[kerstinne25]

Onions and Christmas Trees

Subject:
Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's
three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, women's breasts are like
melons,
round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still
nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter
said, "Mom, how many kinds of "Willies" are there?" The mother,
surprised,
smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his
twenties, his Willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration.

[kerstinne25]

New job

A businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional
manager. He devises a simple test to select the most suitable candidate
for the job. He asks each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first applicant is a journalist. His answer is "twenty-two."
The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows
the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins v.
Simpson, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant is an accountant. The businessman asks him,
"How much is two and two?" The accountant gets up from his chair goes
over to the door and closes it. After sitting down he leans across the
desk and asks, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.

[kerstinne25]

Silly job ads

Wanted Dog Walkers,
Must be able to take the lead.

[kerstinne25]

Salesman scam, something for nothing?

A travelling salesman is about to check in at a hotel when he notices a
very charming lady giving him the eye. In a very causal manner he walks
over and speaks to her as though he has known her all his life. After a
few moments both walk back to the check-in-desk and register as Mr. and
Mrs. Smith.
After a three-day stay the salesman walks up to the desk and tells the
clerk that he is checking out. The clerk gives him his bill for £3,000.
"There must be a mistake here!" The salesman protests.
"I’ve been here only three days."
"That’s right" The clerk replies, "But your wife has been here a month."

[kerstinne25]

Lawyers

A lawyer walks into a courtroom, places his satchel on the floor, and says
"Your Honour, I rest my case."
Unfortunately, he was thrown in jail for showing the judge his briefs.

[kerstinne25]

Shakespeare


A Shakespearian actor is on stage when an insect lands on him and stings
him.
The insect flies off and the actor carries on.
A moment later, another insect lands on him and stings him.
When he gets off stage he wants to know what’s stung him, so he asks
the crew,
"Two Bees or not to Bees, That is the question"

[kerstinne25]

More Q & A

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do better."

Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: What do you call a planetarium in the basement?
A: A stellar cellar

Q: What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
A: A bored Board.

Q: What do you call an escaped gander?
A: A Loose Goose

Q: What do you call a shady place to swim?
A: A cool pool

Q: What do you call a female duck disguised as a male?
A: A fake drake

[kerstinne25]

My Confession

A young man enters the confessional box and says,
"Farther, I’ve had sex with two eighteen year old nymphomaniac twins
every night of this week"
“Disgusting! What kind of Catholic are you?" Reprimands priest.
"I'm not a Catholic,” replies the young man.
"Then why are you telling me this?" say the priest.
"Hey I’m telling everyone!”

[tartimorion]

Ibalik sa grade 1 ang teacher!!!

[boyTi899]

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth