Naku naubusan nanaman:weep:

A Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee,
croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum,
sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:-

American: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread?"
Filipino : "Of course."
American: "We don't. In the
States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them
to Philippines "

American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Filipino : "Of course."
American: "We don't. In the States we eat fruit for breakfast, put all the
peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam
and sell it to Philippines "

Filipino : "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Of course we do."
Filipino : "And what do you do with the condoms?"
American: "Throw them away of course."
Filipino : "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

A Filipino man parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office building, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The Filipino immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the Filipino started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too.

His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the Filipino finally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you Filipino people are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Filipino.

The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh My God!" screamed the Filipino. "My Rolex is gone!"

IBAT-IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifiying glass.

REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!

TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.

PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!

ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!

AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.

AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jusko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

ok b?:dance:

tatay at anak

anak: tay, totoo bang first love never dies?

tatay: oo naman anak!

anak: bakit po tay?

tatay: tingnan mo ang nanay mo, hangang ngaun
buhay pa!

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. The lift will be down presently,the receptionist told him.
The lift? said the American. Oh, you mean the elevator.
No, I mean the lift.replied the Englishman.
I think I should know what it is called, said the American. Elevators were invented in the States.
Perhaps,retorted the Englishman.
But we invented the language.

Iím very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver, said the friend to the old man.

Oh, dont worry, I can drive.

A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, "How many times have you been imprisoned?
"Nine, you Honour."
Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.

Maximum sentence? said the defendant. Dont you give your regular clients a discount??!!??

"One man to another. I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a woman who'll make me happy."

"Make up your mind."

Isko : oh francisca, pwede ko bang ipasok ang ga-braso kong pag-ibig sa butas ng iyong pagmamahal?

Iska : oh Francisco aking irog, dahan-dahan ka sa iyong pananalita, hindi mo lang alam nakakabuntis ka ng damdamin.

Dagdag Famous Lines
------------------------
"Pinapaikot mo lang ako.
Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti
pang patayin mo na lang
ako."
-electric fan
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng walang
salawal ay bastos"
-winnie d' pooh
------------------------
"Alam mo ba wala akong
ibang hinangad kundi ang
mapalapit saio. Pero
patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"
-ipis
------------------------
"Hala! Sige magpakasasa
ka! Alam ko namang katawan
ko lang ang habol mo."
-hipon
------------------------
"Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal
ako lagi na lang maraming
tao ang nagagalit! Wala
ba akong karapatang
magmahal?!?"
-gasolina
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng green
ay masustansya."
-plema
------------------------
"Hindi ko hinahangad na
ipagmalaki mo na ako'y
sau. Ayoko ko lang naman
na sa harap ng maraming
tao ganun mo na lang ako
itanggi.."
-utot
------------------------
"Sawang sawa na ako
palagi nalang akong
pinagpapasa-pasahan,
pagod na pagod na ako."
-bola
------------------------
"You never know what you
have till you lose it.
And once you lose it, you
can never get it back"
-snatcher
------------------------
"Hindi lahat ng pink,
KIKAY!"
-majin boo
------------------------
"Ginawa ko naman lahat
para sumaya ka. Mahirap ba
talagang makontento sa isa?
Bakit palipat-lipat ka?"
-TV
------------------------
"Sige, batihin mo ako....
Sigeee.....
BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
-omelette
------------------------
Pilitin mo man na alisin
ako sa buhay mo, babalik
at babalik ako!
-libag
------------------------
"Paano tayo makakabuo kung
hindi ako papatong sa iyo?"
-lego
------------------------

Luis: Nakakita ka na ba ng elepanteng nagtatago sa highway?

Sam: Hindi pa. Ikaw, nakakita ka na?

Luis: Tanga! Makikita mo ba ‘yun eh nagtatago nga?!


*********

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?

Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma’am!

Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.

Juan: Pero ma’am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

*********

Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!

Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?

Jun-jun: ‘Sino ang walang assignment?’


**********

Si Superman, Man Of Steel, ‘di ba?

Hindi tinatablan ng bala at kutsilyo… Bumabaluktot ang karayom sa kanya.

Eto ang tanong…

Tuli na kaya siya? Paano siya tutuliin?

**********

Sumulat si Malaki sa kanyang tatay:

"Dear Tatay… Padalhan mo kami ng isang kilong bigas at isang dosenang itlog. Ang iyong anak, Malaki"

Lumabas si Malaki at pumasok si Maliit. Napunit ni Maliit ang sulat.

Idinikit ni Maliit sa pamamagitan ng tape.

Inutusan ni Malaki si Maliit na ipadala ang sulat.

Pagbasa ng kanilang tatay:

"Dear bigas… Padalhan mo kami ng isang kilong Tatay at isang dosenang anak. Ang iyong itlog, Malaki"

Hahahahahahaha.....:lol:

Funny Tips on Life



1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place, you fat b******s.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a
Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes?

We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build target.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a media studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Funny Questions
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If Tesco's is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already
there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on,
when it's off you can't see to read.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is American FOOTball played by hand?

The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
The best thing for you to do,í the doctor said, ëis give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.
Doctor, I dont deserve the best,said the patient.
What ís next best?

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
Excuse me, said the woman sitting next to him. But, would you mind explaining why youre doing this?

It scares away the elephants,replied the drunk.

But I dont see any elephants around here,said the woman.

Effective, isnt it?crowed the drunk.

The editor of a small weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had
recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF
OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were
outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement.
He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline:
HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS.

After they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers,

Im busy, he said. Ill do the next one.

The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled.

Oh,he replied finally. I didnt mean the next diaper.
I meant the next baby!

Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says..... Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!"

The passerby says.... "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”

The person says.... "I no American, I Vietnamese”.

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!”

Puzzled he asks her...... "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work!"

Our HERO WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big
MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on
chat

Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find
you on
Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some
Coffee.

Hero: OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime
number,
Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you,
if I
Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for
Female to
Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps
asking
****** Things, tries to give me ****** work

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers
are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime
Number,
given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know
it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Urmail in an hour from
now.
ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU
KNOW
WHO I AM!!
AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

English Grammar


To Marjie,



I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason
you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that
Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he
really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at
first,Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam
all his walks and always calling to their house what he go home or this
or that and then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in
his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very, very fat
body but you hate it thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows
about what do you think you are "Beautiful Girl " of Jose Marie Chan
even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right
to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other
for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call
you names iether in the front of Dennis orin the backs of Dennis, but
if you start already to calling me different name, I don't haveany
other choice but to call you other different name to like you are a
PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl.




Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. YOu can't not blame Dennis
for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when
you look to us in the mirror.



I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.

P.S. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to
kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.



There you go.

### Walang assignment

Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng
titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

### Hugis ng Mundo

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya
ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang
bilog?

### Calendar Method



Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method.
Bakit ako nabuntis?!
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

### Are you free tonight?

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:
Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... Huwag naman
FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

### Bumbayin

Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay
yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

### Si Kuya

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: Shit! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt? Kilala ko siya!
Tatawagin ko, ha...... Kuyaaahhh!!!


### Lawsuit

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo.
Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshue: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng
abugado yun?!

###Deal or No Deal

Tatanggalin ang 26 girls sa Deal Or No Deal.
Macho Men na ang ipapalit na nakasuot ng brief na
may number. Kaya ang sasabihin na ni Kris,
"Gentlemen, open your brief case!"

### Corrected by

Minsan, sa dami ng mga bagay sa paligid, hindi mo na
alam kung ano ang tama at mali. Pero huwag kang
padadala sa mga ito. Basta tama, i-check mo!
Pag mali, wrong mo! Tapos, lagyan mo ng
"CORRECTED BY:"

### Radio Request

Sa 1 Radio Stn. may 1 la2ki ang nagre2quest ng song:
DJ : Kanino mo i de-dedicate ang song?
LA2KI: S Biyenan ko po!
DJ: Wow! Bihira ang ganyang nag rerequest pra sa
kanyang biyenan, e ano namang kanta ang gusto mong
irequest?
LA2KI: Devil Woman!

###Magpakonsulta

Mister: I don't know what's wrong with me. I eat
like
a bird, work like a horse and I'm tired as a dog.
Misis: Masama yan. Bakit hindi ka magpakonsulta sa
beterinaryo?

###Matanda Na

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po...
manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si
Lolo sa inyo!

### Saan Tayo
GF: Saan tayo?
BF: Punta tayo roon... sa madilim!
GF: Ha?
BF: Trust me!
GF: Ok.
Pagdating sa madilim...
GF: Bakit ka naghubo?
BF: Huwag kang maingay!
GF: Maghuhubo rin ako!
BF: Bakit? Tatae ka rin ba?

### Sinungaling daw

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem
mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An
honest man, a good man, a family man" etcetera.

Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak,
"Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga
ang nasa loob!"

English Movies Translated in Tagalog

1. black hawk down - ibong maitim sa ibaba
2. dead man's chest - dodo ng patay
3. i know what you did last summer - uyy... aminin!
4. love, actually - sa totoo lang, pag-ibig
5. million dollar baby - 50 million pisong sanggol (it depends on the
exchange rate of the country)
6. the blair witch project - ang proyekto ng bruhang si blair
7. mary poppins - si mariang may putok
8. snakes on a plane - nag-ahasan sa ere
9. the postman always rings twice - ang kartero kapag dumutdot laging
dalawang beses
10. sum of all fears - takot mo, takot ko, takot nating lahat
11. swordfish - talakitok
12. pretty woman - ganda ng lola mo
13. robin hood, men in tights - si robin hood at ang mga felix bakat
14. four weddings and a funeral - kahit 4 na beses ka pang magpakasal,
mamamatay
ka rin
15. the good, the bad and the ugly - ako, ikaw, kayong lahat
16. harry potter and the sorcerer's stone - adik si harry, tumira ng shabu
17. click - isang pindot ka lang
18. brokeback mountain - may nawasak sa likod ng bundok ng tralala /bumigay
sa bundok
19. the day of the dead - ayaw tumayo (ng mga patay)
20. waterworld - basang-basa
21. there's something about mary - may kwan sa ano ni maria
22. employee of the month - ang sipsip
23. resident evil - ang biyenan
24. kill bill - kilitiin sa bilbil
25. the grudge - lintik lang ang walang ganti
26. nightmare before christmas - binangungot sa noche buena
27. never been kissed - pangit kasi
28. gone in 60 seconds - 1 round, tulog
29. the fast and the furious - ang bitin, galit
30. too fast, too furious - kapag sobrang bitin, sobrang galit
31. dude, where's my car - dong, anong level ulit tayo nag-park?
32. beauty and the beast - ang asawa ko at ang nanay nya
33. the lord of the rings - ang alahero

ENGLISH TAGALOG DICTIONARY

l. Contemplate- Kulang sa pinggan
2. Punctuation-Pera para maka-enrol
3. Ice Buko-Nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
4. Tenacious-Sapatos na pang-tennis
5. Calculator-Tawagan kita mamaya
6.Devastation-Sakayan ng bus
7. Protestant-Tindahan ng prutas
8. Statue-Ikaw ba yan?
9. Tissue-Ikaw nga!
l0. Predicate-Pakawalan mo ang pusa
ll. Dedicate-Pinatay ang pusa
l2. Aspect-Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
l3. Deduct-Ang pato
l4. Defeat-Ang paa (ng pato)

l5. Detail-Ang buntot (ng pato)
l6/17 Deposit/Diploma-Ang gripo 9Call DIPLOMA if
DEPOSIT is leaking)

l8. City-bago mag utso
l9.Cattle-Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
20.Persuading-Unang Kasal
21. Depress-Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
22. Defense-Ginamit ng mga nagsulat sa
kontrata sa PERSUADING
23. It Depends-Kainin mo ang bakod
24. Shampoo-Bago mag-labing isha (11)
25.Delusion-Maluwang (kapag maluwag ang
damit, eh DELUSION)
25. Delivery-Walang bayad. Kapag working-lunch,
eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27.Profit-Patunayan mo
28. Balance Sheet-What comes out after eating a
balanced diet
29. Backlog- Bacon saka egg
30. Beehive -Magpakatino ka
31.CD-ROM- Tingnan mo ang kuwarto
32. Debug -Ang ipis
33. Defrag- Ang palaka
34.Defense-Ang bakod
35.Defer-Ang balahibo
36.Deflate- Ang plato
37.Detest- Ang eksamin
38.Devalue-Yon ang susonod sa letrang V
39-Devote-Ang boto
40. Dilemma- Brownout,a!
41.Effort-'Dun nag la-land ang efflane
42.Forums-Apat na kwarto
43.July- Nagsinungaling ka ba?
44.Liturgy-What comes after litur F
45.Thesis- Ito ay...

The new priest-

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

-----
The application-

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
-----
Dam fish-( warning for explicit words)

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson-

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his friend.
Watson yawns: "What is it, Holmes?" -
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" -
"And what do you deduce from that?" -
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are innumberable planets and galaxies.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I see that God is allmighty and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you?" -
Holmes sighs.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
-----
How great women are-

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you Completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever and evil , Don't mess with them.........
-----
Four churches-

There were four country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church,
the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
and the Catholic Church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called
a meeting to decide what to do about the
squirrels. After much prayer and
consideration they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there
and they shouldn't interfere with God's
divine will.

In the Methodist Church, the squirrels
had taken up habitation in the
baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl
and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels
escaped somehow and there were twice as
many there the next week.

The Baptist Church got together and
decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creation. So, they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set
them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the
best and most effective solution. They
baptized the squirrels and registered
them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on
Christmas and Easter...

nice joke .its fan to read it

Telecom History

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Japanese".

One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless. :clap:

astig yung mga jokes dito....:rofl: :rofl:

..::PADALA GALING AMERIKA::..

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy and isang anak, Ay! naku! Tingnan mo yan... hindi sila ma runong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay. Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng...

Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid. Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000.00 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa angeksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod:

Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam. Ang addidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo. Ang ibat-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sanay hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene.

Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ngpokemon trading cards at stickers. Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta. Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party. May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong at Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa yung mga pamangkin ko at yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume. Ang tig dadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak mo diko na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay. Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashingliquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh angnakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan. Isang dosenang Wonder bra na gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iska, suot-suotdin ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo yan, tiya. anim na lipstick langang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay. May is inisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon. Iyong tong na makokolekta sa monte. I-time deposit niyo. kuya, para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul.

Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) na gustong-gusto mo ditse. Kunin mo na rin gad. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto. Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak namalalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo. Isang Ray Ban ladies sunglass na pa birthday ko kay Ninang Berta, hindi ko na pinasuot kay nanay. Isiniksik ko na lang sa may bandang ulunan ni nanay. Nasa pink na plastik na maliit. Mga Chanel at Champion na medyas, suot suot din ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo, mga pamangkin ko. Mga pampers, panty liners, cotton buds, cotton balls, table napkins at mga scotch brite na may foam ay natatakpan ng mga puting bath towels.... yon bale ang pinangkutson ko sa kabaong ni nanay. Marami-rami rin iyon. Parte-parte rin kayo. Marami pa akong ipinagsisiksik kung saan-saang parte gaya ng cafe, coffee creamer, ilang vienna sausage na de lata, barbie dolls, toothbrush, paper cups, plastic spoons and forks, paper at styrofoam plates, perfume, cologne, ballpens, stationeries, envelopes, bar soaps, match box toys, used t-shirts, hand towels, CD. VHS tapes, padlock, tools gayang screw driver, plais, long nose, atbp. Na hindi ko na na itemize dahil nagmamadali ako at graveyard shift ako ngayon. Marami pasana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang e-mail address ko. Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.


Nagmamahal,
..::B E B E N G::..

..::BOY NGO-NGO::..


Tinawag ni Inay si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo.
Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork and Beans.
Omo inay, ang sagot ni Boy.
Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera, Aning Metra, ngamuta na mo ngayo? (Kamusta na po kayo?)
Mabuti naman, ang sagot ni Petra, ano ang kailangan mo Boy? Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen, ang tanong ni Boy.
Ano kamo, Boy? sabi ni Petra. Isa mong Mo e Meen, ang ulit ni Boy. Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan.
Mo e Meen, Mo e Meen, nyung nata lata. Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin.
O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi. Letter B? Ang tanong ng tindera. Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines.
Ha??? Mi!
Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet, Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em,Nyee.. En, Em, En, O, Mi...
Ahhh, P! Letter P! ang masiglang sagot ni Petra.
Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen! Sige ituloy mo Boy. P...
Ngo! Ano kamo? Kumanta ulit, Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O...
Ahhh, aling petra O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa. Netter Arrng! Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy. Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng.
Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. P-O-R?
Hindi ko pa rin makuha, Boy.Anong letter and susunod?
Ngey. Letter A? Ini ho, sabay buntung-hininga si Boy. Ngey! A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga! Ka! Aling Petra ahhh... Letter K, P-O-R-K, Ahhh Pork!!! Oo. Mo e Meen Pork and??
Ang tanong ni Petra.Oo!! Mo e Meen!!! Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!! Pork and Beans!!!
Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!! ang masayang sigaw ni Boy. Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!! Oo. Mo e Meen! Ay, naku... wala!

wahahahahaha!!!aus 2ng joke na 2!!!! bd3p ung ngo ngo na un!., hahaha mo e meen! :rofl:

..::TSISMOSANG KUTU::..
Ito ang kwento ng dalawang tsismosang kutu na galing sa lower part at upper part ng babae, aheh!
Isang araw c MARIA [kutu A], at c INGGA [kutu B] ay nag meet sa pusud ng isang babae...
Tanung ni MARIA kay INGGA, oi INGGA musta ka na po? sagot naman ni INGGA kay MARIA, e2 po oki naman, alam mo b galing ako sa taas [upper part ng babae], me na discover ako, merun aku nkitang plantation ng sibuyas... Ang baho nga eh, nahilo ako, nkk suka nga ung amoy nya eh!, tapos sa tulin kong lumakad, nkarating ako sa dalawang bundok... na ang ganda2x nga ng itsura, daig p ung mayon volcano sa hubog, talagang perfect sya, den medyu adventurer ung lola mo... kaya pra kong umaakyat sa mount everest ang taas kc eh! Nung n reach ko na ung pinaka peak ng dalawang bundok, nka kita ko ng plantation ng pasas [raisin], kya e2 busug na busug ako...
Kaw maria san k nman galing, medyu ma action ung napuntahan ko eh! Galing ako sa ibaba [lower part ng babae], me nakita kong malaking cueba[cave], tapos sa labas nya ang dame dameng damo, ang kapal2x ng damo, nag kanda ligaw2x nga ako eh! Kc di ako masakto sa cueba eh! Peru natuntun ko rin ba, aheh!
Nung nrating ko ung cueba, ang ganda at ang laki nya... Nung nasa bukana n ko ng cueba, pumasok n ko. Hmmmppp... Sobra dilim INGGA, npaka dilim talaga, den mea mea, me nkita kong pumapasok na galit na galit at suntok ng suntok, kaya ang ginawa ko ilag ako ng ilag, siguru mga 20mins din yung eksenang yun, haayyyy... Tuwing mag lalabas masok yung galit n galit na yun, ilag ako ng ilag to the max, haaayyyy... npaka bastos pa nya, kc mea2x pa ulit bigla akong dinuran, saksakan ng bastos, kaya e2 INGGA, basang basa ako, aheh!

Dyan nag tatapos ang kwentuhan ng dalawang tsismosang kutu... waaaahhhhhh!!!!

::Ano ang dapat gawin kung tinatamad kang magtrabaho::


Huwag aabsent.

Huwag male-late.

Pagkaupo mo sa iyong lamesa, buksan isa-isa ang drawer at magkalkal. Kunwari ay may hinahanap.

Pagkatapos mong magkalkal, tumayo ka at tunguhin ang mga filing cabinet. Maghanap ka ng ipis.
Kung wala kang mahanap, tingnan mo ang iyong incoming & outgoing tray. Kalkalin at maghanap ng mga
natira sa iyong mga kinutkot kahapon. Huwag kakainin muli. Labag sa kagandahang asal. Kung
naglalaway ka sa mga iyon ay kunin mo ang nagamit mong tissue paper na nailagay mo sa iyong front
drawer at ipunas sa laway mo. Pagkatapos ay ilagay muli sa drawer. Maaari mo pang magamit iyon
bukas. Malaking katipiran sa iyo.

Kung biglang dumating ang iyong boss, hawakan kaagad ang telepono at magsalita. Kunwari ay
tinatanong ka ng iyong kausap tungkol sa mga dokumento. Sumagot ka ng "Oh! I am sorry but I will
bring that to your office immediately." Kumuha kaagad ng kahit anong folder at magpaalam ng maayos
at buong giliw sa iyong boss. Lumabas ng nagmamadali.

Pumunta ka sa CR. Magsuklay. Tingnan mabuti ang sarili. Mag-retouch kung babae. Tingnan kung
baligtad ang underwear na naisuot at kung lalaki, maghilamos at basain ng konti ang buhok. Magtiris
ng mga taghiyawat. Magtagal ng mga limang minuto.

Pagkabalik mo sa iyong opisina, buksan ang computer. Hintaying matapos ang Auto Scan. Marami ring
minuto ang magugugol dito. Magbukas ng isang file... Isa pa... at isa pa uli...!!! Pumunta sa
ccmail, tingnan ang inbox kung may hindi pa nababasa. Magbasa. Kunwari ay bagong pasok ka lamang sa
Grade One.

Pagkatapos ay kunin ang mga dapat gawing report. Titigang mabuti. Pag-aralan ang klase ng papel na
ginamit. Bilangin kung ilang words ang nagamit.

Kung may tumawag sa telepono, kaagad sagutin. Huwag mong hayaang ibaba kaagad ng kausap.
Kumustahin. Tanungin tungkol sa mga National Issues katulad ng tungkol sa mga jokes kay Erap o kaya
ang pagkamatay ni Princess Di. Kumustahin din ang latest style ng kanyang damit pati na kung saan
nagpapa-manicure at pedicure. Huwag lalagpas ng isang oras ang pakikipag-usap. Magagalit ang iyong
boss.

Kung may report na tatapusin, tapusin ng eksakto sa deadline hour. Kung may ita-type, magtype ng 10
wpm.

Tunguhin ang mga file na inipon sa loob ng ilang araw. Ayusin isa-isa habang ini-imagine ang sarili
na sumasahod ng 15,000 pesos isang buwan. Huwag tatapusin. Magtira ng para sa ilang araw na gawain.

Palaging magtungo sa CR. Kunwari ay may LBM. Palagi ring bumisita sa ibang department,
makipagchikahan.

Huwag mong titingnan ang iyong relo habang ginagawa mo ang lahat ng nasa itaas. Kapag ginawa mo
iyon ay lalo kang maiinip. Hayaang mag-enjoy ang sarili sa iyong katamaran. Magugulat ka na lamang
na "time" na pala para umuwi.

Ayusin ang lamesa na para bang napakarami ng iyong trinabaho. At bago umuwi, dumaan ng CR. Tingnan
at hipuin ang mukha kung gaano kakapal ang kalyo sa mukha! Huwag pansinin ang mga kasamahan na mula umaga ay tingin ng
tingin sa iyo. Hindi naman sila ang nagpapasuweldo.

http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o114/JUNE12767/smilegreen.gif

after a check-up, doc talked to a wife about husbands condition..Doc: your husband is suffering from a severe stress and could either have a heart attack or a stroke if you dont followmy orders. make him a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner.send him to work in a good mood. dont stress him.dont let him do housework.have sex with him several times a week with you satisfying him............On the way home, husband asked wife what the doc said..she replied, Your are going to Die! :lmao:

share ko lang..

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."

Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again missed and under his breath the said, "I f**king missed again."

The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or God will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k!"

The priest said, "That’s it, God will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the religious priest.

In the distance a deep voice said, "F**k, I missed!"

A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

"Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked.....

"No sh*t!" :clap:

Tee Hee "SOAP"

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese
Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry
was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!" ;)

this is a story i copied from a book..

LINGGO noon. Nakatakda ang araw na 'yon para
sa date namin ng
girlfiend kong si Maji. Pero tumawag s'ya sa 'kin at
sinabing cancel muna ang date dahil sasamahan
niya daw
ang kanyang tita sa isang importanteng lakad.
Sabi ko okay lang,
naintindihan ko. Subalit dahil wala akong magawa
sa bahay at talagang
bored ako noon, ako na lang ang pumunta sa mall
at nanood ng sine
mag-isa. Libang na libang ako sa paggagala sa
mall, di ko alam na iyon
na
pala ang katapusan ng mundo.

Pagpasok ko sa entrada ng sinehan, nagulat ako
sa nakita sa may snack
bar. Si Maji! At may kasama siya--hindi ang
kanyang tita--kundi isang
lalaki. Nakaakbay pa ito sa kanya. Shocked ako
pero ganunpaman, gusto
kong ipaalam sa kanya na nandoon ako at nahuli
ko siya. Pero di man
lamang s'ya nagulat nang makita ako. Relaxed
s'ya at nakangiti pang
sinabi sa 'kin: "Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." "Ha?"
Di na 'ko
nakapagsalita.

Gusto kong magalit sa kanya. Gusto kong sapakin
ang lalaki. Gusto kong
umiyak.

Pero kinimkim ko ang lahat ng aking naramdaman
at sinabing "Wala akong
magagawa...basta kung saan ka masaya.."

Tumalikod ako agad at pumasok sa loob ng
sinehan. Doon ko ibinuhos
ang lahat ng pinigilan kong lumabas sa aking mga
mata. Komedi ang palabas at nagtatawanan ang
mga tao sa paligid
ko ngunit ako nama'y abala sa pagdadrama sa
aking kinauupuan.
Natapos ang pelikula na di ko naintindihan ang
istorya. Wala ako sa
sarili hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa boarding house.

Kinabukasan, nagdesisyon akong umuwi sa
probinsiya namin upang
makalimot. Mataas ang araw noon at mainit ang
biyahe, pero wala pa
ring tigil ang ulan at bagyo sa aking mga mata.
Mabigat pa sa aking mga bagahe ang dinadala ko
sa aking
dibdib. Kahit na wala pa kaming isang taon ni Maji,
masakit pa rin sa
'kin ang
nangyari dahil mahal ko talaga s'ya. Di pa man
nakakalabas ng
Maynila ang bus na aking sinasakyan, bigla kong
naisip na bumaba.
Wala nang silbi pang mabuhay kaya naisip kong
magpakamatay na lang.

Inakyat ko ang isang billboard ng GMA7 kung
saan nakalarawan dito ang
final 14 ng Starstruck. Dream, believe,
survive. "Kagaguhan!" sabi
ko. "Tingnan ko lang kung makaka-survive pa 'ko
pag tumalon ako mula
rito...

maliban na lang kung may pipigil." Pero wala
ngang pumigil. Dahil
walang nagmamalasakit.

Walang nagmamahal. Tumalon ako. "
Aaaahhh...blag!"

Nabagok ang aking ulo sa gulong ng trak ng
MMDA na sa mga oras na 'yon

ay nagsasagawa ng wet flag scheme. Hindi naman
ako namatay.

Wala lang akong maalala pagbangon ko. "Sino
ako? Anong ginagawa ko
rito?"

tanong ko sa sarili ko. Nagka-amnesia ako.

Mula noon ay nagpalaboy-laboy ako sa lansangan.
Sa ilalim ng overpass
ako natutulog at doo'y madalas na ka-jamming ko
ang mga taong-grasa at mga rugby boys.
Namalimos ako sa daan,
papunas-punas ng mga sapatos ng pasahero ng
jeep, o kaya'y
humihingi ng 'love offering' sa mga pasahero ng
bus. Umasenso naman
ako hanggang sa makapagtinda na 'ko ng fishball,
squidball, at
kwek-kwek.
Kung anu-anong trabaho ang pinasukan ko para
lang may maipanlaman sa
kumukulo kong tiyan. Nagbenta rin ako ng mga
pirated na CD,
VCD, at DVD. Pero di pa rin sapat ang kinikita ko
sa pagbebenta ng mga
produkto kaya ibenenta ko na rin pati ang aking
sariling laman.
Nagpagamit ako sa kung sinu-sinong bakla at mga
matrona. Kumita ako ng
malaki. Subalit sadyang malupit sa akin ang
tadhana dahil sa isang
iglap ay nawala lahat ng aking pinaghirapan.
Nadukot ang wallet ko
nang makipagsiksikan ako sa libing ni FPJ.
Nalungkot akong lubha at nawalan ng pag-asang
makabangon pang muli.
Nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. May nag-
text. Sabi sa message,
ang Oracle

daw ang tanging makapagbabalik sa aking alaala.
Nag-reply ako: hu u?

Pero di na s'ya nag-text back. Di ko alam kung
saan ko hahanapin si
Oracle.

Nilibot ko ang kamaynilaan. Ipina-blotter sa pulis.
Ngunit kahit anino
ni Oracle

o ni Madam Auring ay di ko nakita.

Naisip kong baka wala s'ya sa siyudad kaya
pumunta ako sa mga
probinsiya. Nakarating ako sa kabundukan ng
Quezon Province pero mga
illegal loggers lang ang nadatnan ko. Nilisan ko
ang lugar na 'yon at
sa pagbaba ko ng bundok, nasalubong ko ang
mga nagtatakbuhang...
hobbits! -- sina Frodo, Samwise, Merry, Pippin, at
si... Dagul yata
ang pangalan ng isa. Hinahabol daw sila, hindi ng
mga ringwraiths
kundi mga.. battle droids ng Starwars! "Huh?!
Ano 'to?!! Nasa'n ba
ako?!!!" Sa sobrang lito ay nakitakbo na rin ako.
Napakaraming kalaban. Libo-libong droids.
Kakampi pa yata
nila ang mga robot sa I, Robot.

Mabuti na lang at dumating ang mga astig na
superheroes: sina
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Daredevil, Blade,
Van Helsing, Elektra,
X-Men, Charlie's Angels, Powerpuff Girls, the
Incredibles, Voltes V,
Mulawin, Capt. Barbell, Darna, Volta, Krystala,
Lastikman, Panday,
Andres Bonifacio...marami pang iba.

Madaling natalo ang mga kalaban. Subalit...
sugatan si Frodo. May
tama siya. At may iniabot siya sa akin --isang
singsing! May elvish
inscriptions dito na sa tingin ko'y hindi kayang i-
decode kahit ni
Dan Brown. Pero bago pa man malagutan ng
hininga si Frodo, nasabi
niya sa akin ang kahulugan ng nakasulat: "God
will never leave you
empty. He will replace everything you lost. If He
asks you to put
something down, it's because He wants you to
pick up something better
and best for you." Inilagay ko ang singsing sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon at nangakong iingatan ko iyon.

Samantala, nagdiwang ang mga superheroes sa
pagtatagumpay. Gumimik
sila sa Libis at nag-inuman. Sasama sana ako
pero sabi ko kailangan

kong umuwi ng bahay dahil ending na ng Lovers in
Paris.

Pero naalala ko na may amnesia pala ako at di ko
alam
kung saan ako nakatira kaya sumama na rin ako.
Habang nagdi-disco
ang Justice League kasama ang Marvel
superheroes, nagtugtugan at
nagkantahan naman ang mga anime' heroes.
Panalo sa Japan!

May ledge dancing pa sina Wonder Woman,
Catwoman, Black Mamba, at
Sailor Moon!

Pero di rin kami nagtagal sa lugar na 'yon. May
nagyaya kasi na
pumunta sa Baywalk dahil may show daw doon
ang The Bodies.

Ang saya-saya! Idagdag mo na lang si Kuya
Germs, kahit wala nang
tulugan!

Subalit naudlot ang kasayahang iyon nang biglang
lumindol... at mula sa Manila Bay ay dumating ang
isang
dambuhalang... TSUNAMI!!! Swooossshhh!!!
Naitaboy ang mga
superheroes. Hindi nakayanan ng kanilang powers
na pigilin ang dumating
na
sakuna. Mabilis na bumaha ang paligid at nalunod
kaming lahat. Oo, pati
sina Aquaman, Marina, at Nemo. Patay kaming
lahat. Dumilim ang
kapaligiran. Katahimikan.

"Gising! Gising!" Isang tinig ng lalaki ang
narinig ko. Pagdilat ko, nakita ko ang isang
lalaki. "May tiket na po
ba
kayo? Sa'n po kayo bababa?"

"Huh?!" nagulat ako. Kunduktor pala iyon ng bus.
Panaginip lang pala ang lahat! Nasa bus pa pala
ako at pauwi ng
probinsiya. "Sa Tarlac po," sabi ko sa kanya pero
ang mga mata
ko'y nakatitig sa kanyang t-shirt na may nakasulat
na "the Oracle".
Parang narinig ko pa si Morpheus na
bumubulong: "Welcome to the
real world..."

Buhay pa ako. May pamilya at mga kaibigang
nagmamahal sa akin. May
tirahang nauuwian, may magandang hanapbuhay,
at... virgin pa 'ko!

Habang nasa biyahe, naisip ko, napakababaw na
dahilan pala ang iwan
ka ng boyfriend o girlfriend mo para
magpakamatay
ka. I have to stand up and move on. Lalaki ako at
di dapat ako
maging mahina. Di dapat ako maging tanga para
sa isang gaga at
walang kwentang babae. Naisip ko rin na mabuti
na rin ang nangyari at
nakilala ko nang maaga ang tunay niyang kulay
bago pa man humaba
ang relasyon namin. Hindi siya ang karapat-dapat
sa akin.

Nasa gate na'ko ng aming bahay nang may
tumawag sa aking pangalan. Si
Rizi, kababata ko, kapitbahay namin. Sabi niya
umalis daw ang lahat
ng tao sa bahay namin at iniwan sa kanya ang
susi. Nang abutin ko ang susi sa kanya, doon ko
lang s'ya nakaharap
nang malapitan at doon ko rin lang napansin na
maganda pala siya.
Matapos akong magpasalamat ay sinuklian
n'ya 'ko ng isang matamis na
ngiti.
(Cue: new Coca-cola theme song)

Pagpasok sa bahay, diretso agad ako sa banyo
upang makapaghilamos.
Maginaw sa loob ng banyo at malamig ang tubig.
Pero may naramdaman akong mainit na bagay sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon. Dinukot ko ito at nakita ko ang isang...
singsing.

THE END


All rights reserved. No part of this story may be
reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, without
the written
permission of the author, except where permitted
by law.

The names of the characters, places, and events
are all fictitious.
Any similarity with reality is coincidental. No
animals were hurt
during the making of the story.

Some dialogues are not suitable for young readers.
Parental guidance is hereby advised.

Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, induce
vomiting

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." :nakupo:

PARI nagsermon sa simbahan,sa harap nandoon si Juan nakikinig ngsermon ,noon sinabi ng pari ang ten commander , thou shall not steal Natakot si Juan at nanginginig pinanapawisan ,kinakapa niya ang puwet niya, pero Noon sinabi ng pari ...thou shall not commit adultery, Nagulat si Juan at nasiyahan siya naging kalmado...napuna ito ng Pari ...Sa uwian kinausap ng Pari si Juan...iho sabi ng pari napuna kita, ng nagsermon ako lalo noon sinabi ko thou shall not steal ...kasi padre noon sinabi ninyong thou shall not steal ,nawawala ang wallet ko kaya natakot , pero noon sinabi ninyong thou shall not commit adultery naalaala ko kung saan ko naiwan ang wallet ko... ;)

Nakakasalat
Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho! :lol:

Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other and be at your house at the same time. ;)

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" ;)

A DINNER CONVERSATION
>
>WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>
>HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>
>WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
>
>HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>
>WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>
>HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
>
>WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
>
>HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
>
>WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
>HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>
>WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>
>HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
>WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
>
>HUSBAND: "I guess so."
>
>WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
>
>HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>
>WIFE: - - - silence - - -
>
>HUSBAND: "sh*t."

:nakupo:

Woman Wonders About a "Special" Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line." :clap:

This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a
young
college girl who passed away last month.
Her name was Summera. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boy
friend
named Arif. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the
phone.
You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed
her phone from Smart to Globe, so both of them can be on the same
network,
and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of
the
day talking with Arif. Summera's family knew about their relationship.
Arif was very close with Summera's family. (Just imagine their love).
Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass away
please
bury me with my hand phone" she also said the same thing to her
parents.>
>>
After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of
them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had
tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually,
they
called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to
himself
slowly.
After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". Then her
friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone.
He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside the
casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and
they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. Summera's
parents did not inform Arif that Summera had passed away. After 2 weeks
Arif called Summera,s mom. Arif:"I'm coming home today. Cook something
nice
for me.
Dont tell Summera that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her." Her
mother replied..... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something
very
important." after he came, they told him the truth about Summera.
Arif thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said
"don't try to fool me - tell Summera to come out, i have a gift for her
Please stop this nonsense". Then they showed him her grave. He said...
"It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me.
Arif was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. "See this is from Summera,
see this..." he showed the phone to Summera,s family. All of them told
him
to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his
conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the
actual
voice of Summera & there was no way others could use her SIM card since
it
was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the
Feng
Shuie Master's help again. The Master brought his co-masters to solve
this
matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one
thing...


Globe has the best coverage. Where ever you go, their network follows
(hehehehehehehe)!!!

A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks.

A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way.

Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual."

To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?"

"Yeah, my wife does.":lol:
**************************
A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.

The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do."

Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?"

"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied.

"Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered.

"Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.":nakupo:

Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan
na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.

"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat
sa iyo."

"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."

"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"

"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang
importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo
rito sa mundo."

"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita
sana ay patawarin mo ako."

"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita nilason." ;)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. :salute:

[Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned. hahaha.... :nakupo:

Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'" :clap: :clap: :clap:

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window." :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

A German guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer.
Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them,
but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that no one will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!" :rofl:
- - - - - - - -

What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?

White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....".
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherf*ckers ain't gonna believe this sh*t....." :lol:

What is a burning desire?

It is when in the dark you are reaching for the Petroleum jelly but instead takes the Vaporub! : :lmao:
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Why does the dog licks his ass?.....because he knows he will be licking his owner’s face shortly. :lmao:
- - - - - - - - - - - -

Spinster’s will was read after her funeral and she wanted the following on her tombstone:
”Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.“
The monumental mason thought the wording was too long and he shortened to:

”Returned unopened“ :lmao:

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." ;)

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." :nakupo:

:clap: :clap: :clap: astig mga jokes dito...:lol:

Algie - this is for you..enjoy


Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total:$21.00


Oil Change instructions for men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20.00
Total:$4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

Absentminded


A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention,
when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets,
but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried,
"Daddy, where's Mommy?" :slap: :noidea:

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.

He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be a able to forgive me."

She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204." :lmao: :p

Wedding Test
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." :noidea: :praise:

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........

:lolcard: dazed ... some more beeer here :clap:

Trini Confessional

A married Trini went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almos' had an affair wid annuder woman. "

"The priest said, "What you mean, almost?"

The Trini said, "Well, we get undress' and rub up an' ting, but den I
stop." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Trini left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box

The Trini replied, "Yeah fadder, buh hear me, ah rub de $50 on de box,
and 'cordin' to you, dat is de same as puttin' it in." :p :clap:

I think that boy deserves a scholarship too:clap:

WHO'S YO DADDY?,

A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged: "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "Ok, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"

"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER,
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in Arkansas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.



The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."



The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."



The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Arkansas. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"



The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"



The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."



The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.



The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.



His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.



The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

THE OLD WOMAN'S SECRET
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover....
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
Nyee!!


The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness......



"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"



"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."

THE CALL CENTER
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for"Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and al l of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator : "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: ; "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't h ave the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

SALEMANSHIP
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yes, I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came to see him.

"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid says; "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedit