Post nyo d2 lahat ng jokes nyong nalalaman! ika nga e "Laughter is the Best Medicine." :allright:

"Kwentong Kababliwan"

LINGGO noon. Nakatakda ang araw na 'yon para
sa date namin ng
girlfiend kong si Maji. Pero tumawag s'ya sa 'kin at
sinabing cancel muna ang date dahil sasamahan
niya daw
ang kanyang tita sa isang importanteng lakad.
Sabi ko okay lang,
naintindihan ko. Subalit dahil wala akong magawa
sa bahay at talagang
bored ako noon, ako na lang ang pumunta sa mall
at nanood ng sine
mag-isa. Libang na libang ako sa paggagala sa
mall, di ko alam na iyon
na
pala ang katapusan ng mundo.

Pagpasok ko sa entrada ng sinehan, nagulat ako
sa nakita sa may snack
bar. Si Maji! At may kasama siya--hindi ang
kanyang tita--kundi isang
lalaki. Nakaakbay pa ito sa kanya. Shocked ako
pero ganunpaman, gusto
kong ipaalam sa kanya na nandoon ako at nahuli
ko siya. Pero di man
lamang s'ya nagulat nang makita ako. Relaxed
s'ya at nakangiti pang
sinabi sa 'kin: "Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." "Ha?"
Di na 'ko
nakapagsalita.

Gusto kong magalit sa kanya. Gusto kong sapakin
ang lalaki. Gusto kong
umiyak.

Pero kinimkim ko ang lahat ng aking naramdaman
at sinabing "Wala akong
magagawa...basta kung saan ka masaya.."

Tumalikod ako agad at pumasok sa loob ng
sinehan. Doon ko ibinuhos
ang lahat ng pinigilan kong lumabas sa aking mga
mata. Komedi ang palabas at nagtatawanan ang
mga tao sa paligid
ko ngunit ako nama'y abala sa pagdadrama sa
aking kinauupuan.
Natapos ang pelikula na di ko naintindihan ang
istorya. Wala ako sa
sarili hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa boarding house.

Kinabukasan, nagdesisyon akong umuwi sa
probinsiya namin upang
makalimot. Mataas ang araw noon at mainit ang
biyahe, pero wala pa
ring tigil ang ulan at bagyo sa aking mga mata.
Mabigat pa sa aking mga bagahe ang dinadala ko
sa aking
dibdib. Kahit na wala pa kaming isang taon ni Maji,
masakit pa rin sa
'kin ang
nangyari dahil mahal ko talaga s'ya. Di pa man
nakakalabas ng
Maynila ang bus na aking sinasakyan, bigla kong
naisip na bumaba.
Wala nang silbi pang mabuhay kaya naisip kong
magpakamatay na lang.

Inakyat ko ang isang billboard ng GMA7 kung
saan nakalarawan dito ang
final 14 ng Starstruck. Dream, believe,
survive. "Kagaguhan!" sabi
ko. "Tingnan ko lang kung makaka-survive pa 'ko
pag tumalon ako mula
rito...

maliban na lang kung may pipigil." Pero wala
ngang pumigil. Dahil
walang nagmamalasakit.

Walang nagmamahal. Tumalon ako. "
Aaaahhh...blag!"

Nabagok ang aking ulo sa gulong ng trak ng
MMDA na sa mga oras na 'yon

ay nagsasagawa ng wet flag scheme. Hindi naman
ako namatay.

Wala lang akong maalala pagbangon ko. "Sino
ako? Anong ginagawa ko
rito?"

tanong ko sa sarili ko. Nagka-amnesia ako.

Mula noon ay nagpalaboy-laboy ako sa lansangan.
Sa ilalim ng overpass
ako natutulog at doo'y madalas na ka-jamming ko
ang mga taong-grasa at mga rugby boys.
Namalimos ako sa daan,
papunas-punas ng mga sapatos ng pasahero ng
jeep, o kaya'y
humihingi ng 'love offering' sa mga pasahero ng
bus. Umasenso naman
ako hanggang sa makapagtinda na 'ko ng fishball,
squidball, at
kwek-kwek.
Kung anu-anong trabaho ang pinasukan ko para
lang may maipanlaman sa
kumukulo kong tiyan. Nagbenta rin ako ng mga
pirated na CD,
VCD, at DVD. Pero di pa rin sapat ang kinikita ko
sa pagbebenta ng mga
produkto kaya ibenenta ko na rin pati ang aking
sariling laman.
Nagpagamit ako sa kung sinu-sinong bakla at mga
matrona. Kumita ako ng
malaki. Subalit sadyang malupit sa akin ang
tadhana dahil sa isang
iglap ay nawala lahat ng aking pinaghirapan.
Nadukot ang wallet ko
nang makipagsiksikan ako sa libing ni FPJ.
Nalungkot akong lubha at nawalan ng pag-asang
makabangon pang muli.
Nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. May nag-
text. Sabi sa message,
ang Oracle

daw ang tanging makapagbabalik sa aking alaala.
Nag-reply ako: hu u?

Pero di na s'ya nag-text back. Di ko alam kung
saan ko hahanapin si
Oracle.

Nilibot ko ang kamaynilaan. Ipina-blotter sa pulis.
Ngunit kahit anino
ni Oracle

o ni Madam Auring ay di ko nakita.

Naisip kong baka wala s'ya sa siyudad kaya
pumunta ako sa mga
probinsiya. Nakarating ako sa kabundukan ng
Quezon Province pero mga
illegal loggers lang ang nadatnan ko. Nilisan ko
ang lugar na 'yon at
sa pagbaba ko ng bundok, nasalubong ko ang
mga nagtatakbuhang...
hobbits! -- sina Frodo, Samwise, Merry, Pippin, at
si... Dagul yata
ang pangalan ng isa. Hinahabol daw sila, hindi ng
mga ringwraiths
kundi mga.. battle droids ng Starwars! "Huh?!
Ano 'to?!! Nasa'n ba
ako?!!!" Sa sobrang lito ay nakitakbo na rin ako.
Napakaraming kalaban. Libo-libong droids.
Kakampi pa yata
nila ang mga robot sa I, Robot.

Mabuti na lang at dumating ang mga astig na
superheroes: sina
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Daredevil, Blade,
Van Helsing, Elektra,
X-Men, Charlie's Angels, Powerpuff Girls, the
Incredibles, Voltes V,
Mulawin, Capt. Barbell, Darna, Volta, Krystala,
Lastikman, Panday,
Andres Bonifacio...marami pang iba.

Madaling natalo ang mga kalaban. Subalit...
sugatan si Frodo. May
tama siya. At may iniabot siya sa akin --isang
singsing! May elvish
inscriptions dito na sa tingin ko'y hindi kayang i-
decode kahit ni
Dan Brown. Pero bago pa man malagutan ng
hininga si Frodo, nasabi
niya sa akin ang kahulugan ng nakasulat: "God
will never leave you
empty. He will replace everything you lost. If He
asks you to put
something down, it's because He wants you to
pick up something better
and best for you." Inilagay ko ang singsing sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon at nangakong iingatan ko iyon.

Samantala, nagdiwang ang mga superheroes sa
pagtatagumpay. Gumimik
sila sa Libis at nag-inuman. Sasama sana ako
pero sabi ko kailangan

kong umuwi ng bahay dahil ending na ng Lovers in
Paris.

Pero naalala ko na may amnesia pala ako at di ko
alam
kung saan ako nakatira kaya sumama na rin ako.
Habang nagdi-disco
ang Justice League kasama ang Marvel
superheroes, nagtugtugan at
nagkantahan naman ang mga anime' heroes.
Panalo sa Japan!

May ledge dancing pa sina Wonder Woman,
Catwoman, Black Mamba, at
Sailor Moon!

Pero di rin kami nagtagal sa lugar na 'yon. May
nagyaya kasi na
pumunta sa Baywalk dahil may show daw doon
ang The Bodies.

Ang saya-saya! Idagdag mo na lang si Kuya
Germs, kahit wala nang
tulugan!

Subalit naudlot ang kasayahang iyon nang biglang
lumindol... at mula sa Manila Bay ay dumating ang
isang
dambuhalang... TSUNAMI!!! Swooossshhh!!!
Naitaboy ang mga
superheroes. Hindi nakayanan ng kanilang powers
na pigilin ang dumating
na
sakuna. Mabilis na bumaha ang paligid at nalunod
kaming lahat. Oo, pati
sina Aquaman, Marina, at Nemo. Patay kaming
lahat. Dumilim ang
kapaligiran. Katahimikan.

"Gising! Gising!" Isang tinig ng lalaki ang
narinig ko. Pagdilat ko, nakita ko ang isang
lalaki. "May tiket na po
ba
kayo? Sa'n po kayo bababa?"

"Huh?!" nagulat ako. Kunduktor pala iyon ng bus.
Panaginip lang pala ang lahat! Nasa bus pa pala
ako at pauwi ng
probinsiya. "Sa Tarlac po," sabi ko sa kanya pero
ang mga mata
ko'y nakatitig sa kanyang t-shirt na may nakasulat
na "the Oracle".
Parang narinig ko pa si Morpheus na
bumubulong: "Welcome to the
real world..."

Buhay pa ako. May pamilya at mga kaibigang
nagmamahal sa akin. May
tirahang nauuwian, may magandang hanapbuhay,
at... virgin pa 'ko!

Habang nasa biyahe, naisip ko, napakababaw na
dahilan pala ang iwan
ka ng boyfriend o girlfriend mo para
magpakamatay
ka. I have to stand up and move on. Lalaki ako at
di dapat ako
maging mahina. Di dapat ako maging tanga para
sa isang gaga at
walang kwentang babae. Naisip ko rin na mabuti
na rin ang nangyari at
nakilala ko nang maaga ang tunay niyang kulay
bago pa man humaba
ang relasyon namin. Hindi siya ang karapat-dapat
sa akin.

Nasa gate na'ko ng aming bahay nang may
tumawag sa aking pangalan. Si
Rizi, kababata ko, kapitbahay namin. Sabi niya
umalis daw ang lahat
ng tao sa bahay namin at iniwan sa kanya ang
susi. Nang abutin ko ang susi sa kanya, doon ko
lang s'ya nakaharap
nang malapitan at doon ko rin lang napansin na
maganda pala siya.
Matapos akong magpasalamat ay sinuklian
n'ya 'ko ng isang matamis na
ngiti.
(Cue: new Coca-cola theme song)

Pagpasok sa bahay, diretso agad ako sa banyo
upang makapaghilamos.
Maginaw sa loob ng banyo at malamig ang tubig.
Pero may naramdaman akong mainit na bagay sa
bulsa ng aking
pantalon. Dinukot ko ito at nakita ko ang isang...
singsing.

THE END


All rights reserved. No part of this story may be
reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means, without
the written
permission of the author, except where permitted
by law.

The names of the characters, places, and events
are all fictitious.
Any similarity with reality is coincidental. No
animals were hurt
during the making of the story.

Some dialogues are not suitable for young readers.
Parental guidance is hereby advised.

Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, induce
vomiting

:D :D :D

Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!




BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama




"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!" - words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.


Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!




Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang



Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!




Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria




1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...


Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!




Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Pulot ko lang sa frenster 2!

SEX JOKE ang saya.
Message: ge: Okay so a guy is
nearing the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.




One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.






The guy remembers that his little
brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she
wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.







Lettuce!!!







Tomato!!!






Lettuce!!!







Tomato!!!





Lettuce!!!





Tomato!!!






She screams.





Lettuce!!!









Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!










PULL IT OUT NOW!!!






I can't get pregnant!








Then the little brother shouts
up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

Warning! Lakasan nyo speakers nyo kc mhina ang Audio!

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE...


http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

:D :D :D

i2. Arcade game! Laruin nyo pra malaman nyo kung ano 2. Astig!!!



http://www.razoric.com/games/Scary-Maze-Game-2

sabi ko na nga ba eh! im expecting that its4fun! lol!

sabi ko na nga ba eh! im expecting that its4fun! lol!

What do u expect? Hehehe

who has a mind of child? naughty joke..



A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students the
teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While
the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Boy can go to the third-grade." the teacher says to the principal, "I
have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.
the teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Teacher : What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get
it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

:clap: :clap: :yipee: :clap: ako din puro mali sagot ko!

Onions and Christmas Trees

Subject:
Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, women's breasts are like
melons,
round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mom, how many kinds of "Willies" are there?" The mother,
surprised,
smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his
twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration.

New job

A businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional
manager. He devises a simple test to select the most suitable candidate
for the job. He asks each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first applicant is a journalist. His answer is "twenty-two."
The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows
the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins v.
Simpson, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant is an accountant. The businessman asks him,
"How much is two and two?" The accountant gets up from his chair goes
over to the door and closes it. After sitting down he leans across the
desk and asks, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.

Silly job ads

Wanted Dog Walkers,
Must be able to take the lead.

Salesman scam, something for nothing?

A travelling salesman is about to check in at a hotel when he notices a
very charming lady giving him the eye. In a very causal manner he walks
over and speaks to her as though he has known her all his life. After a
few moments both walk back to the check-in-desk and register as Mr. and
Mrs. Smith.
After a three-day stay the salesman walks up to the desk and tells the
clerk that he is checking out. The clerk gives him his bill for £3,000.
"There must be a mistake here!" The salesman protests.
"I’ve been here only three days."
"That’s right" The clerk replies, "But your wife has been here a month."

Lawyers

A lawyer walks into a courtroom, places his satchel on the floor, and says
"Your Honour, I rest my case."
Unfortunately, he was thrown in jail for showing the judge his briefs.

Shakespeare


A Shakespearian actor is on stage when an insect lands on him and stings
him.
The insect flies off and the actor carries on.
A moment later, another insect lands on him and stings him.
When he gets off stage he wants to know what’s stung him, so he asks
the crew,
"Two Bees or not to Bees, That is the question"

More Q & A

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do better."

Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: What do you call a planetarium in the basement?
A: A stellar cellar

Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: A bored Board.

Q: What do you call an escaped gander?
A: A Loose Goose

Q: What do you call a shady place to swim?
A: A cool pool

Q: What do you call a female duck disguised as a male?
A: A fake drake

My Confession

A young man enters the confessional box and says,
"Farther, I’ve had sex with two eighteen year old nymphomaniac twins
every night of this week"
“Disgusting! What kind of Catholic are you?" Reprimands priest.
"I'm not a Catholic,” replies the young man.
"Then why are you telling me this?" say the priest.
"Hey I’m telling everyone!”

Ibalik sa grade 1 ang teacher!!! :p

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

It's Illegal

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French
Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a
Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers:
this car is designed to carry 5 persons”, protests the driver.
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, god you are so stupid! Call your supervisor!", requests the driver.
"Sorry No”, say the customs man, “He’s busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat
Uno.

Five Kinds Of Sex

1 Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon. You both keep at it until you're blue in the face.

2 Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have
sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen while
she's trying to wash the dishes.

3 Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit. Have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

4 Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*** you!"

5 Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife screws
you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Problems, Problems.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you got to help me!"
"What's your problem?" asks the Doc
“Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole... I give the missus a
quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the
next door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride. Once
I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the
photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.
At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.
For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go
home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus
another screw...”
"So" asked the Doc. "What's your problem?"
The guy replies, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

:lol:

nice one kerstinne! :) ang talino nga ng bata!

Is it Male or Female?


Swiss army knife: Male
Even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time
opening bottles.

Kidneys:Female
They always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire:Male
It goes bald and is often over-inflated.

Hot air balloon: Male
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it . . . And, of course it’s full of hot
air.

Sponges:Female
They are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

Web page: Female
It’s always getting hit on.

Shoe:Male
It’s usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.

Copier: Female
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
It’s an effective reproductive device when
the right buttons are pressed, and it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pressed.

Ziploc bags: Male
They hold everything in, but you can always
see straight through them.

Subway: Male
It uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hammer: Male
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote control: Female
It gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to press, he keeps trying.

Little Willy

Little Willy keeps disrupting his third grade class by farting loudly. So his
teacher keeps him behind after school and insists on knowing why.
Willy says, "I do it, because I can do it better than anyone else!”
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you
stop?" Little Willy agrees.
The teacher places two sheets of paper on the floor, and covers them
with equal amounts of chalk dust. Willy drops his pants, squats over the
paper and farts. He blows all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher drops her knickers, lifts her skirt, squats and farts. When
she finished and there is not a trace of chalk dust in sight. Willy is
amazed and asks if he can see her do it again.
She is willing and repeats the process. But this time Willy peeks up her
skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaims indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!"

Yard word

A guy gets into his grubbiest clothes on a Saturday morning and sets
about all the chores his wife has been hassling him to do for weeks. He
cleans the garage, prunes the hedge, and is halfway through mowing the
lawn when a very attractive woman pulls up in her car. She yells out of
her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The guy thinks for a minute and answers,
"The lady that lives here lets me sleep with her."

Dapat pala "Green jokes only" tong thread na to hehe.

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women. :smack:

(What it really means)
1 I think of you as a brother (What it really means)
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing dude in Deliverance

2 There's a slight difference in
our ages (What it really means)

I don't want to play with my dad.

3 I'm not attracted to you in
'that' way. (What it really means)

You’re the most ugly bastard I've
ever laid eyes on.

4 My life is too complicated right
now (What it really means)

I don’t want you spending the
whole night as you might hear
phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.

5 I've got a boyfriend (What it really means)
I’d rather spend the night with
the TV and a half-gallon tub of
Ben and Jerry's.

6 I don't date men where I work (What it really means)
I wouldn't date you if you were
the only guy in the country let
alone the same building.

7 It's not you, it's me (What it really means)
It's you!

8 I'm concentrating on my career (What it really means)
Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better
than dating you.

9 I'm celibate (What it really means)
Or I’d rather be than sleep with
you.

10 Let's be friends (What it really means)
I want you to stay around so I can
tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet
and have sex with.

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men.
(What it really means)

1 I think of you as a sister. (What it really means)
You're ugly

2 There's a slight difference in
our ages (What it really means) You're butt ugly

3 I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (What it really means)
You're ugly and you’re making me feel sick thinking about it.

4 My life is too complicated right now. (What it really means)You're ugly. But stick around 10 beers might change my view!

5 I've got a girlfriend (What it really means) And she’s better looking than you.

6 I don't date women where I
work (What it really means) Do I look desperate?

7 It's not you, it's me (What it really means) I’ve got a hang over and can’t drink the required amount of beer for you to look anything but ugly.

8 I'm concentrating on my career. (What it really means) My secretary is better looking than you and I’m seeing her
tonight.

9 I'm celibate. (What it really means) Get lost its football in TV tonight.

10 Let's be friends. (What it really means) I need some laundry doing would you mind doing it?

Advice For Men While Golfing

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick back swing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please! While others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.

Opps, Wrong list this is how to Peeing In Public list. :rofl:

Men are like...


Men are like... place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise just look silly.
Men are like... government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like... parking spots.
All the good ones are taken.
Men are like... copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like... lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... miniskirts.
If you are not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-__expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest __expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

:clap: grabe ka kerstinne! dami mong alam na jokes!

:clap: grabe ka kerstinne! dami mong alam na jokes!

laughter is d best medicine bro! ky laugh lng ng laugh.wehehe :rofl:

laughter is d best medicine bro! ky laugh lng ng laugh.wehehe :rofl:

ayos ah.. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: ang galing! kailangan na kailangan ko panaman ito ngaun.. :thumbsup: :lmao:

Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: Whatís your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...
Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts :lol:

Classic n ito pero i still want to post it...kc bk may matawa p rin.. :)

Ewan ko lang kung hindi kayo matawa. Read on…


Subject: FW: Sulat ni Itay (nakakaaliw)
>>>: Sulat
>>>>ni Itay (nakakaaliw)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Minamahal kong anak,
>>>>
>>>>Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang
>>>>magbasa.Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na
>>>>bahay.
>>>>Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating
>>>>nakatira
>>>>ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.
>>>>
>>>>Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan
>>>>sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.
>>>>
>>>>Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na shampoo
>>>>dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasa
>>>>ang
>>>>buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at
>>>>magrereklamo ako.
>>>>
>>>>Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw
>>>>bumukas
>>>>ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YA! LE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw
>>>>ay
>>>>hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay,akala
>>>>nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!
>>>>
>>>>Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na
>>>>magugustuhan
>>>>mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang
>>>>mga
>>>>botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at
>>>>inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating
>>>>diyan.
>>>>
>>>>Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi
>>>>ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor .
>>>>
>>>>Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon
>>>>siyang! 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng
>>>>damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.
>>>>Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung
>>>>babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong
>>>>uncle or auntie.
>>>>
>>>>Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan
>>>>ako.Di ba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso
>>>>Liner ay mga depasaherong bus, eh, yung Panty Liner bus din ba yun?
>>>>Saan ang Terminal nila?
>>>>
>>>>At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin
>>>>diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga
>>>>Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw
>>>>sa salitang english ang Kulangot.
>>>>Di ko nas! agot.... ikaw anak alam mo?
>>>>
>>>>Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.
>>>>
>>>>Love,
>>>>Tatay
>>>>
>>>>P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang
>>>>envelope. Next time na lang ha..

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Well, I was inside the refrigerator..."

Custom Fit

There is a sign in the drugstore window: "Condoms, custom fit."

So a man walks up to the counter and asks for a condom, like the sign says.
The man at the counter tells him to see Edith in aisle 4. So the man finds Edith.

Edith grabs the man by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom." Well the man is embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condom.

Later, a second man sees the sign in the window, and goes up to the counter to get his condom. The druggist tells him to see Edith in aisle 4. Same thing happens, Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom." The man is pleased, at least, to be a large.

Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to get a fitted condom, and is told to see Edith is aisle 4. Edith grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

Top 10 Reasons Why Some Men Favor Handguns Over Women

10 - You Can Trade In An Old 44 For A New 22, No Questions Asked.

9 - You Can Keep One Handgun At Home, And Have Another For When You're
On The Road.

8 - If You Admire A Friend's Handgun And Tell Him So, He Will Probably Let You Try It Out A Few Times.

7 - Your Primary Handgun Doesn't Mind If You Keep Another Handgun For A Back Up.

6 - Your Handgun Will Stay With You Even If You Run Out Of Ammo.

5 - A Handgun Doesn't Take Up A Lot Of Closet Space.

4 - Handguns Function Normally Every Day Of The Month.

3 - A Handgun Doesn't Ask, "do These New Grips Make Me Look Fat?"

2 - A Handgun Doesn't Mind If You Go To Sleep After You Use It.

1 - You Can Buy A Silencer For A Handgun.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

dami nmn jokes ditow...kakatuwa!!salamats!

hehe..no prob:lol:

THE ENGINEER, SCIENTIST, AND MATHEMATICIAN.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told
to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them,
declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then
draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence
around the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside."

STATISTITIANS

A stats undergrad was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test,
so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire
two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the
answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had
left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the
student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the
exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin):
" Shh! I am checking my answers!"

DRIVING STATS

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before
coming to any junction, whiz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day,
he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he
went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are
far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time
there."

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

O THOSE FRENCH

The French premier's wife who was asked what she most wanted in the whole world and answered
'A Penis'
After an embarrassed pause, someone suggested,
“I think you will find it's pronounced 'happiness'”. :rofl:

RED BALL

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the
volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

:rofl: wehehe..galing tlg ng mga engineers. :rofl:

:salute: :salute: :salute: :salute: :salute:

WORRYINGLY TRUE

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in
Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their
binoculars.

The biologist:
"Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There
are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"

THE GLASS

There is a glass half full of water:

Mathematician: the glass is half full

Physicist: the glass is half empty

Engineer: the glass is too big

:rofl:

IT’S SAID THAT

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just re-crystallize
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings :salute:
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

/* A sample of code from WINDOWS XP */
/* Project: Version - Windows XP */
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla y)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_he r);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law suit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe r_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

Aforeign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.

"Twenty years", replied the guide.

You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five.

At Agra he admired the Tajís beauty and asked how many years it took to build.

Only ten years,said the guide.

The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.

In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I donít
know. It wasnt there yesterday evening.

BOY: "Daddy? How did i come into this world?"
DAD: Listen carefully.
"Mom and Dad met in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from Dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading, we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

:beat:

BOY: "Daddy? How did i come into this world?"
DAD: Listen carefully.
"Mom and Dad met in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from Dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading, we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

:beat:

http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/6403/hahahado7.gif (http://imageshack.us)

stupid questions, stupidder answers

PARE1: dude, dba twentieth anniversary nyo last year ni misis, so which means this year...

PARE2: bro tama ka, twenty-oneth (21th) anniversary na namin this year.

THE MALE BRAIN

http://www.gurujeff.com/images/oinkbrain.gif

THE MALE BRAIN

http://www.gurujeff.com/images/oinkbrain.gif

:rofl: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

hahahaha!alam mo ba part yan ng report namin sa artstudies! ginamit ko yan as visual aid:rofl:

Isang araw, nag-uusap yung dalawang mag-kaibigan, si Joey at si Mark.

Joey: Alam mo, Mark, talagang napaka-bobo ng boy naming si Pedro.
Mark: Wala iyan! Sinisiguro ko sa iyo, mas bobo yung boy naming si Jose.

Nag-talo silang dalawa....
Joey: O sige, patutunayan ko sa iyo a. Watch this! PEDRO, 'ALIKA RITO!
Pedro: Yes sir! What can I do to you?
Joey: Eto piso, bumili ka ng apat na case ng beer.
Pedro: Yes boss! Coming up!
Joey: O Mark, bilib ka na ba sa kabobohan niyan, piso--bibila siya ng apat na case ng beer.
Mark: Wala pa rin iyan kay Jose, ikaw naman ang manood....JOSE, 'ALIKA RITO SANDALI!
Jose: Yes Sir! Ano po iyon!?
Mark: Pumunta ka sa opisina ko, tignan mo kung nandoon ako....
Jose: Yes Sir! Pupunta na po ako!
Mark: O Joey, kita mo naman na mas bobo pa iyan kaysa kay Pedro....

Later, nag salubong yung dalawang boy.....
Pedro: Jose, alam mo ang bobo talaga ng amo kong si Sir Joey....
Jose: Wala iyan....mas bobo si Boss Mark ko.
Pedro: Hinde! Mas bobo si Sir Joey, isipin mo, binigyan ako ng piso para bumili ako ng APAT na case ng beer......e, alam naman niyang HINDI KO KAYA BUHATIN IYON NANG MAG-ISA!!!!!!!
Jose: Mas bobo naman si Boss Mark noh! Pinapupunta pa ako sa opisina niya para tignan kung nadoon siye....e, MAY TELEPONO NAMAN!

Halo-halo

NO SIGNAL
A policeman saw a man on the top floor of a building.
Police: 'Wag kang tatalon! Marami pang nagmamahal sa 'yo!
Man: Tumahimik ka! 'Wag mo kong pakialaman! 'Di ako maka-send!

Tay: Nawala na ang Inay mo, ngayon naman ikakasal ka na.
Anak: Tay! Sa kabilang kanto lang naman ang bahay namin!
Tay: Hay, salamat! Magkikita pa rin kami ng yaya mo.

Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ako, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: Gawin mo akong rich, pero di bayad ng tax; powerful, pero di halata; notorious, pero wala sabit.
Genie: Mula ngayon ikaw na si PING LACSON.

Sgt: Boss, nakatakas si Al-Ghozi.
Ebdane: Huh! Did you seal all exits?
Sgt: Yes, sir!
Ebdane: Eh paano siya nakatakas?
Sgt: Doon po kasi siya lumabas sa entrance.

Vet: Sorry po, patay na aso nyo. Pinaliguan kasi ng anak nyo ng laundry soap.
Nanay: Anong masama sa sabon?
Vet: Di siya doon namatay, sa washing machine!

Jinggoy: Dad, totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.

Tanong: Bakit PAPA ang tawag ng girls sa boyfriend nila?
Sagot: Kasi papa-tungan ka, tapos papa-sukan, papa-hiyawin at papa-sarapin tapos papa-asahin at 'di naman papa-kasalan.

read carefully pra maskayan!

This story happened a few months ago along the Tagaytay Road. There was a guy who got left behind by a pack of mountain bikers. The group was large and he didnt bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse, a storm came in.

So he walked.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. It was raining hard, wind blowing all around you, what would you do? Like you would, he got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest place where there were houses.

Wet and in shock, he went into a store and voice quavering, ordered 2 bottles of Red Horse Beer, and told the people about his horrible, supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same store. One says to the other..........

..

..

....

.

.

"Yan...siya nga yung sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."

halo-halo ulit.

IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may
plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng
tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device
that enlarges a
man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects.
It is called a
magnifiying glass.

REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo,
ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang
kabaklaan mo!

TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga
lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit
nyan, pero kayo lang ang nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa
confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong
si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanggan
ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako
binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos
si Inday ang niroromansa.

PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang
toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!

ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero
mas magaling pa
sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!

AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit
kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si
mama!

PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di
nya makita!

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap
sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po
kayo ma-promote.

AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako
sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa
kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan
kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam... kasi next wik ko pa ata
matatangap...

LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo
e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag
akong makipag-sex sa'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
May dalawang madre na nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jus ko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila
nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang
taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at
bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige! Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

halo-halo ulit.

IBANG POSISYON:
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may
plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng
tv.

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device
that enlarges a
man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects.
It is called a
magnifiying glass.

REGALO:
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo,
ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

SI GINO:
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang
kabaklaan mo!

TUTPIK:
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga
lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit
nyan, pero kayo lang ang nakabali!

CONFIDENT VS CONFIDENTIAL:
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa
confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong
si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanggan
ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!

SUKO SA MISTER:
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako
binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos
si Inday ang niroromansa.

PAGOD DAW.....
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!

PARI AT MADRE:
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang
toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!

ESTUDYANTE:
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero
mas magaling pa
sa estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!

AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit
kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si
mama!

PAMBOBOSO:
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di
nya makita!

PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap
sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po
kayo ma-promote.

AMPON:
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako
sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa
kanila, ampon ka!

ANG SULAT:
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan
kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam... kasi next wik ko pa ata
matatangap...

LIIT NAMAN:
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo
e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?

DOWNY:
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

HIDE AND SEEK:
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag
akong makipag-sex sa'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...

MADRE:
May dalawang madre na nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Jus ko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila
nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!

RAPE SUSPEK:
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang
taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at
bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige! Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

:praise: :praise: :praise: ang cute..hehehe..more pls...

more jokes please!!!!

20 things to do to pretend ur working

1) Arrange your desk twice a day by placing all the paperwork you have and sorting it. Make noise and get noticed that you are working.

2) Open a large document, put your hands up to your head so nobody can see your eyes and go asleep. Don't make noise or it will be noticed that you are asleep.

3) Frequent the Coffee Machine every hour.

4) Frequent the Chocolate vending Machine every hour.

5) Frequent the Toilets as much as possible.

6) Print out documents and frequent the printer every hour.

7) Pretend to read the above documents as if you are interested in the content.

8) Browse the Net.

9) Check your E-mail and reply to any that you have every 5 minutes.

10) Type su on the Unix machine and try to guess the root password.

11) Make up some stupid 10 ten lists.

12) Distribute these to friends one at a time

13) Revise the above top ten lists or expand to a top 20 list.

14) Get more coffee to help you think.

15) Re-visit toilets due to excessive coffee consumption.

16) Put on your favourite CD so you can't hear other people working beside you.

17) Fix the height of your rotating chair.

18) Pretend to look for things in your drawer.

19) Visit the printer and pretend that there should be stuff there for you and shout "Blasted printer !"

20) Deliberately break the system in work, so when asked you'll know how to fix it.:)

35 ways to annoy people, just to annoy them

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 300%, extra dark, 11x17 inch paper, 999 copies.

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

3. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

4. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

5. Practice making fax and modem noises.

6. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

7. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

9. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.

10. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

12. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

13. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

14. Honk and wave to strangers.

15. Call Everybody in the office Mike , regardless of gender.

16. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

17. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

18. TyPE iN a MiXtuRe of Both UppERCasE and LoWerCase.

19. Dont use any punctuation either as this really wont make sentences easier to read especially if they are long and complex like this one

20. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Videotape the outcome.

21. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

22. As much as possible, skip rather than walk - occasionally run through the corridors of your office.

23. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

24. Play with your mobile ringtones go through them all in turn, playing them in full and repeat.

25. Ask people what gender they are, even if they are wearing a skirt !

26. Roll up tiny bits of paper, pretend to pick your nose and then flick the paper across the room - preferable at something which will make a sound.

27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

28. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

29. Display a huge fear of the Fax machine.

30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

32. Sleep at your desk and when woken say " Oh, I did some work at home last night - I'm just catching up on the sleep I missed ! "

33. Sing the same song over and over only using the words "La La La"

34. When E-mailing CC random people on replies, even if you don't know them.

35. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

JOB DESCRIPTIONS

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

MAGIC LAMP

isang araw may isang lalaking may date sa malate.may dala pang chocolates, roses, at oreo pa! nagtaxi xa galing pa ng bacoor nang mag-anunsyo ng holdap ang taxi driver malapit sa harapan ng isang church.

"akin na pera mo, hubarin mo lahat ng damit mo! bilis!"

hubad naman agad si lalaki.

pagbaba nya ng taxi takbo agad xa sa simbahan. nagtalukbong at nagtago sa mga kurtina. maya-maya may dumating na apat madre.

sabi nung isang madre "sister tingnan mo yun nandun banda sa may kurtina, ayun o, magic lamp, tara magwish tayo baka may genie na lumabas.."

hinimas himas nung unang madre ang umanoy magic lamp. nagwish sya, "gusto ko ng chocolates, para ibigay sa mga bata sa labas.." sabay bato nung lalaking nakahubad ng chocolates. saya ng mga madre.

hinimas naman ni second madre ung magic lamp at nagwish "genie, gusto ko ng flowers, iaalay ko kay santa rita.."
binato ni lalaki ang flowers. napatalon sa tuwa ng mga madre.

si 3rd madre naman ang humimas."uy parang lumalaki ung magic lamp, saka tumitigas"..

ani 2nd madre"baka nagpupumilit lumabas si genie"

ani 1st madre "oo baka nga"

nagwish naman si third madre "gusto ko ng oreo! gutom na ko!"

binato ni lalaki ang oreo.

"nakakatuwa naman tong magic lamp natin.."habang himas ng himas ng himas"

2nd madre: o sisters, busog na ba kayo??

4th madre: oo kaso uhaw ako, hingi tayo ng maiinom sa magic lamp..(habang hinihimas pa rin)

nanggigil ang mga madre sa magic lamp sa tagal nitong ayaw magbigay ng inumin. makalipas ang ilang minuto, nakareceive sila ng gatas.:)

HOROSCOPE by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them... You have to help me, doc!"

The doctor says, "All right. Well, lets see... Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"

Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bitch!"

Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: Professor, I íve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.í
Who's been treating you until now?í
Dr Lal Rathor.
I see. He's an idiot. Im curious to know what he advised you to do.
"To come and see you."

Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,í said the man carrying
the explosive.
Dont worry,the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.

Boy to mother: "Ive decided to stop studying."
"How come?" asked the mother.
"I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much"

eto luma na to: baka meron di pa to alam

tanong: ano ang tawag sa baka(cow) na nakaakyat ng bundok?




sagot: magaling

Host: Candidate #5! Your question is tatanggapin mo ba ang BF mo kahit na my AIDS cya?

Girl: Yes! because I believe that AIDS doesn't matter.. Thank you :rofl:

How Do You Know One When You See One?
In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious in knowing what particular schools attended the big celebration. So he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess who he found out and where he found them?

UP (Diliman) - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP (Los Banos) - they were in the garden mowing the lawn
UP (Manila) - they were into "masamang bisyo"
Ateneo University - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air condition
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! they were not invited
San Sebastian College - how the hell did they pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the leak
NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson University- went to Luneta Park instead and was having a good time
Sta. Isabel College- joined in and were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others where with Paulinians
St. Paul College- they thought they were with the Ateneans
La Consolacion - they wanted to be the Paulinians
Holy Spirit - they want the Paulinians
Miriam College- they were beside Ateneans . . . like always
Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line
CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry :lol:

Colonial Mentality

Dahil sa nananatiling "Colonial Mentality" ng ating mga kababayan, marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nito ay mga halimbawa ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itinakwil and kani - kanilang pangalang Pilipino.

Pangalang Pilipino ... Ipinalit sa American Name

1. Restituto Fruto - Tutti Fruti
2. Casimiro Bocaycay - Cashmere Bouquet
3. Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
4. Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
5. Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer's Disease
6. Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
7. Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
8. Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker
9. Esteban Pagtakhan - Stevie Wonder
10. Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods
11. Burgos Hari - Burger King
12. Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World
13. Maria Natividad - Mary Christmas
14. Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year

Ilang Tanong

Ano ang hayop na hindi sigurado? - Baka

Ano ang hayop na pinuputol? - Cat

Ano ang hayop na laging ayos? - Ox

An Alcoholic Son's Letter To His Dad

Beer dad,
Gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan. Tanduayan mo yan.
Your son,
Miguel. (ayos pare!!)

Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

1. You point with your lips
2. You nod upwards to greet someone.
3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir".
4. You smile for no reason.
5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon."
8. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV
9. You like everything imported or "state-side."
10. You Check the labels on clothes to see where it was made before buying.
11. You always offer food to all your visitors.
12. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
13. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
14. You asked for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
15. You asked for a "pentel-pen" or a "ball-pen" instead of just "pen."
16. You order a McDonald's instead of "hamburger"(pronounced ham-boor-jer)
17. You say "Ha?" instead of "What."
18. You say "Hoy" to get someone's attention.
19. You answer when someone yells "Hoy."
20. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
21. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
22. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for over acting, or "TNT" for, well, you know.
23. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
24. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
25. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room.
26. You own a Karaoke System.
27. You own a piano that no one ever plays.
28. You own a "barrel man" (you pull up the barrel and you see something that looks familiar. schwing...)
29. You refer to your VCR as a "beytamax
30. You have a giant wooden fork and spoon hanging somewhere in the dining room
31. Your car has too many "burloloys" like a Jipneys back in P.I.
32. You hang a Rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
33. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
34. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto"
35. This you 'll agree 100% ... Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairytale.

Funny & True Pinoy Signs Found While Traveling

No parking and repair here - sign on a house beside a car repair shop

Taxi and outside cars not allowed - sign at a parking lot

No Crossing Pedestrians will be apprehended. - sign at Philcoa

Sorry for the inconvenient. - typical roadwork sign

Your taxes is working. Temporarily close. Yet another typical roadwork sign

Slow Men at Work - PLDT sign

Please help our comfort room clean. - sign at a self-service restaurant in Cebu

Fresh frozen chicken sold here - sign in a Baguio grocery

Welcome to the only Catholic Country in Asia! Beware of pickpockets - sign near a Church

None ID, nothing entry - sign at construction site, Cubao

No trispassing. If you trispass, you will be biten by d?dog. - sign in Tondo

now showing- the carpenters - on a sign outside a construction site

Jojo's Beauty Salon, for man and woman - on a billboard in Pampanga

Barya lang po sa umaga - sign in jeeps

"...experience is needed but not required.."- sa classified ads

ito share ko:

s2pidblog.wordpress.com

blog ko po yan..enjoy!!

medyo konti pa jokes jan kc knina ko lang ginawa..hehe

Friends at Hunting

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Mahirap Ang Lahat

Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Santa Isabel College, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa Adamson University, mahirap umuwi kahit anong oras.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.

funny! funny! funny!:rofl:

How Do You Know One When You See One?
In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious in knowing what particular schools attended the big celebration. So he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess who he found out and where he found them?

UP (Diliman) - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP (Los Banos) - they were in the garden mowing the lawn
UP (Manila) - they were into "masamang bisyo"
Ateneo University - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air condition
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! they were not invited
San Sebastian College - how the hell did they pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the leak
NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson University- went to Luneta Park instead and was having a good time
Sta. Isabel College- joined in and were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others where with Paulinians
St. Paul College- they thought they were with the Ateneans
La Consolacion - they wanted to be the Paulinians
Holy Spirit - they want the Paulinians
Miriam College- they were beside Ateneans . . . like always
Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line
CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry :lol:

nabasa ko na to sa email, but still thanks for posting this! i love these kinds of jokes, ung may kinalaman sa coilleges and universities

Tagalog-japanese translations

Manok - Sekken
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
This - Itto
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!

:rofl:

i just received this sa text.. mababaw lang pero natawa kasi ako eh... :lol:

Q: bakit hindi pwede mag swimming ng sabay sabay sa swimming pool ang mga kalbo?
A: kasi mag mumukha silang fishballs...

Q: bakit hindi pwedeng magsuot ng turtleneck ang kalbo?
A: kasi mag mumukha syang roll on.

:lol:

"AYAW MO NA BANG MAG-TRABAHO?
Just type TRABAHO <space> OFF at i-send sa BOSS mo!
May chance ka pa ma - AWOL at mag-resign!
Kaya't magmadali, text na!"


text sakin ng friend ko... :lol:

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "Youíll bring out the beast
in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

:rofl:

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking heíd outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His carís speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: "Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and Iíll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said: "Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me."


No ticket.

:rofl:

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he
demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You canít do this! Im a politician!"

In that case, replied the robber, "give me my money!"

Two gays were looking at Travel Brochures at a Travel Agency.
One of them said: "Lets try Greece this year."
The other answered: "Why?What's wrong with Vaseline?"
-- 0 --

WIFE: Do you have any idea what would happen to you if I die?
HUSBAND: I might die also.
WIFE: (blushes) Why?
HUSBAND: Sometimes, too much happiness causes death..
-- 0 --

MGA URI NG ITLOG NG LALAKE:
Binatilyo- Fresh egg
Binata- Hard boiled
Bagong Kasal- Sunny side-up
Matagal ng Kasal- Balot
Matandang Binata- Itlog na maalat
Lolo- Century Egg
-- 0 --

TYPE OF KISSER WHICH DESCRIBE THEIR ACTION:
BOTTLE - expert
GLASS - sweet
CAN - super maniac
CUP - good kisser
HAND - aggressive
STRAW - not contented
-- 0 --

INSPIRATIONAL MOVEMENT:
"Walang malayong kulangot
sa mahahabang kuko!"
-- 0 --

BREAST RELATED NAME:
SUSAN- suso nasa tiyan
SUZETTE- suso maliit
DOLOR- dodo nasa floor
JOBEL- joga hanggang bilbil
DEBORRAH- dede walang bra
ULA- utong lang..
-- 0 --

SONGS OF MARRIED COUPLES:
1st night- ARAY NAKU!
1 to 5 years- ARAW-ARAW GABI-GABI.
6-15 years - PAMINSAN-MINSAN.
16-25 years- SANA KAHIT MINSAN.
26- 49 years- GAANO KADALAS ANG MINSAN.
50 years up - MAALA-ALA MO PA KAYA.
-- 0 --

Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Inay,
"Kapag yang mantsa hindi natanggal,
magdasal ka na!"

Kay Inay natuto ako ng LOGIC:
"Kaya ganyan yan, dahil sinabi ko!"

At natuto pa ako ng MORE LOGIC:
"Kapag ikaw nalaglag dyan sa bubong,
Ako lang mag-isa magjo-Jolibee."

Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin ng IRONY:
"Sige ngumal-ngal ka pa at
bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

Si Inay din ang nagpaliwanag sa akin ng CONTORTIONISM:
"Tignan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!"
-- 0 --

MISIS: Inday, napansin ko ang barong ni Sir mo,