View Full Version : Computer Jokes :( :)
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 02:21
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves." :pray: :beat: :thumbsup:
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 02:25
Mr. Johnston, a businessman from Colorado, recently went on a business trip to Arizona. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jo Ann, to let her know that he had arrived safely.
Unfortunately, he mistyped a few letters and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here." :lmao:
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 02:31
Software Revision Guide
Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.
1.0: Also known as 'one point uh-oh', or 'barely out of beta'. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.
1.1: We fixed all of the killer bugs.
1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.
2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.
2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.
2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!
2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!
3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.
3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.
4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor.
4.1: Just one or two bugs this time - Honest!
5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.
6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.
6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them. ;) ;) ;)
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 02:37
Two male computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey. Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the second student, "I was walking to class the other day, when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all off her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING you want'."
"Good choice." said the first computer science student. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 08:02
The event happened in P.E. class.
They were playing volleyball. The person with the ball walked up to the computer geek and said "Do you want to be the server?" The geek replied "Who me? No way! I'm a workstation, not a server!" The other kid looked at him with a blank stare. "huh?" "Oh, never mind," said the nerd. "No, I don't want to."
5th Jul 2007 Thu, 08:08
...later that day in math class, the teacher was talking and said "Now, open your books and turn to page 404." The (same) geek, without even opening his book, replied "I can't find it!".
The teacher didn't understand, "Just turn to page 404! It's there... the one after page 403!" The nerd quickly responded "but I'm not allowed to go to page 403!"
8th Jul 2007 Sun, 16:11
:lol: nakakatawa naman po...
12th Jul 2007 Thu, 16:19
Newly Discovered Computer Viruses
Bill Clinton Virus. Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory, then won't let you query the system for information.
Al Gore Virus. Runs quietly in background mode, but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Kenneth Starr Virus. Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer. Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interrogation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Linda Tripp Virus. Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Monica Lewinsky Virus. Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Ronald Reagan Virus. Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Viagra Virus. Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Prozac Virus. Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Titanic virus Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus. Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
HBO Virus. Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen Virus. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Oprah Winfrey Virus. Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Ellen Degeneres Virus. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC, and disks can no longer be inserted.
Tim Allen Virus. Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Jerry Seinfeld Virus. Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
Pee Wee Herman Virus. Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files Virus. All your Icons start shape shifting.
Sharon Stone Virus. Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
David Caruso NYPD Blue Virus. After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Spice Girls Virus. Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
George Michaels Virus. Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus. Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
NFL Blackout Virus. Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Mike Tyson Virus. Quits after one byte.
Lorena Bobbit Virus. Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Saddam Hussein Virus. Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding Virus. Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus. Only attacks minor files.
Rush Limbaugh Virus. Biases everything to the right. :lol:
12th Jul 2007 Thu, 16:42
One day in 1999, Saint Peter called Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates up to heaven. He said to them, "I've called you here because you are the three most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow."
So, Bill Clinton went back and said, "Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he is blowing up the world tomorrow."
Colon Powell went back and said, "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.
Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the three most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is that the Y2K problem is solved." :p
17th Jul 2007 Tue, 17:50
funny technical support joke:
customer phones technical support...
Tech: Hello, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I believe there was something wrong in your program's design?
Tech: What's the problem?
Customer: When I open the program, it says "Press Any Key to continue". I don't get it, where the heck can you find an "any" key on the keyboard? :slap:
12th Feb 2011 Sat, 20:04
:thanks: po for sharing :lmao:
12th Feb 2011 Sat, 20:05
:thanks: for sharing :lmao: