The First
Walking into my old room was like being sucked into a time warp. My bed looked just like how it used to – single, with metal head and footboards, the black paint chipped and the rusting metal showed underneath. The old wooden dresser with a full length mirror and gold trimmings looked so ancient, but still so lovely. It was my grandmother’s; this dresser was older than me. I can’t believe I’m back here after four years, what’s even unbelievable is that my aunt never rented this room out after I left.
In the small room with the floorboards creaking beneath my feet I walked over to my old wooden dresser with stained mirrors. I loved this dresser, more than the rustic beauty of it, the drawer’s stuck. No one can open it; no one dared to, too afraid to damage it – except me. I reached underneath the chipping wood and stuck my hand in the panel under the main drawer, until I felt that slight gap and pushed it open.
It took all that I had not to cry at that moment. It’s still here. My old notebook was so familiar; the weight of it is much heavier to me than to any other person, maybe because more than just words, this notebook carried my emotions – years of it within its pages. I took a deep breath, sat on my old bed and started reading.
“June 6, 2000
It’s been a week since classes started and I’m starting to get a hang of it. I’m a senior. In College. Who would’ve thunk? But that’s not why I’m writing here now, after my spontaneous ramblings these past few years, I finally get to say something worth remembering. I met someone.
He’s the cutest guy in our class, he’s Chinese and my gay friend thinks he’s hot too. It’s always a good sign when your gay bestfriend thinks your crush is hot, that means he really is – in a heterosexual way, coz Max isn’t into the bi-sexual/homosexual guys, he likes them straight. Points for me. Yay!
His name’s Chris. Christopher Go.
He sat by me today.
He smiled.
I smiled back.
I think I’m going to like this year.”
“June 15, 2000
We had an out-of-class experience today. We went to the auditorium to listen to a very popular environmentalist, it was “Save the Earth” day in school, I couldn’t remember his name though, or what the hell he was talking about. Okay, it’s not entirely his fault; I may have been distracted a bit.
I was seated beside Max on the leftmost part of the auditorium, he says so we can immediately bail when needed. What he really meant was when he’s itchin’ for a smoke. I was trying to listen to the lecture when I was handed a note. It was written in a bond paper – folded 3 times, it looked ominous if you ask me – like a memo from the principal (ones I got in High School). I thought it was blank until I saw my name when I unfolded the top half, and when I completely opened it…
Lexi,
Hi!
- Chris
I’ve never received a note in class like this before. I didn’t know how to respond. But Max saw it and grabbed a blank sheet and gave me a pen with a knowing smirk on his face. Holy shit, this is Chris we’re talking about, CHRIS.
I scribbled down a response and was quite scared coz he’s got great handwriting, mine looks like shit. We had like 10 people between us, some girls giving me the stink eye but I didn’t care. I was too excited to care. Too excited to really think my response through and just wrote in the same format: “Hello”.
After a few minutes, I got another one. “You look bored”
“Aren’t you?”
“So bad. Wanna get out of here?” he said.
I looked like the biggest dork coz I said: “I don’t want to get in trouble”
“Yup. Maybe some other time then.”
That’s it, I lost my chance. I wanted to pull out another sheet and ask him to meet me outside or something to that effect, I was so nervous I started biting my fingernails – to which Max slapped my hand. Ow.
Then another bond paper was passed – and it wasn’t just a letter this time. Something was wrapped in it.
A cellphone.
The letter said: “Is it okay if we move this conversation to text messaging? I bet we’re not helping the environment talking like this. ”Oh thank you, Jesus.
“Lexi! C’mon, we have to go” My mom called from outside the house.
“Yeah, coming!”
It’s been years, but that letter still put a smile on my face. I came back to the house just for this, my notebook – my little treasure. I promised myself I’ll never leave it here, but time does funny things to people. I needed to move on and so 4 years went by and I didn’t feel the need to get my diary back, but now that I’m moving out – for good, I needed it. I needed a link to my past here.
I stood up and walked to the door, it was a heavy feeling, leaving it again, it was a big part of my life and now I’m leaving this room, this house, probably forever.
(still working on Chapter 2)
- - - Updated - - -
The Second
“Are you good, do you need me to unpack your clothes?”
“No mom, I got it.” I really want to do that myself coz she’s so anal about these things it would take us a week if she helped out.
“Okay, well just call me if you need me. I’ll be helping out Emily in cleaning out the house before the realtors come in tomorrow.”
My mom and Aunt Emily were selling the old family house, they’ve been thinking of doing that since Amma (aka Grandma) died 3 years ago. They said it’s time. I didn’t think like the idea of selling the house but it was their decision.
“Okay, I’ll call you. Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”
When the door clicked shut, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and turned around. This is it. My place. My very own apartment. It was a 2-bedroom apartment; it was a work-perk, I was very lucky to have found work and it such a good place too. I’m an Executive Assistant to the Marketing Director of a very popular Advertising Firm. My boss is an ass-hat but he’s a funny ass-hat, kind of like the annoying big brother you never want to have but stuck with. I’ve been working for A&S Advertising for about 2 years, and about a year ago I got promoted to EA when my boss was hired. We clicked, he said I had spunk and was not really afraid to voice my opinion which he very much needed.
After unpacking several boxes and almost filling out my new dresser, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’m almost 50% done with unpacking my clothes. Looking around, I saw the old notebook sticking out of my bag. I needed a break anyway so I pulled it out, sat Indian-style on my brand new rug and randomly read a page.
“June 30, 2000
It’s official. I love him…”
I immediately closed the diary and chucked it to the couch. What the hell was I thinking reading that thing? But I have to, to prove to myself that I’m over it. I’m over him. Deep breaths, Lexi, you can do this. He can’t touch you anymore. He can’t hurt you.
“June 30, 2000
It’s official. I love him.
We kissed today. My first real one.
I’ve kissed other guys before… well, one other guy but that was in high school and it just lasted one second. More like a smack on the lips, really.
He didn’t know he was my first kiss; I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t know what to expect. It happened in his car, he gives me a ride home almost every day now, he stays in the car though. I really don’t know how to introduce him to Aunt Em and Amma so that’s fine with me. I didn’t know why it felt different when he brought me home today, he was so quiet. It was like he was nervous, or was upset. I didn’t know what to say so I just took his hand. He looked over at me and smiled, he was driving a stick shift but he never let go, he kept rubbing small circles on the back of my hand. Seeing him drive like that was just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I was staring at his face and I didn’t realize he was already parking outside Amma’s house.
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned his head on the seat.
I squeezed his hand.
He looked over to me and smiled, probably because I was smiling at him too. I was too scared to say anything. He broke eye contact and the silence and looked over to Amma’s house.
“You have a lovely home”
“It’s my grandmother’s. She said Gramps built it with his own hands.”
The silence was deafening. It took a while and I was contemplating leaving the car to give him space so he can think, I felt like he needed some time alone.
But then he looked back at me and touched my cheek. “You’re beautiful. You make things so simple; I feel so at ease when I’m with you.”
It was like a dam of emotions burst inside my chest, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. Go big or go home.
“I love you.” I said.
I could see the surprise in his eyes, but he quickly recovered and leaned in, pulled me into him and kissed me.
I can’t explain how it felt when his lips touched mine, I felt like flying, I closed my eyes and kissed him back. With all the love I had in me, I wanted him to feel it. I wanted this kiss to last forever.
Just when I was about to get some more kisses out of him, he pulled back. He put his forehead on mine. “You should go inside; we wouldn’t want your Grandma to bust our asses.”
“Oh okay.”
He didn’t get to tell me he loved me, but I could feel it. He loved me.
I will love this man for the rest of my life.
I love you, Chris. Now and for always”
What I didn’t write at the time, probably because I was so in love with Chris was that he didn’t call me that night. He just texted me to tell me he made it home. He didn’t say he loved me back, and of course it would take me a while to know why.
It feels odd reading this, I feels like I’m reading about another person. The emotions are still there, I remember the hurt, it’s like travelling back in time and watching what was happening to this girl. And I know what will happen next, but I’m powerless to stop it.
It’s been a long day and right now I need to rest. Tomorrow’s another day and I’ve got a lot of time to torture myself in reading this diary so I closed it and stuck it under my mattress.
I changed into my PJ’s and brushed my teeth. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, you’d never guess the pain that resides there. It’s been five years since I fell in love with Chris, four years since I last saw him and now one hour since I thought about him. But there are some experiences worth remembering, pain worth feeling all over again to remind yourself what you need to steer clear of.
I will never forget Chris Go.
The first boy who broke my heart.
The boy that broke me.
(Still working on Chapter 3)
Walking into my old room was like being sucked into a time warp. My bed looked just like how it used to – single, with metal head and footboards, the black paint chipped and the rusting metal showed underneath. The old wooden dresser with a full length mirror and gold trimmings looked so ancient, but still so lovely. It was my grandmother’s; this dresser was older than me. I can’t believe I’m back here after four years, what’s even unbelievable is that my aunt never rented this room out after I left.
In the small room with the floorboards creaking beneath my feet I walked over to my old wooden dresser with stained mirrors. I loved this dresser, more than the rustic beauty of it, the drawer’s stuck. No one can open it; no one dared to, too afraid to damage it – except me. I reached underneath the chipping wood and stuck my hand in the panel under the main drawer, until I felt that slight gap and pushed it open.
It took all that I had not to cry at that moment. It’s still here. My old notebook was so familiar; the weight of it is much heavier to me than to any other person, maybe because more than just words, this notebook carried my emotions – years of it within its pages. I took a deep breath, sat on my old bed and started reading.
“June 6, 2000
It’s been a week since classes started and I’m starting to get a hang of it. I’m a senior. In College. Who would’ve thunk? But that’s not why I’m writing here now, after my spontaneous ramblings these past few years, I finally get to say something worth remembering. I met someone.
He’s the cutest guy in our class, he’s Chinese and my gay friend thinks he’s hot too. It’s always a good sign when your gay bestfriend thinks your crush is hot, that means he really is – in a heterosexual way, coz Max isn’t into the bi-sexual/homosexual guys, he likes them straight. Points for me. Yay!
His name’s Chris. Christopher Go.
He sat by me today.
He smiled.
I smiled back.
I think I’m going to like this year.”
“June 15, 2000
We had an out-of-class experience today. We went to the auditorium to listen to a very popular environmentalist, it was “Save the Earth” day in school, I couldn’t remember his name though, or what the hell he was talking about. Okay, it’s not entirely his fault; I may have been distracted a bit.
I was seated beside Max on the leftmost part of the auditorium, he says so we can immediately bail when needed. What he really meant was when he’s itchin’ for a smoke. I was trying to listen to the lecture when I was handed a note. It was written in a bond paper – folded 3 times, it looked ominous if you ask me – like a memo from the principal (ones I got in High School). I thought it was blank until I saw my name when I unfolded the top half, and when I completely opened it…
Lexi,
Hi!
- Chris
I’ve never received a note in class like this before. I didn’t know how to respond. But Max saw it and grabbed a blank sheet and gave me a pen with a knowing smirk on his face. Holy shit, this is Chris we’re talking about, CHRIS.
I scribbled down a response and was quite scared coz he’s got great handwriting, mine looks like shit. We had like 10 people between us, some girls giving me the stink eye but I didn’t care. I was too excited to care. Too excited to really think my response through and just wrote in the same format: “Hello”.
After a few minutes, I got another one. “You look bored”
“Aren’t you?”
“So bad. Wanna get out of here?” he said.
I looked like the biggest dork coz I said: “I don’t want to get in trouble”
“Yup. Maybe some other time then.”
That’s it, I lost my chance. I wanted to pull out another sheet and ask him to meet me outside or something to that effect, I was so nervous I started biting my fingernails – to which Max slapped my hand. Ow.
Then another bond paper was passed – and it wasn’t just a letter this time. Something was wrapped in it.
A cellphone.
The letter said: “Is it okay if we move this conversation to text messaging? I bet we’re not helping the environment talking like this. ”Oh thank you, Jesus.
“Lexi! C’mon, we have to go” My mom called from outside the house.
“Yeah, coming!”
It’s been years, but that letter still put a smile on my face. I came back to the house just for this, my notebook – my little treasure. I promised myself I’ll never leave it here, but time does funny things to people. I needed to move on and so 4 years went by and I didn’t feel the need to get my diary back, but now that I’m moving out – for good, I needed it. I needed a link to my past here.
I stood up and walked to the door, it was a heavy feeling, leaving it again, it was a big part of my life and now I’m leaving this room, this house, probably forever.
(still working on Chapter 2)
- - - Updated - - -
The Second
“Are you good, do you need me to unpack your clothes?”
“No mom, I got it.” I really want to do that myself coz she’s so anal about these things it would take us a week if she helped out.
“Okay, well just call me if you need me. I’ll be helping out Emily in cleaning out the house before the realtors come in tomorrow.”
My mom and Aunt Emily were selling the old family house, they’ve been thinking of doing that since Amma (aka Grandma) died 3 years ago. They said it’s time. I didn’t think like the idea of selling the house but it was their decision.
“Okay, I’ll call you. Love you.”
“Love you too, baby.”
When the door clicked shut, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and turned around. This is it. My place. My very own apartment. It was a 2-bedroom apartment; it was a work-perk, I was very lucky to have found work and it such a good place too. I’m an Executive Assistant to the Marketing Director of a very popular Advertising Firm. My boss is an ass-hat but he’s a funny ass-hat, kind of like the annoying big brother you never want to have but stuck with. I’ve been working for A&S Advertising for about 2 years, and about a year ago I got promoted to EA when my boss was hired. We clicked, he said I had spunk and was not really afraid to voice my opinion which he very much needed.
After unpacking several boxes and almost filling out my new dresser, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’m almost 50% done with unpacking my clothes. Looking around, I saw the old notebook sticking out of my bag. I needed a break anyway so I pulled it out, sat Indian-style on my brand new rug and randomly read a page.
“June 30, 2000
It’s official. I love him…”
I immediately closed the diary and chucked it to the couch. What the hell was I thinking reading that thing? But I have to, to prove to myself that I’m over it. I’m over him. Deep breaths, Lexi, you can do this. He can’t touch you anymore. He can’t hurt you.
“June 30, 2000
It’s official. I love him.
We kissed today. My first real one.
I’ve kissed other guys before… well, one other guy but that was in high school and it just lasted one second. More like a smack on the lips, really.
He didn’t know he was my first kiss; I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t know what to expect. It happened in his car, he gives me a ride home almost every day now, he stays in the car though. I really don’t know how to introduce him to Aunt Em and Amma so that’s fine with me. I didn’t know why it felt different when he brought me home today, he was so quiet. It was like he was nervous, or was upset. I didn’t know what to say so I just took his hand. He looked over at me and smiled, he was driving a stick shift but he never let go, he kept rubbing small circles on the back of my hand. Seeing him drive like that was just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I was staring at his face and I didn’t realize he was already parking outside Amma’s house.
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned his head on the seat.
I squeezed his hand.
He looked over to me and smiled, probably because I was smiling at him too. I was too scared to say anything. He broke eye contact and the silence and looked over to Amma’s house.
“You have a lovely home”
“It’s my grandmother’s. She said Gramps built it with his own hands.”
The silence was deafening. It took a while and I was contemplating leaving the car to give him space so he can think, I felt like he needed some time alone.
But then he looked back at me and touched my cheek. “You’re beautiful. You make things so simple; I feel so at ease when I’m with you.”
It was like a dam of emotions burst inside my chest, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. Go big or go home.
“I love you.” I said.
I could see the surprise in his eyes, but he quickly recovered and leaned in, pulled me into him and kissed me.
I can’t explain how it felt when his lips touched mine, I felt like flying, I closed my eyes and kissed him back. With all the love I had in me, I wanted him to feel it. I wanted this kiss to last forever.
Just when I was about to get some more kisses out of him, he pulled back. He put his forehead on mine. “You should go inside; we wouldn’t want your Grandma to bust our asses.”
“Oh okay.”
He didn’t get to tell me he loved me, but I could feel it. He loved me.
I will love this man for the rest of my life.
I love you, Chris. Now and for always”
What I didn’t write at the time, probably because I was so in love with Chris was that he didn’t call me that night. He just texted me to tell me he made it home. He didn’t say he loved me back, and of course it would take me a while to know why.
It feels odd reading this, I feels like I’m reading about another person. The emotions are still there, I remember the hurt, it’s like travelling back in time and watching what was happening to this girl. And I know what will happen next, but I’m powerless to stop it.
It’s been a long day and right now I need to rest. Tomorrow’s another day and I’ve got a lot of time to torture myself in reading this diary so I closed it and stuck it under my mattress.
I changed into my PJ’s and brushed my teeth. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, you’d never guess the pain that resides there. It’s been five years since I fell in love with Chris, four years since I last saw him and now one hour since I thought about him. But there are some experiences worth remembering, pain worth feeling all over again to remind yourself what you need to steer clear of.
I will never forget Chris Go.
The first boy who broke my heart.
The boy that broke me.
(Still working on Chapter 3)
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