i posted this over at the writer's group discussion thread, but i decided to post it here. mejo kulang ung kwento, like sa background at sa setting and stuff like that, kaya lang tinatamad kasi ako eh, kaya yan muna. i read it over, and its ok naman. no big climax, no sudden twist, just a straightforward story.

i had my first child aborted. i was 22. i kept telling myself i wasn't ready, that we weren't, but who were? when had people ever been really ready for a child? i dunno. i suppose the logical assumption would be when we are emotionally mature and financially secure. doesn't really matter, so i won't get into that. i'm not talking bout that anyways. i'm talking about my kid.

her name was... Elaine. she had brown, wavy hair. she had brown eyes too. she even had a high forehead, just like her mother. i didn't even know all these things, until a stranger approached me and said

"Nice kid. What's her name?"

i said, "What...?

I'm sorry. What did you just say to me?"

"I said 'Nice kid'. Too bad she never happened."

"What was that supposed to mean? Do i know you, miss...?", i asked, quite apprehensively. you see, at that time i had no idea what she was talking about, but for some reason, my heart skipped a beat.

"...your kid's got such a sweet smile, she's got that classy sort of look. I like her brown hair, it's so gorgeous. It even matches her eyes. Big forehead though, must've been smart."

"There must be some kind of a mistake here miss, i don't know any kid like that. and i don't know you either, but you seem to know my-"

i was supposed to finish that sentence with "- ex very well", but i somehow stopped. i was surprised by the sudden cold wetness on my cheeks. i never felt it until the air-conditioner sort of blew on my face, and the sudden contrast of warm tears turned cold felt like a slap to me. then it dawned on me. she wasn't talking about my ex.

she was talking about my kid. the one that "never happened". because i stopped her from happening. i made her mother stop. things like this weren't supposed to happen then, that's how i justified it. i know, im a jerk, no need to rub it in. now this stranger is telling me things i wasn't supposed to know. things i have no right to know, like her name. Elaine. just like her mother.

she never answered any of my questions, this stranger. she just lets me ask them, she stops talking out of courtesy to listen to me ask, but not to listen to what im asking about. then she stares at me like i'm supposed to know the answer to what i asked, and picks up where she left as if i never asked, like it never mattered what i said, all that matters is what she was saying.

she told me to remember her, my sweet little kid, that this is the reason why she told me these things. all i could do is nod and try not to pass out. my legs went weak, and i was shaking. after she had said all that she was supposed to, she turned around and walked away. i didn't stop her. i doubt that i could have, i was too busy letting the words sink in. i never heard from her again.

---&---

life goes on, but this time, i have Elaine. i have a face, fair and wide-eyed, lovely brown hair curling over her high forehead, a pink blushed smile, and i have a name too. i have these, instead of prescription pills and nightmares, and the burden of a guilty conscience. this name and this face, these second hand memories, if they can even be called that, is my redemption.