What did I do wrong? I can probably
count in one hand all the other times I
felt worse than how I feel now... but
this is the most confusing and
frustrating. And I guess that's what
makes this extremely difficult to
accept.

I've never been one to show weakness.
My pride usually gets the best of me
and I keep the hurt to myself... now,
pride doesn't matter. What matters is
the truthfulness of what I feel and how
I seem utterly helpless in this
situation. I don't want it to be the
end... I have this fantasy of how
things will play out and how everyone
will "live happily ever after". But by
now, we all know that it's different in
real life. Everything can change and
all can be taken away in the blink of
an eye... no road signs warning us of a
dead end. The water looked so calm and
peaceful that we foolishly jump in.
Guess what? What's beneath the surface
is a current so turbulent, it rips you
apart .

But see, that's the thing about life...
and love... it may not always be ideal,
sometimes it's even harsh but it does
raise a few red flags. It's just up to
us to look for them. And maybe I just
didn't see them... or maybe I didn't
want to see them... No one is really to
blame for the turn of events, they just
happened the way they were supposed
to. I may not like the outcome but
what's done is done and i'll just have
to live with it. We deserve to be
happy... and i wish you could be happy
with me.. Am I hopeful? Jaded perhaps?
I don't know, all I know is i'm not
ready to let it go... to let you go...

I'm gonna have to wake up tomorrow and
put on a smile again. It's gonna be
another run of the "cil is ok" charade
and I don't know how long I can keep
that up. It sucks... it really does...
and i'm tired. And honestly, I don't
know what to do.

I'm just waiting to finally have the
strength to block all thoughts of you
and to cut you off emotionally from my
life. I'm waiting for the day that
i'll grow up and won't even flinch at
your name... and I'm waiting for my
smile to be real again... but
ultimately...

I'm waiting for you.. I miss you.. and
I want you back..
:salute: