Mental Health Awareness
(Originally posted on my Facebook Timeline on MONDAY, JANUARY 29, 2018)
I my self don’t know what depression really is nor do I know what its causes are.
I have read books about it and looked on different articles that tackles the issue. (I am diagnosed, and I want to understand it better) I downloaded a copy of DSM-V and a guidebook for it (or, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to have insight upon the matter.
Professionals have different opinions about the causes of depression. They say it could be biological, meaning the imbalance of brain chemicals. Or, it could be environmental, where the society we have now contributes as a factor for its development in an individual. Some say past experiences triggers emotional instability, while others even blame social media with all the false idea of self-image and consumerism that it causes. I say, It could be a combination of all.
To clear things up, people with depressive disorder are different from others with psychosis or other extreme conditions that would attack everyone around, or shout unintelligible words out of nowhere or talks alone. Hey, we’re not like that. We can do things other ‘normal’ people do, though we may be incapacitated when our condition triggers.
I don’t have to discus anything of it all nor do I expect anyone to understand it. I read books and I know I am not an expert. DSM-V is free (I downloaded a copy, so I guess it is free) so anyone can see that reference to better understand the disorder. I may not be clear about everything in here, and I may not include some of my experience, but this is how depression affects me.
IT IS MY EVERYDAY COMPANION.
I just can’t shake it off. Every morning and every time I wake up up to the moment I wanted to just close your eyes to sleep (though it is hard to find sleep), it’s there.
THERE IS EXTREME SADNESS.
I won’t even know where it is coming from. There are times that I would space out and not notice it.
I LOST THE ABILITY TO ENJOY MANY THINGS THAT I LIKE TO DO BEFORE.
Be it sketching or reading. Watching movies or playing games. I simply lose interest. I read or play game just to have something to do. I don’t remember ‘specific’ things of what I read like I used to, though I understand ‘general’ ideas. I find it difficult to find pleasure in almost everything. At times, it is also difficult to focus on things.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, I SIMPLY CAN’T.
I don’t know if it is fear of something, or lack of will or motivation. It seems like I am locked up in a self-constructed prison.
I KNOW I NEED TO BE POSITIVE, BUT IT IS ALWAYS DARK FOR ME.
This is very hard to explain. It is like I always look for things that would brighten up the day, but the worries, the fear, the frustration of not being able to do much is always destroying every piece of bliss that I have. It is like what I have heard in a talk: It is as if the veil of happiness is lifted from your head, and now you see life as it is.
THE FEELING OF BEING JUDGED, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND BLAMED
Yeah, I did many unforgivably damn stupid things, nasty wicked things in the past which I terribly regretted and that they had (or may had) something to do with what I have now or what I am right now. But depression multiplied the feeling ten-fold. The stigma, the blame, the misconception, they all make it worse. It is sad that many are giving their opinion without having insight upon the issue. It maybe all made up, it could be real, it doesn’t matter. It all feels the same inside. And having to explain myself to others who want to validate what I feel is the most difficult thing to do. I also feel like everything I hear is about me. I just want to evade everyone and avoid any conversation. Every conversation is like a confrontation.
REJECTED ===> DEJECTED
I am so accustomed to being alone, but not every time, I want to speak with people, although I am not sure if they will accept me as I am. (I am an introvert, though I know that my introversion is not helping me. I hate that people around me mistook my being introverted for mere shyness, though my being a leader before on different school/college groups and activities proved it otherwise. I am not shy I think, I just want to talk to person with the same interests like me, which is very rare, and I don’t feel like I need many friends, just the honest, loyal and understanding few, which is also very rare.) I find it difficult to trust anyone for the fear of being blamed, judged, or misunderstood. Being not able to talk to others because even I don’t know what’s up in my head or how I feel is very difficult to bear. “Normal” people around just don’t want to talk about the negativity I have, so I tend to be silent and alone. People expects us to be the one to reach out because we are the ones who have the problem. But hey! I will not expect someone who was swept by a current and drowns to produce his/her own lifesaver. Anyway maybe, it is all my fault after all.
I FEEL WITHDRAWN FROM EVERYBODY I KNOW.
I feel very far from anyone I know, especially on times I needed someone. And there’s just no one.
EVERY TASK IS AN EFFORT.
Most things that I do seems to require so much effort and energy that most of the time I feel that I just want to stay in my bed (though I know better than to do that). Everything feels heavy. Everyday is exhausting.
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, AND SLEEP IS WHAT I WANT TO DO THE WHOLE DAY
Many times I wake up in the middle of the night, repeatedly. No further explanations needed.
I ALWAYS ASK MYSELF WHY AM I STILL HERE.
I find no purpose, and it is hopeless. Simply want all of it to end.
Then again, I wrote this not with the purpose of getting any attention or so that people would pity me. It is just to share my ordeal with this crippling condition. This is something you would not wish for anyone to have.
#etceteros
#MDD
[
(Originally posted on my Facebook Timeline on MONDAY, JANUARY 29, 2018)
I my self don’t know what depression really is nor do I know what its causes are.
I have read books about it and looked on different articles that tackles the issue. (I am diagnosed, and I want to understand it better) I downloaded a copy of DSM-V and a guidebook for it (or, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to have insight upon the matter.
Professionals have different opinions about the causes of depression. They say it could be biological, meaning the imbalance of brain chemicals. Or, it could be environmental, where the society we have now contributes as a factor for its development in an individual. Some say past experiences triggers emotional instability, while others even blame social media with all the false idea of self-image and consumerism that it causes. I say, It could be a combination of all.
To clear things up, people with depressive disorder are different from others with psychosis or other extreme conditions that would attack everyone around, or shout unintelligible words out of nowhere or talks alone. Hey, we’re not like that. We can do things other ‘normal’ people do, though we may be incapacitated when our condition triggers.
I don’t have to discus anything of it all nor do I expect anyone to understand it. I read books and I know I am not an expert. DSM-V is free (I downloaded a copy, so I guess it is free) so anyone can see that reference to better understand the disorder. I may not be clear about everything in here, and I may not include some of my experience, but this is how depression affects me.
IT IS MY EVERYDAY COMPANION.
I just can’t shake it off. Every morning and every time I wake up up to the moment I wanted to just close your eyes to sleep (though it is hard to find sleep), it’s there.
THERE IS EXTREME SADNESS.
I won’t even know where it is coming from. There are times that I would space out and not notice it.
I LOST THE ABILITY TO ENJOY MANY THINGS THAT I LIKE TO DO BEFORE.
Be it sketching or reading. Watching movies or playing games. I simply lose interest. I read or play game just to have something to do. I don’t remember ‘specific’ things of what I read like I used to, though I understand ‘general’ ideas. I find it difficult to find pleasure in almost everything. At times, it is also difficult to focus on things.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, I SIMPLY CAN’T.
I don’t know if it is fear of something, or lack of will or motivation. It seems like I am locked up in a self-constructed prison.
I KNOW I NEED TO BE POSITIVE, BUT IT IS ALWAYS DARK FOR ME.
This is very hard to explain. It is like I always look for things that would brighten up the day, but the worries, the fear, the frustration of not being able to do much is always destroying every piece of bliss that I have. It is like what I have heard in a talk: It is as if the veil of happiness is lifted from your head, and now you see life as it is.
THE FEELING OF BEING JUDGED, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND BLAMED
Yeah, I did many unforgivably damn stupid things, nasty wicked things in the past which I terribly regretted and that they had (or may had) something to do with what I have now or what I am right now. But depression multiplied the feeling ten-fold. The stigma, the blame, the misconception, they all make it worse. It is sad that many are giving their opinion without having insight upon the issue. It maybe all made up, it could be real, it doesn’t matter. It all feels the same inside. And having to explain myself to others who want to validate what I feel is the most difficult thing to do. I also feel like everything I hear is about me. I just want to evade everyone and avoid any conversation. Every conversation is like a confrontation.
REJECTED ===> DEJECTED
I am so accustomed to being alone, but not every time, I want to speak with people, although I am not sure if they will accept me as I am. (I am an introvert, though I know that my introversion is not helping me. I hate that people around me mistook my being introverted for mere shyness, though my being a leader before on different school/college groups and activities proved it otherwise. I am not shy I think, I just want to talk to person with the same interests like me, which is very rare, and I don’t feel like I need many friends, just the honest, loyal and understanding few, which is also very rare.) I find it difficult to trust anyone for the fear of being blamed, judged, or misunderstood. Being not able to talk to others because even I don’t know what’s up in my head or how I feel is very difficult to bear. “Normal” people around just don’t want to talk about the negativity I have, so I tend to be silent and alone. People expects us to be the one to reach out because we are the ones who have the problem. But hey! I will not expect someone who was swept by a current and drowns to produce his/her own lifesaver. Anyway maybe, it is all my fault after all.
I FEEL WITHDRAWN FROM EVERYBODY I KNOW.
I feel very far from anyone I know, especially on times I needed someone. And there’s just no one.
EVERY TASK IS AN EFFORT.
Most things that I do seems to require so much effort and energy that most of the time I feel that I just want to stay in my bed (though I know better than to do that). Everything feels heavy. Everyday is exhausting.
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, AND SLEEP IS WHAT I WANT TO DO THE WHOLE DAY
Many times I wake up in the middle of the night, repeatedly. No further explanations needed.
I ALWAYS ASK MYSELF WHY AM I STILL HERE.
I find no purpose, and it is hopeless. Simply want all of it to end.
Then again, I wrote this not with the purpose of getting any attention or so that people would pity me. It is just to share my ordeal with this crippling condition. This is something you would not wish for anyone to have.
#etceteros
#MDD
[
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