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bluedragon2790
13th Mar 2011, 08:46
Baby James nakikipag-usap sa yaya niya..

Baby James: Ya, am I Normal?

Ya2: Op kors iho u're not lyk dem. Y did u ask?
......
Baby James: I'm so confused. My Grandpa is Ninoy, my Uncle is Noynoy, my Brother is Abnoy, my Dad is Chikboy, & my Mom iba-iba ang Boy
now timpla my dede kung ayaw mong mataboy :lol:
=====
List of cartoon
characters dat r
bad influencs to
...us..

1.Dora da
explorer
(lakwacherang
negra)
2.Blue’s clues
(mhilig mgkalat)
3.Winnie d pooh
(lumalabas ng
walang panty)
4.Spongebob
(bobong tanga)
5.Kids next door
(mga gagong bata)
6.Winx
(malalanding
ilusyOnada)
7.Barney
(Baklang dinOsaur)
8.Ben 10
(madaming bata ung gus2ng mging alien)
=====
bakla 1: ngayon ko lng napansin. ang ikli pala ng shorts mo !
vice: may shorts bang mahaba ? edi hindi na yon shorts ! long na yon ! kaya nga shorts maigsi eh !
bakla 1: hindi sinasabe ko lang.
vice: ewan ko sayo !
bakla 2: ang ganda ng boot mo no ?!
vice: boot ?! boots ! boot, isa lang pala nakikita mo edi sana kanan lang sinuot ko ! upo na kayo. kakanta na ako !
bakla 1: ngayon ka kakanta ?
vice: hindi hindi ! bukas pa ! uy, punta kayo premiere night ko bukas ha !
bakla 2: bukas ba ?
vice: hindi tapos na . tapos na !!! kakasabi ko lng . tatanung nanamn !
=====
Girl: Alam mo para kang toy car.
Boy: Bakit naman?
Girl: Kasi sunud-sunuran ka lang sa akin.
(sabay tawa na pangkontrabida)

Boy: Alam mo para kang Manika.
Girl: Talaga? Manika as in Barbie Doll?
Boy: Hindi. Ikaw yung Manikang tigte-THIRTY FIVE.
(sabay tawa na pangkontrabida)
=====
BOY1:”Lolo ko 80 na tumatagay pa!”
BOY2:”Eh lolo ko 82 na, nagdidisco pa!”
BOY3:”Wala kayo sa lolo ko, 85 na sumusuot pa ng hiphop!”
Tumawag lolo ni BOY4: “Yes, ‘lo. nakita ko. Sige po, promise bukas.”
BOY1,BOY2,BOY3: “Sino yan?”
...BOY4: “Lolo ko 90. Tinatanong kung nakita ko na new pictures nya sa Friendster, MySpace at Facebook. Nagpapa comment!”

"cool" lolo
=====
vice: o walang maisip ?
bakla 1: ambilis mo !
vice: may kabayong mabagal ?
bakla 1: siya naman! (turo sa bakla 2)
vice: ikaw gusto ko !
bakla 1: siya !
vice: ikaw lang !
vice( kay bakla 2 ) : o kamusta ka ?
bakla 2: okay lang naman.
vice (kay bakla 1) : oh ! ikaw ulit !!!
=====
‎"ANAK KA NG INA MO"
vice: oh anak ?
kiray: anu ba ! di kita nanay !
vice: tignan mo oh. may dala akong pagkain
kiray: (tinapon)
...vice: bkit mo tinapon ?! sinabe ko lang naman na may dala ako eh.. binebenta ko yan. eto ang syo ( binigay)
kiray : (tinpun ulit )
vice: bat mo tinpun. ayaw mo ng pagkain sige para lumamig ulo mo. mango shake.
kiray: its no mango its m-a-a-a-ango
vice: ahh. ba-a-a-anana, (my iba pang sinabe. basta long "a" ) ang cha-a-a-aka mo !
(may dalang mangga) (binigay kay kiray)
kiray: pano naging mango shake to ? eh mangga lng to?
vice: edi ishake mo ! ( shinake ung mangga ) (tapos nilagyan ng straw)
bakit pag kay gorgina (sry kung mali spelling) gusto mo pero sakin ayaw mo?
kiray: kasi mapangit kang ina !
vice : bakit ?! angal ka?! mapangit ka rin namang anak ah ?! (like mother like daughter)
kiray: muka kang palay ! (meron pang sinabeng isa si kiray nalimut ko na)
vice: muka kang anay !
kiray: muka kng daga !
vice: muka mo maga ! :lol:
=====
bakla 1: alam mo kaibigan mo yan kailangan mo magsabe ng totoo sa kanya (kay bakla 2)
vice: (kay bakla 1)kaya nga nagsasabi ako ng totoo sa kanya kasi kaibigan ko sya. (kay bakla 2) dahil naniniwala ako na bilang kaibigan mo obligasyon kong sabihin sayo ang ktotohanan dahil ang katotohanan ang siyang magpapalaya sa iyo. pangit ka ! malaya ka na !
bakla 2: pinalaya mo naman ako sinaktan mo naman ako!
vice: aba ! atlis malaya ka ! :lol:
=====
bakla: ang haba ng legs mo ngayon.
vice: bakit maikle ba kahapon ?! syempre may kabayong maigsi ? edi sana pagong nalang ako ngayon di na kabyo.
bakla: andami mong sagot.
vice: andami mong tanung.
bakla: (tahimik wala kasing misip)
vice: ano?! wlang maisip walang maisip?
bakla: sandali lang !
vice: hindi. gusto ko ngayon na.
bakla: dahan dahan lang !
vice: bakit may kabayong mabagal ?!
bakla: siya naman ! (turo sa katabi ni vice na kasama nya )
vice: hindi ikaw gusto ko !
=====
Wife: Maghihiwalay na tayo!

Man: Ok, Akin ang Bahay!

Wife: Akin ang Farm.

Man: Akin ang Kotse!

Wife: Ah, pero akin ang Driver!

Man: Pwes, Magkakamatayan tayo, matagal na siyang akin!!!

fberyljean
13th Mar 2011, 11:49
Jajaja..Nyc..:rofl:

cyrrah
13th Mar 2011, 13:56
aliw..

bluedragon2790
13th Mar 2011, 17:09
post naman kau ng jokes :D

bluedragon2790
13th Mar 2011, 17:20
Adik c ts sa thanks.. Jejeje

wagaca85
17th Mar 2011, 10:25
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.


Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Ah Deer? Me no fuck, they run too fast!

----------------


A nerd ask his hot n' sexy clssmate 2 hav sex w/ him..
NERD: sex tayo! bbyaran kta 1 thou, bblisan ko,
ttpon ko ung 1 thou sa sahig.
2wad k hbang pnupulot mo,
pgtayo mo tpos nko i-sex k,
SEXY: twgan ko muna bf ko kung pyag cya.
tnwagan nya..
BF: cge pyag aq, bilisan mo lng pg2wad pra wlang
mngyari.
aftr 10mins bf calls..
BF: nkuha mo na pera?
SEXY: aahhh..Ndi pa e! ah! ah!
BF; e bkt?
SEXY: tig pipis0 e!

----------------

JOKE OF D DAY

Lola: alam mo honey kpag ktabi
kta at ng aalmusal tau, ng-iinit prin ako

LOLO: paanong d ka mg iiinit
eh nkalaylay yang DEDE mo s kape!

--------------

A phlosophy teacher chalengng a studnt of his faith n God...
Teacher: 2 see s 2 beliv, hve u seen God?
Student: no sir i havnt
Teacher: den der is no God!
Student: Sir may i ask a question? Hav u seen ur brain?
Teahcer: no
Student: uwi na taU wla palang utak c Sir!

-------------

a naked girl rode a
taxi,d girl askd d
drver,"bkit k nktitig?ngyon k lng
b nkkita ng bbaeng
nkhubad?
DRIVER: d mis! iniisip ko
kung san nkatago
pmsahe mo?!?;-)

-------------

Sharon
gtas
nya
alska,
softdrnks
nya
coca-cola
ice cream
nya
slecta
ulam
nya
cen2ry tuna
snck nya
mcdo
kya
ktwan nya
Superferry...skay na?!!!

----------------

Mommy1: Ano ang pinapainum mo sa baby mo?
Mommy2: "promil" para sa matatag na pangarap...eh ikaw?
Mommy1: "emperador" para sa totoong tagumpay!

---------------

KONSEHAL: Paki acknowledge si Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan lang!
PEDRO (Emcee): I WUD LYK TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR HU JUST PASSED AWAY.

--------------------

Pedro: may ka-eyebol aq mamya.. anu kya itsura nia?
kc sbi nya kamkha dw cia celebrity.. "SH" amg cmula
ng name...
Juan: jackpot ka, Pedro! Bka SHeri or SHaina!
(matapos ang eyebol, uwi c Pedro)
Juan: kmusta eyebol mo? Bakit ka mlungkot?
Pedro: "SHrek" ampota!

--------------


dr r 2 facts after lyf
eider ul go 2 heaven or hel
f u go 2heaven ders nthin 2wori but
f u go 2 hel ul b so damn bc shakin handz wd frndz.
"0i reunion!",)

--------


F u have prblm
yaw gyud pkmatay.
jz tink of ds..

Lungon-25,000
haya-3,500
Lubong-5,000
kape & bskwet -1,700

dats y f u hav probz, txt me.

REDHORSE-45.00 rah!..hehehe..oh!

t700_825
17th Mar 2011, 12:04
Padaan lang

Joke #381

The Painter
There was one Pinoy who came to America and looked at the classified ads for painting jobs. He came across the "Help Wanted" section that read - "Wanted: Painter of Porch", and thought that was perfect for his capabilities. And so he went to the American who posted the ad. American: I need my porch painted in a day. You need to scrape all the paint up to the bare surface, and apply a coat of primer then two final coats of orange paint. Can you do that?
Pinoy: Oh yes, sir.. yes, sir! I can remoob the paint then apply orange paint beri well!
American: Ok! You got the job. Just get everything you need from the trunk of the car. After 3 hours... Pinoy: Sir, work is pinis oreydi!
American: Wow! I'm amazed you did it in 3 hours. Did you scrape all the old paint to the bare surface?
Pinoy: Oh yes, sir! Yes, sir! I tanggalated all the old paint!
American: Well then, here's your $20 bonus!
Pinoy: Golly, sir! Tenk yu beri much. But sir, you don't heb a porch.. your car is a BMW...!

Ooouuuuch!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke #382

My mag syota na d nagkita ng 1 month...

Then 1 day nagkita sila, at ang unang tanong ng girl sa boy...

"MAHAL MO PA BA AKO?"

Di nakasagot ang boy pero ang ginawa nya ay...


kinuha ang kamay ng girl sabay itinapat sa kanyang dibdib...

at dun napaiyak ang girl kasi....

may boobs na pala ang gaga!!

hahaha...^_^

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Joke #383

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

Next very early morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are fantastic and terribly very delicious which I have never tasted in my life, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor."

"Sometimes the bull wins!"

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Joke #384

INTERESTING ARITHMETIC:

MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC:
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = profit
Smart Boss + dumb Employee = production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH:
A man will pay P200 for a P100 item he needs.
A woman will pay P100 for a P200 item she doesn't need.

GENERAL QUOTATIONS AND STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of the new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling telling me, "You're next". They stop after I started doing the same thing to them at the funerals.

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Joke #385

Pari't Madre

Thanks to Marcela Espiritu from Hongkong

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.

Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.

Pari: Ok, antay ako.

Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!

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Joke #386

Promotion

Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko, ha?

Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote!

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Joke #387


LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.

APO: Lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.

APO: Lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

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Joke #388

Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

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Joke #389

Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC -- Alak, Babae at Cigarette.

Babalu: Ako naman DEF -- Damo, Egg at Frutas.

Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.

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Joke #390

01) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan

02) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol

03) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok

04) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis

05) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya

06) Devastation - sakayan ng bus

07) Pr otestant - Tindahan ng prutas

08] Statue - Ikaw ba yan?

09) Tissue - Ikaw nga!

10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa

11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa

12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo

13) Deduct - Ang pato

14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)

15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)

16) Deposit ? Ang Gripo
(Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)

17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6

18] Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna

19) Persuading - Unang Kasal

20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING

22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata
sa PERSUADING

23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod

24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)

25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit,
eh DELUSION)

26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch,
eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian

27) Profit - Patunayan mo

28] Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a
balance diet

29) Backlog - b acon saka egg

30) Beehive - magpakatino ka

31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto

32) Debug - ang ipis

33) Defrag - ang palaka

34) Defense - ang bakod

35) Defer - ang balahibo

36) Deflate - ang plato

37) Detest - ang eksamin

38] Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V

39) Devote - ang boto

40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!

41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane

42) Forums - apat na kwarto

43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?

44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F

45) Thesis - ito ay...

Wala na 'ko masabi kundi... galing talaga!



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

bluedragon2790
17th Mar 2011, 19:33
wahaha.. nkakatawa mga jokes ni ts...

DeathStar88
19th Mar 2011, 14:07
ang galing,hahaha:clap: :clap:

rdanong
20th Mar 2011, 11:50
hahaha! :)

bluedragon2790
20th Mar 2011, 12:23
d ako mkapgpost ng jokes!cp mode kc ako!tntamad kc ako mgol!haha,

rdanong
20th Mar 2011, 19:04
more pa TS!

naruto251437
20th Mar 2011, 22:21
ahahha .. nice nice. ... more pa ts ..:_ :rofl:

t700_825
22nd Mar 2011, 08:15
Joke #391

Amo: Inday, ilipat mo nga ang comforter sa kwarto

Inday: san ko ilagay kuya?

Amo: Ipatong mo lang sa kama

Maya-maya...

Inday: andun na po. Sinama ko na rin ang frenter at iskaner...!!!

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Joke #392

Girl: Maganda ba ako?

Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka

Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang bumbay ah? Tisay yata ito!

Boy: Oo nga, pero yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

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Joke #393

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again said, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'
Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means...

'Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday'!!!

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Joke #394

Isang umaga habang tahimik na nagaagahan c Pedro na ang ulam ay tuyo.

Sarap na sarap na sinasawsaw sa suka ni Pedro ang tuyo ng biglang may kumagat sa gitna ng kanyang singit.

Kinapa at hinuli ni Pedro ang kumagat sa kanya at galit na galit na tiniris at ang sabi:

"HAYOP KANG LANGGAM KA AKO NAGTITIIS SA TUYO SAMANTALANG IKAW PAITLOG ITLOG PA!!"

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Joke #395

JUAN: Pedro, alam mo ba kung ano ang pinaka lumang kanta???


PEDRO: hmmmmmmmm????(nag iisip)...
My Way???


JUAN: Mali....hahahah

PEDRO: kung ganun...ano???

JUAN: (Kumanta)....(hummmmmmmmmmmm....hummmmmmmmm)


PEDRO: ano yan???

JUAN: Yan ang pinaka lumang kanta...
Sa sobrang luma na wala na ang lyrics...

...hahahahahahaha!

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Joke #396

How does a Filipino use the words "penis" and "deposit" in the same sentence?

"Aaaahhh apter I penis wassing my hands I turn op de-posit!"

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Joke #397

How does a Filipino use the word "hostess" in a sentence?!

When I answer de pone I say, "Hello? Hostess?"

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Joke #398

There were two men. One named john(J) and the other is called matthew(M).

ONE DAY:

(J): hey matthew do you want an ice cream? i'll treat u if you want.

(M):sure...but..if u did not forget...what's my favorite flavor?

(J): vanilla.

(M): nice!! ur not so forgetful afterall!

(J):ok.ima gonna go buy some.

After a few minutes..John came back.

(J): im back! and here's ur hotdog!.

(M):I knew it! ur Forgetful!! haha!

(J):WHY!??

(M):There's no ketchup.:lmao:

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Joke #399

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:

‘Hi, how are you?’

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

‘Doin’ just fine!’

And the other person says:

‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!’

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them

‘No..I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the person say nervously…

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.’

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Joke #400

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a P1,000 bill to his test with a note saying “10 pesos per final grade point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and a P300 change.



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
22nd Mar 2011, 19:34
I'M BACK IN UPDATING..HEHE...



Joke #401

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean.”

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands.”

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Joke #402

Late one night, Jack took a short cut through a graveyard.

Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but kept going. As the tapping grew louder, he became more frightened.

Finally, he found a man chiseling a gravestone.

"Thank goodness", Jack said to the man with relief. "You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing?"

"They spelled my name wrong", replied the man.

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Joke #403

Boy Abunda: Kung ihahalintulad mo ang iyong sarili sa isang kasangkapan sa bahay, ano ka?

Mahal: Kachi chimple lang ako ticho boy…Chiguro chupa, mahilig chalaga ako cha chupa…ancharap kachi minchan machulog cha chupa…

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Joke #404

Juan to Poso Negro Services on the phone:

Juan: Hello, Good Morning manong, humihigop po ba kayo ng poso negro?

PNS: Yes sir, bakit po?

Juan: Masarap?

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Joke #405

Sabi nila, Love make your heart beat fast…
Your Body feel flushed with excitement, and your mind go around in circles…
Love kaya yon?!
O gutom lang?!! :lmao:

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Joke #406

During the cremation: All the relatives stood in silence. Everybody was silent till a child suddenly asked out of curiousity…’Ma, hindi pa ba luto?’

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Joke #407

Did you know that:
- Cockroaches have fingers and nails?
-rats are visual learners?
-ball pens in the earlier times are used as needles in making umbrellas?
-the saliva of an ostrich is used in making cheese?
Galing no?
lahat yan, imbento ko lang hahaha

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Joke #408

Limit your sex life. Do it only on days that start with letter ‘T’

Tuesday,

Thursday,

Today,

Tonite,

Tomorrow,

Tatorday,

Tanday,

Taumaga,

Tatanghali,

tagabi,

tahapon

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Joke #409

APO: La punta ka ba sa tipar?
LOLA: Ano ang tipar apo?
APO: TIPAR is party!
LOLA: SOS!! walang kwentang salita PS kayong lahat..!!
APO: Ano yung PS lola?
LOLA: PAKING SHIT!!

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Joke #410

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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Joke #411

The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?

“The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree??”

Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

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Joke #412

DAD: anak bading ka ba?

SON: aba dad alam nyo ba na takot sa akin ang mga classmates ko? Respetado ako sa school.

DAD: talaga anak?

SON: Oo dad! tawag nga nila sa akin… MAHAL NA REYNA!

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Joke #413

An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: “Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?”








Contestant: “Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?”

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Joke #414


In Wowowee, the question was: “Kung ang ‘sigaw’ ay ‘shout’ sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang ‘whisper’?”







The contestant answered: “Napkin!”

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Joke #415

Sa tuwing may tampuhan, madalas sabihin, ‘Sorry di ko sinasadya’….’Sensya na di na mauulit’…’Galit ka pa ba?’… di ba mas masarap pakinggan kung sasabihig ‘Eto P1000.00 bati na tayo ha?’


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

bluedragon2790
22nd Mar 2011, 21:44
Niceone ts!more pa ts! Hahahaha! Sakt na ng tyan ko!kakatawa!

t700_825
23rd Mar 2011, 19:24
Joke # 416

A girl asked a priest, "What is devil, hell and heaven?"

The priest explains, "Between my two legs is the devil. Between your two legs is hell. Lock the devil into hell and you see heaven!"

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Joke # 417

only in pinsao
do you know the name of mcgayver?
in a place in pinsao where two boys were arguing about the real name of mcgayver!!!

sammy : do you know the name of mcgayver?

sammy jr: richard dean!

sammy: nope.. that's his real name man

sammy jr: ok what then

sammy: menemis is his name

sammy jr: ha! how is that so..!!!

sammy: when u watch the series or the movie they always ask mcgayver when they meet him who are you or what your name right? sammy jr: yes, sammy: thats when he says his name....... menemis mcgayver.... got it? sammy jr: hahaha yup
*mynameis mcgayver*

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Joke # 418

Newest Fraternities
STI: Samahan ng mga Taong Istambay

FDA: Fake Darna Association

PMA: Pahinga Muna Association

BANDANA: Batang Anghel Nalulun sa Droga Naging Adik

KKK: Kilusan ng mga Kabataang Kawatan

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Joke # 419

pano mo malalaman kung puno na ang eroplano? ano ?????












eh di pag may nakasabit:lmao:


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Joke # 420

An old lady walks along a street, carrying a big bag in one hand, and a small bag in another hand. In every step she makes, a 5-dollar bill falls down from the bigger bag. A policeman approaches:

“There’s money dropping out from your bag, madam.”

“Thank you, son,” says the old woman, “I’ll just go back and pick it up.”

“Well, but where is the money from?” investigates the officer. “I mean, you didn’t steal it or anything?”

“Oh, you know, son, I live right next to the football stadium. And when some fella comes to pee in the bushes by my door, I will already be there, waiting with a sharp knife and yell: “What do you think, defiling my garden like that, you son of a bitch! Give me 5 dollars or I’ll cut it off!”

“What a brilliant way to do business…” the policeman muses. “By the way – what’s in the smaller bag?”

“Well son, not everybody is willing to pay…”

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Joke # 421

Saw a woman with big boobs wearing a sweat shirt with "GUESS" on her chest.

So I said, "Implants". She slapped me!!

Kainis yun! Papa-guess siya, tapos pag mali, mananampal!!

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Joke # 422

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework.”

” And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes, ” he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny’s teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in class?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

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Joke # 423

sadya bang
ang higpit
ng ating
MUNDO?




Sadya bang
kay lupit
ng ating
BUHAY?!





SADYA......................













LIBEE!!! Bida ang Sarap!!


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Joke # 424

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she screams.

One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, “Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!”

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Joke # 425

buboy: pare alam mo nag-away kami ng gerlpren ko, nag-historical siya

george: pare baka ibig mong sabihin eh hysterical?

buboy: hinde, historical kasi inungkat niya lahat ng kasalanan ko

(ayun naman pala eh…):lol: :lol:

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Joke # 426

If you see ur bf/gf

flirtin with sum1..

lapitan muh xa

hilain at pagpagin

ang damit & say..

– baby q, ano kb naman? malaki kana nagllaro ka parin ng basura..

- i told you.. it’s dirty !..

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Joke # 427

He: C’mon. Don’t be shy.. I know you want to ask me out.

She: Okay. Go out
:lol: :rofl:

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Joke # 428

paano kung….

pumunta ang crush mo nanginginig sa pawis at bigla kang yinakap sabi….




patae pls…….

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Joke # 429

Magkasintahan nag-uusap habang nakasakay silasa isang tren na naglilibot sa ibat-biang states ng amerika.

LALAKE: “Kung alam ko lang napakahaba noong tunnel na dinaanan nati kanina, eh di snana hinalikan kita.”

BABAE (nagtataka): “Ibig mong sabihin hindi ikaw yung kahalikan ko kanina?”

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Joke # 430


Nagu-usap si GMA at Bush sa Oval Office:
Bush: How is your country?
GMA : It's Wonderful!!
Bush: But there are people whp do not eat anymore.I wonder how they survive.
GMA : You See! Even you wonders! IT'S WONDERFUL!!!


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Joke # 431

GF: niloloko mo ako!

BF: bakit?

GF: nakita kita sa SM, may kasamang iba!

BF: tumigil ka! di kita niloloko. ung kasama ko sa SM ang niloloko ko!

GF: ah akala ko ako. sori. loveyou!





PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
24th Mar 2011, 09:23
Joke # 432

Boy: buti pa ang prutas,gulay at karne.
Girl: hahaha! alam ko na yan. lahat yan nag mahalan na tayo na lang ang hindi pa.
Boy: hindi! lahat yun natikman ko na. ikaw na lang ang hindi pa!

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Joke # 433

Aanhin pa ang damo







kung sayo pa lang may tama na ako!

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Joke # 434

May isang bagong guwapong preso. Pinasok sa bilibid. Takot na takot dahil maputi at cya ay makinis. Nilapitan cya ng Mayor.

Mayor: Bata Bago k ano?

Preso: Opo

Mayor: Kinis mo ah, mabango ka pa!!!!

Preso: (Natatakot) di kumibo.

Mayor: Gusto mo laro tayo bahay bahayan

Preso: Ok lang po (nanginginig sa takot)

Mayor: Sige, Mamili ka Nanay o Tatay?

Nabuhayan ng loob ang Preso. Sa pag aakalang maiisahan siya ng mayor. Pasigaw pa siya sumagot.

Preso: he he he Siyempre e di Tatay na lang po ako.

Mayor: O sige, Halika na. KAININ MO NA ANG MALAKING ARI NI NANAY. HAHAHAHAHA

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Joke # 435

Juan: Mga pare koy!! sa tagal ng mga pagsasama natin mula elementary at higschool tayo parin magkakasama noh?

Nene: Oo nga eh!

Pedro: Oo nga pala mga pare! anung kukunin nyo sa college?

Nene: ako Nursing!!! ikaw pedro?

Pedro: Engineering!!! eh ikaw Juan??

Juan: FAMILY FIRST!!!!! PARA MAY INSPIRATION!!!!!

Pedro/Nene: Ngeeekk?!!

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Joke # 436

Maria:tay ni rape ako ng kumpare ninyo kagabi

tatay:ano?anak imposimbleng mangyari un kasi mabait si kumpare hindi niya gagawin un,

Maria: pero tay ginawa po niya ni rape po niya ako kagabi

tatay:anak imposibleng gawin ni kumpare yun,hinid niya magagawa un kasi mag kakatabi tau matulog kagabi katabi ko ang nanay mo tapos si kumpare at ikaw, kung nirape ka ni kumpare dapat narinig ko na sumigaw ka para mapigilan ko si kumpare,wala naman akong narinig na ingay kagabi,kung ni rape ka ni kumpare bakit hindi ka sumigaw?

Maria: eh kasi tay na pakagat labi po ako kaya hindi ako naka sigaw

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Joke # 437

Night Swimming

Julie just arrived from Spain, and one day she wants to go swimming with her cousins. she asked her mom, Nay mag nanayt swimming po kami

and then her mother replied in a worried tone,

"naku anak ipag pabukas nyo na kasi gabi na!" :lol:

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Joke # 438

Ang squidballs ba ay bayag ng pusit?













Ang squidballs ay hindi bayag ng pusit ngunit bayag ni Tiya Pusit.

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Joke # 439

a prince was cursed by an old lady.

the prince could speak only 1 word in a year. but he can shut up for years to save the words if he wants to say more in future years.

one day he saw a beautiful princess that captured his heart. he waited 10 years to say "Princess, i love you and i want to marry you!"




the princess said "PARDON..?"

then the prince stabbed the princess to death

-the end-

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Joke # 440

Wife: Hon, sino si Trixie?

Husband: Ah, kabayo yun. Yung pinustahan ko sa karera.

Wife: Ah, Ganon?, Sige Animal ka!! Sagutin mo yung telepono 2mawag yung kabayo mo...

Hehehe Buking....




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

22512251
24th Mar 2011, 09:46
hehe pa Bookmark!! :D

t700_825
24th Mar 2011, 10:18
hehe pa Bookmark!! :D

Sure sir,.hehe,.kaw talaga

DeathStar88
24th Mar 2011, 14:07
Wow,.my mga bago nnman, thnks

t700_825
24th Mar 2011, 14:58
Wow,.my mga bago nnman, thnks

Salamat,.post rin kayo ng mga jokes niyo kung meron

t700_825
25th Mar 2011, 08:18
Joke #441

llke 1:pre psthan tau, bading yang nsa kblng kalye

llke 2: pno mu nsbi yn? eh ang pogi nyan at ang laki pa ng ktawan..

llke1:bsta.. pustahan tayo

llke2: o cge..pro sa isang kondisyon, wag mu siyang tanungin kng bading ba xa o hindi..

llke 1: o cge'....

ng isip ng paraan si llke1... nlapitan nya ang tao sa kbilang kalye..

llke 1: oi! pogi,, pde tau mgdate?

tao: hoiy! gaga di tyo talo!

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Joke #442

"Gee, now I can overtly see the inevitable effect of global warming.

The heat is so intense that ice floes in the arctic are melting and it caused dispersion of fauna there, including this polar bears and these penguins.

We must really take action!"




- Inday, nung makita ang isang matabang pari at sinusundan ng mahabang pila ng mga madre.

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Joke #443

Can anybody think of word in English that is same meaning in Tagalog and English put together?




CLEANLINESS

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Joke #444

kahit ihampas ang ulo ko sa pader ok lang dahil mahal ko

kahit ihampas ang ulo ko ng tubo ok lang dhil mahal ko

kahit tangalan ako ng kuko ng mrs ko ok lang




basta wag nya lang akong tulian sakit nun wahhhhh


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Joke #445

Prove that (Sinx)/n = 6???

solution:

cancel both n's so Six = 6

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Joke #446

"You cannot taste me..
Unless you take of my dress"









-banana


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Joke #447

MI ULTIMO UBO

Adios, patria adorada, polluted na ang karsada
Perla del mar de trapiko, nuestro perdido tambutso
A darte voy a brownout, para ka na ring na-knock out
A fuera mas mainit, taong bayan nagngingitngit
Tambien por ti la diera, para tayong nasa giyera.

En campos de basura, singhutando con delirio
Otros te dan sus microbio, sin duda, con ubo
Emergency power nada importa, Ramos de Venecia o Angara
Napocor o Meralco cerrado, generator o cruel martirio
Lo mismos es so expensive, por la pitaka de Pandoy.

Yo muero cuando veo, patay na raw and kabayo
Y al fin anuncia el dia, matrapik daw sa Buendia
Si grana necesitas, para close down las fabricas
Vierte la sangre mia, kawawa ang maralita
Y dorela un reflejo, de apat na kandila.


Mis suenos cuando apenas, mga trapo nakakabanas
Mis suenos cuando joven, pen pen de sarapen
Fueron el verte un dia, naka=air con ang mga buwaya
Secos los negros ojos, sa epifanio de los Santos
Sin ceno sin arrugas, pulitikong mandurugas.

Ensueno de mi vida, hithit-buga, hithit-buga
Salud! te grita el alma, alingasaw ng industria
Salud! ah, que es hermosa, di na sila tumatawa
Morir por darte vida, puro grasa na ang mga mata
En tu pollutada tierra, sumalangit nawa sila.

Si sobre mi sepulcro, polusyon nakakabobo
Entre la espesa yerba, masamang hangin nakakabrenda
Acercala a tus labios, huwag mo akong mayapus-yapos
Y sienta yo en mi frente, tulala na si tinyente
De tu ternura el soplo, lahat tayo inuubo.

Deja a la luna verme, wala na namang kuryente
Deja que et alba envie, su resplandor ungas
Deja gamir al viento, manood ka na lang ng sine
Y si desciende y pose, nang hindi ka maturete
Deja que el ave entone, la paz, la paz de funebre.

Deja que el sol ardiendo, ang hanging nakakahilo
Y al cielo tornen puras, diesel po ba o leaded gas
Deja qe un ser amigo, da polluter es muy tonto
Y en las serenas tardes, Pilipinas walang kapares
Ora tambien, oh Patria, hindi ka na humihinga.

Ora por todos cuantos, ang Napocor sobrang bastos
Por cuantos padacieron, ang bulaklak naging chicharon
Por nuestras pobres madres, dugo na ang ating pawis
Por huerfanos y viudas, na hindi na makatakas
Y ora por ti que veaaas, sa puno daw ng bayabas.

Y cuando en noche oscura, sabi ng Hapon, Kura! Kura!
Y solos solo muertos, second-hand engine nang makamenos
No turbes su reposo, hinihika ang esposo
Tal vez acordes oigas, ayaw nyo ba ng bio-gas?
Soy yo, querida Patria, papanaw na, papanaw na.

Y cuando ya mi tumba, sa polusyon ako'y matutumba
No tenga cruz, pasang cruz, kawawang mga musmos
Deja que la are el hombre, mga macho naghahare
Y mis cenizas antes, poisoned air, masama sa buntes
El polbo de tu alfombra, alikabok pala.

Entonces nada importa, gusto nyo ba ng torta?
Tu atmosfera, walang pera, walang ilaw, walang agua
Vibrante y limpia nota, dedbol na ang limpia bota
Aroma, luz, colores, hinihika si Dolores
Constante repitiendo, la esencia de mi ubo.

Mi patria pollutada, laging mali ang kamada
Querida Filipinas, gusto ko ng pong lumayas
Ahi, te dejo todo, bakit ayaw nyong matuto
Voy donde no hay esclavos, di na kayo puedeng matubos
Donde la fe no mata, matapobre minamata.

Adios erpats, mga utol, troso ng mga logger
At ikaw na law enforcer, arestuhin mga smoke-belcher
Dad gracias que descanso, People Power, People Power!
Adios, EDSA, Bayang Sawi, how dirty the Pasig River
Adios, Baha, Adios Lahar...morir es respirar.
(Ubo! Ubo!)





:lol: :lmao: :rofl:




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
25th Mar 2011, 17:25
Joke # 448

TIPID
Amo: Inday,bakit ba ang tagal mo!?
Inday: Eh sir,nakatipid po ako ng 5 pesos. Di po kasi ako sumakay,sinabayan ko lang ang jeepney sa pagtakbo.
Amo: TANGA!!!! Kung TAXI pa sana sinabayan mo eh mas malaki sana natipid moh!!!!!

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Joke # 449

Nakaskay ka sa FX nang ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lng malakas ang tugtog.

Bawat pag-utot sabay sa tugtog.

Nung bababa ka na, ang sasama ng tingin nila sayo, bigla mong naalala...........................








naka WALKMAN ka pala!!!


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Joke # 450

Love is a hidden fire,

a pleasant sore,

a soothing pain,

an agreeable torment,

a sweet wound,

in short - a gentle death!



Ang lalim! Grabe...! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!

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Joke # 451

Patient: Doc, bakit ho kaya naninilaw ang "organ" ko?
Doctor, matapos suriin ang pasyente: Ah wala yan, sabihan mo lang ang misis mo na tigilan ang kakakain ng Cheez Curls bago kayo mag-sex!!!

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Joke # 452

Nsa mall c Melanie Marquez nang may nkslubong na 2 babae.

2 Babae: Hey bitch!

Melanie: (galit) dont u ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever call me

"HEY"!

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Joke # 453

A.) You have two choices in life. You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.

B.) Marriage is the triump of imagination over intelligence.

C.) At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The lady answered: Yes, I am. I married the wrong man!

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Joke # 454

Gov't. Worker

Dalawang emplyedo ng Gobyerno ang maagang pumasok sa trabaho. Si Mario ang tiga hukay ng lupa sa lalim na 3 feet. Sa likuran niya, ibinabalik uli ni Kulas ang nahukay na lupa. Ganito ang ginagawa nila pero napansin sila ng Inspektor.

Inspektor: Ano bang kalukuhan ang ginagawa niyo? Sayang lang ang oras at pera ng Bayan.

Kulas: Sorry po Boss. Noon, tatlo kaming nagtratrabaho dito pero may sakit si Pedro kaya't hindi pweding pumasok. Sa trabaho namin, si Mario ang tiga hukay ng lupa, si Pedro ang tiga tanim ng Acacia tree. Ako naman , ibinabalik ko ang lupa sa butas. Dahil nga po sa may sakit si Pedro, kaya walang halaman doon sa butas.

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Joke # 455

Rocky:"pare,rapper na daw anak ko sa amerika..."

Victor:"di ang yaman na nya ngayon gaya ni Em-n-M,P.Diddy at 50 cents?milyonaryo na cila.."

Rocky:"hindi pare,$10/hour lang sweldo nya sa cafeteria nagra-wrap ng sandwich para sa mga customer...

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Joke # 456

College boy nang asar sa high school girl na sexy...

Wow! pre! high school pa pero ang dede college na!

Girl: ikaw! college na pero ang titi GRADE 1 PA!!!!!!!

:lol:

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Joke # 457

judge:what if your boy friend have aids..?

contestant:i wiLL stiLL Love him.
(everybody cLaps)

judge:why..?

contestant:because aids dosent matter

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Joke # 458

If your world is spinning ROUND and ROUND… your HEART is beating FAST…

Do you think it’s LOVE?

NO! Huwag kang mag-ilusyon!

It’s called… High Blood Pressure.

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Joke # 459

Teacher:Vinson May Tanong Ka Ba?

Vinson: Wala

Teacher:Pwede Bang Habaan Mo Ang Iyon Sagot

Vinson:Walaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Joke # 460

GF: san tau?

BF: s dark place.

GF: ha?

BF: trust me.

GF: ok!

Pagdating dun...,

GF: bkit k naghuhubad?

BF: wag kang maingay...,

GF: maghuhubad dn b ako?

BF: bkit? Tatae ka rin ba?



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

bluedragon2790
25th Mar 2011, 19:41
padaan lng ako sa thread mu tol...

t700_825
25th Mar 2011, 20:06
padaan lng ako sa thread mu tol...

Ok lang sir,.basta ikaw,.hehe:thumbsup:

bluedragon2790
25th Mar 2011, 21:58
papost ako tol...


Sa olympics may bagong contest...

Ang mag-lalaban ay America, Japan, Russia, at si Bentot ng Philippines.

Ang contest ay kung sino ang maka-kaka-pag-iyak sa elepante.

Na-una ang Amerikano, tinad-yakan ang elepante pero, hinde ito umiyak.

Sumunod ang Hapon, kinarate chop nya pero walang iyak, pa rin!!...

Next na ang Russian, sinakal nya pero walang palag at di umiyak...

Talagang matigas ang Elepanteng ito!!!

Pinag-tatawanan ni Bentot ang kayang mga kalaban....heeheehe ee!!!

Lumakad si Bentot at pumunta siya sa likod nang elepante at pinitek niya ang bayag nang elepante at napa-iyak sa sakit ang elepante,

Panalo ang Philippines!!!!.

t700_825
26th Mar 2011, 08:16
papost ako tol...


Sa olympics may bagong contest...

Ang mag-lalaban ay America, Japan, Russia, at si Bentot ng Philippines.

Ang contest ay kung sino ang maka-kaka-pag-iyak sa elepante.

Na-una ang Amerikano, tinad-yakan ang elepante pero, hinde ito umiyak.

Sumunod ang Hapon, kinarate chop nya pero walang iyak, pa rin!!...

Next na ang Russian, sinakal nya pero walang palag at di umiyak...

Talagang matigas ang Elepanteng ito!!!

Pinag-tatawanan ni Bentot ang kayang mga kalaban....heeheehe ee!!!

Lumakad si Bentot at pumunta siya sa likod nang elepante at pinitek niya ang bayag nang elepante at napa-iyak sa sakit ang elepante,

Panalo ang Philippines!!!!.

Sure Boss,.hehe

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Joke # 461

Man1: Hey, how long is a million years to you??

Man2: a second..

Man1: how much is 1 million dollar to you?

Man2: a Cent..

Man1: can i borrow a cent??


Man2: ok, wait a second'...

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Joke # 462

Juan : Ano pinakamalakas na bagyo??
Pedro : hmmmm.... ano??
Juan : Edi TUKSO!!
Pedro : Bakit??
Juan :(Kinanta ni Juan)Marami nang winasak na tahanan!!

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Joke # 463

Fidel: Bakit lahat ng pangalan ng anak mo ay BOYET? Paano kung isa lang ang tatawagin mo? Paano sila susunod?

Katrina: Simple lang. Tatawagin ko sila sa apelyido ng kanilang tatay.

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Joke # 464

Eloisa: Hay naku! May pagkatanga ka talaga! Hindi mo ba napansin? Hinahanapan ka ng butas ng boyfriend mo!

Bernadette: Hindi totoo ‘yan!

Eloisa: At bakit, aber?

Bernadette: Alam niya ang butas ko kahit madilim, ‘no?!

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Joke # 465

amerikano:nakagawa ako ng isang barko

chinese:ikiskis ko lng yan sa puwet ko!!
chinese:nakagawa ako ng eroplano

japanese:ikiskis ko lng yan sa puwet ko!!
japanese:nakagawa ako ng robot

amerikano:ikaw pilipino anung na
imvento mo??

pilipino:simple lng kudkoran nang nyog
pilipino:sige nga ikiskis nyo puwet nyo sa
naimvento ko kung di yan
magkasugat sugat!!!!!!!!=)

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Joke # 466

Bading #1: Sister, kumusta ‘yung bagets na kasama mo?

Bading #2: Ay, naku, tita, okey siya. Maganda ang ano niya na kumbaga eh Ibong Adarna. Hi! Hi! Hi! Gusto mo?

Bading #1: Ayoko! Baka pag may lumabas eh maging bato ako.

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Joke # 467

Sakay ng eroplano ang Kapitan at mga baguhang paratroopers -

KAPITAN - O Pedro lundag na.

PEDRO - Kapitan p`wede po bang magtanong bago ako lumundag ?

KAPITAN - Bakeeet ?

PEDRO - Paano po kung hindi bumuka itong parachute ko?

KAPITAN - `Wag kang mag-alala bata, me usapan na kami ng Supplier. Kapag hindi bumuka...papalitan !

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Joke # 468

IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"

BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."

IDOT: "Africa?"

BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."

IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"

BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."

IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"

BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"

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Joke # 469

i wish
smday..


We'll grow
old 2gdr
as
frnds..

we'll brng our
apo
along,
deyl
hold our
hands
n say:

"o, dahan dahan po..

..baka mabasag yang
REDHorse mo"..

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Joke # 470

Customer: Waiter bgyn mo nga ako ng custard mocca apple chocolate peanut butter with choco syrup banana cake.

Waiter: Ano po ulit yun?

Customer: Ahhh.. cupcake na lang at tubig..

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Joke # 471

What is sex in Espanol?








Vamos tumba la cama entrada mi picoy tu fuerta con atras abante no pwersa pero sige rapido birada cargada cemilya todo discarga ole

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Joke # 472

One Question in Who Wants to be a Millionaire...


What is the correct jejemon term for the word "Millionaire"?

A.MheELLiOnAyReSz

B. Mh3LL10nA1r3

C. Ma3llh30n3r

D. Mh1lLh10nHa1R3

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Joke # 473

Hindi ko ikamamatay ang pagtitig niya sa iba












...Yung tinititigan niya ang mapapatay ko

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Joke # 474

BF: Ikaw lang ang nag-iisang babae sa buhay ko!!



GF: Wala ka bang nanay?????????

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Joke # 475

TEACHER: boy, read your 500-word essay

BOY: opo!
My Cat...bow.
I have a cat Muning. Muning was lost so I went outside the house to look for Muning.

Muning! (482 times)

:lol: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

miggy93
26th Mar 2011, 08:38
nice. thanks kuya.

t700_825
26th Mar 2011, 12:31
nice. thanks kuya.

Salamat,.:thumbsup:

t700_825
26th Mar 2011, 17:09
Joke # 476

ano ang kaibahan ng kare-kare at babae?


answer:

ang kare-kare kapag kinain may giniling na mani...

ang babae naman, gumigiling kapag kinakain ang MANI!

peace out!

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Joke # 477

May tatlong golfer, Doctor, Pari at Abogado ang maagang naglalaro. Sa unahan, may naglalaro rin pero mabagal. Sa inip nila, tinawag ang Greens Keeper para agreklamo.

Doc: " Ano ba ang problema at ang babagal ng mga nauna sa amin."

Greens Keeper: "Boss, sorry po dahil 'yung nasa unahan ay mga bulag na Bombero. Nabulag sila dahil sa maagap na pagpatay ng sunog doon sa Paaralan ng mga bata. Dahil sa magiting na ginawa ng mga bombero, palagi po namin pinapaglaro ng libre dito sa golf course." Dahil sa sinabi ng Greens Keeper, medyo natahimik an tatlo.

Pari: "Naku, nakakaawa naman pala ang nangyari sa kanila. Mamayang gabi, ipagdadasal ko sila."

Doc: "Aba, magaling na idea iyan. Bukas, tatawagin ko ang Ophthalmologist at baka sakali may maitutulong pa siya doon sa mata ng mga Bombero."

Abogado: (Inis pa): Bakit hindi na lang sila maglaro sa gabi!"

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Joke # 478

Define Asymptote:

"A line that a graph gets closer and closer to, but never touches or crosses it"

In Tagalog, "Hanggang friends na lang talaga tayo"

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Joke # 477

Q: anong pagkaiba ng sasakyan sa babae ????

A: ang sasakyan habang dumadami ang sumasakay sumusikip eh ang babae habang dumadami ang sumasakay lumuluwag

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Joke # 478

Madre #1: Magkano ang talong?

Tindera: P7 po ang apat na piraso.

Madre #2: Paano ‘yan? Tatlo lang ang kailangan natin.

Madre #3: Bilhin na natin, Sister. Tapos, ‘yung sobrang isa, ulam natin.

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Joke # 479

Sa isang magulong bayan sa Mindnao, may curfew pagsapit ng alas-diyes ng gabi. Ang mahuli ay babarilin.

OFFICER: 9:55PM pa lang, ba't binaril mo sya?
SUNDALO: Sir, alam ko po ang bahay niya. HINDI SYA AABOT!!!!

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Joke # 480

Binata: Pwede ba kitang ligawan?

Dalaga: Bakit may RAV4 ka ba? BMW? Benz? o CR-V man lang?

Binata: Bakit ano ba yang puso mo, highway?

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Joke # 481

Height of Poverty: Wife’s stitching husband’s condom

Height of Innocence: A girl applying Clearasil 2 her nipols thinking that they are pimples.

Height of Ambition: An ant climbing on the elephant leg with a motive of rape.

Height of Unemployment: A spider web found in prostitute’s pusssy.

Height of Laziness: A man sleeping on the top of a woman expecting an earthquake to do the rest.

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Joke # 482

NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?

BALIW: siyempre man! OO!

[Nurse natuwa..]

NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?

BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?

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Joke # 483

makakasuhan kaya ako?






Kung..




Mahuli aqng ngnanakaw ng tingin sau?


Hahaha.!
So cheezzy.!

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Joke # 484

hindi man gnun
ksArap ang
buHay..




haBang buHay
nMn ak0ng
mSarAp…haHaha

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Joke # 485

TRIVIA

did y0u kn0w
that
all numbers
fr0m
1 to 999 d0esn’t
have the letter
A?












uy! Magbibilang
yan agad!

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Joke # 486

MnsAn,
mAs EsPesyAl,
aNg LawAy,
KaysA Luha!

Kc khit
cnO, pwde
mOng
IyAkan…

Pero Ang
LawAy,
tutuLO lng..













Sa tAoNg
Gus2 m0ng
TikmAn. .
ahehe. .

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Joke # 487

y0ur future
relies
oN y0ur
dreams..

s0,
tuL0g lang!

mgtTgumpay
ka rin!
hahaha..

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Joke # 488

THE REVENGE OF THE "AMO"

AMO: Hoy, Inday! Bakit sunog ang sinaing?

INDAY: Heavy fire that exerted by the stimulus effect of the best conductor of heat which is the steel, causing the Oriza sativa to change its state of color, smell as well as taste.

AMO: In other words, you didn’t apply your knowledge about heat conductors and left the Oriza sativa to burn! Akala mo, nosebleed ako’ no?! Nagi-study na ako… Bring it on! Bitch!
-hahaha panis c inday

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Joke # 489

It’s
hard
wen
you
realyZ
that
*some text missing*

hndi
m0
mlamn
kung
*some text missing*

Hndi
m
2loy
maintndhn
na
*some text missing*

hehe..

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Joke # 490

“ang mga taong di photogenic at di mgwang mgng mganda o gwapo sa picture ..

laging suggesti0n :

WACKY! DALI WACKY TAYO!

hahahaü

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :thumbsup: :excited:



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

mr._vin
26th Mar 2011, 18:04
ie t.s tagal ko nang hindi napasyal dito pero la parin kupas mga joke....tanggal stress ko...kahit papano nkakalimot ako na finals week na.!!!!!!!

panthers02
26th Mar 2011, 18:56
Nice...

t700_825
26th Mar 2011, 19:37
ie t.s tagal ko nang hindi napasyal dito pero la parin kupas mga joke....tanggal stress ko...kahit papano nkakalimot ako na finals week na.!!!!!!!


Nice...

Thanks din ng marami,.hehe,.kahit papano nakatulong din sa inyo pantanggal ng stress,.hehe,.,.keep in touch,.,.

t700_825
27th Mar 2011, 10:01
Joke # 491

ang tae

kahit di

malambot

di natTibag

kAhiT etoy

NAsa DAan

KinaKaTakuTan….

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Joke # 492

Here are things na wish mo sabihin sayo ng parents mo.


1. Anak, bumangon ka na male-late ka na. Pero kung ina-antok ka pa sige matulog ka nalang, sa next period ka nalang pumasok.

2. O, eto allowance mo oh. May dagdag na na pang-gimik yan.

3. Amoy alcohol ka na naman!? Nag-jamming na naman kayo. Bad trip, di man lang ninyo ako sinama.

4. Gabi na matulog na ka na. Bukas samahan mo ako, bili tayo ng bago mong cellphone.

5. Nan-dyan ang jowa mo sa labas. Papasukin ko nalang dito sa kwarto mo?

6. Tumawag yung adviser mo sabi lagpak ka na naman daw. Di bale ok lang, may next sem pa naman.

7. Junior, bakit iisa lang girlfriend mo? Ang hina mo naman, dagdagan mo pa para may extra.

8. Anak, bakit hindi ka pa nagbo-boyfriend? Ok lang naman sa amin kung mabuntis ka, kami na bahala sa magiging anak mo.

9. Hindi pa-ubos ang 300 na load mo? Noong isang araw pa yun ah…

10. Anak naman! Bakit hindi mo inu-ubos ang binibigay naming allowance sayo… Kumakayod kami ng husto ng Daddy mo para may pantustos sayo tapos hindi mo ginagastos ang binibigay naming sa’yo!?

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Joke # 493

Lolo:alam m0h apo nung araw pg pumunta q s mall mer0n nq spatos,medjas,polo,at salamin s halagang 20pes0s lng..

Apo:grabe pla n0h lolo,eh ngaun p0h b?

Lolo:mhirap na apo,my surveillance cam.na eh..

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Joke # 494

Boy:mahal kta,kht bumagy0,lumindol,bumaha,at gumuh0 ang mund0.,

girl:eh bt nung bday q wla ka?



Boy:ahh..ehh..umaamb0n?

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Joke # 495

GUARD:sr.ID ny0 po?

DODONG:Eto oh..

GUARD:I-PIN ny0 p0h.,

DODONG:(ngumanga)..hrap nMan d2,patin ipin tnitignan

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Joke # 496

Shortest love story:

Boy: Mahal kita!

Girl: Mahal din kita!

Boy: Hindi pa nga kita nililigawan, sinagot mo na ako! Ayoko sa mga easy to get, break na tayo!

Girl: Sige hahayaan kita, mahal kita eh!

Boy: Okey, bye.

Girl: Bye.

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Joke # 497

PARE1: Pre, bakit ka tulala?

PARE2: Asawa ko, gabi-gabi ako kinakalabit.

PARE1: Sarap nun! Anong problema dun?

PARE2: Anong masarap dun e limang taon nang patay asawa ko!

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Joke # 498

Haplusin...

pisil-pisilin mula puwet

hanggang ulo... itutok mo...

hanggang tumalsik...

lumabas ‘yung malagkit na puti.

Kung wala, sumigaw ka,









"Wala na tayong Colgate!"

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Joke # 499

Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?

Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!

Guro: Bakit?

Boy: Kasi po sa bahay kubo namin, madalas lumindol kapag gabi, pero pag-switch ko po ng ilaw, biglang tumitigil!

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Joke # 500


Pasyente: Dok, bakit kapag tumatae ako ay may kasamang plema?


Doktor: Okey lang ‘yun, mas delikado ‘yung uubo ka ay may kasamang tae.

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Joke # 501

Erap writing on a slum book:

Favorite Actor:


Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)


Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)


Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)


Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)


Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)


Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)


Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)


Arnold Clavio

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Joke # 502

Americano, Hapon tsaka Pinoy nag-contest ng pahabaan ng titi.

HAPON: Binaba ang shorts at brief. Ginamit yun titi pang sungkit ng mangga.

(Sigawan mga tao!)

AMERIKANO: Binaba ang shorts at brief. Ginamit yun titi pang sungkit ng niyog.

(Sigawan mga tao, mas taas yun nyog e!)

PILIPINO: Binaba ang shorts at brief. Itinusok sa lupa ang titi nya. (Booo ‘yung mga tao.)

Sabi ng announcer, "Ano ba ‘yan! Wala namang kuwenta ‘yang ginawa mo!"

PILIPINO: Ahh... wala ba? Teka lang, hugutin ko na. (Paghugot ng titi, may nakabitin na demonyo! Takbuhan ang mga tao! Panalo ang Pinoy!)

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Joke # 503

Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?

Pilo: 59 books po.

Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?

Pilo: 77 books.

Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?

Pilo: Ma’am, library po!

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Joke # 504

Arnold: Pare, I need a lawyer. Do you know anyone?

Bobong: What kind of lawyer do you need? A good lawyer or a great lawyer?

Arnold: Whats the difference pare?

Bobong: A good lawyer knows the law very well... A great lawyer knows the judge very well!

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Joke # 505

Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?

Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
27th Mar 2011, 17:37
Joke # 506

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A FILIPINO PARTY?
You're an hour late and there's still nobody there! There’s enough food to feed the Philippines.

You can't even get through the door because there's a pile of 50 shoes blocking the way.

You see a huge fork and spoon on the wall, a framed picture of the Last Supper, a huge Santo Nino,and a barrel man.

They're singing "Peelings" on karaoke.

The older men are in the garage playing posoy-dos, or poker or 31, the women are in the kitchen gossiping, or are playing mahjong,the other people are in the entertainment room singing karaoke, and the kids are outside the streets running around unsupervised.

There's goat 'pulutan' beeing cooked.

There's a crazy woman with a camera going around the room snapping away and yelling, "Uy peeeek-chuuur!"

when you hear a male's voice on the karaoke trying to emulate Frank Sinatra's "My Way."

All the old aunties and guests are already wrapping up food to take home.

You have the Pacquiao fight on the illegal cable boxes on the 70" LCD in the movie room,

The lumpia is gone in 5 minutes and they are frying up another batch.

I like how the religious gatherings at the house turn into an illegal gambling set up by the end of the night !!

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Joke # 507

Walang Pambayad

TAXI DRIVER: Miss saan tayo?

MISS: Wala akong pambayad eh. Gusto mo BJ na lang?

TAXI DRIVER: Ok.

After the BJ....sarap....

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, saan tayo?

MISS: Sa gay beauty contest pare.

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Joke # 508

ON BEING OPEN

Only open heart receives love

Only open mind receives wisdom

Only open arms receive gifts

Only open legs receive eggs

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Joke # 509

THE VOWEL OF SEX ACCORDING TO WOMEN :

aahhhhh - napasukan

eehhhhh - naliitan

iihhhhhh - nalakihan

oohhhhh - nasarapan

uuhhhhh - nilabasan

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Joke # 510

PINOY SALESMAN IN AMERICA


The Boss asks: 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The Pinoy says: 'Sir, I was a salesman back home in Manila.'

Well, the boss liked the Pinoy chappie so he gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'

Pinoy boy says: 'Sir, Just ONE sale.'

The boss says: 'Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?'

Pinoy boy says: ' $101 237. 64'

Boss says: '$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?'

Pinoy boy says:'Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper Camper Tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: 'You're not serious? A guy came in hereto buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?'

Pinoy boy says: 'No Sir, actually he came in to buy Tylenol for his headache and I said:

'Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind!'

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Joke # 511

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

Love is an intention ,that goes with affection, with the intent of injection and ejection, done in the midsection, in a nice position, during a private session :-)

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Joke # 512

Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U..S.

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Joke # 513

Farmer ordered a MILKING MACHINE ..tried it on his penis & had a wonderful orgasm but couldn't remove it so he read the manual & fainted. It said " AUTO RELEASE AFTER 2 GALLONS !"

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Joke # 514

GUY 1 : Noong, nakaraang buwan, isinama ko syota ko sa bahay ng lolo kong milyonaryo para makilala nito.

GUY 2 : Anong nangyari ?

GUY 1 : Lola ko na ang bruha ngayon !

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Joke # 515

Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto
nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?

Ama: Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise
mo na lang ako.

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Joke # 516

Host : What "N" (narra) is the
national tree of the Philippines ?

Contestant : Niyog?

Host : Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant : (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

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Joke # 517

MAN 1 : Kinakausap mo ba misis mo habang nakikipag-sex ka ?

MAN 2 : Hindi ah ! pinapatay ko nga celfon ko para di niya ako matawagan!

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Joke # 518

Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng SANITARY NAPKIN sa BRA ?

A : Sa Sanitary napkin parang wala kahit meron, samantalang sa bra parang meron kahit wala !

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Joke # 519

Host : Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?

Contestant : Banyo?

Host : Hindi, pag pumunta ka
doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host : Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.

Contestant : Beerhouse!

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Joke # 520

Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.

Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?

Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.

Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo


:lmao: :lol: :rofl: :thumbsup:



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
28th Mar 2011, 08:48
Joke # 521


Host : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue,may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host : Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant : Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi.Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant : ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

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Joke # 522

Warning: Children playing outside the car can
cause accident... and...
Adults playing inside the car can cause
CHILDREN!!!!

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Joke # 523

1950s-Iniirog kita.
1960s-Iniibig kita.
1970s-Minamahal kita.
1980s-I love you.
1990s-Tara sa kwarto.
2000s-Pwede na rito.

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Joke # 524

Isang araw nag-kuwentuhan ang dalawang mag-kaibigan

Juan: Pare pano ba malalaman kung virgin ang isang babae?
Pedro: Simple lng pare!!!! kapag UMARAY!!!!!!!

KINAGABIHAN pinapunta ni juan ang kanyang gf sa bhay, dali-dali niya itong ipinasok sa kwarto at pinatay ang ilaw!!!

Juan: AHHH.......uuhhhhhhh...

Gf: Aray.....juan ang sakit!!! tang-ina!!!!

Juan: hehehhe.....VIRGIN!!!!!!dali-dali nitong binuksan ang ilaw upang tingnan!!!!!

Gf: tang-ina ka JUAN, ilong ko pa dinali mo!!

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Joke # 525

PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American salary,
British home, German car, Chinese food, and Pinoy
wife!



PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British wife,
German food,
American home and
Pinoy salary!

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Joke # 526

Minsan, sa aking pag-iisa, naalala kita...

Inisip kong nasa tabi lang kita at tayo'y nagsasaya. Tapos, bigla kang umalis.

Nalungkot ako.

Akala ko, iiwan mo na ako. Uutot ka lang pala, tinakot mo pa ako!

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Joke # 527

GIGOLO: Doc puede bang recitahan mo ako ng tatlong tabletas ng Viagra? May Hot date kasi ako ngayong gabi. Napasubo ako, tatlo sila.

DOC: Sabay silang tatlo?

GIGOLO:Hindi Doc, iba-ibang oras simula mamayang gabi.


KINAUMAGAHAN...

Doc to Gigolo(putlang-putla): O bakit ang aga mo? kulang ba ang tabletas na bigay ko sa iyo kahapon?

Gigolo: Hindi Doc. Kailangan ko ng gamot sa pang-mamaga.

Doc: Anong nangyari, nasobrahan ka yata ano?

Gigolo: Hindi Doc, yong mga date ko kagabi, hindi nag show-up kaya eto namamaga ang mga palad ko.........

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Joke # 528

Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing
wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod na
ako sa pagngiti!




- Smiley.

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Joke # 529

In a restaurant, a man meets a lovely waitress.

Man: What is your name?

Waitress: Omega, sir.

Man: Beautiful name. How are you related to
Omega watch?

Waitress: Same price, sir - but different movement!

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Joke # 530

Juan: Bakit ba may asin sa dagat?

Pedro: Sinadya yun ni Lord para hindi mapanis ang mga isda.

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Joke # 531

Recently, a man had to go to the Hospital to have his Wedding ring cut-off from his pen!s. Because his Girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him, she stucked it on him while he was asleep.
Which is worse:

1. Having your girlfriend find out your married?

2. Explaining to your Wife how your wedding ring got on your Pen!s

3. Or finding out your pen!s fits through your ring?
Bulilit-bulilit ang liit-liit. hehe

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Joke # 532

Q: Is Winnie the Pooh a girl or a boy?

A: A girl; kasi kung boy eh di sana Winnie The Teeh!

Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng ulap sa panty?

A: Pag hinawi mo ang ulap....blue sky.
Pag hinawi mo ang panty....WOW, Heaven!!!!

Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng talong sa kalabasa?

A: Ang kalabasa - pampalinaw ng mata.
Ang talong - pampatirik ng mata!

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Joke # 533

A girl from an exclusive school was asked:




Q: What's the difference between a penis and a
kamote?

A: Yuck!!! I don't eat kamote!

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Joke # 534

Teacher: Ang mga Amerikano ang tinawag na white people dahil ang kulay nila ay puti. Ikaw Pedro, bakit brown people ang tawg sa mga Pilipino?

Pedro: Ah, kasi po Maam, parating brown out sa Pilpinas.

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Joke # 535

Q: Why is breastmilk still best for babies?

A: It's fresh; contains antibodies for protection
against infections and it comes in a very attractive container!




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
28th Mar 2011, 15:21
Joke # 536
Donya: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay
ala-sais empunto!

Maid: walang problema donya. Kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal!

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Joke # 537

Isang bata ang nagtanong sa kanyang tatay habang sila ay nasa store kung saan ginagamit ang condom na nakita niya sa store shelf.

Binigyan naman ng tatay ng explanation ang anak tungkol sa condom.

At nagtanong uli ang bata kung bakit may two-pack, three-pack, six-pack at twelve-pack na condoms na ibinebenta sa tindahan.

Ganito and paliwanag ng ama sa anak...

yung two-pack ay para sa high school kids, kasi kapag Saturday at Sunday lang sila nakakapag-date.

Yung three-pack naman ay para sa college kids na afford mag-date ng Friday, Saturday at Sunday.

Yung six-pack ay para sa bagong mag-asawa na ang pahinga ay Sunday lang.

At yung twelve-pack ay para sa matagal ng mag-asawa...isa para sa January, isa sa February, isa sa March hanggang December.......

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Joke # 538

Tanong: Bakit ang tao kapag ipinapanganak madalas ulo ang unang lumalabas?

Sagot: Kasi ang tao kapag ginawa, ulo rin unang ipinapasok. First in,first out policy ang tawag dun, di ba???

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Joke # 539

May gulo sa bayan kanina!

Nakiusyuso ako pero di ako makasingit.

Grabe! Ang daming tao biglang tinaas ng pulis ang pinagkakaguluhan.

Bad trp! Ikaw nga! Nabugbog ka dahil nangsnatch ka!

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Joke # 540

A time 2 cry

a tym 2 smile

a tym 2 laugh

& a tym 2 luv.

but now is a time 4 LUNCH,

anong ulam m? penge nmn!

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Joke # 541

A rapist wid a knife threatened a nun:

"LIfe or Reputation?" After the rape, the

nun got the knife, collared the rapist and said:

"Life or Repitition?"

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Joke # 542

A girl who opens her mind receives WISDOM;

opens her heart receives LOVE;

opens her hand receives gifts;

opens her legs receives hapPENIS..hmmm..

Wrong speling ata noh?

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Joke # 543

A luv $tory that can only be read by cute people.


THe END, kaka-in love no?nbsa mo b?hehehe

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Joke # 544

ACRONYMS
S.A.N. M.I.G.U.E.L. P.A.L.E. P.I.L.S.E.N.
A.N.D. B.O.T.T.L.E.D

-Sa amin nayon may isang gago uminom eh lasing, pati ako lasing eh.
Pati ikaw,lasing.Sige,inom na, natural din, bawat order
talagang trouble.Lasing eh,di ba?

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Joke # 545

Americans hve a hard tym cheering MANNY PACQUIAO
They can not shout his name. Because f dey wil,it wil sound

"MANNY F*CK YOU.....!

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Joke # 546

REPORTER: Hon. Pres. Joseph Estrada, What do you think about these countries?

ERAP: What countries

Reporter: Iran, Iraq And Egypt

ERAP: Oh, Iran is the past tense of I am running, Iraq is the only kind of things you find in the Japanese rock garden. Egypt naman is the pambansang vehicle of the Philippines, which waits for passengers anywhere in the streets!

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Joke # 547

How do you know a filipino who lived in japan?

1. You take a taxi to go to a place even when it takes only 7 minutes
on foot.

2.You go first to the basement at the embassy to eat dinuguan before submitting your application 10 minutes before lunch break.

3.You eat sushi with a fork.

4.You take miso soup from a rice bowl with a spoon.

5.You eat your fish with your hand instead of chopsticks.

6.You serve adobo in the caldero (pan).

7.You put the rice cooker in the middle of the table.

8.You are the only foreigner who orders pig's blood from the butcher.

9.You buy all the fish heads at the fish stall.

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Joke # 548

Age 3-9: padamihan ng peklat

Age 10-15: pagandahan ng tuli

Age 16-25: padamihan ng chicks

Age 26-36: pagandahan ng misis

Age 37: 47: palakihan ng tiyan

Age 48 pataas: patagalan 2migas

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Joke # 549

May dalawang mag kumpareng nag uusap

Kumpare1: Alam mo ang sarap ng Ulam namin Kagabi, “Fried Chicken”, sawsawan gravy

Kumpare2: Wala yan! samin ang Ulam namin “Toyo na may kalamansi”

Kumpare1: Yun lang?

Kaumpare2: Sawsawan “Pork Chop”

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Joke # 550

Misis: Hon, ano yang binabasa mo at pinagpapawisan ka?

Mister: Horror!

Misis: Anong pamagat?

Mister: Mga utang natin !!!

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Joke # 551

Sa isang hospital……

Misis: Doc, musta po ang mister ko?

Doc: Hw’ll be alright!

Misis: Ho! pagkatapos ng grabeng aksidente nya?

Doc: Oo naman! pinutol na namin ang kanyang left arm & left foot, so all right na siya….

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Joke # 552

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

Q: How are a woman and a frying pan similar?
A: You have to get them hot before you put the meat in.

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Joke # 553

May tatlong magkukumpare na nagpapayabangan.

PARE 1: Naaalala ko si junior ko. Napakagaling na bata. Biruin mo, sariling sikap lang na nakapag-aral sa America. Ngaun abogado na. Sa New York nagtratrabaho. May sarili na siyang Law Firm doon. Huli kong balita kay junior, sa sobrang yaman ng anak ko na yan, binigyan lang ng mercedez benz yung isang kaibigan.

PARE 2: New York ba ikamo? Doon din yung isang panganay ko eh.. Businessman.. Graduate ng Yale. Scholar din siya. Ang dami ngang negosyo ngayon ng batang iyon. Iba-iba. Kaya ako’y proud na proud diyan sa anak ko na ‘yon eh. Gusto talagang makatulong. Yung isang kaibigan niya nga eh, balita ko binigyan niya nung isang apartment sa Manhattan.

PARE 3: (With his head bowed) N-Nakakahiya naman pala sa inyo, mga kumpare. Ako kasi’y pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa nung nalaman kong ang kaisa-isa kong lalaki ay naturingang bakla. Mangyari’y hindi lang bakla, kundi napakalanding bakla. Ang damuhong iyon, ang huli kong balita ay nangangaliwa pa yata ang hinayupak ng lintek——– dalawa-dalawa pa ang BOYPREN. Pareho kasing mayayaman. Yung isa binigyan siya ng mercedez benz, at yung isa nama’y ibinahay siya sa Manhattan.

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Joke # 554

Waiting for someone to love you may not be a good Idea after all.

Stealing them might be a better solution.

hehehe

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Joke # 555

Ang syota ay prang sbaw,
kailangan higupin m agd hbang mainit!

Ang Mrs. ay prng sardinas,
bu2ksan mo lng pg wla ng ibng ulam!


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

vizius07
28th Mar 2011, 19:17
haha.. more p ts..

fberyljean
28th Mar 2011, 20:25
Nice jokes..
More, more, more..
Hehe i love your jokes,
:rofl: tawa ako ng tawa..

t700_825
28th Mar 2011, 20:38
haha.. more p ts..


Nice jokes..
More, more, more..
Hehe i love your jokes,
:rofl: tawa ako ng tawa..

Thanks,.ok po,.i'll keep posting,.malakas kayo sakin eh,.hehe

t700_825
29th Mar 2011, 08:06
Joke # 556

A gr8 luv s wen u shed tirs & stil care 4 him.
its wen he ignores u & stil long 4 him.
its wen he bgns 2 luv anoder & smyl & say "ok lng, supot nmn siya"

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Joke # 557

A witch wanted
2 cast a spell
on u and turn u
into an ugly
creture.
Eh luv kita,
kya iniligtas
kita.Sabi ko
sa mangku2lam,

"Manang, pangit
n yan, maawa k nmn!"

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Joke # 558

ABC-always b careful.

DEF- dnt ever 4get.

JKLM-jaz kip liking me

NOPQRSTUVWXYZ-no other person quite reasonable
shal trit u very wel xcept me. yu'll zee!.

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Joke # 559

WIFE: Oooohh!! Ang sarap! Love ilipat mo naman sa clit ko.

HUSBAND: Bakit, ano ba yung dinidilaan ko?

WIFE: Almoranas ko!!!

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Joke # 560

Pasyente: Doc, ninenerbyos ako. First operation ko po kasi toh.

Doc: Alam ko nararamdaman mo kasi ikaw din ang first pasyente ko.

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Joke # 561

Tom is a lazy boy. His vacation finished but he doesn't want to come back his school so he called his teacher and tried to immitate his father's voice. He said :
"Teacher, Tom is sick now so he cannot come back school ."

"Oh,sorry to hear that", teacher said, "Who is speaking ?"

" My father, sir", the boy answered.

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Joke # 562

Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and I have a
basketball team.

American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football
team.

Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf
course - 18 holes.

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Joke # 563

Q: Ano ang Filipino translation ng sex?
Clue: Starts with the letter K...naisip mo na?
Come on you can do it......





The answer is...kasarian. Dirty mind, ha!

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Joke # 564

Kung umuungol ang dog,
panigurado may tao.

Pero pag ang tao ang umuungol,
sigurado dog style yun!!

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Joke # 565

May twin sa loob ng tiyan..
TWIN 1: Gus2 ko paglaki ko maging doktor. Kaw tol???
TWIN 2: Paglabas ko dito gugulpihin ko yung kalbo na pasok nang pasok d2. Gagong yun, nandudura pah!!!

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Joke # 566

One day, Mr. Bean slowly opening his Medicine Cabinet.

Why is it that he is slowly opening his medicine cabinet?

Because the Sleeping Pills might be disturbed.

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Joke # 567

Amoy mo ay
Espesyal na
Bulaklak At
Cologne.

In short, amoy
E.B.A.C ka!Ohhh!
Ang bango mo!

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Joke # 568

Q: Ano'ng similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?

A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.

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Joke # 569

Atty.: Kung 22ong ginahasa ka ng nasasakdal, bk8 gumigiling ka p raw pagkapasok ng ari niya?

GRO: Sir, self defense lng po yun para labasan at manghina siya sa pagod…

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Joke # 570

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):"Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

maurice27
29th Mar 2011, 19:31
ang dami na plang bago,,
nice ts!!!
Share ko narin po'to,

BABALA:
Dahil sa magnitude 5.4 na lindol last march 21,baka magkaroon dito sa atin ng mga alon. . . . .


Mga. . .

Maliliit na alon. .



Na ang tawag ay.
"TSUNANO"..

Hehe

t700_825
29th Mar 2011, 20:43
ang dami na plang bago,,
nice ts!!!
Share ko narin po'to,

BABALA:
Dahil sa magnitude 5.4 na lindol last march 21,baka magkaroon dito sa atin ng mga alon. . . . .


Mga. . .

Maliliit na alon. .



Na ang tawag ay.
"TSUNANO"..

Hehe

Yiiihhh,.nagpost ang crush ko,.haha,.salamat,.hehe;)

maurice27
29th Mar 2011, 22:33
ngee???
Crush pa?
Ts tlga,..hehe

galing mu talaga sa mga jokes sir....
Bilib talaga ako.... Hehe:thumbsup:

alcheon
29th Mar 2011, 23:38
:lol: :clap:

t700_825
30th Mar 2011, 08:16
ngee???
Crush pa?
Ts tlga,..hehe

galing mu talaga sa mga jokes sir....
Bilib talaga ako.... Hehe:thumbsup:

Siyempre,.kaw pa,.eh malakas ka sakin eh,.haha,.


:lol: :clap:

Salamat,.

Eto na bagong bugso:

Joke # 571

A true Filipino

* You hang on the back of a jeepney when it is full, or sit on top of it (like a pincushion).
* You pay lagay with lagay.
* You say "tsu" if a dog or a cat has to be chased away, and it is not a half sneeze.
* You say "chit" if you want to pay in a restaurant or make the rectangular gesture with your thumb and index finger of both hands.
* You beckon someone to come near with outstreched arm and move your hands and fingers up and down, in a scratching manner (compare how mga kano do it, quite the opposite).
* You prefer white skin over brown (again the opposite of mga kano), and the mestizo baby is more admired.
* You think you are from a higher class when your Ingalog is better than your Taglish.
* You are crazy about thropies, medals, ribbons and first honour.
* You are disappointed when a comedy series on tv doesn't end in a slapstick like romp.
* You have a bell-nickname, Ding, Dong etc.
* You prefer to live, when abroad, in San Francisco, because of the home like threat of earthquakes.
* You say you are a doctor, while in a matter of fact you are a condoctor.
* You always write your names in fresh concrete when you get the chance.
* You greet by asking: "Saan ka pupunta, " and greet back vaguely, "Bayan!"
* You have the same name as a celebrity, Garcia, Ramos or Juan de la Cruz, f.i., and you are always a relative.
* You carry water in a plastic container hung on a long bamboo pole with one end over your shoulder and on the other end little wheels cut out of slippers.

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Joke # 572

ANAK: Mommy, ano po yung sex?
MOMMY: Ah, eh, number yun anak!!!
ANAK: Tama! kasi sab ni Daddy kay yaya, “Sex tayo!”, tapos sumagot si Yaya, “69 ba ulit, Kuya?”

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Joke # 573

Sa panahon ngayon, mas malaki ang kita ng mga Driver kaysa sa mga Jeepney Operator,

pero higit na mas malaki ang kita ng mga Dispatcher kaysa sa mga Driver.

Sa kahuli-hulian, ang talagang may kita ay kung kanino nag remit ang Dispatcher.

PEACE..hehe..
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Joke # 575

Inimbitahan ng isang imbestigador sa opisina ng NBI si Juan na walang trabaho pero buhay milyonaryo. Dumating si Juan kasama ang kanyang abogado sa NBI.

Imbestigador: Juan, pinatawag ka namin dito dahil naghihinala kaming isa kang drug trafficker at lider ng isang sindikato dahil nakapagtatakang namumuhay kang milyonaryo gayong ikaw ay walang tinapos at walang trabaho. Gusto naming malaman kung paano ka kumikita ng milyong milyong pera.

Juan: Sir, sa legal pong paraan kong kinikita ang aking mga pera. Sa pamamagitan po ng pustahan ako po ay kumikita ng daang daang libong piso. Kung gusto nyo po patutunayan ko sa inyo. Dodoblehen ko po ang sampung libo ninyo kung makakagat ko ang aking kanang mata.

Imbestigador: Imposibleng makagat mo ang yong mata. Sige, call ako dyan.

Dinukot ni Juan ang kanyang pekeng mata sa kanan at kinagat. Nagulat naman ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Juan.

Juan: Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang singkwenta mil ninyo kung pupusta kayong kaya kong kagatin ang aking kaliwang mata.

Imbestigador: Yan ang talagang imposible. Paano ka makakakita kung parehong peke ang dalawa mong mata. Call ako dyan!

Kinuha ni Juan ang kanyang pustiso at kinagat ang kaliwang mata. Mangingiyak ngiyak ang imbestigador sa ginawa ni Juan.

Juan: (Pumunta sa dulo ng dalawang metrong mesa ng imbestigador) Sir, dodoblehen ko po ang ang sandaang libo ninyo kung pupusta kayo na kaya kong umihi sa basurahan nyo na nasa kabilang dulo ng mesang ito mula rito sa kinatatayuan ko. Patutunayan ko sa inyo na di mababasa ng kahit isang patak ang mesa nyo.

Imbestigador: Pinatatawa mo ako, Juan. Iyan ang talagang imposible. Sigurado akong di ka na mananalo sa pustang yan. Kaya, call ako!

Umihi si Juan at dahil sa imposibleng abutin ng ihi niya ang basurahan sa kabilang dulo ng dalawang metrong mesa ay sinadya na lang nyang ihian ang mesa ng imbestigador. Napahalakhak ang imbestigador sa tuwa. Ngunit, tawa rin ng tawa si Juan.

Imbestigador: Eh bakit tawa ka pa nang tawa, eh talo ka na nga ng sandaang libo?

Juan: Sir, natutuwa po ako dahil nanalo po ako ng limang daang libong piso sa pustahan namin ng abogadong kasama ko. Nagpustahan po kami na ako ang mananalo kung kayo ay matutuwa kapag inihian ko ang mesa ninyo.

Abogado: Waaaahhhhh!

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Joke # 576

Most of these Japanese words are adopted by Filipino language.

I'm warning you - makikitamo

Where are we going? - San-batayo?

Stewardees - Oto-san

Is this your car? - Otomoto?

This is my car - Otokoto

Sugar daddy/mommy - Otooto

Is this your property? - Arimoto?

Yes, this is my property - Arikoto

Is this yours? - Sayobato or sayoto?

Is this mine? - Sakinbatu

This is mine - Sakinitu

Can I have it? - Akinato?

You can have it - Sayonato

Can we have it? - Saminato?

You can have it - Sanyonato (plural)

You haven't washed your face - Mimutamatamo

You're so thin! - Kitanabutomo

We saw each other - Kitakami

We had reunion - Kitakitakami

Have a drink before you go - Tomakamuna

That was my assumption - Inakarako

Let's go! - Bachinatayo!

We will boycott the election - Dikamiboboto

Underarm odor - Kirikiripawa

Are you oppressed? - Minamatakaba?

I give up - Sukonako

Ouch! - Araiku!

What life is this - Hainaku

I'm going to leave you - Sawanakosayo

Just take it! - Sayonarang!

Skeleton - purobuto

You look like your mom - kamukamumamamu

You look like your dad - kamukamupapamu

Ugly - kamukamu or kamukanya

Pretty or handsome - kamukaku

Full of monkey - kamukanyo

Are you nervous? - kakabakabakaba?

Are you a loyal customer? - sukikaba?

Later - sakana

I surrender - sukunako

Just surrender - sukukanakasi

Remember? - naaararamo?

I remember - naaararako

Go and work! - ararona!

Can you see? - kitamoba?

I told you - nakitamo?

Let's go to your place - sanyotayo

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Joke # 577

Nagkita si Juan at Pedro na magkumpadreng matagal na ring di nagkikita.

Juan: "Pare saan ka nagtatrabaho ngayon?"

Pedro: "IBM, Pare", ang sagot."

Juan: "IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?"

Pedro: "Istambay Buong Maghapon. Eh, ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?"

Juan: "Chemist, Pare"

Pedro: "Chemist, paanong nangyari 'yon eh, di ka naman nag-college?"

Juan: "Ke Misis umaasa, Pare."

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Joke # 578

M'AM: Inday, sa susunod, ayokong pinakikialaman mo ang condom namin ng sir mo!

INDAY: M'am, hwag kayong magbibintang! Di kami
sanay ni Sir gumamit niyan! Sobra kayo!

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Joke # 579

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;

At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;

At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;

At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

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Joke # 580

Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan. Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.

"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat sa iyo."

"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."

"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"

"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo rito sa mundo."

"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinagtaksilan kita. Sana ay patawarin mo ako."

"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita nilason."

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Joke # 581

Si Juan na isang accountant ay napilitang mag apply ng trabaho sa isang maliit na kumpanya dahil matagal na siyang tambay.

Ngayon ang araw ng kanyang interview. Nalaman nya sa secretary na problemado ang may-ari ng kumpanya at sya ang mag-iinterview kay Juan.

May-ari: (mukhang problemado) Ahhh....Mr. Juan dela Cruz, please come in and have a seat.

Juan: Thank you very much, Sir! (medyo kinakabahan.)

May-ari: Alam mo, talagang kailangang-kailangan ko ng accountant ngayon dahil masyado na akong namomroblema sa dami ng aking mga iniisip dahil lumalaki itong kumpanya.

Gusto ko ng accountant para siya na ang mamroblema sa financials ng kompanya at handa ko syang paswelduhin ng sandaang libong piso bawat buwan.

Nagulat at natuwa si Juan dahil sa laki ng sweldong ibibigay ng may-ari. Kaya't sya'y nagpakitang gilas.

Juan: Kung gayon, handa po akong tanggapin kahit anong problemang nais nyong problemahin ko.

May-ari: Sige, tanggap ka na at pwede ka nang mag-umpisa sa lalong madaling panahon.

Juan: (Tuwang-tuwa) Sir, nagtataka lang po ako kung bakit kaya nyong magpasweldo ng ganoong kalaki gayong maliit lang po itong kumpanya natin?

May-ari: Yan ang una mong problema!

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Joke # 582

Pari: Ang kayamanan at pera ay maiiwan natin kapag tayo ay namatay, walang pera sa langit.

Bata: Inay, narinig mo yun? Nasa langit na pala tayo…

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Joke # 583
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said:

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

JAPAN AIR LINES

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

BRITISH AIRWAYS

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

QANTAS AIRWAYS

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:

“We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

NORTHWEST AIRLINES

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced;

“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

PHILIPPINE AIR LINES

We’re now preparing to land at San Francisco International Airport. Kindly straighten up your seats, turn off all electronic gadgets, pull up your window shades and buckle up for safety.

We hope you enjoyed flying with us as much as we did.

Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng San Francisco.

Paalala po lamang sa ating mga kababayan:

– ang mga unan, kumot, headset at iba pang kagamitan sa eroplano ay di po kasama sa pasalubong. Huwag po lamang baklasin ang LCD-TV na nakadikit sa silya.

:rofl: :rofl: :lol: :lmao:

PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
30th Mar 2011, 18:42
KARAMIHAN AY GREEN JOKES

Joke # 584

IBARRA: "Alam mo Ma.Clara sa lahat ng babaeng nakilala ko ikaw lang ang mahinhin.

MARIA CLARA: " hoooooo bola! HILAHIN KO TITI MO DYAN EH... !"

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Joke # 585

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice….

Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

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Joke # 586

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, "ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"

Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!Big Smile

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Joke # 587

Unang date ng Tsino sa kanyang girlfriend na pinay.

Habang naghahalikan...

Tsino: Hmmm, amoy melon.

Habang pababa ang halik sa dibdib...

Tsino: Hmmmm, amooy meeelon!

Habang pababa ng pababa naman sa pusod... excite na excite... pinapawisan...

Tsino: Hmmmmmmmm, aaaaaamooooy meeeeeelon!!!

Ng bumaba na duon biglang nagulantang!

Tsino: ...Melon amoy, pwe!!!

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Joke # 588

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously totally unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?'

The clerk, politely but earnestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do....many models in fact."

To this the old women asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk ooone tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?"

Clerk: "Yes we do"
Old Lady: "Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhoYou can see links before reply tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee fffffuucccckkkkkkingggg ttthingggggg
offfffff!!!!"

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Joke # 589

Losing your teeth will lessen your sexual drive.

According to chinese:

"Pak ikaw wala ipen, Wala kan-tooth"

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Joke # 590

Fact or fiction (you make the call) Of Marriage:

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.

13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

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Joke # 591

Panty colors and what they symbolize:


White- Clean

Pink- Fragrance

Yellow- Sweet taste

Red- Meron

Black- Seductive

Brown- Dirty

Wala- Delicious

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Joke # 592

Kahit walang bilib sa hula, sumubok si Pedro na magpahula.

"Dalawa ang anak mo ngayon," sabi ng manghuhula kay Pedro habang binabasa nito ang palad niya.

"Yun ang akala mo," sumbat ni Pedro. "Para sa iyong kaalaman, tatlo ang anak ko sa misis ko."

"Yun ang akala mo," singhal naman ng manghuhula.

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Joke # 593

MISTER: Kung hindi sa pera ko hindi ka makakatira sa ganitong kalaking bahay!

MISIS: Hoy, kung di rin dahil sa pera mo wala rin ako rito!

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Joke # 594

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone
without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"

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Joke # 595

How is sex related to Mathematics?






Answer: You Add 2 persons Plus a bed, Minus the clothes, Divide the legs, Multiply the pumps, set the average rhytm and the Sum is satisfaction.

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Joke # 596

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

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Joke # 597

Si Juan ay bumisita sa isang mental hospital at siya'y nag-usisa para sa kanyang school assignment.

Juan: Papaano nyo po ba nalalaman kung talagang me sayad ang pasyenteng dinadala sa dito?

Doktor: Ganito yun. Pinupuno namin ng tubig ang isang bath tub. Tapos, iaabot namin sa pasyente ang kutsara, tasa at balde at uutusan namin siyang limasin o tanggalin nya ang tubig sa bathtub. Titingnan namin ngayon kung ano ang gagamitin niya sa tatlo.

Juan: Magaling, siguradong pipiliin ng normal na tao ang balde para mabilis na maubos ang tubig!

Doktor: Mali! Kapag normal ang isang tao, tatanggalin lang niya ang plug (yung tapon na nakabara sa butas) ng bathtub!

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Joke # 598

VAGINAL WASH:Girl

1: Ang gamit ko shampu, para laging madulas.Girl

2: Ang gamit ko Fit, para laging ready to eat.Girl

3: Ako Joy, sang patak, kaya ang sangkatutak.

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Joke # 599

"Alam mo bang napakatanga ko noong pinakasalan kita!" sigaw ni misis na hihiwalay na sa kanyang mister.






"Alam ko, pero in-love ako sa iyo noon kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang katangahan mo," sagot naman ni mister.

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Joke # 600

HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib ko. aprob agad ang SSS pension ko.

WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana bird mo para may dagdag-disability.


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
31st Mar 2011, 09:04
Joke # 601

Southerner’s Medical Dictionary

Artery…………………………. The study of paintings

Bacteria……………………… Back door to the cafeteria

Barium………………………. What doctors do when patients die

Benign………………………. What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section………. A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan……………………. Searching for Kitty

Cauterize…………………… Made eye contact with her

Colic……………………………. A sheep dog

Coma…………………………. A punctuation mark

Dilate…………………………. To live long

Enema……………………….. Not a friend

Fester……………………….. Quicker than someone else

Fibula……………………….. A small lie

Impotent……………………. Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain………………. Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff………………. A Doctor’s cane

Morbid………………………. A higher offer

Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates

Node………………………… I knew it

Outpatient…………………. A person who has fainted

Pelvis……………………….. Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative……………. A letter carrier

Recovery Room…………. Place to do upholstery

Rectum…………………….. Damn near killed him

Secretion………………….. Hiding something

Seizure…………………….. Roman emperor

Tablet……………………….. A small table

Terminal Illness…………. Getting sick at the airport

Tumor……………………….. One plus one more

Urine………………………… Opposite of you’re out

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Joke # 602

Si Juan ay nagpunta sa probinsya upang mag-hunting.

Papunta sila sa kagubatan ng kanyang guide at panay ang pagyayabang na siya raw ay asintado at wala pa raw siyang ti-narget na di tinamaan.

Pagdating sa kagubatan, agad siyang nakakita ng baboy damo, inasinta. . . binaril . . . sablay.

Ang guide nagkakamot ng ulo, "Akala ko po talaga kayong asintado."

"Asintado ako talaga, nagkaroon lang ng puwing ang mata ko kaya ako sumablay.

Para patunayan ko sa iyo, babarilin ko iyong mga ibon na lumilipad na nakapikit."

Ang guide nagdududa, "nakapikit at mapapalagpak nyo?"

"Oo, manood ka," Pumikit si Juan na inumang at pinaputok ang baril, ng magmulat siya ng mata hinanap niya ang ibon sa lupa.

"Aba, pambihira pala ang mga ibon dito sa inyo, may tama na eh nakakalipad pa rin."

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Joke # 603

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng "SAPAK" at "SAFUCK"?



A: Ang sapak ay sinaktan mo siya at umaray siya, at ang safuck ay umaray siya pero sa una lang yon saka napasarap na siya safuck.

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Joke # 604

ISANG ARAW SA ISANG BUS PAPUNTANG CALOOCAN, AY PUNUNG PUNO NG PASAHERO, DAHIL ORAS NA NG UWIAN GALING SA TRABAHO. AT SA LOOB PO NG BUS AY MAY ISANG KELOT NA NAKAUPO AT SA TABI NIYA AY ISANG BEBOT NA SAKSAKAN NG GANDA. ITO PONG SI MR. GENTLEMEN AY AYAW TUMAYO DAHIL SA PAGOD AT SA LAYO NG BIYAHENG PAUWI.PERO MERON DIN KONTING PAGKA GENTELMAN SI MISTER KAYA INALOK SI MISS NA KUNG GUSTO NIYA AY KUMANDONG NALANG KAY MISTER, AT PUMAYAG NAMAN PO SI MISS DAHIL NGA SA LAYO NG BIYAHENG PAUWI. HABANG TUMATAKBO NA PO ANG BUS AY MAY NAPANSIN SI MISTER KAY MISS, AT ITO AY NAGTANONG.
MISTER: MISS PWEDE HO BANG MAGTANONG?
MISS: PWEDE! ANO HO YON?
MISTER: MISS, KUNG HINDI AKO NAGKAKAMALI MANICURISTA KA ANO?
MISS: ABA MISTER, PAANO HO NINYO ALAM?
MISTER: KASI MISS, NAPANSIN KO ANG MGA KUKO MO MAAYOS AT MALILINIS,NAPAKAGANDANG TIGNAN.
" AT TULOY PO ANG TAKBO NG ATING BUS, AT MAYAT MAYA, MAY NARAMDAMAN SI MISS, AT SIYA NAMAN PO ANG NAGTANONG KAY MISTER.
MISS: MISTER PWEDE RIN MAGTANONG SA INYO?
MISTER: MISS, PWEDE ANO HO ANG TANONG NIYO?
MISS: KUNG HINDI AKO NAGKAKAMALI, MEKANIKO KA ANO?
MISTER: ABA MISS, BAKIT NINYO ALAM?
MISS: KASI NAMAN HO, KANINA MO PA AKO JINA-JACK SA PWET EH!

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Joke # 605

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him but I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted, and his only eye contact seemed rather judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the colour. Maybe I should never wear this colour again.

The conversation was slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet little restaurant. He's still acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much so I ask him if there's a problem and he says no. But you know, I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the five pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me so I try to ask him about
it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I'm going to bed and then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But he still seems really, really distracted so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?



HIS STORY:

Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

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Joke # 606

Dear Ate Charo,

May problema ako. Ang asawa ko, maniac. Nagluluto ako, nagse-sex kami. Nagpaplantsa ako, nagse-sex kami. Naglalaba ako o nanonood ng TV, nagse-sex kami. Nagbabasa ako ng komiks, nakikinig ng radyo, nagsi-CR, et cetera, nagse-sex kami.

Paalam na, kasi… aahhhh… Ohhhh… ‘Yan na namaaaaannn!

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Joke # 607

Q: Bakit intsik ang kinikidnap hindi bumbay?


A:Kasi pag bumbay, ang bayaran ng ransom ay hulugan, sa intsik cash!



Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO?


A: "Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak."

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Joke # 608

TOP SEX MOVIES OF 1999:
1. Shaving Ryan's Private

2. GoFinger

3. Meet Blowjob

4. I Know Who U Did Last Summer

5. D Six Sex

6. NoTinggil

7. the Generals Did Her

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Joke # 609

"Habang pinapanood mong inumin ang kapeng may lason ng asawa mo, hindi ka man lang ba naawa sa kanya kahit isang beses?" tanong ng abogado sa
babaeng nasasakdal.

"Naawa naman po," sagot ng babae.

"At kailan `yon?"

"Nu'ng humingi siya ng isa pang tasa ng kape."

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Joke # 610

"Ako ang tumulong sa asawa ko para maging milyonaryo!" pagyayabang ng isang misis sa kanyang mga kumare.


"Bakit, ano ba siya dati?" tanong ng isang kumare.


"Bilyonaryo." sagot ni misis na gastador.

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Joke # 611

A couple making love

Husband: Hon, ang kinis mo

Wife: Alaga sa lotion!

Husband: Sexy mo

Wife: Alaga sa aerobics!

Husband: Hon, bilog na bilog boobs mo

Wife: Alaga ng pare mo!

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Joke # 612

Man 1: My wife is crazy with cars. While asleep, holds my dick and says "Primera, Segunda".



Man 2: Mine is worse. While asleep, takes my dick and says "Full tank please."

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Joke # 613

Japayuki lying in bed with japanese bf,"banzai! banzai!"

the japanese removed his brief and about to have sex

when japayuki saw his bird and shouted. "bonsai! bonsai!"

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Joke # 614

Mike: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy?

Jun: Sinipa yung punso!

Mike: Eh, bakit lumaki naman yung nguso ni Fe?

Jun: Dinuraan yung punso...O pare saan ka pupunta?

Mike: Iihi sa punso!

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Joke # 615

Nung bata ako, tuwing may kasal lagi ako tinutukso nila lolo't lola "uuy, sya na susunod...."



Tumigil lang sila nung may ililibing at tinukso ko sila ng , "uuy, sila na susunod"




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

magwayen02
31st Mar 2011, 09:29
10 questi0ns w/o answers :


1.does jenifer
Love hewitt ?


2.wer did rachelLe
anne go ?


3.why is norman
bLack & redford
white?welL then
is chris brown?




4.wer did
sandara park?


5.is chow yun
fat ?


6.what did
henry sy ?


7.did jordan
sparks ?


8.wen wilL
orlando blo0m ?


9.wat is
victoria's secret ?


10.what does
David co0k ?

i really dont know
the answers en im
sure wilma doesnt hehe :)

t700_825
31st Mar 2011, 19:00
Joke # 616

DICTIONARY AGAIN

Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know! - Huwag Mo Kong Gawing Tanga!

You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, Tanga!

Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan

Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga

Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit

Hurt So Good - Array, ang Sarrap!

Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso

I Left My Heart In San Francisco - Walang akong Puso ngayon

King And Queen Of Hearts - Tong-itan at pusuyan!

Pretty Woman - AKO yun o kaya'y di ikaw yun!

Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas! Barabas!

Power Of Love - Buntis

How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim ang sa iyo

Three Times A Lady - Super Bakla

More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)

Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon

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Joke # 617

A blonde walks into a bar and looks around. There is no pool table, no dart board, no juice box. She asked the bar tender,"What do you guys do for fun around here."

The bar tender picks up a bat a walks over to an ape in the coner of the room. He hits it over the head and it goes crazy. It jumps all over the place. Then it runs to the bar tender and gives him a blow job. After the bar tender cleaned up the mess he started to hand the bat to the blond. He said," you want to give it a try."

The blond looks at him and goes," Ok just don't hit me too hard!"

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Joke # 618

ONE DAY, PRESS.ERAP IS HAVING ONE OF HIS PRESS CONFERENCES.

WHILE THEY WERE ON A BRAKE, HE WENT BACK TO HIS OFFICE AND DECIDED TO RELAX, AND TO HIS SURPRSIE, THE FIRST LADY, PAID HIM A VISIT IN HIS OFFICE.

FIRST LADY: ERAP,MERON AKONG SURPRISE SA IYO.

ERAP: TALAGA! ANO YON SWEETHEART?

FIRST LADY: NAGPATATO AKO NG IYONG INITIALS J. E. (JOSEPH ESTRADA)

ERAP: TALAGA SWEETHEART, SAAN?

THE FIRST LADY, LIFT UP HER SKIRT AND PULL HER UNDERWEAR DOWN AND BEND OVER, AND THE J. E. INITIALS WERE TATTOOD IN THE FIRST LADIES BUTT CHEEKS, INITIAL J ON THE LEFT CHEEKS AND E ON THE RIGHT CHEEKS.

ERAP WAS VERY SURPRISE AND PUZZLED, AND HE ASK HIS WIFE.

ERAP: SINO SI JOE?

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Joke # 619

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Joke # 620

Sumakay sa taksi ang isang seksing babae. Hindi sinabi ni seksi na wala siyang dalang pera.

Nang makarating sa paroroonan, itinaas ni seksi ang kanyang palda. Wala siyang panty.

Bumukaka si seksi at nag-hello ang kanyang pekpek.
Sinabihan ni seksi ang taxi driver, “Eto ang bayad ko…”

Sagot ng taxi driver, “Wala bang mas maliit diyan? Anlaki naman. Wala akong panukli, eh.”

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Joke # 621

Bumili ng condom ang isang lalaki.


Tanong ng saleslady, “Ano’ng size?”

Sagot ng lalaki, “Small.”

Ubos na ang “small size” kaya “medium size” ang ibinigay ng saleslady, sabay sabi, “Isukat mo, sir.”

Pagkalipas ng limang minuto, nagsalita ang lalaki, “Miss, maluwag.”

Hirit ng saleslady, “Sige lang! Uso ngayon ang hiphop!”


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Joke # 622

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?








A: 15 minutes of silence.

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Joke # 623

It was the talk of the town town when 80-year-old Juan married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the the old man. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep fit and keep that old motor running."

The following year wife gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You
really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "Like I said last year, you've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be
quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's
black."

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Joke # 624

IPAGTATAPAT:

PARE 1:may ipagtatapat ako sayo pare,piro atin-atin lang ito ha?

PARE 2:ano yun??

PARE 1:may problima ako pare,kasi habang nagsesex kami ng misis ko bigla na lang lumalambot ang ari ko at ayaw ng tumigas.ano kaya ang sakit ko pare?

PARE2 naku!!dilikado na yang sakit mo pare,malala na yan, kailangan mo ng magpatingin sa doctor.

PARE 1:bakit??ano ba ang sakit ko pare??

PARE 2:sa utak!!

PARE 1:utak bakit????

PARE 2:wala ka namang asawa eh!!!!!

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Joke # 625

ACCOUNTING TRANSLATION ENGLISH-TAGALOG

DATA ENTRY = Date muna bago pasok

ADJUSTING ENTRY = Hinanap muna bago pinasok

DEBIT ENTRY = Pinasok

CREDIT ENTRY = Hinugot

WRONG ENTRY = Napasok sa puwit

ACCOUNTING ENTRY = Pagbilang ng pasok

OFFSETTING ENTRY = Pasok-Hugot-Pasok-Hugot

CLOSING ENTRY = Panghuling pasok

BALANCING ENTRY = Babae and nasa ibabaw

BALANCE SHEET = Kumot/o sapin para sa Balancing Entry

MONTH END CLOSING = Meron

LOSS = Nilabasan ang lalaki

PROFIT = Napunta sa babae

INTEREST = Nabuo

INTEREST EARNED NOT COLLECTED = Nabuo pero di pa
nanganganak

TRIAL BALANCE = Sa ibabaw and babae pero di pa pinapasok

BALANCE FORWARDED = Sa ibabaw and babae pero pinasok na

CLOSING BALANCE = Sinara na ang zipper

ZERO BALANCE = Malambot na

LIQUIDATION = Gumamit ng pampadulas

BANKRUPTCY = Ayaw nang labasan

CONSOLIDATION = Sabay nilabasan




PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

xzyl08
31st Mar 2011, 19:19
nice jokes Ts :) hehe

t700_825
1st Apr 2011, 07:55
nice jokes Ts :) hehe

Ok poh,.pahit naman ng thanks,.hehe,.

Joke # 626

Nagpahula ang mag-ina kay Madam Auring....

Madam Auring: Bukas mamamatay ang anak mo sa apoy at bato.

Mag-ina: Naku! Umuwi na tayo at mag-ingat tayo, baka pa tayo maaksidente.

Kinabukasan. Galit na galit ang ina, pinuntahan niya ang manghuhula.

Sabi ng ina: Sabi mo mamamatay ang anak ko sa apoy at bato, bakit nasagasaan?

Madam Auring: Huminahon ka, puntahan natin ang lugar ng aksidente.

Pinuntahan nga nila.

Madam Auring: Sabi ko na nga ba at mamamatay siya sa apoy at bato.

Ina: Ano? Nakikita mo bang nasagasaan siya, tapos sasabihin mong apoy at bato?

Madam Auring: Tingnan mo nga ang gulong na nakasagasa: FIRESTONE!!!

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Joke # 627

Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?




A: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear.

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Joke # 628

Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki?


A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.

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Joke # 629

"Darling, ni-rape ako ng gorilya sa bundok!" hangos na sumbong ng asawang babae.

"Walanghiyang gorilya `yon, teka nga!" sigaw ng lalaki sabay layas para umakyat sa bundok.

Pagkalipas ng isang oras, bumalik ang lalaki.

"Naipaghiganti na kita, Darling," sabi ng lalaki.

"Napatay mo na `yung gorilya?" tanong ng babae.

"Hindi, Darling, ni-rape ko rin `yung asawa niya!"

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Joke # 630

minsan
puro ako
biro...





laging parang
naka drugs...





lagi nalang
nakatawa...





pero sana
paniwalaan
mo...






seryoso
ako pag
sinabi ko






ako magliligtas sa mundo













DARNA!!!

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Joke # 631


bkt ang tao
mnsan nalilito??


mnsan nliligaw??
bkt??

san ba xa dpt pmunta?



sa taong mhal nya???


o sa taong mhal xa???


kung kaw kea?Huh??





san ka puntaH???









aKO Magdodota na lang ako... :p

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Joke # 632

madaling sabihin
na mahal mo
ang isang tao
kahit hindi
naman totoo





simpleng
iluvu tapos
send ng
kowts...





pero merong
mahirap...





ang kumain ng
saging...






na kasinlaki
nila B1 at B2!

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Joke # 633

isipin mo
palagi ako
nandito
sa likod
mo





mahulog
ka man
sa hukay
wag ka
matakot
dahil
di ka
nagiisa




hindi man
kita
makayang
hilahin
pataas






kaya ko naman sumigaw ng
" help! look oh, nahulog sya! so engot kasi!"

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Joke # 634

sa lahat
ng kowt





eto ang
pinakapamatay
na kowt...




























BANG!!!

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Joke # 635

dey say




"early
birds
catches
the
worm"




cla na lang



d naman ako
kumakain
ng worm eh...






tulog
ulit
ako...







ggcng n lang
ako pag chicken na ulam!!!

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Joke # 636

baket
gnon?




ginawa ko
na lahat




nagpakatanga!







nagpakapagod!!!

ng dahil lang sa kanya!




...pero




grabe!




d ko talaga mahuli yung langaw...

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Joke # 637

Sa isang araw, nag-uusap ang magkumpareng Temyong at Enteng.

Temyong: Pare, matanda na ako pero hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin akong anak na lalaki.

Enteng: Bibigyan kita ng "TIP" pare kung papaano magkakaroon ng anak na lalaki.

Temyong: Sige nga pare dahil sabik na sabik na akong magkaroon ng anak na lalaki.

Enteng: Ganito 'yon, pagkatapos n'yong "magmahalan" kay Kumare, kapag "bumaba ka raw sa kanan", babae ang magiging anak mo at kapag "bumaba ka raw sa kaliwa", ito raw ay lalaki naman.

Temyong: Kaya pala puro mga "bakla" at "tomboy" ang mga anak ko pare dahil palagi akong "bumababa sa gitna".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 638

Emcee: What’s the big problem facing the country today?

Contestant: Drugs

Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?

Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 639

Funny Posters

posted outside a house
HOUSE FOR RENT, FULLY FURNACED

posted at a construction site
BAWAL OMEHI DITO, ANG MAHOLE BOG-BOG

in a restaurant in cebu
WE HAB SOP-DRINK IN CAN AN IN BATOL

in a supermarket
FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE

in a building in cubao
NONE ID,NOTHING ENTRY

on a glass window of a photography shop
WE SHOOT YOU, WHILE YOU WAIT

outside a shoe store
WE SELL IMPORTED ROBBER SHOES

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 640

Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?

Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.

JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?

Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!

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Joke # 641

sometimes
you smile
to hide the
pain,


sometimes
you intend
to laugh
to cover
the hurt



whether
you smile
or laugh
you can
never
hide wat
you feel
inside



take
imodium



one doze
one hour
LBM ay tapos!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 642

sabi saken ng mga magulang ko...



























saken sinabi bakit ko sasabihin sayo?!
hehe!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 643

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.



A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
1st Apr 2011, 18:00
Joke # 644

Ine-examin nung Doktor yung isang pasyente sa Mental Hospital sa pamamagitan ng tanong at sagot. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong unang gagawin?"

Sagot nung pasyente, "Titiradorin ko po ang buwan!"

Wika nung Doktor, "Ikaw ay hindi pa pwedeng palabasin. E-examinin ulit kita sa paglipas ng anim na buwan."

Pagkaraan ng anim na buwan, muling inexamin nung Doktor yung pasyente. Tanong nung Doktor, "Kung ikaw ay palabasin ngayon sa ospital, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente. "Doktor, ako'y magaling na.
Pagkalabas ko po sa ospital, ako po ay hahanap ng trabaho upang mamuhay ng mag-isa."

Muling nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagnakahanap ka ng trabaho, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, ako po ay manliligaw ng isang mabait, masipag at magandang babaeng pwede kong makakapiling na pang habang buhay."

Gulat ang Doktor! Mukhang matino na ang kaniyang pasyente!

Muli pang nagtanong ang Doktor, "Pagkatapos niyong makasal, ano ang iyong gagawin?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Aba, Doktor, kami po ay mag-hahanimun!"

Bilib na naman ang Doktor. Tanong ulit ng Doktor, "Ano ang iyong gagawin sa inyong hanimun?"

Sagot ng pasyente, "Doktor, huhubarin ko po ang blusa at palda ng aking bagong asawa."

"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor.

"Pagkatapos...", sabi ng pasyente, "huhubarin ko ang kaniyang bra at panty".

"Pagkatapos..." tanong ng Doktor.

"Pagkatapos..." sabi ng pasyente, "kukunin ko lahat ng lastiko sa bra at panty at titiradorin ko ang buwan!"

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Joke # 645

Headline News:

D radiation
in Japan

s now in
d Phil.

it will
have a
great
impact
in d
atmsphere


n d wind
will burst

and then
it will
go 2 d
green fields

den suddenly...



poof!!.....



it became koko crunch!!!

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Joke # 646

Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer: Ok

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No

Tech Support: Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’

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Joke # 647

A guy runs into a childhood pal.

"Hey, long time no see, what are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Really!? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house so your kid can practice. The hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"So, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are Exotic Dancers!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 648

Ako ay may lobo (Gay Version)

AKETCH AY MAY LOBING
NAGFLYLALU SA HEAVEN
DI KO NA NA-SIGHTING

NAGEXPLODE NA PLA
SAYANG LNG ANDA KO
PINAMBILI NG LOBING

KUNG LAFANG PA SNA
NABUSOG PA AKETCH

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Joke # 649

Baby:
1st MONTH: He said, "MAMA".

2nd MONTH: He said, "PAPA".

3rd MONTH: He said, "DEDE, YAYA".

4th MONTH: He said, "MAMA, PAPA DEDE YAYA!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 650

A boy pulled down his pants in front of a girl and said

"do you have this?"

the girl lifted up her skirt and answered

" my mom said with this, i can have as many of those as i want!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 651

Property laws of a toddler

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 652

Sarah, the sexy secretary, walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Sarah, honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile..."

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Joke # 653

behind your smile,

i know there are sorrows.

behind you laughter,

i know there are tears..

and i want you to know that behind you is your...
































pwet!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 654

d
most
painful
thing

dat
a
guy
cud

do
2his
girl
is

sit
wid
his
friends

and say
"pare,
look at her,
paniwalang paniwala

cyang
lalake
ako!"
damn pare!
d nya alam kaw mahal ko!
bruha cya!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 655

u can
nver
change
d past
nor
control
d
future
but
u
can
change
d
mood
of d
day
by
touching
sum1's


"private organ"


"the heart!"


hulsum to noh!


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:







PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

ngongi9
2nd Apr 2011, 07:00
astig j0kes m0 ts... Tawa aq ng tawa,hahaha..

t700_825
2nd Apr 2011, 08:44
astig j0kes m0 ts... Tawa aq ng tawa,hahaha..

Hehe,.:thumbsup: ba?,.Eto nanaman...

Joke # 656

Q: What COFFEE causes Breast Cancer?
A: KAPEpisil

Q: what COFFEE causes Breast Lumps?
A: KAPEpindot

Q: What COFFEE causes Vaginal Irritation?
A: KAPEpinger,

SO AVOID COFFEE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 657

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...

Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!

Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!

Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

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Joke # 658

Sometimes we fall in love in the wrong place




at the wrong time





with the wrong person






for the wrong reason.






pwede na,






kaysa natatae ka





at the wrong place





at the wrong time





wala pang tissue!!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 659

Washing Machine

May isang probinsyana na pumasok bilang katulong sa maynila.

Amo: Inday maglaba ka na kc tambak na ang labahan dyan.
Ka2long: Yis mam! Saan po ako maglalaba mam?
Amo: Dyan sa washing machine...
Ka2long: Ok mam...

Makalips ang kalhating oras hinanap ng amo ang katulong nya hindi na makita...

Amo: Inday! Inday! nasaan ka na?

Sumagot ang katulong...

Ka2long: Mam d2 po ako nag lalaba sa loob ng washing machine...

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Joke # 660

hindi
dahil
may
naramdaman lang
tau
para
sa 1 tao
e luv na un..
mahirap
magpadalosdalos
sa pag-ibig..
kung ikaw
nasaktan
dahil
sa laro
ng damdamin
pano
pa kaya
un
taong
nasaktan
sa larong





















wrestling?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 661

BAwAl MagMUra

Isang araw pagkatapos mag-sermon ng pari sa mga taong bayan..lumapit sa kanya si Alvin

Alvin:anak ng teteng,putng-ina ang ganda ng sermon nyo padre..

Padre:Alvin huwag ka namang nag-mumura alam mo namang masama yan ehh...

Alvin:pasensya na padre...pero sa ganda ng sermon ny'o nag-donate ako ng 1 million...

Padre:Putang-ina 1 million salamat ha...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 662

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.

So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.
He points to his eye, meaning, "I",
then at his knee, meaning, "need",
then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods then drops his pants begin to masturbate and moan.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling,

"What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something?

I was saying that I needed a handsaw!"

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says,

"I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

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Joke # 663

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA
from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize"
their names.


Bu, called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

Fu decided to return to China.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 664

ROOSTERS


Q. Why don't roosters have hands?

A. Because chickens don't have boobs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 665

cmuLa nUng bAtA akO...


mArAmiNg bAgAy aNg nAbAgO...


ugaLi...


kAibigaN...


perO 1 bAgAy Lng aNg hNdi...


aLm mO kNg anO uN??









FISHBALL...


P 0.50 pA riN..

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Joke # 666

May isang lalaki, umihi sa pader...


...nang biglang kumidlat.......


Napasigaw ang lalaki-

"PANGINOON KO!!!!

WAG MO PONG IPADEVELOP,


SUPOT PA AKO!"

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Joke # 667

if youre ears itch, someone is thinking of you..

if youre eyes itch, someone wants to see you..

if youre lips itch, someone is dying to kiss you

if youre entire body itches.. hehehe













ano akala mo?? ligo ka na oi...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 668

Kapag iniwan ka ng mahal mo




Huwag kang lumuha




Sa halip magsaya at sabihin...




simula ng iniwan mo ako...





















"my skin is firmer. my pores are smaller and my lines parang nawala"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 669

alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit??






















kasi


bawal ka dun!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 670

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE.... you know, young, urban, professional."

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK.... you know, double income, no kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB... you know, rich urban biker."

They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?", and she replies "I'm a WIFE... you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

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Joke # 671

Pick up lines with replies

I know how to please a woman.
--Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
--Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

May I see you pretty soon?
--Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Your hair color is fabulous.
--Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
--Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
--Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
--Do not enter. or Stop.

I'd go through anything for you.
--Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
--You've just had it.

I would go to the end of the world for you.
--Yes, but would you stay there?

Your place or mine?
--Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
--Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
--Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
--What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
--Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
--If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.

:thumbsup: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
2nd Apr 2011, 16:23
Joke # 672

hanggang
san
ba
nasusukat
ang
pagibig?
hanggang
san
ba
napapatunayan
ang
pagmamahal?
sapat na
bang ipaglaban
mo ito
o
dapat nalang
sumuko?
hindi ko
alam
pero dapat
tandaan mo
wag kang tatakbo
pag may
aso.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 673

naranasan
mo nb
magmahal ng
PILAY?



hirap
db?



sakit ng ulo
kaka highblood
kaka asar
pero naranasan
mo nb
mahalin ng
PILAY?


sarap
db?


lalo na
pag
naghahabulan keo



d ka nya
mahabol!
wohoo!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 674

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked
upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer
looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked the car ?"

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" ....motioned the monkey.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 675

isang lolo ang nagpacheck-up sa doktor..

doktor: lo, di po kayo pwedeng kumain ng anumang lamang loob

lolo: putangina! sardinas na nga lang ang ulam ko arwa-araw. kundi ang akin ay lata na lang...punyeta..

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Joke # 676

'gusto mo ng trabaho'?


1. trabaho sa PLDT, 10,000 per day. Ikaw yung
dial-tone.

2. trabaho sa DPWH, 10,000 per day. Ikaw yung
speed bump.

3. trabaho sa post office, 10,000/day. Ikaw taga-
dikit ng selyo.

4. sa nestle-magnolia,P10,000/day. Ikaw yung
kukunan ng gatas para sa
ice cream!

5. sa enchanted, P50000 a day. Ikaw yung
magtutulak ng anchors away at
taga-ikot ng ferris wheel!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 677

E-mail from God:

You can see links before reply

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 678

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go
to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors,
with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only
rule was, once
you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man
from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to
leave the place,
never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find
some husbands...



First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love
kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having
a job or not
loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they
went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I
wonder what's
further up?"


Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said
the women,
Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up
they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying
jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong romantic
streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must
be awaiting us
further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists
only to prove
that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your
left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 679

MGA BIYAYA NA NAKUKUHA MULA SA GULAY:


AMPALAYA - Pampapula ng dugo.

KALABASA - Pampalinaw ng mata.

TALONG - Pampatirik ng mata.

MANI - Pampatirik ng TALONG!

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Joke # 680

HERE'S THIS GIRL IN A DISCO WHO WALKS TO A MAN AND ASKS:

GIRL: Marunong ka bang mag-SWING?

At this point, yumabang ang guy and says-

GUY: Bakit, mukha ba akong Dance Instructor?

GIRL: Hinde, mukha ka kasing UNGGOY!!

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Joke # 681

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

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Joke # 682

teacher: john! use FACT 3 times in a sentence.

john thinks.. very hard...

john: ma'm! as a matter of FACT... a bird can not fly wid out FACT FACT..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 683

"hindi ka nababagay dito!!!

dun ka nababagay sa mga taong palara!!!

sa mga taong nakahiga sa pera!!!"

-- robin padilla









"witchil kez najojogay ditrax!!

donchemas kez najojogay sa mga jutawsterz na sholarey!!!

sa mga jutaw na naka jigazterz sa adez!!!"

-- rustom padilla


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 684

don't make the same mistake twice..





















madami pang kasalanan jan, try mo ung iba.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 685

Kung
bbgyan
ka ng
pgkakataon
na mging
"artista"
ano ka?

































SiNUSWERTE??


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :thumbsup: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
3rd Apr 2011, 08:45
Joke # 686

as i watched
d ants
crawl
upon d
wall,
i noticed
dat no
matter how
busy dey r
dey stil
stop and
communicate




i hope
we could
be lyk d
ANTS






nakakalakad
sa walls!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 687

Lst Nyt i dRmd
dT
i ws
dEd

& wnt 2 heavn


God
askd
me

"nw dt uR hir,wt dO u
riLy miS N ur wOrLD?"

tiRs
fEL
n my Eyes
& sEd:









"rEdhOrSe pOh. Un pOng
mLamiG.

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Joke # 688

F sum1
tels u iLoveu..


dnt sAy..
iloveyou too..


jaz Luk at hm
& grab hs shirt


& sAy..


AStig mo ah!..
bKt My ipApakain
knb b skn?!!!.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 689

the






BENCH....



































chi coDe!!!!


The BENCHI CODE!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 690

DALAWANG UNANO:

Dalawang unano, nag-goodtime sa Bocaue.

They are having a time of their life at Beer Gardens and Karaoke bars and they capped the fun with 'companions' for the rest of the night.

Kumuha sila ng magkatabing kuwarto sa motel room.

Iyong isa disappointed dahil hindi siya 'tigasan'. Kahit anong concentrate ang gawin niya ay wala parin.
Lalong lumaki ang disappointment niya dahil naririnig ang nasa kabilang kuwarto na bumibilang ....ISA .....DALAWA...... TATLO......UMMPPP sa boung magdamag.

Kinabukasan, sa kanilang pag-uusap: "Disappointed ako dahil kahit anong gawin ko hindi ako tigasan."
"Eh, di mas lalo na ako, HINDI AKO MAKASAMPA SA KAMA."

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Joke # 691

Healing Power

One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''

So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.

The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.

The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''

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Joke # 692

hrap mgsb ng "sori"

hrap mgsb ng "mhl kita"


hrap mgsb ng "kailngn kita"


pro nlmn q..


pnkmhrap plng svhn ung..













"ruler roller lower"
ng 10 tyms, promiz..try mo!

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Joke # 693

Dumb Bank Robbers


A gang of not-to-smart robbers decided that they were gonna rob a bank for

some cash.


So they set about the day planning the whole execution and timing

and the place at midnight. When midnight came the group went to the bank and

broke in through the roof.


They stopped the alarm and went to the safe. The safe

was blown open and they all stepped inside. Among them were thousands of

safety deposit boxes. The robbers used a crowbars and started to crack open the

boxes.


One robber exclaimed "There's no money only, some pudding!". Another

robber said "Yeah, there's none in mine either!" until finally they cracked all the

boxes and all they found was pudding. So they said "Aw this sux, but let's at least

eat before we leave." So with that they ate all the pudding and went home.


The next morning on the news the headline was "WORLD'S LARGEST SPERM BANK HAS

JUST BEEN ROBBED!"

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Joke # 694

magasawa

zero04 : pare tang ina sinungaling asawa ko...

zero8 : pare pano mo na sabi n cnongaling asawa mo...

zero4 : pare sabi nya kagabi sa ate ninya daw sya ma22log..

zero8 : yung naman pla ehh pano naging cno ngaling asawa mo dun...sa ate nmn ninya sya n2log.....


zero4 : pare cnongaling talaga sya ehh.....ako katabi ng ate niya kagabi ehhh.....

zero8: waaaaahhhhh tang ina mo uu nga cnongaling nga wahahahah

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Joke # 695

isang
lasing
ang
makakita
ng madre,



biglang

sinuntok

tinadyakan,

at binalibag..




bugbog
sarado
ang
madre,



tapos



tumawa
ang
lasing
at
sinabi:






"wala
ka palang
binatbat



BATMAN...

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Joke # 696

How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower)

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.



How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

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Joke # 697

mahirap idaan
sa wlang kibo
mahirap idaan
sa wlang salita
mahirap idaan
sa pagiyak



kung mahal
mo cya




bakit d
mo sabihin




malay mo?







aba malay ko rin!

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Joke # 698

may sasabihin
ako sayo







kaso baka
mabigla
ka eh







alam ko masyado
pa maaga
para aminin ko






pero hindi ko
na talaga
mapigilan ang
nararamdaman ko






kaya kelangan
ko na ilabas to










"GUSTO KITA..."











...bigyan ng bingo!

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Joke # 699

wn u r
n deepest
trial &
alone
go
walk
n d
road
frnds
myt not
b dr
4u
bt im
sure as
u go
on
ul meet
a prson
u dnt
xpct
& wil
ask
u







"balot?
tatlo,bente."

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Joke # 700

A SAD STORY:
a
little
boy
was
so
jealous
of
his
new
born
brother...
so
he
put
poison
on
d
nipple
of
his
mother...
the
next
day...




their
driver
died...




sad noh??



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

dexter097
3rd Apr 2011, 09:16
TS nakakasawa na ilike lahat ng post, dapat automatic na pagnagbasa ako like agad :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Nice one TS di nakakasawa magbasa :clap:

zhanewhin
3rd Apr 2011, 11:12
hahahaha
thanks for sharing ..
Ang daming jokes
ang dami ko ring tawa !
Haha

kagilagilalas
3rd Apr 2011, 12:20
salamat dito sir.. na hit ko na thanks... hehehe

eumir
3rd Apr 2011, 13:54
ayus to ts.. hehehe !

t700_825
3rd Apr 2011, 15:54
TS nakakasawa na ilike lahat ng post, dapat automatic na pagnagbasa ako like agad :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Nice one TS di nakakasawa magbasa :clap:

Haha.,ganun,.automatic,.kaw talaga sir,.hehe,.


hahahaha
thanks for sharing ..
Ang daming jokes
ang dami ko ring tawa !
Haha


salamat dito sir.. na hit ko na thanks... hehehe


ayus to ts.. hehehe !

Thanks,.i'll keep posting,.

xtn_311
3rd Apr 2011, 19:41
uy anong bago?! ;)

t700_825
3rd Apr 2011, 20:20
uy anong bago?! ;)

Hehe,.eto boss,.

Joke # 701

ang luv parang ngipin
minsan duguan minsan masakit

prang utot din yan minsan
nalilihim,minsan bunyag

pero higit sa lahat
ang lab ay parang kulangot



di mo malalaman kung masarap
kung hindi mo titikman!!!

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Joke # 702

wat if 1 day napadaan ka sa tambayan
ng CRUSH mo
nginitian ka nya
nagtinginan mga
tropa nia
dahil sumabay sya sayo
sabay sabing





cute,
may tagos ka!!!

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Joke # 703

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to Saint Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"And?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

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Joke # 704

Boy: nay kelan po tayo bibili ng barko?

Nanay : malapit na anak

Boy : eh kelan po?

Nanay : pag nakabili na tayo ng dagat...

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Joke # 705

sa panaginip ko
naglalaro tayo
sa tabing dagat...



bigla ka nalng
kinuha ng
malaking alon.

umiyak ako
sumigaw,
"Loko kang
alon ka"!



"anong kala mo sa
kalaro ko? TAE?!?!?

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Joke # 706

God gave me a gift...




wrapped in glitterin gold


much to my surprise...



when i opened it


i found you!!!



sabe ko..




"si God talaga!"



"April pa lang
trick or treat na!"

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Joke # 707

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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Joke # 708

Erap writing a request letter to order 2 geese.


"I would like to order 2 gooses."

Mali yata.

"I would like to order 2 geeses."

Mali rin yata. Ito na lang...

Dear Sir,

I would like to order 1 goose.
Thank you very much.

P.S. Please add 1 goose.

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Joke # 709

ur the
reason
why
i cry
at nyt



ur the
reason
why
i hug
my
pillow
tyt



ur the
reason
why
i cant
sleep



ur the
reason
why
i pray
and say



"lord,



may aswang.."

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Joke # 710

In the forest, bella saw edward's body shimmer as it has been hit by the sun...



bella: i know what you are...


edward: say it, say it out loud, say it...



bella: BADING!!! Puro ka foundation sa mukha tapos ngayun may glitters ka pa sa katawan?! gayness k tlga!!

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Joke # 711

in hell. .




































eks hell. .

in hell. .

eks hell!

iksirsays ba. .

Pra s0megla!

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Joke # 712

may mga
bagay sa mundo..



may mga tao rin..



may mga hayop
pa nga eh..


tsaka halaman..
hehehe..

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Joke # 713

Sabi ng ngongong pasahero sa bus, "Mama, mara lang a tami!"

Hindi huminto ang bus.

"Mama, mara!" sabi ng ngongong pasahero.

Tuluy-tuloy pa rin ang bus.

"MAMA! INAMI NANG MARA, EH!" sigaw ng ngongong pasahero.

Tumigil ang bus. Paliwanag ng driver, "Ori, a! Aaala o, niloloo mo lang ao, e!"

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Joke # 714

pag
nagalit
sayo
ang
minamahal
mo
at
ayaw
tumigil
sa
kakasumbat
sayo


wag
ka
magalit


yakapin
mo
cya


at
ibulong
mo
sa
kanya
na



kulang ka na naman sa bugbog no?
mamya ka...

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Joke # 715

nAng unA kitAng mAkitA...

































xEmprE..



hNdi pA kitA kiLaLa..


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

fberyljean
3rd Apr 2011, 22:32
hahaha..:rofl:
galing m0 Ts..:thumbsup:

t700_825
4th Apr 2011, 06:08
Joke # 716

sabe nila,
love makes
ur heart
beat fast




ur body feel
flushed with
exitement


and ur
mind go
around in
circles...




love kaya
yon?!



o gutom lang?

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Joke # 717

SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:


1) birds of the same feather are the same birds.


2) do not do unto others u can't do


3) an apple a day is not an apple at night


4) when the cat is away the mouse is lonely


5) if others can, DON'T HELP!!


6) tell me who ur friends are & i'll tell u mine.


7) early to bed & early to rise makes u sleepy in the afternoon.


8) ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim,
ang ilog na maingay, may NAGLALABA!!!

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Joke # 718

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


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Joke # 719

sa buhay natin
maraming
pagsubok






may ulan
at meron
ding unos




kaya tandaan mo




payong ang dalhin mo



wag kapote!



ano ka
grade 2???!

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Joke # 720

ALL ABOUT INDAY


"much as i want to indulge in the proliferation of such indecent and malicious information, i want to lift the stigma and alleviate society's perception of our profession."

- inday, tumatangging makipagtsismisan sa katulong sa kabilang bahay




"don't limit my capacity in the four corners of this luxurious abode. expose me to the real challenges of the outside world. i want to grow as an individual with dynamic experiences."

- inday, nagrereklamo kasi ayaw syang isama sa enchanted kingdom



" a change in the weather patterns might have occured causing havoc to the affected surroundings.. the way debris are scattered indicated that the gust of wind is going northeast.. causing damage to the path it is going.."

- sagot ni inday sa amo nung tinanong kung bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay



"It is in mistakes that we learn how to grow to be better individuals. You may judge me for what you see but it is not my mistakes that determines who i am but it is what i do to make it right."

- sabi ni inday nung nakabasag sya ng pinggan...



"I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons, has my emptiness made itself manifests, extending to that niche where I was given life and growth, that because of austerity I was made separated from…"

- Inday… hindi makatulog dahil nahohomesick



I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber, though the downpour of rain should've made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue I have for you, cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what I feel for you is inevitable. This isn't platonic. It's real, true romance."

- Inday, nageemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si Dodong, ang boyfriend niya.




"The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"

- ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ng kapitbahay)



“La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?

- si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo sa España



"we have to remember, that in every decision we make, there are going to be consequences. Some choices are ahrder to make, but they must be made..i hope you understand"

--nagpapaalam si inday sa mga amo nya kasi balik-aral n xa sa province nila



" The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, d figure that she just carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart.. the place where love resides.."

- sabi ni inday sa type nyang anak ng amo nya..



" I tried my best to make it up to you, but you didnt care.. now that im gone, you want me to come back 4 u?! You should've woke up earlier to see me.."

- sabi ng magtataho kay inday..



"Guys, I’m sorry for not telling you… I’ll be leaving soon… I’m having my despedida party tonight, 13th of October at the HipHop VIP Lounge, Embassy, The Fort… I just invited a few friends, so your presence will be greatly appreciated.

"Open bar by 10:00 PM. See you all! Mwah!!!"

… Text ni INDAY sa friends niya, pauwi kasi siya ng probinsya

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Joke # 721

naranasan
mo na bang
mag-isa?














tipong iniwan
ka
ng lahat?











mabalewala
















naloko
ka na ba?

















nadukutan?
















nabugbog sa
daan?

















nasunugan?























naputulan ng ilaw?


















nanakawan?























ang malas mo naman.. heheh..

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Joke # 722

Pinoy Talaga!
Somewhere in the Persian Gulf . . .

“Isang araw,pagod na pagod ako sa aking trabaho. Nagpunta ako sa shop para magpahinga. I opened the ref, ”’Langya someone stole my Coke…” So inutusan ko ang isa kong tao..tinagalog ko na sya dahil Pinoy din...sabi ko, “May nagnakaw ng Coke ko...Paki kuha mo na lang ako ng instant tea sa mess hall.”

“Yes boss,” sabi niya.

Hintay ako ng hintay ang tagal bumalik - so nanood muna ako ng tv. Nung bumalik siya, reklamo siya ng reklamo, mayroon siyang buhat-buhat and -

sabi nya -

”Bossing, ang bigat-bigat nitong 'istante'!!”

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Joke # 723

Bkt
gnun
ang
pgibig?

kylngan



msaktn



mgprya



mgpcnsya



mgpl0k0




nk2bulag



mnsan 2l0y
naicp k0





ayw k0 n s PAG-IBIG!


Philhealth
n lng!

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Joke # 724

alam kong maraming problema sa mundo...

alam kong naguguluhan ka sa mga bagay-bagay...

pero alam mo rin na kaibigan mo ako...

kaya't nais kong bigyan ng solusyon...

ang isa sa mga gumugulo sa isip mo...

alam kong mapapanatag ka sa sasabihin ko...

alam mo bang 54 ang butas ng skyflakes???

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Joke # 725

mAy nAkApAgsAbi
nA bA sAyOng
aNg cUtE mO??




kUng wLa pA..



































wLa tAuNg mAgAgAwA...



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
4th Apr 2011, 19:38
Joke # 726

if you want
to runaway
and you wana
get lost
coz
everything
seems
to be
a mess...
juz call me sa PLDT...




call me beybe beybe
beybe beybe beybe !

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Joke # 727

Gusto mong malaman ang wish ko?






Sana, isang araw,

paggising ko sa umaga,

ikaw ang una kong makita…

nakangiti sa akin

habang ibinubulong,



















"Señorita, eto na po ang kape ninyo. May ipag-uutos pa ba kayo?"

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Joke # 728

Mga prosti nagkwekwentuhan:

Prosti A - Alam nyo 1,500 lang kinita ko ngayun nakakainis

Prosti B - Buti ka nga naka 1,500 eh ako 800 lang eh, diba mas nakakainis yun

Prosti C - Hoy malaki na yang 800 kumpara sa kinita kong 500, tiniis ko na nga
lang kahit pangit yung katalik ko kumita lang eh, Eh ikaw prosti D,
may kinita kaba?

Prosti D - Wala nga eh, nagtsaga nalang ako sa Blow Job para may makain
lang.

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Joke # 729

Kinupkop nyo
ko ng
may pagmamahal



Ni hindi nagkulang
sa pagkain
at pag-alaga



Tpos...


Ipagpapalit
nyo lang pala
ang buhay
ko sa
Pera?...



--Hinanakit ng Baboy
sa sanlibutan

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 730

i had a dream bout you

i smiled and

recall the memories we had

then i noticed a tear fell from my

eyes

you know why?

coz in my dream












tinusok mo ng tingting mata ko...
salbahe ka talaga!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 731

Nung bata ako...




Simple lang pangarap ko...




Gusto ko lang yung Naka kurbata...
naka-uniform.....



pero kung magkaka-usap kami nung bata na yun, baka napagalitan na ko
at sabihin saking...



" BAKIT HINDI KA NAGING WAITER!?!? "

-bob ong

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 732

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.


Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,


"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......




A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 733

"Akala ko ba the more the merrier pero bakit galit ka kapag marami kami?"









--- Tagyawat

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 734

Tinanong ko ang lolo ko…

“masakit po ba talaga ang magmahal ng lubos??”

Ang sabi ni lolo,

"Apo, rich tayo.. ayos lang magmahal ang pulbos"


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Joke # 735

someone
asked
me


why do i
laugh



everytime
they say
your name?



i smiled
then
said...





"kasi yang taong
pinaguusapan nyo,





isang beses...





nahuli ko
kumakain ng
kulangot!!!

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Joke # 736

nangyari
na ba sayo yung




akala mo forget
mo na cya?




wala na


tapos na ang lahat



tapos one day



nagkita
kayo


ngumiti cya sayo



nasabi mo n lang








SHIT!!!









bungal na cya!!!

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Joke # 737

Sa pagmamahal, hindi tanong ‘yung, "Mahal mo ba talaga ako?"



O kaya, "Nag-iisa lang ba ako?"




Ang tanong talaga ay,






















"Ilang round ba ang kaya mo!?"

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Joke # 738

Ano ang sinabi ni Dr. Jose Rizal kay Inday?


RIZAL: Inday, ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay mas masahol pa sa malansang isda.


INDAY: Thank you for your wonderful word of wisdom, but don’t you know that I already read all your writings? Unfortunately, I was really disappointed because majority of them were written in Spanish. Therefore, you’re the ultimate violator of your own aphorism!


RIZAL: (nagtago uli sa puntod niya)

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Joke # 739

PaikOt-ikOt
lng ang mga
QuOtes!


pAsa d2,
pasA dun!

nbsa n nOOn,
mbbsa n nman
ngaun!

pwde bang
wg n lng
QuOtes
ang ipsa,


babae nman
pr msya!Ü
Hehehe..

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Joke # 740

msrap dw umibig..


my honey..


sweetie..


gummybears..


cupcake..


sugar..


at marshmallows pa!


hmmmmm..


msarap pla!


bkit my umiiyk p?


ahh.. cguro kc..


















sumkt ngpn nla! hehe..



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

jaye11
5th Apr 2011, 02:14
hahaha natawa talaga ko sa mga jokes dito :thumbsup:

jm_20
5th Apr 2011, 02:27
Pag may nag joke sau at hindi nkakatawa sabihin mo "ohh last n yn ha" ;-)

jm_20
5th Apr 2011, 02:31
May isang lalaking akala niya na crush siya ng isang sosyal at magandang babae… Ipinagmalaki pa niya ito sa kanyang mga kaklase… Boy 1:Uy! alam mo ba,crush ako ni Girl… Boy 2:Weh?Talaga!Pano mo nasabi? Boy 1:Sabi niya kasi HOT daw ako parang sili!!! Boy 2:Woah!Pano yung pagkasabi niya?! Boy 1:Sabi niya kasi sakin na“YOUR SO SILLY!!!”, dba?

t700_825
5th Apr 2011, 08:34
hahaha natawa talaga ko sa mga jokes dito :thumbsup:

Salamat,.hehe,.


Pag may nag joke sau at hindi nkakatawa sabihin mo "ohh last n yn ha" ;-)


May isang lalaking akala niya na crush siya ng isang sosyal at magandang babae… Ipinagmalaki pa niya ito sa kanyang mga kaklase… Boy 1:Uy! alam mo ba,crush ako ni Girl… Boy 2:Weh?Talaga!Pano mo nasabi? Boy 1:Sabi niya kasi HOT daw ako parang sili!!! Boy 2:Woah!Pano yung pagkasabi niya?! Boy 1:Sabi niya kasi sakin na“YOUR SO SILLY!!!”, dba?

Pwede,.pwede,.hehe,.thanks for sharing,.

Joke # 741

Love
is
unfair...
pag
mahal mo
ayaw
sayo
pero
eto
ang
mas
unfair...



kawawa
naman
yung...



okra...

kasi hindi cya kasama sa
kantang, "bahay Kubo"
gulay din naman cya diba?!

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Joke # 742

1
2
3




handa awit!





sampung mga
abnornal
nawala
ang
isa!!!
(,'')?
? hinanap ko
hinanap ko!!!




























kumakanta
pala!

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Joke # 743

grabe banggaan ng 2 jeep d2...



dami patay!



awa nga q sa 1 pasahero kahet putol n isang binti pilit p ring gmapang plapit s driver....




at nagsalita pa ha... sabi nia:









"Ma, sukli ng bente,
Estudyante."

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Joke # 744

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau





Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

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Joke # 745

How to catch a cheater:




WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE:"Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:"Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE:"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND:"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - -

HUSBAND: What the F...?

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Joke # 746

Sdyang
ky ingay
ng mundo,




lalo na
s mundo
ng gulo..




pr0 s oras n d m0 n kya ang ingay,




..Kuha k ng papel..(",)













ilista m0 ung mga n0isy..ü

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Joke # 747

PARE1: Uy pare, nanaginip ako kagabi, nadapa daw ako tapos nahalikan kita.

PARE2: STOP!!!!!!!!!!

PARE1: Bakit???









PARE2: Kinikilig ako eh,.hehe,.bading,.

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Joke # 748

BOY: Love, can i wedding you?

GIRL: hahahahahaha....!!

BOY: why? why is your laughing?

GIRL: haha! i will laughing because you is very wrong gramming

haha :lol:

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Joke # 749

F u luv
someone,
fight 4 it..

But f dat
someone
luvs
smebody
else,
be a
SOLDIER...


























KILL THEM BOTH!! :lmao:

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Joke # 750

"Hindi lang naman KARMA ang kinatatakutan ng mga two timers eh,...


..Kundi pati WRONG SEND.."

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Joke # 751

Tignan niyo dali!!!!!


Labas kayo!!






Look in the sky!!!





Bilis!!














Ano nakita mo?

Walang buwan ano..hehe.,

Natural, umaga na kaya! gising na jan!!

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Joke # 752

Joy: Kung may gustong mag-rape sa akin , talaga bang ipagtatanggol mo ako?

ROD: Siyempre

Joy: Paano kung dalawa sila?

ROD: Kahit pa.

JOY: Eh kung tatlo o apat?

ROD: Teka, ano ba talaga ang gusto mo, ang mamatay ako o ma-rape ka?

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Joke # 753

kpg iwn
b kta
hhbuln
m ko?
ssyngn m b
ors m pra lng
skn?


mlu2ngkt k
b dhl
iwn kta?


s tngn
q ndi e


kc nung
iwn kta
ang sb ko
"stay!"


sbi mo..



"arf-arf!"

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Joke # 754

Heaven, Lufa Infairness,
In in infairness
saksak heartness
flowing ang dugesh
patay, alive,
tsuge ka na dyan...





*mga batang bakla naglalaro ng langit at lupa...

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Joke # 755

Magician: Titigan mo ako, bibilang ako ng tatlo ako'y maglalaho sa iyong paningin..





Uno..





Dos..










Tres..


(sabay tusok sa dalawang mata ng tao at tumakbo!!!)

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
5th Apr 2011, 19:17
Joke # 756

a boy was caught
in d act undressing
her gf..


d gf's dad
said..


PUNYETA! anu
gngawa nio?!



boy en girl
said:



nagbubura ng
kalawang!

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Joke # 757

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! "

The blind man replies:

"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!

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Joke # 758

Ano'ng pangalan ni Jolina noong bata pa siya?

E di.... JOPOTPA!

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Joke # 759

Q: Ilang states meron ang US?

ERAP: 100

Nagtanong: Hindi. Mas mababa pa.

ERAP: (in lower voice) 100...

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Joke # 760

There was this guy named MARK. One night, he was
walking all alone sa
Balete Drive (e di ba, that road is infamous for
having ghosts daw,
white ladies and stuff??) Tapos sobrang dilim ng
paligid, walang
katao-tao...

tapos habang naglalakad siya, may narinig siyang
tumawag sa name
niya... "MARK! MARK! MARK!" Lumingon siya, pero,
WALANG TAO!!! Binilisan niya
yung lakad, tapos may tumatawag pa rin sa
kanya!!! "MARK! MARK! MARK!"
Lumingon siya pero WALA PA RIN!!! Tumakbo na siya
pero hinahabol pa rin
siya talaga ng boses! "MARK! MARK! MARK!"

When he got to the corner of Balete Drive and E.
Rodriguez (do these
roads even intersect? Anyway... ), he saw a large
sign, and written on
it, in LARGE BOLD LETTERS... "BEWARE... NGONGONG
ASO"

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Joke # 761

Pag mahal mo ang isang tao, ipaglaban mo siya hangga’t maaga pa.

Kasi…

pag gabi na…


baka tulog na siya, di ba?

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Joke # 762

An0
b Ang
X?

Un bnG
PnAiyk knA
pnAtwAd
m0 p?
BnbLwLA knA
hnhnP
m0 p?
nGmmhL n nG
ibA,minmhL
mp?









0 un bnG
Lintik n vriAbLE
n hnhanap Lgi sA
ALGEbrA?!Ü

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Joke # 763

Three men found a bottle and rubbed it. A genie
popped out and told them that he would grant them
one wish each.

The first man wished for a million dollars. He
got it.

The second man wished for a beautiful wife who
loved him unconditionally. Suddenly, a beautiful
woman appeared and they fell in love.

The third man wished for his dick to be so long
that it would touch the ground. So the genie
cut his legs off.

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Joke # 764

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.


Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

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Joke # 765

Marami ng nangyari sa buhay ko may masaya,


may malungkot,



may madali,


may mahirap


pero sa bawat pangyayari sa buhay ko



wala akong pinagsisihan



dahil lagi akong may natutunan



yun nga lang, puro kalokohan!

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Joke # 766

HAPPINESS is not found at the end of the road . . . it is experienced every time you make a sudden turn! WELCOME, ANITO LODGE!.

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Joke # 767

Ano sa English ang NOLI ME TANGERE? TOUCH ME NOT!
Sa Chinese? NO CHAN CHING!

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Joke # 768

JAI-ALAI RESULT
MARE: Sus, pare, kalahati lang ang lumabas sa akin.
PARE: Ako, mare, dulo lang.
MARE: Pare, kung ang dulo mo, tumama sa hati ko, panalo tayong dalawa!

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Joke # 769

TARZAN: Me go to city to buy underwear so birdy safe.
JANE: Ok. You buy panty for me so pussy also safe?
CHEETAH: And can you buy condom for me so Jane safe?

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Joke # 770

Here are two I saw recently on birthday card's:
Outside:
We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us.....
Inside:
..... We had to stay up all night lighting them!

Outside:
There is not much know about sex at your age.....
Inside:
.... Rats don't live that long.



PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

eumir
5th Apr 2011, 22:15
ayos talaga to !! hehehe !! basta pinoy jokes the best ! =)

t700_825
6th Apr 2011, 08:01
Joke # 771

Q&A portion Bb. Pilipinas 2003
"Ladies and Gentlemen, our next contestant for the Question and Answer portion, Please welcome Miss Alabang!!! - Geozza Quino-Yangyang!!!" announce ng emcee.

EMCEE: Ok Geozza, what is your favourite color?

GEOZZA: Ah, ummm. . .Fuschia!

EMCEE: Wow! that is a nice color! Can you spell it for us?

GEOZZA: Ay. . Ahhh... Ummmm.. Sorry my favorite color pala is RED !!!!

Palakpakan ang mga kabaranggay ni GEOZZA!

EMCEE: Ok, red na kung red! Anyway what is your favorite flower?

GEOZZA: Well, actually (with pungay ng mata at look sa audience), my favorite flower is Chrysanthemum!

EMCEE: Really? that is my mother's favorite too. Can you spell it for us?

GEOZZA: Oh sorry, i forgot! my favorite flower pala is ROSE!

Palakpakan pa rin ang kanoyang mga kabaranggay!

EMCEE: OK, OK then. Roses have a lot of varieties, which varieties do yo like best?

GEOZZA: Well actually i like lots but i have certain favorite variety.

EMCEE: Talaga? which ones?

Palakpak and tili ang mga fans ni GEOZZA!

GEOZZA: Well, I love Red roses, yellow Roses, White Roses, Susan Roces, Cirrhossis, tuberco-roses and multiple sclo-roses!

Laban ka!

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Joke # 772

Kung galit ka sa isang tao,


Huwag mong hilingin na may mangyaring masama sa kanya



Instead,
























ikaw na mismo ang gumawa para sure kang merong mangyayari

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Joke # 773

I have a lot of problems.





Gusto kong umiyak,





Maging wild,





Maglasing,





Magbigti,





Magpakamatay,





Pero as usual,

















Tinatamad ako.

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Joke # 774

The fish said, "I can't see my tears 'coz I'm in the water."




The water said, "I can feel your tears 'coz you're in my heart."




Lesson?
















Ewan! Hindi ko rin ma-gets kung paano nakapagsalita yung isda...
Tapos sumagot pa 'tong tubig



english pa!

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Joke # 775

The strong became weak...



The genius became stupid...



The speechless became talkative...




It happened because of one thing...
























LASING! :lol:

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Joke # 776

Sa isang motel, magkasama ang isang batang batang babae at isang halos lolo na niya. Nakapatong ang matandang lalaki sa ibabaw ng babae at iri ng iri upang tumayo ang tete niya. Sa kai-iri, napatae siya sa kipyas ng babae.

Sa galit ng babae ay sinabi niya na :
"lolo, kung alam ko lang na tatae lang kayo sa kipyas ko eh, hindi ko na tinanggap ang limandaan ninyo".

Sagot naman ng matanda:

"aba ineng, kung alam ko lang na babayad ako ng limandaan para tumae sa kipyas mo eh sa kubeta na lang ako pumunta!".

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Joke # 777

here's another...

isang girl na di nag-ahit ng kilikili ang nakatayo sa MRT.

maya-maya ay may sumakay na isang lasing na lalaki..

"uhmm..he-he..yan ang type kong babae.. marunong mag ballet."

tinignan sya ng babae..

"e.. sorry mister, di po ako marunong mag ballet."

"ooH... E pano ka nakabukaka ng ganyang kataas?"

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Joke # 778

a couple on a nude beach went to a doctor....

"doc.. pinasukan po ng alimango pekpek ng asawa ko..!!"

"ay madali lang yan mister, maghubad po kayo at lagyan natin ng syrup dulo ng etits nyo, then ipasok nyo sa keps nya.. sigurado pong kakapit yung alimango and presto! ok na po."

e nahihiya yung manoy ni husband, ayaw tumigas talaga so pinakiusapan nya na yung doctor na mismo ang magpasok ng ari nya sa keps si misis.

so eto na nga after a few minits...
medyo nagtitirik na ang mata ng doktor at pabilis na ng pabilis ang in and out motion ng pwet nya..

complain si husband.. "doc.. tagal naman nyan.. nakuha nyo na ba??" "

e..hahhh.. mister...change of plans po... lulunurin ko na lang tong hayop na alimango!!

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Joke # 779

Babae: Ni-rape po ako ng sampung lalaki

PULIS: Ha? Hindi ka man lang sumigaw?

BABAE: Ang gulo-gulo nga po nila, eh. Nag-uunahan pa kaya panay ang sigaw ko ng: "ANO BA! PILA PILA LANG KAYO."

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Joke # 780

It takes..































Mo naman ako oh.
Di ka na ba anle?
Bakit hindi ka na nagtatakes?
Takesback ha?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 781

Aanhin pa ang pagiging artista..




































kung ang ka kising scene nman ay c aling
dionisia.

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Joke # 782

Sabi nila pag nadapa ka,bumangon!




Eh paano kung nadapa ka sa ibabaw ng mahal mo?
Ba2ngon ka p ba?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke # 783

Sabi nila...



Pera daw ang gumagawa ng kagandahan.






Sabi ko naman,





ganda ko ang gumagawa ng pera.

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Joke # 784

Sa buhay marami kang nagagawang kamalian...




























Tarantado ka kasi eh.

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Joke # 785

You'll agree on this.

Fake Friends: Hindi humihingi ng pagkain
Real Friends: Parang siya bumili ng pagkain mo

Fake Friends: Hindi ka niya mabatuk-batukan
Real Friends: Bayolente! Mamamatay ka sa batok. Suntok. Kabog

Fake Friends: Kakatok pa sa pinto ng bahay mo
Real Friends: Didiretso. Papasok na lang kaagad ng bahay niyo. Pwera na lang kung may aso.

Fake Friends: Will talk shit behind your back at ipagkakalat pa
Real Friends: Kakampihan ka. At sasamahan sugurin yung traydor na yun!!

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

dexter097
6th Apr 2011, 09:09
Papost na rin TS


Top of the line foods sa Campus(College)

Monay! Mura na Busog pa
Monay w/ Ice Cream! Busog na presko pa!
Monay w/ cheese! Isipin mona lang ham yan!

And my favorite,

Monay w/ rice! Super busog na sure mabigat pa!
:lol:

/------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale ."

The next day someone stole it!

/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Inubos nio na ung iba :rofl:

yondaimme
6th Apr 2011, 14:12
Ikaw na ts! The best ka., na :hit: ko na yung :thanks:

t700_825
6th Apr 2011, 19:28
Papost na rin TS


Top of the line foods sa Campus(College)

Monay! Mura na Busog pa
Monay w/ Ice Cream! Busog na presko pa!
Monay w/ cheese! Isipin mona lang ham yan!

And my favorite,

Monay w/ rice! Super busog na sure mabigat pa!
:lol:

/------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale ."

The next day someone stole it!

/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Inubos nio na ung iba :rofl:

Keep sharing lang boss,.marami pa jan,.hehe,.


Ikaw na ts! The best ka., na :hit: ko na yung :thanks:

Thanks,.hehe,.,

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Joke # 786

T: Bakit ang aso itinataas ang paa sa gilid ng bakod kapag umiihi.
S: Kasi baka matumba ang bakod tinutukuran nya lang para safe siya.

T: Bakit ang manok tumitingala kapag umiinom ng tubig.
S: Nagdadasal sila sabi niya Dios ko kailan ba ako iihi.

T: Ano ang masarap sa itlog?
S: Kamutin

T: Ano ang masarap sa manok?
S: Palay

T: Anong isda ang lalaki pa sa dagat?
S: Maliliit na isda.

T: Bakit binubuksan ang bintana sa umaga?
S: Kasi nakasara!

T: Kapag nangitlog ang tandang sa bubong saan mahuhulog ang itlog?
S: Nangingitlog ba ang tandang?

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Joke # 787

Kapag ako hinalikan nang crush ko.


Naku!





Magkamatayan na kahit mag-sorry pa siya!













Gaganti talaga ako!
Hindi tama ginawa niya..

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Joke # 788

Maraming bagay sa buhay ang puno ng katanungan...





UNA:
Bakit mahirap huminga sa ilong habang nakadila?








Uuuyyy...
Sinubukan niya naman.
Parang aso...

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Joke # 789

Kahit gaano ka pa kasama,

may iilang tao pa rin na kaya kang tignan sa mabuting paraan.





Ang tawag sa kanila:















"KASABWAT"

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Joke # 790

Tang Na Moo!



























- Joint venture na product ng Tang at Moo.

Comes with different flavors like Mango Milk and Choco Orange flavors.
Bili na!
Tang Na Moo!
Siguradong mapapamura ka sa sarap.

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Joke # 791

Sa tuwing pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat pagsikat ng araw...





























Nasisilaw ako!

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Joke # 792

Nagtatalo ang mag-syotang sina Titi at Kiki...

Titi: Kiki, sino ang mas expensive, babae o lalake?

Kiki: Aba!Kami yatang mga babae! Mas magastos yung kagamitan namin kaysa sa inyo e.

Titi: Bakit naman? Patunayan mo nga!

Kiki: O sige... yung dalawang Siopao na malalaki, diba 50 pesos yung pinakamahal? dalawa kasi kaya 100 na yung dalawa. dagdagan mo pa ng gatas, 150 pesos yung espesyal. tapos heto pa ang bibingka na may pasas, na 30 pesos ang isa. Kung idagdag mo, 280 pesos lahat ang presyo. E ikaw? pano mo yan malalamangan? sige nga! e, hotdog at dalawang itlog lang ang sa inyo.

Titi: Asus, magkano ba yung pinakamahal na Jumbo hotdog? 120 pesos diba? tapos yung dalawang itlog na malalaki. Sabihin na nating 20 pesos yung dalawa.

Kiki: (napatawa) haha! 140 pesos lang lahat? ang cheap! mas mahal nga yung sa mga babae dahil 280 pesos yung presyo.

Titi: Teka, hindi pa ako tapos. Hindi ko pa nga naisali ang helmet. Magkano nga ba ang pinakamahal na helmet ngayon?

Kiki: 3,000 pesos!

Titi: e di mas expensive kami!

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Joke # 793

Ang pag-aaral parang biyahe...



































Masarap tulugan. haha...

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Joke # 794

"If the jeepney won't move...

















...Start walking."

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Joke # 795

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.

The brunette said," I went into my daughter's bedroom and saw a pack of cigarretes, I didn't know she smoked!

The red head said," I went into my daughter's bedroom and found a half empty bottle of vodka! I didn't know she drank!

Then the blonde burst out and said," I went into my daughter's bedroom and saw a pack of condoms, half empty too! I didn't know she had a penis!

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Joke # 796

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mum and says,

"Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mummy, I saw men with a dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mum says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,

"Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

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Joke # 797

Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?

Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamall. Napansin ko na naipit 'yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa nahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.

Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?

Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.

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Joke # 798

Napadaan ang lalaki sa isang babae na may katabing asong tahol nang tahol.

"Miss, nangangagat ba ang aso ninyo?" tanong ng lalaki.

"Hindi," sagot ng babae na diretso sa pagbabasa ng libro niya.

Dumaan ang lalaki at kinagat siya ng aso.
"Miss, ang sabi ninyo, hindi nangangagat ang aso niyo? Bakit ako kinagat?" reklamo ng lalaki.

"Hindi ko naman aso 'yan, eh," sagot ng babae.

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Joke # 799

Muntik na akong masaksak..wooaahh...





buti na lang...




ang lakas ng tiger energy cookie...hinarang niya yung knife :lol:

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Joke # 800

Know the movie "MULAN?"

Part four na yon!

First episode nun "Mulog," then "Midlat," Tapos "Mambon,"
saka palang....

Coming soon na ang "Magyo,"

Next ang "Maha," finally "Maraw".

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :thumbsup: :lol: :rofl: :lmao: :thumbsup:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
7th Apr 2011, 07:50
Joke # 801

T: Ano ang hindi kinakain sa balot maliban sa balat.
S: Sabaw kasi iniinom yon.


T: Anong tinapay ang hindi kinakain ang gitna.
S: Donut kasi butas ang gitna nito.

T: What is Computer?
S: It came from the latin word “Compu” meaning “ter”.

T: Ano sa Spanish ang mani?
S: Hindi ko alam! sa Latin alam ko. Sasalatin daw ohhhhh…!

T: Ano sa Spanish ulit ang mani?
S: Nasa dulo ng dila ko kagabi eh hindi ko matandaan! (Kinakain niya pala.)

T: Ano ang malaki buwan o araw?
S: Buwan dahil may 31 days sa isang buwan.

T: Ano ba ang buwan bilog o oblong?
S: Pasensiya ka na amang hindi ako taga rito eh.

T: Ilan ang dwarf ni Cinderella?
S: Tanga si snowhite ang may dwarf.

T: Ano sa tagalog ang papaya?
S: Papa Yeah, oo papa

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Joke # 802

Siguro minsan, kailangan madapa...


Bakit?







Wala lang, para agaw-eksena.
Pwede ka ring tumambling para mas bongga

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Joke # 803

"Ang taong wala sa katinuan...





















































Ako ang nasa isipan."

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Joke # 804

FACT: The human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells but naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain faster and more efficient.
That's why you always feel smarter when you're drunk.

(Intellectualization ng lasenggo)
Palakpakan!
Shot na!

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Joke # 805

Tumatakbo si ERAP galing computer room na sinusundan ng staff: Sir bakit ka tumatakbo?

Erap: Tatakas ako, sabi kasi ng computer "press Ctrl then Escape".

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Joke # 806

Sa Ospital2

Bingi: Doc, bakit ganun! di ako makarinig. kahit utot ko di ko marinig

Doc: sige, inumin mo lang ito

Bingi: ibigsabihin nun ba ay lalakas na pandinig ko

Doc: hindi, lalakas ang utot mo

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Joke # 807

There are two reasons why people change:



































Either tapos na maligo, or basa na nang pawis. :lol:

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Joke # 808

Lumapit ang labindalawang taong gulang na batang lalake sa kanyang lola at nagtanong.

"Yoya, batit ato buyoy?"

"Kasi supot ka pa, Iho, kahit itanong mo sa nanay mo," paliwanag ng lola.

"Nanay, batit ako buyoy?" tanong naman ulit ng anak sa kanyang ina.

"Kasi supot ka pa, kahit itanong mo sa tatay mo," sagot naman ng nanay.

Lapit ang bata sa tatay at nagtanong ulit. "Tatay, batit ato buyoy?"

Nagbuntong-hininga ang tatay bago sumagot, "Kati tupot ka pa."

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Joke # 809

Couple doing hanky-panky inside the car, was caught by a cop.
"Sir, my girlfriend stopped breathing. Had to do CPR on her."
"Then why is she naked?"
"She wouldn't open her mouth so I had to find another opening."

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Joke # 810

I'm so very lucky to have a friend like you.



You are very different from the rest of my friends...





























lahat kasi sila normal.

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Joke # 811

A MAN FINGERING HIS GIRLFRIEND INSIDE A MOVIE HOUSE
Girl: Aray! Slowly naman ohh!
Boy: Slowly na nga eh.
Girl: (hurt again) Aray! Alisin mo na nga 'yang singsing mo.
Boy: Tange! Relos ko 'yan!









ANOTHER MAN FINGERING ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND INSIDE A MOVIE HOUSE
Boy: Honey, naiwan ang college ring ko sa loob!
Girl: Bilis kunin mo!
Boy: Ayan... teka ba't La Salle 'to eh Atenista ako!

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Joke # 812

I'm sending you a hello message,

but that does not mean you have to do the same.

You can always send cash naman eh,

o kaya cell card. Pwede ring bigas, o kaya de lata, kape...

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Joke # 813

Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng ice cream sa penis?

A: Ang ice cream didilaan mo para di tumulo, and penis habang dinidilaan mo lalong tumutulo!

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Joke # 814

Ang Alamat ng "Search for Binibining Pilipinas







Minsan naligaw ako and hindi ko alam ang daan pauwi.


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Joke # 815

T: Ano sa tagalog ang banana?
S: Saging

T: Ano sa tagalog ang calculator?
S: Talapindutan ng numero.

T: Ano sa tagalog ang Typewriter
S: Talapindutan ng letra….mali MAKINILYA!!.

:lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

norse_god3000
7th Apr 2011, 14:51
The best JOKE Thread dito sa GAGs forum.....Keep on posting po at nakaka tanggal ng stress dito sa office....Nakakatulong ka sa health namin......

t700_825
7th Apr 2011, 19:00
The best JOKE Thread dito sa GAGs forum.....Keep on posting po at nakaka tanggal ng stress dito sa office....Nakakatulong ka sa health namin......

Thanks,.ahaha,.may ganon,.hehe,.para maging healthy,.,.

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Joke # 816

T: Paano malalaman kung may tanga sa sabungero?
S: Kapag may nagdala ng bibe.

T: Paano malalaman kung may tanga sa sabungan?
S: Kapag pumusta sa bibe.

T: Paano malalaman kung may sindekato sa sabungan?
S: Kapag nanalo ang bibe.

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Joke # 817

Alak...













...
























...to muvet muvet!
Alak to muvet muvet!
Alak to muvet muvet!
Alak to! Muvet!!!

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Joke # 818

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MAYAMAN AT MAHIRAP SA PILIPINAS

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis".

Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress".

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo".

Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom", kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".

Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba", pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".

Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga", pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena".

Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkinitan"; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting".

Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite"; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot".

"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner'; ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong".

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom"!

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Joke # 819

U picked me up.



u took me home.



u put ur hands around my waist.



u took off my top den u put ur lips om mine.



THANK GOODNESS im a bottle of PEPSI.

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Joke # 820

Isang holdaper ang pumasok sa isang bangko.

Lumapit siya sa teller at nagbigay ng kapirasong sulat. Ganito ang nakalagay sa sulat:

Ilagay mo sa bag ko ang lahat ng pera at wag kang kikilos ng masama!!! Pagkabasa ng teller sa sulat, dalidaling nagsulat ito.

Inabot ng teller ang sulat sa holdaper, at ganito ang laman:

Ayusin mo ang sarili mo. Ngumiti ka dahil ikaw ay kinukunan ng litrato!

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Joke # 821

Math ang kasalukuyang subject sa klase ni Mistro Danilo.

MR DANILO: "Dunggaw, apat na mansanas, bawasan mo ng dalawa. Ilan ang natira?"

DUNGGAW: "Dalawa po."

MR DANILO: "Very good! Gary, kung meron akong limang mansanas at kinain ko ang isa, ilan ang natira?"

GARY: "Apat na lang po."

MR DANILO: "Very good! Anton, stand up! May tatlo kang mansanas, ang isa ay inilagay mo sa refrigerator, ilan na lang ang hawak mo?"

ANTON: "Tatlo pa rin po."

MR DANILO: "Bakit?"

ANTON: "Wala po kaming refrigerator eh!"

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Joke # 822

nagpahanap ung hari ng pinaka magaling na samurai sa mundo

dumating ung hapon...
nagpakawala ung hari ng langaw..
hati sa gitna

dumating naman ung intsek
nagpakawala ng bubuyog ang hari...
pugot ang ulo...

pinoy naman ang sumunod
nagpakawala ng lamok
hindi namatay...

hari: mahina ka hindi mo kayang patayin
pinoy: ah pa2tayin ba?! kala ko kc tu2liin eh...

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Joke # 823

pasyiente: doc hanggang kelan nalang ba ta2gal ang buhay ko?!

doc: 10

pasyiente: 10 years, 10 months oh 10 weeks?! ano po doc?!

doc: 9...8...7...6...5...4

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Joke # 824

Jay: Di ba pag ako ang nagtatanong ikaw ang sasagot diba.

Rey: Oo naman.

Jay: Ngayon iibahin natin pag ako ang nag tanong ako rin ang sasagot!!

Rey: Bago yan ah sige subukan natin.

Jay: May isang lalaki putol ang dalawang kamay at paa isang araw nagkasunog sa tinitirahan niya anong gagawin niya.

Rey: Puwis tanong mo yan ikaw ang sasagot.

Jay: Oo nga ano, ganto ang ginawa niya, tinadyakan niya ang pinto at tumakbo siya hindi s'ya nasunog.

Rey: Paano makakatakbo iyon putol nga yong dalawang paa at kamay niya.

Jay: Tanong mo yan sagutin mo yan.

Rey: buwisit.

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Joke # 825

A man takes his wife to play her first game of
golf... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her
first shot right through the window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked
on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"
the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see I'm a genie, and I've been
trapped in that bottle! for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it,
it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a
long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do
you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world, " she said.

Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!"

And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle
and haven't been with a woman in over a thousand
years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both have a fortune, and all
those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
"You know, you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked: "How
old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she replied breathlessly.

"NO sh*t. Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :rofl: :lol:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

PriveX
7th Apr 2011, 19:22
:lol: nice nice..

t700_825
8th Apr 2011, 09:07
:lol: nice nice..

Salamat boss,.hehe,.,

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Joke # 826

Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.

2 have & 2 hold. 4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes.

in text messaging & in poor signal.

til low battery do us part?

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Joke # 827

MALE LOGIC

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the
child.

The wife jumped up and said: 'Your Honor. I
brought the child into the world with pain an
labor.

She should be in my custody. The judge turns to
the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your
defense?

The man sat for a while contemplating..then
slowly rose.

Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending
machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it
.. the machine's or mine

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Joke # 828

Para sa first timers:

#1 Relax.

#2 Ibukang mabuti.

#3 Mag-concentrate.

#4 Tiisin ang sakit.

#5 Sabihin kung nagdurugo.

#6 Magtiwala sa dentista.

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Joke # 829

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Filipino software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Filipino software engineer is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?

A dozen Filipinos waiting for a free haircut!

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Joke # 830

Ano ang dapat gawin pag d makatulog ang babae?

e di...COUNT-TO-TEN! pag di pa rin makatulog...

count to ten ulit! Basta count to ten ng count to ten!

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Joke # 831

Pilosopo

MR DANILO: "I am your teacher, I am good in three languages."

PIKAW: "What are the subjects you're good at?"

MR DANILO: "Oh, I like Math and English."

PIKAW: "How do you say 'good morning' in Algebra?"

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Joke # 832

libre ang mangarap

matagal nang pangarap ni rodel na maging sikat na comedyante
nata2kot lang sya baka pagtawanan sya ng tao

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Joke # 833

Numero

Anong sabi ni 0 kay 8? --Bakit ka naka-belt

Anong sabi ni 6 kay 9? --Tabi tayo

Anong sabi ni 0 kay Q?--Bastos mo, mag-brief ka nga!

Anong sabi ni 3 kay 1? --Bakit wala kang boobs?
Anong sabi ni 1 kay 6?--Buntis ka na naman?!

Anong sabi ni 1 kay 10? --Ang taba naman ng girlfriend mo

Anong sabi ni 1 kay 1010? --Wow, double date!

Anong sabi ni 1 kay 8? --Ang sikip naman ng belt mo

Anong sabi ni 1 kay 100? --Ang tataba naman ng mga girlfriend mo!

Anong sabi ni 1 kay 888888? --Ang sikip naman ng belt niyo!!!

Anong sabi ni 8 kay 0? --Pare, ba't wala kang belt?

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Joke # 834

May isang balikbayan na umuwi pagkatapos nitong namalagi sa Amerika ng 5 taon.

Binisita nito ang kaibigan

Kaibigan ni balikbayan: Hoy kailan ka pa dumating?

Balikbayan: I'm sorry..I didn't catch that.. can you repeat that please...I can't quit understand tagalog anymore. "Maa-hee-raap neng meg-ta-ga-log"

Nang sa isang sulok bigla syang hinabol ng aso ng kaibigan...

Balikbayan: Hoy ang aso mo hinahabol nya ako, baka makagat ako.


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Joke # 835

Ama at Anak

Anak: Tay ano po ba ang isasaing natin?

Tatay: (Pahiyaw na sinabing!) “Matuto kang magsaing ng wala!”

(Makaraan ang ilang sandali)

Anak: Tay kakain na po!

Tatay: Nasaan ang kakainin ko?

Anak: “Matuto kang kumain ng wala!”

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Joke # 836

Ang Nanalo Ang Gusto

Sa school canteen, nag-order ng isang buong fried chicken si Mr. Chan. Napansin niya na bali-bali ang dalawang paa ng manok. Gayung ang order niya ay huwag i-chop ang manok. Tinawag niya ang waiter:

Mr. Chan: Bakit bali ang paa at pakpak ng manok na ibinigay mo sa akin?

Waiter: E, sir, pasensya na po kayo. Talunan po kasi sa sabong ang mga manok na iyan kaya ganyan!

Mr. Chan: A ganon ba? Puwes ang ibigay mo sa akin ay yung nanalo!

:lol: :thumbsup: :lmao: :rofl: :lol: :thumbsup: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

bluedragon2790
8th Apr 2011, 09:22
Famous Chinese names:
Born during d nyt
-Andy Lim
Born blind
-Kenneth See
Born fat
-Bob Uy
Born tiny
-Kathy Ting
Born different
-Eva Yan
Born on sunday
-Lyn Go
Born w/ picture
-Lara Huan
Born w/ sweets
-Ken Dy
born secretly
-Tina Go
Born maniac
-Hayden Kho
Born normal
-Nating Wong
Born abnormal
-Sam Ting Wong
Born ugly
-Edi Yu
Born cute
-Mi Yun ..
ahaha
gudmorning :)

t700_825
8th Apr 2011, 16:25
Famous Chinese names:
Born during d nyt
-Andy Lim
Born blind
-Kenneth See
Born fat
-Bob Uy
Born tiny
-Kathy Ting
Born different
-Eva Yan
Born on sunday
-Lyn Go
Born w/ picture
-Lara Huan
Born w/ sweets
-Ken Dy
born secretly
-Tina Go
Born maniac
-Hayden Kho
Born normal
-Nating Wong
Born abnormal
-Sam Ting Wong
Born ugly
-Edi Yu
Born cute
-Mi Yun ..
ahaha
gudmorning :)

Nice,.keep posting sir,.hehe,.

yondaimme
8th Apr 2011, 17:26
Astig ka ts! :hit: na yung :thanks:

rgglenn150
8th Apr 2011, 18:17
galing ts..ngayon ko lang nakita toh ah...hahahaha

t700_825
8th Apr 2011, 18:59
Astig ka ts! :hit: na yung :thanks:
Salamat,.hehe


galing ts..ngayon ko lang nakita toh ah...hahahaha

Ha?, bakit naman,.wala na,. nahuli ka na sa balita,.hehe,.joke lang,.thanks,.,

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Joke # 837

Slang ng Coke

Pinasyal ni Manny ang pinsan niyang si Juan na bagong dating lang galing sa Pilipinas sa lahat ng magagandang lugar sa San Francisco. Nang mapagod sila at magutom ay tinanong ni Manny si Juan kung saan niya gusto kumain. Dahil hindi pa sya pamilyar sa Amerika.

Juan: "Mak Donals na lang Manny."

Manny: "Pinsan, its not 'mak donals'. Its pronouced 'Mc Donalds'."

Juan: "Ganon ba"

Pagdating nila sa Mc Donalds, tinanong ni Manny si Juan kung ano ang gusto niyang order.

Manny: "What would you like cousin?"

Juan: "Ahh, jas gib me 'hamburjer' and 'prends prays'."

Manny: "Cousin its pronounce 'Hamburger and French Fries'."

Juan: "Oh, I saw."

Manny: What about drink?"

Juan: "Ano ba yan, napapahiya na ako sa pinsan ko, puro slang naman ang salita dito. Ano kaya ang slang ng Coca-Cola?"

Manny: "Cousin, what would you like to drink?"

Juan: "Oh, jas gib me a large 'Kokay-Kola'."

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Joke # 838

Tatlong Madre at ang Parrot

Tatlong madre ang naglalakad papuntang simbahan ng mapadaan sila sa isang bahay na may parrot.

Parrot: puti! puti! puti!

Nagtataka ang tatlong madre. Sabi ng isa, puti ang panty ko. Sabi ng pangalawa, puti rin ang panty ko. Sabi ng pangatlo, ako rin. Puti ang panty ko. Naisip ng tatlo na baka nahulaan ng parrot ang kulay ng panty nila.

Kinabukasan napagkasunduan ng tatlong madre na pare-pareho silang magsuot ng dilaw na panty para malaman kung totoo ang kanilang hinala. Pagdaan nila sa bahay na may parrot, sabi nito:

Parrot: dilaw! dilaw! dilaw!

Napatunayan ng tatlong madrena totoo ang hinala na nahuhulaan ng parrot ang kulay ng suot nilang panty.

Napagkasunduan ng tatlong madre na lituhin ang parrot. HIndi sila magsusuot ng panty kinabukasan.

Nang sumunod na araw pagdaan ng tatlong madre sa bahay na may parrot, napatingin lang sa kanila ang parrot at walang sinabi. Lihim na nagtinginan ang tatlong madre sa tuwa. Paglampas nila sa bahay, biglang sumigaw ang parrot:

Parrot: kulot! kulot! kulot!

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Joke # 839

Barbie and Britney

Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

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Joke # 840

anong surname ni sisa?
























siret?




mistrit!




sisa mistrit!


got it?

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Joke # 841

"Hindi ako kumakain ng tao!! I am not a
carnival!!"
-melanie marquez-

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Joke # 842

"Being Miss Universe is like having a birthstone, you may lose it.

Being a Filipina is like having a birthmark, it's forever. "

*MARGIE MORAN DURING THE Q AND A PORTION OF THE 1973 MISS UNIVERSE, ASKED WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING MISS UNIVERSE AND BEING A FILIPINA

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Joke # 843

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. Rosario Liboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan...City!
*SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita HErnandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine! *ANOTHER SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS

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Joke # 844

Question: Anung Nationality ng sanggol na may amang Filipino Catholic at Protestanteng Ina?
Answer: American

Question: Ilan ang paa ng pilay na pusa?
Answer: Tatlo

Question: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube, pero tinatawag ng iba na
boob tube. Ano ito?
Answer: Bra

Question: Anong bukol ang makikita sa leeg ng mga lalaki
Answer: Kiss mark

Question: Sa anong bansa nakatira ang mga Hindu?
Answer: Hindunesia

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Joke # 845

Amo: Inday, bakit lumalaki ang tiyan mo?

Inday: CANCER 'to Ma'am

Amo: Aba, halika na sa ospital at ipaopera natin.

Inday: Huwag po Ma'am, kay SIR nman ito eh.

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Joke # 846

Two married men talking...

1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

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Joke # 847

Pare 1: Pare, kumusta yung blind date mo kagabi?

Pare 2: Talo talaga.

Pare 1: 'Bat? Anong nangyari?

Pare 2: Bulag yung ka-date ko

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Joke # 848

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

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Joke # 849

When asked what place in the Philippines she would boast about,
Calendar girl contestant replied: "Bocaue" Intrigued hosts ask, "What about Bocaue? What's in it to boast about?" Girl replied: "Why, the Bocaue rice terraces of course."

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Joke # 850

6 SENSES OF KISSING

SENSE OF SMACK
SENSE OF TORRID
SENSE OF GIGIL
...SENSE OF HAWAK
SENSE OF LiBOG

ANO YUNG PANG ANIM? Absence

WALA NG CLOTHES. hahahah


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
9th Apr 2011, 08:04
Joke # 851

Mag-iinuman Muna

Sa isang klinika, nagpakonsulta ang isang seksing babae. Mayroon daw siyang ugaling hindi maalis-alis.

PASYENTE: Doktor, ano po kaya ang mabuti kong gawin? Sa tuwing ako po ay nakakainom ng brandy. Maski na sinong lalaking katabi ko ay aking niyayakap at hinahalikan?

DOKTOR: Aba'y matindi nga ang problema mo. Sandali lang may kukunin ako sa aking bar.

Ilang sandali pa, bumalik ang doktor. May dala itong dalawang baso at isang bote ng kabubukas pa lang na brandy.

DOKTOR: Mag-iinuman muna tayo. Miss. Para masuri kong mabuti ang iyong sakit!


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Joke # 852

Lahi ng alta presyon ang pamilya ng seksing si Carol kung kaya't ugali na niyang magpa-blood pressure sa school doctor sa paaralang pinapasukan niya. Bago siya pumasok sa klase, dumaan sya sa klinika. pinulsuhan at kinunan ng presyon ng dugo.

DOKTOR: Okay naman ang blood pressure mo, 120/80. Normal!

CAROL: Kayo yata ang high blood, doktor. Sa tuwing pupunta ako rito, hindi kayo mapakali at kakaba-kaba kayo. Hindi ba ninyo maaalis ang sobrang kaba ninyo?

DOKTOR: Puwede kung, hindi ka magpa-plunging neckline at takpan mo iyang dibdib mo!

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Joke # 853

IHO: Dad may sasabihin akoh sa iyo.
DAD: Bakit may problema ka?
IHO: Magshift akoh sa FINE ARTS dad!
DAD: Loko, pangatLong uLit mo na sa grade-1, nangangarap kah pa ng shift-shift!

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Joke # 854

RITA GOMEZ AS A JUDGE IN A BB. PILIPINAS PAGEANT, ASKING A CANDIDATE A QUESTION DURING THE Q AND A (CANDIDATE INCIDENTALLY IS MARIA ISABEL LOPEZ)


RITA: Here's your question, hija: Are you still a virgin?

MARIA ISABEL: If I say I still am, can I bring home the crown tonight?

RITA: Good answer!

MARIA ISABEL: What about you Ma'am, are you still a virgin?

RITA: Hija I have 5 children with 5 different fathers,what do you call that, Immaculate Conception???

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Joke # 855

"Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali! Mabait
kasi ako eh"

*MR. POGI CONTESTANT'S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: ANO SA MUKHA MO ANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?

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Joke # 856

OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING LANG NA BOYFRIEND SA STARBUCKS.

GIRL : My God you're so late. Where did you...Where have you...Where do you... saan ka ba galing???

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Joke # 857

Question: Ano ang isinusuot ng taong walang buhok?
Answer: Kalbo

Question: Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?
Answer: Sunog

Question: Para saan ang anti-dandruff shampoo?
Answer: Kuto

Question: Kung manicure sa kamay, ano ang sa paa?
Answer: Kuko

Question: Ano ang nasa gitna ng donut?
Answer: Palaman

Question: What is the capital of the Philippines?
Answer: P

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Joke # 858

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")

Ano naman ang kabit? ("May condo")

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Joke # 859

Intsik: "Magkano punta sa Makati?"

Taxi Driver: " Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"

Intsik; "Bakit, di ikaw sama?"

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Joke # 860

Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Wife: Enjoy ka ba sa akin?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

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Joke # 861

Quote of the week:

"7 days makes one WEEK; 7 days of sex makes one WEAK;
but no sex in a week makes one SICK; however, a good
sex once a week makes one SEEK."

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Joke # 862

Question: Ano ang similarity ng UTOT at TULA?
Answer : Pareho silang nagmula sa POET!

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Joke # 863

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

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Joke # 864

Limang klase ng egg preservation...
> > Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan.
> > Maitim: century egg.
> > Mabuhok: balut iyan.
> > Mabaho: bugok iyan.
> > Malibag: bayag na 'yan!

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Joke # 865

Kinausap si Nene ng kanyang ina...
Ina: Naku, mag-aasawa ka na, anak?! Ang laking lalaki niyang mapapangasawa mo, tapos, ang liit-liit mo lang!
Nene: Sus! Kailan naman kayo nakarinig ng pukeng nabulunan?


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
10th Apr 2011, 07:55
Joke # 866

Walang Epekto ang Field Trip


Galing sa field trip ang klase ni Miss Batu. Halos maghapong nagaygay nila ang Manila Zoo at nakita ng mga bata ang halos lahat ng mga klase ng hayop. Kinabukasan, sinubukan niya ang klase kung natandaan ng mga bata ang pangalan ng mga hayop.

GURO: Okay class. Who can tell me what a panther is? I will give a 90% grade to whoever can tell me.

Tameme ang klase at walang gustong sumagot. Palakad-lakad ang guro at inaabot na siya ng pagkabanas dahil sobra naman ang hina ng memorya ng kanyan klase. Pamaya-maya, tumayo ang medyo patpating estudyante.

GURO: Good Mendoza! Talagang ikaw ang inaasahan tatayo. Dahil ikaw ang matalino sa klaseng ito. What is a panther?

MENDOZA: Mam, he is a man who makes pants.

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Joke # 867

little miss phiippines contest
EMCEE: anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo?
LITTLE MISS CONTESTANT: maging lalaki po.

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Joke # 868

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is
weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."




Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.

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Joke # 869

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens the door and sees the same man.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me here in the hospital."

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Joke # 870

mr. world philippines contest

EMCEE: what do you think should a man possess to be successful?

CONTESTANT: i think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. that is all. i thank you.

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Joke # 871

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phonenumber and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me!"

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Joke # 872

Anong Bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA

Anong Bansa ang di sikat? LAOS

Anong Bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA

Anong Bansa ang madulas? GREECE

Anong Bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA

Anong Bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY

Anong Bansa ang maraming bacteria? GERM-ANY

Anong Bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSSIA


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Joke # 873

A man walked into an ice cream shop...

Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something else?

Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different flavor?

Man: Well... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?

Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.

Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the "van" in vanilla?

Man: V-A-N.

Scooper: Can you spell the "straw" in strawberry?

Man: S-T-R-A-W.

Scooper: Can you spell the "f***" in chocolate?

Man: But there is no "f***" in chocolate!

Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!


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Joke # 874

May isang mamamangka, negro, at americana.
Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla kung ang bangka ay kaya lang magdala nang dalawang tao? Paano sila tatawid sa kabilang isla?

Sagot: Papasakayin ang negro sa bangka tapos isusuot nang mamamangka ang americana.

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Joke # 875

Three women are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops. The
others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone.. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raise their eyebrows. "Oh excuse me she says, I'm getting a fax."


Yuck,.hehe,.

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Joke # 876

Girl: Love, what's your valentines gift to me?

Boy: SECRET!

Girl: How sweet naman, you want it to be a surprise.

Boy: Gaga! Secret, para sa kilikili mo!

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Joke # 877

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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Joke # 878

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. But what they would have said when they left...?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in "
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

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Joke # 879

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life.She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it.

The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it.However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office."

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Joke # 880

kapag ang lalake kinikilig... Ngingiti lang sa tabi..

Pero kapag ang babae kinikilig ... Todo hampas sa katabi

:lol: :rofl: :lol: :lmao: :lol: :thumbsup: :lol: :rofl:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
10th Apr 2011, 21:10
Joke # 881
Demanding talaga ang mga BFs..

Binigay mo na nga ang Puso mo..pati

Oras mo, Attention mo, Loyalty mo,
...gusto din hingin...hahahh

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Joke # 882


A blonde a brunette and a redhead go to a magic mirror. You stand in front of the mirror and tell it something. If you lie you disappear.

The brunette stood in front of the mirror and said I think I'm the smartest person in the world, and poof she disappeared.

The redhead stood in front of the mirror and said I think I'm the most beautiful person in the world, and poof she disappeared.

The blonde stood in front of the mirror and said I think, and poof she disappeared

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Joke # 883

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (driving under the influence).

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately calls for back-up. The car is quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, right. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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Joke # 884

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: - no matter how full your life is, there is always room for more BEER.

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Joke # 885

A man goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doc," says the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five naked women rush in and start tearing off all my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!" said the young man.

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

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Joke # 886

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about
it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two
later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God
bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God
Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss
the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally
after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD
DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

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Joke # 887

Isang umaga, pagkatapos magpaalam sa kanyang asawa, ay nagmamadaling umalis ng bahay si Banong papunta sa trabaho. Lumabas si Banong sa likod-bahay.

Nang sasakay na lamang siya ng bus ay napuna niyang wala ang kanyang pitaka, kaya nagmamadali siyang bumalik ng bahay.

Natagpuan niyang sarado ang pintuan sa harap. Kumatok siya.

Gayon na lamang and gulat niya nang pagkabukas ng pinto ay biglang niyakap siya ng asawa, hinila sa loob, isinara ang pinto at sabay sabing -

"Tamang-tama ang dating mo, kaaalis lang ng mister ko."

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Joke # 888

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your
clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's
raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he
landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he
started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying
his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the
air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you
run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

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Joke # 889

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."

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Joke # 890

POEM BY AN AFRICAN MAN

DEAR WHITE FELLA,
COUPLA THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK

AND YOU WHITE FELLA,
WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GRAY.
AND YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE CALLING ME COLORED??!!!

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :thumbsup: :rofl: :lmao: :lol:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

rammydestriza
11th Apr 2011, 11:01
Hehehe...cool......

laniecute
11th Apr 2011, 11:26
:yipee::excited:hahaha to be fair sa jokes moh, nakakatawa tlaga, you made me laugh, tnx

t700_825
11th Apr 2011, 20:12
Hehehe...cool......


:yipee::excited:hahaha to be fair sa jokes moh, nakakatawa tlaga, you made me laugh, tnx

Thanks,.thanks,.hehe,.MEDYO MALIMIT NA NGA LANG NANAMAN NGAYON ANG PAGUUPDATE KO DITO KASI MAGAARAL NANAMAN THIS SUMMER,.HEHE,.,.


************************************************** *******************************************

Joke # 891

GLASS OF WATER

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later he screamed,
"Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No, you had your chance."

Five minutes later he screamed, "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and
spank you."

"Dad!! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"

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Joke # 892

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

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Joke # 893

sA LabaS nG DeLiVerY RoOM Sa IsaNG HoSpiTaL:

jAY: 'HiNdi kA bA NaGtAtAka?'

Nikki:'Sa aNO?'

jAY:'paPaNo kAyA LuMaLabAS aNG BaTa sA PuErTa nG BaBaE Eh
aNG LiiT nOON?'

Nikki:'jAY,HinDi YaN aNG piNaGtAtAkA kO eH.'

jAY:'eH aNO?'

Nikki:'aNG piNaGtaTaKa Ko aY Sa diNaMi DaMi nG maLuwAG Na
LuGar, aY PapaAnO PuMasOk aNg BatA DoON.'

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Joke # 894

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and
get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a
path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad,
there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed
the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son
said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

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Joke # 895

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

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Joke # 896

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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Joke # 897

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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Joke # 898

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded,

"Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."
So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said,

"I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!"


Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally.

"What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

"Well, my mother might be coming on the other way!" The driver said.

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Joke # 899

recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...
~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water...
~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet...
~ 83% said it was to go home

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Joke # 900

Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.

"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.

"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this...."

He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.

"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"

The mugger left confused and dazed.

"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"

:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :rofl: :lol:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

dexter097
11th Apr 2011, 22:22
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.

"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.

"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this...."

He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.

"And this...usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"

The mugger left confused and dazed.

"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both!"

Tama ang pagbago mo sa Title boss, WALANG KUPAS! :lmao:

bluedragon2790
12th Apr 2011, 07:02
nice one ts.. d na ako masyado nkkadaan sa thread mu.. bz kc ako sa pgpapagana kay VPN..hahaha

t700_825
12th Apr 2011, 07:33
Tama ang pagbago mo sa Title boss, WALANG KUPAS! :lmao:

Salamat sir,.hehe,.medyo mababawasan lang ngayon ang pagupdate ko nito kasi may school nanaman,.haha,.,


nice one ts.. d na ako masyado nkkadaan sa thread mu.. bz kc ako sa pgpapagana kay VPN..hahaha


Ok lang sir,.hehe,.balitaan mo nga rin ako sa VPN kung meron sir,.hehe,.thanks,.

bluedragon2790
12th Apr 2011, 07:52
Salamat sir,.hehe,.medyo mababawasan lang ngayon ang pagupdate ko nito kasi may school nanaman,.haha,.,




Ok lang sir,.hehe,.balitaan mo nga rin ako sa VPN kung meron sir,.hehe,.thanks,.

punta ka sa thread ni sir layzkie tol.. lgi updated dun...

t700_825
13th Apr 2011, 07:04
Joke # 901

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this
case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

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Joke # 902

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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Joke # 903

Anak: Yehey! Nay, mayaman na tayo.

Inay:Ha? Bakit?

Anak: Heto po ang Itay, naririto sa diyaryo! at ang nakasulat ay P100,000. Dead or Alive!

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Joke # 904

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"

She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

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Joke # 905

You can see links before reply

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Joke # 906

Between the thousand yesterdays
and a million tomorrows,



there's only one today
and I wouldn't let this day pass



without saying this to you











































- ang cute ko, grabe!

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Joke # 907

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
- Anonymous

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group
- Anonymous

Son, never trust a man who doesn't drink.
- Joseph Tobin

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Joke # 908

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darkness times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open,do it yourself.

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Joke # 909

This old guy goes to the doctor and asks if could get some viagra.
The doc says, "Sure, how many would you like?"


The old guy says, "Oh, maybe three or four, but could you cut them into quarters for me?"

The doc says, "I can, but that won't do you any good."

The old man says, "Doc, I'm too old for sex, I just want my dick to stick out far enough so that I don't piss on my shoes."

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Joke # 910

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally awoke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


:lol: :rofl: :lmao:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

t700_825
13th Apr 2011, 22:16
Joke # 911

ONE DAY, IN A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD, THERE IS A COUPLE DECIDED TO ORDER A PIZZA, AND WHILE THEY'RE WAITING THEY STARTED FEELING VERY SEXUAL, SOOOO...THEY STARTED DOING SOMETHING VERY NAUGHTY AND THEY'RE DOING 69.

WHILE THEY WERE REALY GETTING TO IT, THE DOORBELL RANG AND IT'S THE PIZZA DELIVERY. THE GENTLEMEN GOT UP AND PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, WHEN THE LADY NOTICE THAT HES GOT A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD ARROUND HIS MOUTH. THE GENTLEMEN IGNORED HER AND MADE HIS WAY DOWN TO OPEN THE DOOR.

WHILE HE WAS GETTIN SOME MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET, THE PIZZA DELIVERY BOY NOTICE THE BLOOD ON HIS MOUTH, SO HE ASK HIM A QUESTION.

PIZZA BOY: HEY MISTER, WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR MOUTH?

GENTLEMEN: OH!!! IT'S JELLY, I GOT A LITTLE BIT HUNGRY
WAITING FOR THE PIZZA, SO I MADE ME A SANDWICH.

PIZZA BOY: OH, I SEE!!! SO WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR FOREHEAD? PEANUTBUTTER?


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Joke # 912

You can see links before reply

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Joke # 913

Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear of someone's hiding under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him about my problem:

Patient: I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

Psychiatrist: Just put yourself in my hands for one year,come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

Patient: How much do you charge?

Psychiatrist: Eighty dollars per visit.

Patient: I’ll sleep on it.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

Psychiatrist: Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?

Patient: Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!

Psychiatrist: Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

Patient: He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There is nobody under it now!

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Joke # 914

Sa Simbahan Naguusap ang isang Pari at Sakristan.
Pari: pumunta ka na nman sa Bar kagabi! at dalawa pa ang katable mo! ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sayo na iwasan mo na ang pagpunta jan!
Sakristan: Father pano mo nman nlaman?
Pari: Eh nandun din ako sa kabilang lamesa ng GayBar! at itinable mo pa yung paborito kong Macho Dancer, Bruha ka!!!

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Joke # 915

Headless body na-identify sa dental records. Nakilala na ang isang
headless body sa pamamagitan ng kanyang dental records ilang araw matapos na matagpuan din ang kanyang ulo malapit lang sa pinagtapunan ng kanyang katawan.


Bata, kinagat ng langgam, patay! Namatay na ang batang naaksidentematapos kagatin ng langgam. Ayon sa pulisya tumatawid sa kalye ang bata nang kagatin ng langgam sa paa. Yumuko ang bata para tirisin ang langgam kaya hindi niya
napansin ang dumarating na taxi na nakabundol sa kanya.


Kahilingan ng garbage collectors ibinasura. Nagpaplanong mag-aklas ang mga garbage collectors matapos ibasura ng kumpanyang pinapasukan ang kanilang kahilingan na taasan ang kanilang buwanang suweldo.


Rape victim humiling ng re-enactment. Humiling ang isang rape victim ng re-enactment sa ginawang pagtakas sa lalaking nang-rape sa kanya. Ginagawa ng babae ang kahilingan matapos ipagpilitan ng suspek na kusa niyang pinalaya ang biktima. Ayon sa biktima siya ay nakatakas nang makatulog ang suspek matapos ang ginawang pangrirape


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Joke # 916

You can see links before reply

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Joke # 917

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I
don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is
completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have
only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But, if I have
three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

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Joke # 918

Types You Meet in the Men's Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

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Joke # 919

I want to be with u.



I am longing for u.


I have a crush on u.


I want to hug and kiss u.


I love u.


Ikaw,



























love mo rin ba ang letter u?


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Joke # 920

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a Manila jeepny driver had been awarded a higher place than he. "I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, " Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?" "Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said Saint Peter." And when people rode in this man's jeepny, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."


:lol: :rofl: :lmao: :rofl: :lol:


PAHIT NAMAN NG You can see links before reply KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT