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kizzmark20
4th Aug 2007, 02:45
I flicked out my light and lit another cigarette, shit im ready to puke, my stomach growls incessantly and my hands are shaking violently. Where are my fucking friends when I need them? GONE. Gallivanting around the city while I am here wallowing in the pits of my sorrows.


I downed another bottle of beer and heard the phone ring. I let it ring nine times and hoped it would stop but it didn’t. So I woke myself up just enough to crawl my way to the phone. I barked out unfriendly hello and heard my father on the other line “mark?” he said, “Is that you?” I didn’t say anything and I guess he figured out it was me ‘coz we don’t normally talk like normal people. “Tell your ma that I won’t be coming home tonight” then he hung up the phone. I didn’t mind at all,


Really, you get kinda used to it as time goes by, specially if you have a father who doesn’t even know the meaning of the world family but it was pretty stupid of me ‘coz, I learned a year later, he wont be coming again. Ever. There’s no one to turn to alone in the dark. . .


It was another ordinary day at school, everything was fine, I was happy for a change, my friends are still there, and they didn’t leave me at all . . . perhaps it as just my imagination? But they were there and we had such good times. I can forget about the gloomy life a head. . .


About my father who deserted us and my alcoholic mother not a person knows about the cold, empty void I call my life. Except for the several slashes on my wrists serving as a grim reminder o my reality which I cannot escape. I always ha trouble hiding that. One day, my friend asked me about it while I was reading a book.


“Ei mark what the hell is that?” she asked


“Where?” I said without looking up, I knew what she was pointing out but was I was not yet ready to face her questions; I can’t even face the truth!


“What are you doing to your self?! Do you have problems?” she demanded, I didn’t know how to react to what she said . . . Problems? I had several and I don’t want to face them again! I just looked at her sadly and I could tell she was surprised ‘coz shed never seen me so serious before.


“It’s ok” I said


“Im fine”. She looked at me suspiciously and I got up quickly before she attacked me with a barrage of questions that I couldn’t answer, Just in time I saw lean and the rest of the gang walking towards me so I went to them and heard them talking about a drinking spree later on the day, they asked me if I could do and I thought what the hell, sure there’s nothing to do anyway but a boring bunch of assignments so I said yes but instead of having it later in the day we cut classes and went to the nearest bar when we tried to drown ourselves in the merciful stupor of beer. As I swallow the numbing drink I thought about my mother who was perhaps, no, surely drinking the same poison as I am drinking now... in my heart I know that I don’t want to be like her, to be an eternal slave to alcohol and cravings of the flesh but if I don’t, what is there left for me to have? I wander why am running my life? What is really wrong with me? I have everything a boy my age could ask for more except maybe my family. But then again one could live without one quite suitably isn’t it? Maybe my life is just too worthless to live in; maybe I just can’t take it anymore, maybe im not that strong to face the consequences God has given me...


There are so many maybes, there will I find the answer? It still escapes me after all this time, weird world, no wonder God’s wrath is upon us.


“I reached out my hand the arms of death”


Suddenly I felt the harsh blow of reality hit me like a lightning bolt... I realized the diminutiveness of m problems compared to the budget of National Defense System and I felt very unimportant and unseen than I already am. Who am I t the people around me? Do they really see me or am I just living a dream? I looked at the dirt around me; cigarette butts, beer bottles. Ashes and scraps. I felt like I was looking in the world. A big hip of dirt. Everything is dying, the trees, the seas, the land... specially the people and generally the earth, what is it like I wonder? To die and be reborn? To teeter on the brink of eternal damnation and to feel the icy hands of hades sweeping over me?


My eyes glint, an idea struck me, an idea so thrilling I just have to try it, everybody was sleeping on the floor now, and most of them are so stoned that they wouldn’t even care if President Gloria danced in front of them. I got up and went to the study, I opened the door and hoped there isn’t anybody there, it was dark but a shimmer of light coming from the den as I opened the door lent it a gentle illumination that seemed almost ethereal to me. I walked confidently to the desk standing in the center of the room and opened the topmost drawer there it is glinting it silver light , I reached for it and felt the iciness of the metal seeping through my bones. All of sudden I felt so sure about the rightness of what im about to do. It became clear to me that my life does not matter at all… that even if I die, the world will keep on turning; my friends will go on with their lives and some day. My memory will also fade from their hearts and it would be like as if I had never existed at all, so what is there to live for? I looked again at the tool. Of death clutches in my hand and thought again of the people I will leave behind. Do I really have someone to leave behind? My father? My mother?! I felt I reserve my father and almost choked at the tears that was threatening to burst out of my throat, but I thought about my father and about the group of people who call themselves my FAMILY…. And bout the utter loneliness of my life and I can’t bear it anymore! I felt tears moisten my eyes for a moment and I let my mind immerse itself in the sea of grief I had created for my self but I realized that the gun was still in my hand and t that moment I felt something inside me die and no longer felt afraid or what the future could be, because I realized that there will be no future for me now. I held it tightly, my hands gripping the cold steel as if for dear life and checked it, good, it is loaded. I stared at it and remembered my childhood, the times that I was undeniably happy, when the days were more carefree and I didn’t understand the meaning of the frequent yells coming from papa’s room, but all that is behind me now, it would never happen again. For the future doesn’t hold anything for me now it never has. I felt the blood surging through my veins in a few moments I shall be a part of the earth, at one at the big heap of dirt we call the world Ashes to Ashes dust to dust. I felt the cold metal tough my temple this is it, the final moment. There’s no going back now, I closed my eyes and in my mind uttered a final curse at the world that has never been friend. Fuck you! Goodbye Motherfuckers! And pressed the trigger…


I used to remember a poem by Longfellow I once read, it struck me with it meaning and eloquence…


The day is cold, and dark and dreary It rains, and the winds is never weary; The vine still clings to the mouldering wall, But at every gust the dead leaves fall, And the day is dark and dreary.


It was rainy day, a small group of people were huddled under a makeshift tent. The dominant color black marked the solemnity of the occasion as cries a mourning were heard over the din created by the rain. The pitch rose to a deafening crescendo when the solidity coffin was given the final rites to the dead. A small figure in black can be seen flailing it arms in the direction of the coffin while clearly written on her tear drenched face was the agony of losing a son she never really took time to know. She went to the coffin and laid her hand one last time on the face she barely knew and whispered a trembling goodbye to the eternally damned boy lying inside…. :weep:

g_olano
24th Jun 2008, 08:53
naman.....i feel miserable reading this story..it felt that you are the one on the story..galing naman..!!!! nice ang pagkakagawa..eloborated!!! :D