A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!" :slap: :noidea:

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." :lmao: :lol:

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
:lmao: :rofl:

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
:lmao: :rofl:

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself." :slap: :noidea:

Sign by a urinal:

"The same guy who removes
the cigarette butts from the urinal,
also puts the ice in your drinks."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a few beers, Bill and Phil both head to the mens' room.

Bill said to Phil, "I wish I had one like my cousin Ralph. He needs four fingers, to hold his."

"You're holding yours with four fingers now," replied Phil.
"Yeah, but I'm peeing on three of 'em!" complained Bill. :slap: :rofl:

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets Allowed," and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?" :lmao: :rofl:

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned. :lmao: :noidea:

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." :slap: :beat:

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep." :lmao: :p

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "That'd be my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" roared the biker.

"It appears that he choked on it, sir." :lol: :rofl:

:lolcard: dazed you are a certified 'tagay' .... :rofl:

^Algie tnx din..

An old drunk was in a bar one night begging the bartender for one more drink even though he had run out of money. In desperation, the drunk said, "Listen, I have this unusual talent. I can fart the tune of the national anthem. If I climb up on your bar and entertain your patrons by farting the national anthem, will you please give me one more drink?"

The bartender agreed to the deal, so the old drunk climbed up onto the bar and dropped his pants. The drunk began grunting and straining and, much to everyone's surprise and disgust, had a tremendous bowel movement right on the bar.

The bartender reached for his billy-club, intending to teach the drunk a lesson.

"Just a minute, just a minute," wailed the drunk. "If I was a singer, you wouldn't be mad if I had to clear my throat." :help: :rofl:

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that." The first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." :p :beat:

A conversation heard at a local pub:
"Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."

"But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."

"No you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."

"You are on."

"You're not in New York City, are you?"

"That is true."

"And you're not in Montreal."

"I can't argue with you there."

"And you are definitely not in Paris."

"Nope."

"If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."

"Can't do it."

"Why not?"

"I'm not here." :dance: :beat:

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs."

To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims, "Hey! You can talk! This is wild. I'm buying you both a beer." They both thanked him and proceeded to enjoy their libation.

After a while, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom. The bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he would go over to the 7-11 across the street, and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the $20 for his trouble.

The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.

When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him. He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar.

When he turns into the alley, he discovers that his is dog humping a French Poodle. Shocked, the man looks to his dog and says, "Rex, how could you? You've never done anything like this before!"

The dog looks up at him and said, "Well, I've never had a $20 bill before!" :lol: :lmao: arf arf arf

New FDA Alcoholic Beverage Warning Labels

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10."



AND, Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution. :lmao: :thumbsup:

Mistaken Identity


A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
her over.

He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?" :pray::)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


That's Willie



A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh,
and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the
table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up
and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With
that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can
find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know
who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure
who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely
Willie Nelson!' [/color](*bwahahaha...willie nelson?hahaha );););)

Drunken patrons


A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that
he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he
wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees
this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Pal, I
think your girl friend has gone home." (*hahaha lassheeenggo ka batah.. )..:slap: :slap: :slap:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Seatbelt competition


A police man pulled over a car and told the driver he had won $5.000 dollars
in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to with the money?" asked the police man."Well, I guess i
'm gonna get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a
woman in the passenger seat, "He always lies a lot when he is drunk."Then the
kid in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn’t t get far On a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice Said, "Are we over
the borders yet?" hehe...ok ah.. :slap: :slap: :slap:

Careful what you wish for



Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to
inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship
slipped under the surface.

After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and
water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it
drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed
the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes
stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only
get one wish and then I'm outtalk here... so make it a good one."

The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can
drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean to beer was instantly turned into
beer.

"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy on
the side of the head. "Now we're going to have to piss in the boat." (* cheers....brad...hehe ) :clap::clap::yipee:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Whiskey in the Jar



I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty
the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful
consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant
task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork
from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth
bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and
threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled
the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the
house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as think as you
might drink. I fool so feeblish I don't know who
is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you silly
sit! ...
(* mwahahaha...iinuum pa tayo..?? whaz up..weeeehhh. ):rofl::rofl::rofl:

Two men in the Bar



A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy
him a drink.
"Why of course”, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."

"Of course”, replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin”, comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. “ I'm from Dublin too! Let's have
another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I
graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O’Malley twins are drunk again." nyahahaha :rofl::rofl::rofl:

A man with his wheel chair


A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and
get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to
the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him
out of the car, and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?" nyahaha mali hehehe :slap::slap::slap:

The Emotional Horse


One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse
over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear
and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of
the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can
make that horse over their cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of the
night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the
bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to
make the horselaugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does
and to make him cry I showed him". ngeeeek loko mo heheh :beat::beat::beat: