nelyn
12th Jul '07 Thu, 08:28
SEND MY LOVE TO HEAVEN
“What can I say about a girl I loved I guess since I was ten… that I love the way she laughs at when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night shows. Somehow I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there’s no hope in doing so. For now, it’s rather too late—too late for me to do so”
She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knows all my secrets except one, which I keep to my self. The secret, which I could not bring my self to tell her. I love her not only because she is pretty and smart but also by the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.
I could still remember the first time we met, I was five years old then. It was windy afternoon, having no one to play with except for my best friend Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a neighboring state because his father got promoted. And as I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving track coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I’ve ever seen. She was four years old at that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached, almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes, which could make a man, lose his heart into them. I continue to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and wave her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, “would you like to come up?” she answered “may I?” so I helped her come up and when we reached the top, she then turned to me and said “by the way my name is Sam. What’s yours?” I answered, “ my name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris.” She smiled and said, “ Well, I like your name. Hey your tree house’s neat!” then I replied, “ thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. He and I used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kinda miss him you know”. She smiled and said, “ I’m here now we could do things you do with Troy and I could be your new best friend and you’ll be my best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?” I smiled and say, “well that sounds good enough.” Then she held her hand and said, “ It’s a deal then!” So that’s how it started.
So we became best friend and it was kinda strange at first. For she was a girl and there are times which I was little bet hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs when it rains, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bondage her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay the damage, which meant having to lose a week’s allowance. I remember the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trap in a branch. I even fought with the tough guys when they teased Sam and made her cry and ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remembered Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damage eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and I gave everything her little heart desires.
The lake was our favorite place to hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would packed our food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other’s dreams. She dreams of being a ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.
As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow I thought it was just a simple crush case. But then when I started thinking of her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting her all the time I thought it was something different, something which made me feel strange, but then it was an exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.
Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine of what would happen if ever I’d try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I’m taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feelings hidden.
We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches whenever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I catch them talking to her, how much I love her as much of losing her.
Then one day I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader, was close to the basketball team, which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I’m feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.
Those days that followed were the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him or her side. Every time that we meet in the hallways and I see him around her, there’s a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see that the girl I long to posses was now owned by somebody else. That special smile which I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him and as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I whisper the words, “ God how I love you.”
Then one fateful day they broke up. She came to me that evening crying to my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended to their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring inside me. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was also sad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.
So we found ourselves doing what we did in the old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.
So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I could not bring myself to tell her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear losing her again by telling her I love her, so I just kept my feelings even it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.
It was week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, “ I was wondering, Chris if you would like to be my partner? It got me out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen, it took a while to answer her, “ I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?” so then she turned away and quietly said, “Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend’. Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, “ Don’t you want to die just like them to be my partner, Chris?” I was too stunned to speak for it came close to me to blurt my feelings for her. We were silent for a while until I finally whispered, “ I would be happy to be your partner, Sam.” Then she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, “last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!” I run but slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.
Our Prom night came I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam’s mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, “ How do I look?” I looked up and saw her looking lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing about her face. I stood up, opened my mouth but found out that I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand and shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, “To the loveliest girl in the whole world.” She then asked, “ Is that true?” I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then turned to open the door for her.
When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and the T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out my hand, bowed and said, “ Would you give the honor of having your first dance.” She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.
It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I’ve loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her at that moment. I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most is that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, still I haven’t done it.
We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I reached our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie where she was but she told me she doesn’t know. So I went and searched for her.
As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon’s silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium.
Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than hear her those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heartbreak. I didn’t return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches, I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then it was what I thought was the best way for me to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.
The day of our graduation came I was planning to study medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me, there was something in her eyes that I could not describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled, it wasn’t the same smile as she does it. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.
So I moved out the next day as planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but I still think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. There were times when I wanted to write her but I was just too proud to do so. She was my inspiration and I studied for her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I’m worthy of having her.
It was a year now after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in a desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to go to their house to see her and hug her. Then I would tell then that I missed her and that I loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her.
As I reached for their house, I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but noticed that she didn’t smiled back. I was confused for she was used a cheerful young lady just like my dear Sam. I then asked, “ Hi jen! I guess you’re surprised why I’m here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kinda miss her you know. Umm.. By the way have you seen her?” all I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly, “ Come follow me.”
I was confused with the way she was acting but still I followed her. As we are walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but just answered my question briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction to the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree that Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It was one of the happiest days of my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. Then Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, “ There’s Sam.”
I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I have ever loved. I could not believed at what I saw and I desperately tried convincing myself that this is just a nightmare and I would soon wake up.
I stared at Jenny in disbelief with eyes searching for explanations and she slowly started saying, “ It’s been a week now since she died. She died in leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regard this place as a place of love. She said that this is where she had spent her happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked to give you this.” She handed me a small parcel.
I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our Prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading….
Dear Chris,
I know that by the time you read this letter, I am gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you, I also would like to know that I had felt something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that’s why the happiest day of my life was when you were by my side. You just don’t know how I dream of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can’t stop crying because I’m afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can’t bear to see you with another girl. I just want you myself. I may sound selfish but that’s how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to be close to you and to feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I never saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to fool myself that you are in love with me to. So many nights I’ve cried when I think myself unloved by you. Well, you might think that what I’m saying was lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.
I know you might thinking of Mark but then I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came to you crying, I just did that to know how you would react and with that I’ll know if you love me too. But I failed for you didn’t give me any clue. When our Prom night came, you just don’t know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage saying that I was the loveliest girl in the world. While we were dancing, I wanted desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you never did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explain to him that it’s you whom I really love. What happened the next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave the chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and you never know how much pain I experienced at that time. I felt the world crushing on me. On our graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but decided that I just couldn’t do it. I could not bear to that all you feel for me is just a brotherly kind of love for I want you to love me as a woman and not a girl or a playmate. So I just turned away and left.
Now that saying I love you might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will always be yours alone.
P.S.
Think of me sometimes...and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life…
******
I felt my tears falling as I slowly folded the letter. I wanted to shout out for her to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying and softly whispered, “ Oh God, send my love to heaven.”
“What can I say about a girl I loved I guess since I was ten… that I love the way she laughs at when I commit mistakes, the way she fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some sad silly late night shows. Somehow I wished I could have told her that I love her but now there’s no hope in doing so. For now, it’s rather too late—too late for me to do so”
She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knows all my secrets except one, which I keep to my self. The secret, which I could not bring my self to tell her. I love her not only because she is pretty and smart but also by the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.
I could still remember the first time we met, I was five years old then. It was windy afternoon, having no one to play with except for my best friend Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer at a neighboring state because his father got promoted. And as I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving track coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I’ve ever seen. She was four years old at that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached, almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes, which could make a man, lose his heart into them. I continue to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and wave her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, “would you like to come up?” she answered “may I?” so I helped her come up and when we reached the top, she then turned to me and said “by the way my name is Sam. What’s yours?” I answered, “ my name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris.” She smiled and said, “ Well, I like your name. Hey your tree house’s neat!” then I replied, “ thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. He and I used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kinda miss him you know”. She smiled and said, “ I’m here now we could do things you do with Troy and I could be your new best friend and you’ll be my best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?” I smiled and say, “well that sounds good enough.” Then she held her hand and said, “ It’s a deal then!” So that’s how it started.
So we became best friend and it was kinda strange at first. For she was a girl and there are times which I was little bet hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs when it rains, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bondage her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay the damage, which meant having to lose a week’s allowance. I remember the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trap in a branch. I even fought with the tough guys when they teased Sam and made her cry and ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remembered Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damage eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and I gave everything her little heart desires.
The lake was our favorite place to hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would packed our food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other’s dreams. She dreams of being a ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.
As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow I thought it was just a simple crush case. But then when I started thinking of her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting her all the time I thought it was something different, something which made me feel strange, but then it was an exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.
Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine of what would happen if ever I’d try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I’m taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feelings hidden.
We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches whenever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I catch them talking to her, how much I love her as much of losing her.
Then one day I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader, was close to the basketball team, which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I’m feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.
Those days that followed were the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him or her side. Every time that we meet in the hallways and I see him around her, there’s a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see that the girl I long to posses was now owned by somebody else. That special smile which I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him and as she passes by me she doesn’t know that I whisper the words, “ God how I love you.”
Then one fateful day they broke up. She came to me that evening crying to my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended to their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring inside me. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was also sad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.
So we found ourselves doing what we did in the old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart.
So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I could not bring myself to tell her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear losing her again by telling her I love her, so I just kept my feelings even it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.
It was week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, “ I was wondering, Chris if you would like to be my partner? It got me out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen, it took a while to answer her, “ I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?” so then she turned away and quietly said, “Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend’. Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, “ Don’t you want to die just like them to be my partner, Chris?” I was too stunned to speak for it came close to me to blurt my feelings for her. We were silent for a while until I finally whispered, “ I would be happy to be your partner, Sam.” Then she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, “last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!” I run but slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.
Our Prom night came I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam’s mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, “ How do I look?” I looked up and saw her looking lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing about her face. I stood up, opened my mouth but found out that I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand and shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, “To the loveliest girl in the whole world.” She then asked, “ Is that true?” I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then turned to open the door for her.
When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and the T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out my hand, bowed and said, “ Would you give the honor of having your first dance.” She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.
It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I’ve loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her at that moment. I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most is that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, still I haven’t done it.
We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I reached our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie where she was but she told me she doesn’t know. So I went and searched for her.
As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon’s silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium.
Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than hear her those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heartbreak. I didn’t return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches, I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then it was what I thought was the best way for me to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.
The day of our graduation came I was planning to study medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me, there was something in her eyes that I could not describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled, it wasn’t the same smile as she does it. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.
So I moved out the next day as planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but I still think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. There were times when I wanted to write her but I was just too proud to do so. She was my inspiration and I studied for her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I’m worthy of having her.
It was a year now after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in a desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to go to their house to see her and hug her. Then I would tell then that I missed her and that I loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her.
As I reached for their house, I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but noticed that she didn’t smiled back. I was confused for she was used a cheerful young lady just like my dear Sam. I then asked, “ Hi jen! I guess you’re surprised why I’m here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kinda miss her you know. Umm.. By the way have you seen her?” all I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly, “ Come follow me.”
I was confused with the way she was acting but still I followed her. As we are walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but just answered my question briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction to the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree that Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It was one of the happiest days of my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. Then Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, “ There’s Sam.”
I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I have ever loved. I could not believed at what I saw and I desperately tried convincing myself that this is just a nightmare and I would soon wake up.
I stared at Jenny in disbelief with eyes searching for explanations and she slowly started saying, “ It’s been a week now since she died. She died in leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regard this place as a place of love. She said that this is where she had spent her happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked to give you this.” She handed me a small parcel.
I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our Prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading….
Dear Chris,
I know that by the time you read this letter, I am gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you, I also would like to know that I had felt something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I love you Chris, not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day that’s why the happiest day of my life was when you were by my side. You just don’t know how I dream of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can’t stop crying because I’m afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just can’t bear to see you with another girl. I just want you myself. I may sound selfish but that’s how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true for to be close to you and to feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I never saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to fool myself that you are in love with me to. So many nights I’ve cried when I think myself unloved by you. Well, you might think that what I’m saying was lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.
I know you might thinking of Mark but then I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came to you crying, I just did that to know how you would react and with that I’ll know if you love me too. But I failed for you didn’t give me any clue. When our Prom night came, you just don’t know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage saying that I was the loveliest girl in the world. While we were dancing, I wanted desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you never did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explain to him that it’s you whom I really love. What happened the next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave the chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and you never know how much pain I experienced at that time. I felt the world crushing on me. On our graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you but decided that I just couldn’t do it. I could not bear to that all you feel for me is just a brotherly kind of love for I want you to love me as a woman and not a girl or a playmate. So I just turned away and left.
Now that saying I love you might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will always be yours alone.
P.S.
Think of me sometimes...and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life…
******
I felt my tears falling as I slowly folded the letter. I wanted to shout out for her to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying and softly whispered, “ Oh God, send my love to heaven.”