[bluedragon2790]

Originally Posted by t700_825

wahahaha..

[t700_825]

Joke # 961

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

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Joke # 962

Paul and Peter come across a ferocious bear while hiking in the forest. Paul quickly
takes off his boots and starts to run away. Peter followed behind him.

Peter - (catching his breath) You think you can out-run the bear by taking-off
your boots?
Paul - (looking back at Peter) No, but I can out-run you!

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Joke # 963

Rico- Oy, pwede raw magsama ng asawa sa company picnic natin.
Jhun- Wala ka namang asawa ah?
Rico- E, di isasama ko yung asawa ng kumpare ko.

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Joke # 964

Mr- (nagbabasa ng diaryo) Ayon dito sa survey, ang lalaking may
asawa ay mas mahaba ang buhay keysa lalaking walang asawa.

Mrs- Kaya pasalamat ka at napangasawa mo ako.

Mr- Kaya dapat humanap ako ng isa pang asawa para mas humaba ang buhay ko!

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Joke # 965



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Joke # 966

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it
used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink
doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If
she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she
hears you."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet
behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the
question.

Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner
tonight?"

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID
CHICKEN, you deaf old goat!

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Joke # 967

QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


1.KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

2.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

3.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

4.SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion. We were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

5.HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

6.DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

7.MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

8.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

9.RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

10. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

11. SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

12. CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected and evolved over time in such a way that they are now genetically endowed with the capabilities required to cross roads.

13. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. (Duh?!?)

14. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

15. ERAP: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!

16. MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO : " Aha! I know it! That chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request for a restraining order, your honor, so that the chicken would not be able to cross the road again!"

17. RAMON REVILLA: "I concur, your honor. You see, may timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1000 na bills ng 1000 pesos to make 1 million pesos. See 96 grams? 96 grams talaga! Malapit yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nagcross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo eh. I guess, takot syang pakilo. Baka kulang sya ng 96 grams. In short, kulang sya ng isang kilo."

18. EMMA LIM: Para po uminom ng iced tea, your honor!

19. CHAVIT SINGSON: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, your honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nagcross yun ng road. Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.

20. CLARISSA OCAMPO: It crossed the road to go to the office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.

21. ESTELITO MENDOZA: Whether I will quit as a defense lawyer of the president or not, shall depend upon the decision of the president himself, not the crossing of the road by the chicken.

22. RAUL ROCO: It is a noble profession to be a chicken and to cross that road!

23. CHIEF JUSTICE HILARIO DAVIDE: Unless there is an objection, the chicken can cross that road.

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Joke # 968

Customer: Miss, magkano ang isang tasang kape.

Waitress: Sir, 50 pesos na po ang kape namin.

Customer: Ha? Bakit naman ang mahal na?

Waitress: Kasi po mahal na ang gasolina.

Customer: Eh, di huwag mo na lang lagyan ng gasolina ang kape ko.

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Joke # 969



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Joke # 970

Anak: 'Nay! 'Nay! Si kuya mamamatay na yata.

Nanay: Bakit anak, ano'ng nangyayari sa kuya mo?!

Anak: Nandoon sa kuwarto...Nangingisay, tumitirik ang mata, at bumubula ang titi!




PAHIT NAMAN NG KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

[budoth]

tagal na ako dito puro luma mga joke mo ts etong bagay sayo ko na lahat post mo at copyrighted ko na bossing ts. ma ebenta na eto sa kulungan para naman may katuwaan mga preso

PS. palitan mo na si lolo dolphy bossing TS nice thread

[atoyax99]

wow nakakatuwa nawala talaga pagud ko nito. . .thanks po dito. . . . Hahahaha

[t700_825]

Originally Posted by budoth

tagal na ako dito puro luma mga joke mo ts etong bagay sayo ko na lahat post mo at copyrighted ko na bossing ts. ma ebenta na eto sa kulungan para naman may katuwaan mga preso

PS. palitan mo na si lolo dolphy bossing TS nice thread

Haha,.may ganun,.hehe,.salamat,.thanks din sa pagbisita sa thread

Originally Posted by atoyax99

wow nakakatuwa nawala talaga pagud ko nito. . .thanks po dito. . . . Hahahaha

Hehe,.thanks din sa pagbisita sa thread

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Joke # 971


Math problem

Jhan - Brad, busy ka ba? Kailangan ko ang tulong mo.
Brad - Di naman. Ano bang kailangan mo?
Jhan - Hindi ko kase masolve ang assignment natin sa math.
Brad - Ha, ikaw ang pinakamatalino sa klase, di masolve ang math
Jhan - E, kase....
Brad - Ako, ang pinakabobo sa klase, kailangan mo ang tulong ko?
Jhan - Oo...
Brad - O, sige, ano bang problema, tingnan ko....
Jhan - E, kase nabali ang lapis ko, pakitasahan mo nga.

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Joke # 972

Tindera- Suki, bili na kayo ng pakwan. Mapula at matamis.
(Nabitiwan ng tindera ang isang pakwan, bumagsak sa semento at nabiyak.)

Mamimili- Sabi mo mapula. Maputla naman pala ang pakwan na tinda mo.

Tindera- Aba, kayo man ang bumagsak sa semento, mamumutla rin kayo!

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Joke # 973

Juan- Nang girlfriend ko pa lang ang misis ko ang tawag ko sa kanya ay Darna dahil seksi sya. Ngayon ang tawag ko sa kanya ay Dorna.

John- Bakit Dorna?

Juan- Kasing lapad na sya ng DOOR NAmin.

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Joke # 974

NEWS


Plane crash, walang nakaligtas, ayon sa piloto. Napaulat na walang
nakaligtas sa mga sakay ng bumagsak na Cessna plane ayon sa piloto ng Medivac
helicopter na agad sumugod sa pinangyarihan ng trahedya.


Bangko hinoldap ng teller. Isang savings bank sa Pampanga ang hinoldap ng
isang babae. Madaling nakilala at nadakip ang holdaper dahil sa suot na bandana at
dalang bolang crystal. Nalaman na ang suspect ay isang fortune-teller.


Kakulangan ng tubig isinisi sa baha. Maraming tao sa Manila ang nagkasakit
ng diarrea dahil sa pag-inum ng maruming tubig. Nagkarun ng kakulangan ng malinis
na tubig dahil sa mga pagbaha na naging dahilan para macontaminate ang water
supply.


Lalaki bumunggo sa bus, naospital. Naospital si Rex matapos bungguin ang
bus na sasakyan sana. Hinahabol ni Rex ang bus nang biglang huminto ang sasakyan
dahil may tumawid sa kalye. Hindi napansin ni Rex ang paghinto ng bus dahil
nakalingon siya sa isang babae. Sumalpok si Rex sa bus.




PAHIT NAMAN NG KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

[Hacker_mobile]

nice galing lahat ng mga jokes mo

[t700_825]

Originally Posted by Hacker_mobile

nice galing lahat ng mga jokes mo

Thanks,.hehe,.share din kayo,.hakhak,.

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Joke # 975

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

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Joke # 976

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.

He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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Joke # 977

AnG hIndi LUmiNgOn sa PinaNgGaLIngan,....















MaY sTiff Neck

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Joke # 978

birds of the same feather









are the same birds...









pwede ring...look alike

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Joke # 979

Nagpatingin si Pedro sa kanyang doktor dahil sa nararamdaman niyang kakaiba sa katawan. Pagkatapos suriin, kinausap siya ng doktor.

"Huwag kang mag-alala hindi gaanong serious. Sipon lang sa likod," sabi ng doktor.

Nahiya pa si Pedro nang magwika.

"Dok, puwede ba, pakipunas na lang po?"

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Joke # 980

Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Nora:


NORA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak
natin?

MON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.

NORA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?

MON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.

NORA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.

MON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago
na ako


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Joke # 981

In a restaurant, a guy called the waiter to take his order.

Guy - "Waiter, I want chickens, the younger the better. Young chickens are tender and oh - delicious."

Waiter - " Very good sir, but if you want them young, hadn't you order eggs, sir? "


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Joke # 982

Making Civil Engineering Enjoyable to learn for men



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Joke # 983

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


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Joke # 984

HUSBAND: (Returning late from work):
Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in.

WIFE: Have you brought the grocery?
HUSBAND: Bad command or filename.

WIFE: But I told you about it in morning.
HUSBAND: Erroneous Syntax, Abort, Retry, Cancel.

WIFE: What about my new TV?
HUSBAND: Variable not found..

WIFE: At least, give me your Credit Card,
I want to do some shopping.
HUSBAND: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

WIFE: Do you love me or do you only love computers
or are you just being funny?
HUSBAND: Too many parameters...

WIFE: It was a great mistake that I married an
idiot like you.
HUSBAND: Data type mismatch.

WIFE: You are a useless nut.
HUSBAND: By Default

WIFE: What about your Salary?
HUSBAND: File in use... Try after some time.

WIFE: Who was in the car this morning?
HUSBAND: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL
to Reboot.

WIFE: Would You Like To Have Some Snacks
HUSBAND: Hard Disk Full.

WIFE: What is my value in the family ?
HUSBAND: Unknown Virus.

WIFE: What Is The Relation Between You & Your
Receptionist.
HUSBAND: The Only User With Write Permission.

WIFE: I Will Go To My Dads House.
HUSBAND: Program Performed Illegal Operation, It Will Close.

WIFE: I Will Leave You For Ever.
HUSBAND: Close All Programs & Log Out For Another User.

WIFE: It Is Worthless Talking To You
HUSBAND: Shut Down The Computer.

WIFE: I Am Going
HUSBAND: Its Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.

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Joke # 985

Osama bin Laden goes to a soothsayer in Afghanistan, and wants to know about his future, his fortunes of war, time of death etc.

"Osama, my son," says the soothsayer, "You will die on a Jewish Holiday."

"By Allah!" says Osama, "You can foretell the actual day? Quick, tell me: WHICH Jewish holiday?"

Says the soothsayer: "Oh, that's an easy one, Osama. ANY day you die will be a Jewish holiday."





PAHIT NAMAN NG KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

[t700_825]

Joke # 986

A gay was joining the army
but came late for the examination.
The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspection.

He looked and shouted,
"Jusko! Maloloka ako!
Ano ito? Eat all you can?"

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Joke # 987

anG baTanG maTuLunGin...








aY LaginG paGod...

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Joke # 988

Dictionary (Again)

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end a fool on the other.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atomic Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage.

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

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Joke # 989

have u experienced doin things dat no matter wat u do u just cant?





i have.





i tried 2 make ubos the laman of the drinking fountain. i just cant.

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Joke # 990

Soft Ware Programming!

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
}
struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
}
struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
}
struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
}
struct husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money_making;
}
struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
}
struct old_lady
{
double chin ;
short memory;
long sighs ;
void attention_from_men;
char chatterbox;
}

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Joke # 991

Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!

BF: May asawa na po ako!

Ama: Pano 'to?

BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl

Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?

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Joke # 992

PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.

ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?

PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.

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Joke # 993



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Joke # 994

Mag-asawa having sex...

HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!

WIFE: Ahhh...Shit! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee... Oooh... Patay na
dagaaaa!

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Joke # 995


Mayroong isang ilokanong bato na tuwing Friday ay pumunta sa simbahan upang magdasal at humingi ng tulong sa mng santo.

Unang Friday ng kaniyang pagdarasal ang panalangin niya ay, sana po ay patamain ninyo ako sa lotto upang marami akong matutulungang mng tao..

Ikalawang Friday ng kanyang pagdarasal; sana po ay patamain nyo ako sa lotto upang marami akong mng taong matulungan...

Ikatlong Friday ng kanyang pagdarasal ay talagang lumuhod na sya at umiyak pang humihingi ng tulong sa mng santo; sana ay patamain nyo ako sa lotto upang makatulong ako sa maraming tao at paliligayahin ko ang mng mahal ko sa buhay...

Sa pagkakataong ito ay may biglang sumagot sa kanyang harapan: (lahat ng mng santo: PARANG AWA MO NAMAN TUMAYA KA MUNA SA LOTTO!!!!)





PAHIT NAMAN NG KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

[t700_825]

Joke # 996

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Ooh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Joke # 997

Female Poem

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

Male Poem

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****

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Joke # 998

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband.

She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

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Joke # 999

Before Computers...

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu!

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Joke # 1000

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

FIRST MILLENIUM NA NG MGA JOKES,.HEHE,.THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT!!

PAHIT NAMAN NG KAHIT SAGLIT LANG,.HEHE,.SALAMAT

[mr._vin]

wow t.s c0ngrats napa ab0t m0. .na ng 10o0 mga jokes mo . .keep it up. .