aLgiE
30th Apr '07 Mon, 11:05
PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved.
But I have seldom met a
man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the
closure seems
constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to
understand for what it
cuts out of our lives than for what it makes
possible within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did
not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of
social acceptability,
or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
! the logical thing to
do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty
in
their dealings with each other. I looked at older
couples and saw, at best,
mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a
lifetime of loveless nights
and bickering and could not imagine subjecting
myself or someone else to
such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples
who somehow seemed to
glow
in each other's presence. They seemed really in
love, not just dependent
upon each other and tolerant of each other's
foibles. It was an astounding
sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked
myself, can they have survived
so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the
other's habits?
What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
unable to even stay
together, much less love each other? The central
secret seems to be in
choosing well. There is something to the claim of
fundamental compatibility.
Good people can create a bad relationship, even
though they both dearly want
the relationship to succeed. It is important to find
someone with whom you
can create a good relationship from the outset.
Unfortunately, it is hard to
see clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the
way you see yourselves
together. It blinds you to the thousands of little
things by which
relationships eventually survive or fail. You need
to find a way to see
beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination.
Some people choose to
involve themselves sexually and ride out the most
heated period of sexual
attraction in order to see what is on the other
side. This can work, but it
can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny the sexual side
altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
apart from their
sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
presence of unfulfilled
sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from
having any normal
perception of what life would be like together. The
truly lucky people are
the ones who manage to become long- time friends
before they realize they
are attracted to each other. They get to know each
other's laughs, passions,
sadness, and fears. They see each other at
their worst and at their best. They share time
together before they get
swept into the entangling intimacy of their
sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you
fall under the spell of
your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look
beyond it for other
keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter.
Laughter tells you how much
you will enjoy each other's company over the long
term. If your laughter
together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of others, then you
have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter
is the child of surprise.
If you can make each other laugh, you can always
surprise each other. And if
you ! can always surprise each other, you can always
keep the world around
you
new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no
laughter. Even the most
intimate relationships based only on seriousness
have a tendency to turn
sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint
on the world tends to
turn you against those who do not share the same
viewpoint, and your
relationship can become based on being critical
together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with
the world in a way you
respect. When two people first get together, they
tend to see their
relationship as existing only in the space between
the two of them. They
find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the
emotions they are sharing obscures the outside
world. As the relationship
ages and grows, the outside world becomes important
again. If your partner
treats people or circumstances in a way you can't
accept, you will
inevitably come to grief! . Look at the way she
cares for others and deals
with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you
love her more, your love
will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not
respect the way you
each deal with the world around you, eventually the
two of you will not
respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the
mysteries of life. We live on
the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real
life of the heart resides
in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by
the mystery of the unseen
in life and relationships, while the other is drawn
only to the literal and
the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn't become an
unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling
isolated and misunderstood.
There are many other keys, but you must find them by
yourself. We all have
unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not
betray and private
commitments to a vision of life that we will not
deny. If you fall in love
with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable
parts of you, or if you
cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves
growing further apart
until you live in separate worlds where you share
the business of life, but
never touch each other where the heart lives and
dreams. From there it is
only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts
and daily failures that
leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with
their mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will
have chosen a partner with
whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of
marriage can take place in
your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak
of a miracle. But I
think it is not too strong a word. There is a
miracle in marriage. It is
called transformation. Transformation is one of the
most common events of
nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon
becomes the butterfly.
Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We
never question these,
because we see them around us every day. To us they
are not miracles, though
if we did not know them they would be impossible to
believe.
Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.
Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it
begins to flower. We cannot
know the flower that will blossom, but we can be
sure that a bloom will
come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the
bloom will be good. If
you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the
bloom will be flawed. We
are quite willing to accept the reality of negative
transformation in a
marriage. It was negative transformation that always
had me terrified of the
bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.
It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle
that transformed love
into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to
accept the possibility
that the first heat of love could be transformed
into something positive
that was actually deeper and more meaningful than
the heat of fresh passion.
All I could believe in was the power of this passion
and the fear that when
it cooled I would be left with something lesser and
bitter. But there is
positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation, it results
from a slow accretion of little things. But instead
of death by a thousand
blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love.
Two histories
intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate
presence, two separate
consciousnesses come together and share a view of
life that passes before
them. They remain separate, but they also become
one. There is an expansion
of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I
had once feared. This
is not to say that there is not tension> and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part
of every choice of
life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple
lovers. Each choice
contains within it the lingering doubt that the road
not taken somehow more
fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to
the richness that it alone
contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen
and expand and be leavened
by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all
odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know
the pleasure of shared
company, but there is a specific gravity in the
marriage commitment that
deepens that experience into something richer and
more complex.
So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush
into it for the wrong
reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains
within it the power of
transformation.
If you believe in your heart that you have found
someone with whom you are
able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you
can resist the endless
attraction of the road not taken and the partner not
chosen, if you have the
strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons
that your love will
experience, then you may be ready to seek the
miracle that marriage offers.
If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well
made is worth your
patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers
will bloom... endlessly.
by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz
I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved.
But I have seldom met a
man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the
closure seems
constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to
understand for what it
cuts out of our lives than for what it makes
possible within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did
not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of
social acceptability,
or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
! the logical thing to
do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty
in
their dealings with each other. I looked at older
couples and saw, at best,
mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a
lifetime of loveless nights
and bickering and could not imagine subjecting
myself or someone else to
such a fate.
And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples
who somehow seemed to
glow
in each other's presence. They seemed really in
love, not just dependent
upon each other and tolerant of each other's
foibles. It was an astounding
sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked
myself, can they have survived
so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the
other's habits?
What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
unable to even stay
together, much less love each other? The central
secret seems to be in
choosing well. There is something to the claim of
fundamental compatibility.
Good people can create a bad relationship, even
though they both dearly want
the relationship to succeed. It is important to find
someone with whom you
can create a good relationship from the outset.
Unfortunately, it is hard to
see clearly in the early stages.
Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the
way you see yourselves
together. It blinds you to the thousands of little
things by which
relationships eventually survive or fail. You need
to find a way to see
beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination.
Some people choose to
involve themselves sexually and ride out the most
heated period of sexual
attraction in order to see what is on the other
side. This can work, but it
can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny the sexual side
altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
apart from their
sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
presence of unfulfilled
sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from
having any normal
perception of what life would be like together. The
truly lucky people are
the ones who manage to become long- time friends
before they realize they
are attracted to each other. They get to know each
other's laughs, passions,
sadness, and fears. They see each other at
their worst and at their best. They share time
together before they get
swept into the entangling intimacy of their
sexuality.
This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you
fall under the spell of
your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look
beyond it for other
keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter.
Laughter tells you how much
you will enjoy each other's company over the long
term. If your laughter
together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of others, then you
have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter
is the child of surprise.
If you can make each other laugh, you can always
surprise each other. And if
you ! can always surprise each other, you can always
keep the world around
you
new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no
laughter. Even the most
intimate relationships based only on seriousness
have a tendency to turn
sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint
on the world tends to
turn you against those who do not share the same
viewpoint, and your
relationship can become based on being critical
together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with
the world in a way you
respect. When two people first get together, they
tend to see their
relationship as existing only in the space between
the two of them. They
find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the
emotions they are sharing obscures the outside
world. As the relationship
ages and grows, the outside world becomes important
again. If your partner
treats people or circumstances in a way you can't
accept, you will
inevitably come to grief! . Look at the way she
cares for others and deals
with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you
love her more, your love
will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not
respect the way you
each deal with the world around you, eventually the
two of you will not
respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the
mysteries of life. We live on
the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real
life of the heart resides
in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by
the mystery of the unseen
in life and relationships, while the other is drawn
only to the literal and
the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn't become an
unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling
isolated and misunderstood.
There are many other keys, but you must find them by
yourself. We all have
unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not
betray and private
commitments to a vision of life that we will not
deny. If you fall in love
with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable
parts of you, or if you
cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves
growing further apart
until you live in separate worlds where you share
the business of life, but
never touch each other where the heart lives and
dreams. From there it is
only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts
and daily failures that
leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with
their mates.
So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will
have chosen a partner with
whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of
marriage can take place in
your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak
of a miracle. But I
think it is not too strong a word. There is a
miracle in marriage. It is
called transformation. Transformation is one of the
most common events of
nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon
becomes the butterfly.
Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We
never question these,
because we see them around us every day. To us they
are not miracles, though
if we did not know them they would be impossible to
believe.
Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.
Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it
begins to flower. We cannot
know the flower that will blossom, but we can be
sure that a bloom will
come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the
bloom will be good. If
you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the
bloom will be flawed. We
are quite willing to accept the reality of negative
transformation in a
marriage. It was negative transformation that always
had me terrified of the
bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.
It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle
that transformed love
into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to
accept the possibility
that the first heat of love could be transformed
into something positive
that was actually deeper and more meaningful than
the heat of fresh passion.
All I could believe in was the power of this passion
and the fear that when
it cooled I would be left with something lesser and
bitter. But there is
positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation, it results
from a slow accretion of little things. But instead
of death by a thousand
blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love.
Two histories
intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate
presence, two separate
consciousnesses come together and share a view of
life that passes before
them. They remain separate, but they also become
one. There is an expansion
of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I
had once feared. This
is not to say that there is not tension> and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part
of every choice of
life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple
lovers. Each choice
contains within it the lingering doubt that the road
not taken somehow more
fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to
the richness that it alone
contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen
and expand and be leavened
by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all
odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know
the pleasure of shared
company, but there is a specific gravity in the
marriage commitment that
deepens that experience into something richer and
more complex.
So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush
into it for the wrong
reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains
within it the power of
transformation.
If you believe in your heart that you have found
someone with whom you are
able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you
can resist the endless
attraction of the road not taken and the partner not
chosen, if you have the
strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons
that your love will
experience, then you may be ready to seek the
miracle that marriage offers.
If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well
made is worth your
patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers
will bloom... endlessly.