husband-wife dates are encouraged, to increase the levels of intimacy, to have regular weekly one-on-one talks about matters close to our hearts. I was looking for some inspirational articles on spouse dating and found a heartwarming story here which led me to post these tips about dating your spouse.
1. Schedule. Make it a priority. Your spouse is the most important person in your life so she deserves the time. Of course there will be times that more pressing concerns come up. But this does not include a new reality TV show, the last episode of a soap opera or a Friday night out with the boys.
2. Agree on what to talk about. If it’s the kids, do not bring up the budget or the leaking faucet. Stay on course. Do not stray from the topic. And do not limit yourself with family or personal concerns. Sometimes, you can just spend the night reminiscing about the good old days of courtship or dreaming about your retirement. What matters most is that you agree on it.
3. Listen. Not just hear. Let your spouse speak her mind out, even if there are things you do not agree with. Next time it will be your turn. One of the ideas of dating is to know and understand what your partner is thinking about, what preoccupies her mind. Discipline your self not to think about what your answer or rebuttal will be. From my experience, I recommend just letting the words sink and reflect. No comments necessary. I think my wife, like many women (and probably men too) would just want to be heard and that their feelings be known. They already know what to do.
4. Take turns. Communication is two-way. Follow the one-mouth, no-interrupt rule. Take turns choosing a topic. Give an equal chance for both of you to choose what to do, where to go and what to eat. There’s only one thing that I suggest the husband should be in charge of: footing the bill. (Right ladies?)
5. Take time. This is a date after all. Something that is meant to be relished, enjoyed and look forward to. The topics may be serious (not urgent!) and can’t be fully discussed in one night. More than the subject, the conversation itself is meant to improve communication, increase understanding, spend quality time together and affirm your love and commitment for one another. Do not rush it like a meeting with a list or agenda. These are secondary. Take your time to sort things out. Not everything can be solved in one date.
6. Be consistent. If you have just re-started dating, it will take some time to adjust to the idea. Be disciplined. It may be awkward at first. Once you get past this stage, your relationship as a couple will take on a deeper dimension because of your dates.
7. Allow for unspoken moments. A gentle touch speaks volumes. Holding hands mean so much. Looking into each others’ eyes immreses you more into each others’ worlds.
Call it mushy, romantic and maybe even corny, these seemingly little things may hold more value. After all, love is found and nurtured in the little things.
13th Feb 2007 Tue, 06:41
by Rod Velez
I’ve only been in love 4 times in my life; if you’re talking to my wife, I guess that’s 3 times too many.
The first one was in high school. And as every high school romance goes, this one was on and off, and very vague. The last time I heard from her… I was driving to work and I had just picked up woman #4. Unfortunately, woman #4, was gracious enough to answer the phone for me. I won’t tell you how colorful the conversation went but needless to say, that was the last I heard from woman #1. As of the most recent reports, she is now married with 2 kids and contentedly settled in Mississippi.
Woman #2, was the most exhausting because I courted her for 6 years! I met her in college. She was unplanned; well, you don’t exactly plan these things you know. You just wake up one day and the grass is greener, the sky is bluer, and everyone is so beautiful and handsome! I courted her for the longest time but really, she was in love with somebody else; a very good man. It turns out the cliché was right, she did loved me more than a friend; she loved me like a brother. How’s that for sad endings? After I found out they were an item, I was drunk every weekend for 3 months. They have now settled in abroad but all 3 of us are good friends and we actually keep in touch regularly.
Woman #3 made the most impact on me. I met her on a retreat and I was, as they say ‘smitten.’ We had so much in common it was scary. I mean we could talk for hours and hours and not tire of each others ideas and stories. She was from Davao and every time she was home, I was there too. Never mind that her mother hated my guts, I liked this girl a lot and I didn’t plan on marrying the mother anyway. But unfortunately, she was on the rebound. Ouch. So it didn’t work out and she went with her old boyfriend. I didn’t want to get drunk after this girl. I wanted to try something stronger like drugs. But with all the trips to Davao, I didn’t have anymore money.
Woman #4 I met in college but we only became close after college. We both believed in the saying that “friends make the best lovers.” But honestly, she had none of the qualities I was consciously looking for in a woman. What she did have was everything that I thought I didn’t need; she had all the qualities I had hoped for in a woman. Among all the women I ever loved, woman #4 was different and it is without exaggeration that every time I think of her, I remember that Jerry Maguire’s line.. how does it go? “Show me the money!!” Ok maybe that’s not it but Tina really does ‘complete me’.
Here are the 3 most important lessons I’ve learned in courtship and relationships:
Lesson #1: “Love is a verb.” Ok so you’re young, you’re new to it, and you think love is string of dates with a lot of sessions for holding hands and whispering sweet nothings. But then as the relationship progresses, you discover a subtle irritation that is starting to develop between the two of you because the other person is starting to demand things you don’t expect. Then you begin to realize its not just about feeling good and having a good time but it actually demands something deeper; a commitment. Love ceases to become just an emotion. It is transformed into a verb; an action word.
Lesson #2: Guard your heart. One of the biggest mistakes you can ever make when entering into courtship is investing too much in someone and not leaving anything for yourself. Women and can be brutally objective at times and men, brutally emotional. Its little wonder why some people go thru extremes and pay the ultimate price. I knew of this one guy who was very creative about how to kill himself; he used a foot-long scribbler ball pen to end it all. But the thing just bent every time he plunged it. Hey give him a break, it’s the thought that counts. Unfortunately though, he is still alive. (joke)
Lesson #3: “It takes 3 people to make a relationship work; a man, a woman, and God.” Tina and I were having dinner one time as we were reflecting on our past. She asked me, “Dad, what’s the most important decision you’ve ever made in your life.” I looked at her with an impish smile and I said, “well, the 2nd most important decision is marrying you.” And before she could react, I continued, “but the most important one is giving my commitment to Jesus.” My wife and I are 2 very different people. Our personalities are on opposite sides of the spectrum. But I don’t think either of us would have married each other if we didn’t have our faith and values in common. Faith and values; they can get a bad rap sometimes. They are even played down most of the time. But when it comes to relationships in a marriage setting, they are as important as the air we breathe.
4 women, 3 lessons.. so go the things I’ve learned in relationships. I hope in one way or another, you have learned something from me as I have from life. Thank you.
This is a continuation of a love story.
Here is a special letter from a husband to a wife. We could all learn from what he has to say, especially with Valentine's Day coming.
PS: The letter sender is the same guy, who wrote Courtship 101 (see above article)
Dear Woman #4,
I know it’s been some time since you last read a letter from me. I hope you don't think I've been remiss or lazy. The letters exist; you just haven't read them because the notebook isn't finished yet. As usual, yes, it's a notebook and its certainly taking time to do as its already 6 months delayed. Anyway, you know how I dislike giving you unfinished things. So, you'll have it when it's ready and hopefully that will be soon. Really.
I've been thinking about how to write this assignment that Jun Asis gave me and I'm struggling a bit. Like I told you over dinner the other night, I wanted to write about the time when you and I started marriage preparation. But I keep coming up with a blank. I don't know that it's effective to write about something like that in a speech-type of format. And the item points always seem to come up as questions instead of answers.
Questions like, "How did I know I love you?" or "how did I know you were the one I was going to marry?” There are "nuisance" questions that seem to be totally unrelated to the first 2 but when you think about it, seem equally important, like "what challenges did we go thru when we finally entered into a relationship". There are more but I don't want to drown the article with too many ideas. It gets boring that way.
Alright then, why don't I answer all 3 questions just for kicks.
The first one was the most difficult to answer – "How did I know I love you?"
For someone who has been on a roller coaster ride in courtship, it was difficult to realize what was real and what was not, even when it was staring me right in the face. Remember that one day in May of '99 when we argued for the last time as we "ended our friendship?" That sounds almost corny. Yuk. Oh alright, yes we did argue about a woman (shame on me) but as I sat on the bus home thinking about the things you said, I began to realize how painful it is to entertain the idea of not being able to love the one you care deeply about. And the truth slapped me across the face, it was you. It had always been you. Perhaps part of it was deciding to love you but much of it was the realization that I needed you. The easiest person to always lie to is yourself but in the end, as the Bible puts it, "the truth shall set you free." And I fell in love.
So now we go to the next question, "how did I know you were the one I was supposed to marry?" Let’s begin at the end, which ironically means we begin at the wedding altar. Remember that friend I told you about whose wedding I attended a couple of years before ours? He stood in a corner of the church 5-minutes from the wedding march, holding his head in his hands. It was wedding jitters I think. But he looked up at me and he kept saying "this is it, is this it?" and said he felt he was a bit unsure.
I never had any doubts when it was our time. The moment felt right. Very right. It was bound to happen and I felt that if it didn't, I'd burst. Realizing the answer to the first question makes it very easy to answer the second one and it makes it seem almost trivial.
I remember the exact moment when I told papa I was going to get married; he was the first one I told. He looked at me, made a face like he was trying to suppress happy laughter, and said "Oh sure, son. Of course, of course," as he kept nodding his head. 3 minutes later he was standing in front of mama telling on me. Mama was certainly the skeptical one; I think most mothers are the moment they realize they will be "losing their son to another woman."
But what helped a lot to make the marriage preparation "feel right" were 2 equally important reasons called "Nic" and "Lyzette". They were a blessing from the very beginning as they helped us go though all of the issues. I am grateful for their wisdom, their maturity, and for opening up their home and family to us. I'm glad we got them as mentors and I think we both believed that God literally sent them to us for guidance. But that's another story.
What was the last question? Ah, "what were the challenges?" For a guy at least, there are a few I can think of. (They might seem out of place in this letter but you're a good listener so I'll write them out anyway):
(a) Loyalty – When Jun R read my courtship article, he said "Bro, you're good in English but you suck (pardon the French) in math. What only 4 women? What happened to the other 10?" The reality of it is that when you enter into a relationship, there is no skirting around the issue of having close relationships with other women. It shouldn't happen. When you're married, it's a no brainer who your best friend should be. And in courtship, it should be the same thing. The old formula "(Man + Woman) / Time = Relationship" is still true. Spend enough time with a woman who is not your girlfriend or your wife, and there's bound to be some spark happening in there somewhere.
(b) Peer pressure – similarly, you spend enough time with skeptics and you become a skeptic yourself. I'm glad we met in community. That means we've had a lot of years to spend in creating meaningful and lasting friendships. I believe it important to be surrounded with men who can teach me to do the right thing. I'm glad they're around for me to talk to; they can tell me when I'm doing what is good and they can slap me silly when I'm being untrue to my commitment.
(c) Labor of Love – Love is a commitment and it requires effort; daily effort. Real men don't stop courting their partners when they become their wives. In fact, that's when they start becoming more creative about being in love. I asked a friend of mine one time how his love life was, he said "I don't have a love life. I'm married, dude." A single lay brother once told me that many men who come to him to confess about being unfaithful are actually creative; they are creative about being unfaithful; from sneaking out of the office to funneling funds somewhere else. Seriously. "What, for example," he said "if they had used that creativity into rekindling their relationship with their wives?" Go figure.
I still don't know what format to write this in. I'll probably figure something out later. But in the meantime, writing all of this has made me reminiscent. Thank you for taking so much effort to love me. I know its not easy. But I'm grateful that you put up with my little vices and for teaching yourself to like the things I do; like Formula 1 and rock climbing. (You know McLaren is finally going to win this year, don't you?)
You still drive me nuts sometimes when you leave a used towel on the bed in the morning or when you press the toothpaste in the middle of the tube or when you say "lets wake up early tomorrow" only to get up at 10am or when you fuss about looking for the remote only to find out you were sitting on it the entire time. Funny you.
But I lie awake some nights to stare at you and I am overwhelmed with the feeling of how very blessed I am. I am one lucky schmuck.
Ps. Don't mind Jun R, he was just kidding; it was really only 4 women. I promise. Love you.
May love fill your life everyday, not only on Valentine's Day.
Thanks and God bless.
Jun Asis. C3PO
6th May 2007 Sun, 12:47
Sometimes It Takes Somebody Else Just To Realize The Real Meaning Of Happines.. Its Not About Getting What You Want … Its About Finding What Is Really Important To You..
When I Was A Kid…i Was Kinda Loner…i’d Rather Be Alone Than Join A Conversation With My Family..i Grew Up Believing That Life Is Unfair, But Whos Says Life Is Fair????? ….it Never Was.
I Secretly Hate My Father Giving So Much Attention With My Elder Sister And My Other Sisters.. Instead Of Joining Them When They ’re Having Fun…i Go To My Favorite My Place …with My Favorite Pet…”bambi” My Dog…. He Bring So Much Happines In My Life…he’s My Bestfriend…he Make Me Smile,when My Tears Wants To Flow Down My Cheeks….
Years Pass By… I Realize,how Stupid I Am For Letting Those Nonsense Thoughts Eat My Whole System And Ruin My Relationship With My Father…my Father Wasn’t The Guy I Thought Was Unfair..instead I Was The One Who’s Unfair For Not Giving Myself A Chance To Be Closed To Him Like What My Others Sisters Did…i Blame Myself For Avoiding The Presence Of My Father Everytime He’s There…so Many Years Was Wasted Because Of My Wrong Beliefs…
But Now Everything Has Been Settled…even Though Once In A Year We See Each Other…im Trying To Make Up With Him
Everytime I Go Home.
I Thought Everything’s Okay…but This Past Few Days Im Suffering With So Much Confussion….there’s A Feeling Inside Of Me That I Hate….sometimes I Ask Myself..if Im A Normal Person.
Like This Very Moment…i Felt That There Is Something Missing In My Life…i Have Been Very Vulnerable These Past Few Days…
Mind So Confuse And I Don’t Know What I Really Want…sometimes Im Happy Yes Very Happy….and Im Praying That Day Wont Let End…but Reality Bites..the Moment I Thought Im Happy…there Always Something Happen That Makes Me Feel Sick….i Know Im Being Unfair With Myself And To Those People Who Cared For Me…maybe Because In My Whole Life I Met A Person Who ‘s Not Ashamed To Show How Special I Am ….letting Myself Overwelm With His Careness …not Aware Im Beginning To Depend My Life With Him Which I Don’t Really Do….and Now That I Showing Some Careness To Others..i Felt Stupid For Being Jealous Afraid That ..im Not Special With Him Anymore….my Self Confidence I Built For How Many Years…now It Seems That Im Losing It………..im Becoming A Paronoid…very Suspicious….not Knowing That Its Only Me Who Make Myself Ill….im Just Hurting Myself In That Process..here I Am Again…letting Those Past Memories Bringing Them To Life ..and What??? Ruining My Happiness…..why Cant I Buried Those Feeling And Let Myself Free To Live Without Any Hesitations…feeling Of Uncertainty And Free To Live My Life To The Fullest.????
Yeah There Right…there’s Something Wrong With Me That I Need To Let Go…i Thought I Was Strong Enough To Face The Consequences Of Life…but I Was Wrong…
I Felt Stupid Now…im Crying But Don’t Know Exactly What Is For….but Least …even There Is No Friend Around Me Who Can I Talk To And Share What Im Feeling Right Now…just Writing My Thoughts Makes Me Feel Ok A Bit…..yes Just A Little Bit…i Need To Completely Cure My Spirit …unluckily Went To The Wrong Path…..so That I Can Shout To The Whole World Im Happy And Complete Again…
Im Praying That When I Wake Up Tomorrow…no More Pains, No More Tears And No More Pretendings….i Should Be Thankful For What I Have Now…
21st May 2007 Mon, 16:28
...How can we love people who don't seem to make things worth at all?
...Why do we become so numb caring for people whom at times don't even think of us in a day or two?
...Why do we let ourselves hurt and continue hoping for a love that makes us defenseless?
...And why do we prioritize these people who only choose us as an option?
...Are these the reasons why sometimes in love, we end up losing ourselves?....
21st May 2007 Mon, 16:39
This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...
...they try to possess it
and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will leave you. For love is meant to be free. You can not change its nature...if you love someone allow him or her to be free.
...GIVE and don't EXPECT
...ADVISE but don't ORDER
...ASK but never DEMAND
It may sound simple but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice.
18th Nov 2010 Thu, 12:17
Pabasa din kahit matagal na.,hehe